Thursday, December 30, 2004

Innocence Lost

I finally caught the episode of 100 Greatest Metal moments, 20-1. There was a website mentioned, Metal Sludge ( ) a place where groupies have the last laugh by ranking the quality, and yes quantity, of various rock stars from the 80's and 90's. Mostly hair bands from the golden age of groupiedom was mentioned, the 1980's. I should have known better. I should have left well enough alone with my adolescent sexual fantasy, but this was like a car crash that begs to be rubbernecked at. Now in the early 90's I did a bit of backstage stuff. never fucked anyone, just smoked their dope. A few of these tidbits were no great surprise...some blew my mind. The dick chart was a revelation to say the least. Groupies give the lowdown, good bad and laughable. The fact that Tommy Lee sets the standard for length and girth is not a newsflash. The man can steer a boat with no hands. However, some who can either compare to him, or fail to measure up, surprised me. For example, and I quote;" Glenn Danzig / Danzig, The bottom line is his cock is just like him, short." ARGHHH I love him, and really didn't want to know that...too late! Another of my 80's faves Don Dokken, fared better:"Don has a good looking, nice sized dick and could go ALL night long. He will make sure you get off and is willing to do whatever it takes for it to happen. However, he will treat you as a prize the next morning and show you to the roadies like the catch of the day. Can be kind of crude that way!" A few current popular guys were mentioned, Like Fred Durst of Limp Biskit, supposedly a notorious ladies man in the press:"Fred is an average joe, or should I say an average Fred. Nothing too big but nothing too small. He loves to eat pussy and loves to get oral in return. He's a little on the kinky side and he really loves the freaky girls. Tries to use the press to get date and frequently comes off like a creepy stalker." A few of these reviews reconfirmed my liking of some rockers that my friends made fun of me for, Flea of Red Hot Chili Peppers:"Flea may seem the scruffy second choice to Anthony, but he's very attractive and intense in one hard compact package. He is highly intelligent, sensitive, a great writer and has a beautiful, extremely rock hard cock of well proportioned length and width. Can stay rock hard for a while. Incredibly intense building and fluidity." HA, my taste in rock stars has been reinforced by the pros! LMAO. Anyway to be fair, actual endowment isn't the only thing mentioned. These ladies also mention who are creeps and who are the really really hot ones that are nice and treat groupies like humans. If you are like me, in your early 30's and have an urge to flirt vicariously with your sexual fantasies from teenhood, this is the site for you.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Poetry alert!!!

-Maxine Kumin-

Afterwards, the compromise.
Bodies resume their boundaries.

These legs, for instance mine.
Your arms take you back in.

Spoons of our fingers, lips
admit their ownership.

The bedding yawns, a door
blows aimlessly ajar

and overhead, a plane
singsongs coming down.

Nothing has changed, except
there was a moment when

the wolf, the mongering wolf
who stands outside the self

lay lightly down, and slept."

Monday, December 27, 2004

Swept Away..

You are sitting in your home close to the shore. Your family makes its living by the sea, for generations. You could be cooking, taking care of children. You could be preparing to work in one of the resorts. It is early. There might be several generations living in this house with you, grandparents, parents, children. The sound begins like a hissing, you think it is just a car or the wind. It then begins to sound like a growl, then a rumble. Then a roar..As your world explodes around you. A wall of water hits your fragile home. You get tumbled into debris and are hitting things as you are flung inland. You're in darkness till your head clears water. You don't recognize where you are. Wood, steel, and the remains of many homes float around you. You are being pummeled by what is floating around you. A hand floats amongst the wreckage, you grab it to realize it is a family member. You try to hang on but the surging water tears it away. You grab onto a tree as the water recedes back to the shore. Pulling as hard as you can, you manage to pull yourself onto some branches, out of the danger. For the first time you see, truly see what has happened. Houses, places that have always been there your whole life-gone. Wreckage, piled on top of each other, scattered around you. Then you start to see what else lies in the debris: bodies. Hundreds it seems, so many tangled arms and limbs and torsos. Faces can sometimes be seen, most are battered and cut.
You recognize some, none are family that you can tell. You find it hard to breathe. There is pain all over. Ribs and limbs probably are broken. But you are alive, and in the following days you wish you were not.
The day after the bodies start to pile up. It is hot, and the smell begins. There is no electricity, food or fresh water. Corpses float on shore like seaweed, and will do so for weeks. There is always the fear of another great wave with every tide. You work to help carry the bodies, hoping to find your family. You might find one, the rest may never be found. The survivors start to get sick from the lack of clean water, and from the rot of bodies. The government is overwhelmed. It is a poor place you live. All you can think about is survival, and the essential questions. Why you? Why them? Now what?

Sunday, December 26, 2004

I survived another one...

I just got back from the backwoods from anonther xmas in Martin County. It will go down as another reminder whyI left in the first place. One uncle's current girlfriend was fighting with the ex, including a fight with pistol whipping. My grandfather still is a cranky old fart. More details to come.....

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

my fave Xmas song

Santa Baby
written by J. Javits and P. Springer

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me
I've been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue
I'll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be oh so good

If you'd check off my Christmas list Boo doo bee doo
Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that'sNot a lot
I've been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks
Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean a phone
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Not yet the end of the story...

An open letter to Clint...
We've had a short, but eventful friendship. You were there at the beginning of my Blog Journey, then only person I know who reads it occasionally. You inspired me to write, and write better. We only got to meet twice: once at Lynaughs, when I was fighting a migrane, and Ramsey's, when I was fighting off a cold. It never seemed to put you off that I was a witch, or poly, or just a plain freak. I enjoyed the fact you treated me as an intellectual equal even though I know I am a flake lol. The biggest thing I admire you for is being to deal with your depression and follow your hearts desire. And for you to pack up and go from frigid Lexington to insanely cold Chicago for that heart's desire proves you have a depth of courage I will probably never find, but am inspired to try. I wish you and Robin every happiness imaginable to humans, and don't forget your buddies you left behind here. Blessed be to you.

Religion and sex are strange bedfellows....

Spent time with Mr. Cool this weekend. This man is a devout Christian, I am an equally devout witch. We were talking possibilities as all couples do, an he stated he could not marry outside his faith. Ok, I thought, I can respect that, I really don't have an urge to marry. Nor would I force my faith on another as a requirement to have a relationship with me. Now, here's the kicker: he said since we could not marry we could just shack up and have babies....
The riddle is: does this or does this not go against everything Baptists believe? He would rather live in sin and have kids out of wedlock than do the common sense thing and just get married first? The of course it dawns on me that like many fellow Christians ( not all, but many), he bends the rules that he thinks others should follow. All Humanity does this, to assuage guilt instead of just taking the step of being true to ones' self despite what archaic, unrealistic religious laws dictate. So I sighed inwardly, smiled at him outwardly, and just said maybe.....

Sunday, December 12, 2004

A shocking announcement

This is an announcement for all those well meaning couples who want me to be part of a poly triad with them: I am not Bi. At one point I tried to talk myself into being at least curious, but that too has diminished. Women just don't turn me on. Now, if a woman wants to go down on me, fine, I will close my eyes and pretend its Russell Crowe. As for me doing the eating, this is an idea I just cant wrap my mind ( or tongue) around. I want to be part of triad, but with two men, not a couple. I just don't seem to relate well to other women. I don't understand the need to fight over men. I've recently seen a woman try to compete with me over a guy. She was catty, vindictive, petty, and just plain nasty. I walked away from both of them, woman and guy. I have enough drama in my life from the daily ins and outs, I don't need it over a guy. There are 5.2 BILLION humans on this planet, half are men. Now granted I wont be attracted to all of them, but there are enough around for there to be no need to fight. I just don't like to compete. If I live with two guys, hey there's a spare. Do I get jealous? Sure I do, but that has more to do with my own insecurities than worrying about the guy leaving. This happened with Dan this summer. I got tired of being put second for another woman, so I left him to her. It might be psychological: I will not compete with anyone over something that is not worth fighting over. If a guy wants me, he knows where I am. He wants another, fine go be with her.
Maybe that's why men like me. I don't give them a hard time over silly stuff. I don't smother. Rather, I like my space, and its a rare man who wants to smother back. I let them do their own thing. Like I said if they want to be with me, they know where I am. I'm not offended easily. I am moody, and some men are freaky about that, its why I live alone. So, I wont be part of a FFM triangle anytime soon. Just thought I'd let you know

Saturday, December 11, 2004

The freakiest movie I've seen all year...And I watch strange movies...

Here is an admission I have never made here but friends and people who have actually slept with me know this as truth: I am an insomniac. I don't fall asleep easily, and I wake up 15 times a night. So I know what it feels like to go without proper sleep. That being said, I hadn't meant to go to the Kentucky Theatre last night to see a movie, but went anyway to take a chance on a movie I had heard nothing about. I'm glad and creeped out I did.
The Machinist ( ) shows just ho far into the depths of hell a human being can go with no sleep. Christian Bale, also excellent in American Psycho , is astonishing as Trevor Resnik, a machinist who has not slept in over a YEAR. He has no idea why and his life us unraveling at an accelerated place. He starts to see things all around him, his apartment, his work, and at his hooker girlfriend's place (played by a very appealing and not looking her age Jennifer Jason Leigh). His paranoia is rampant, and forgets simple things, like paying bills. He starts to see a guy named Ivan, a sort of evil shadow with no fingers, who supposedly works with him on third shift. It is as he's starting at this supposed person that a coworker gets his hand caught in a cutting bench because if his distraction. At the same time he starts to date a waitress with a little boy who gets sick in his company at an amusement park. The note he leaves to himself start to change, with a hang man on a post-it that changes every time he sees it. The most horrible part of Trevor's life is his appearance: his plummeting weight, showing the physical deterioration of no sleep. I have often heard the the phrase of looking like Hell before breakfast, but this guy is emaciated, Holocaust style. What Rene Zellweger did for actors gaining weight for a part, Christian Bale should do for extreme weight loss.
The movie quickly shows Trevor's speeding descent into hell. Directed by Brad Anderson (Happy Accidents) and written by Scot Kozar, the movie drags us along on the ride. Everything is set in greys. The cinematography is set so that the viewer feels as lost as Trevor does. He chases Ivan in a red sports car, and when he goes to the cops with the plate number, they tell him its his car. He starts to see either Ivan or pieces of his clothing everywhere, making him turn on everyone. Trevor even cut Ivan's throat in one scene, and when he tries to dump the body, the body rolls out of the carpet its placed in, but there is no body there literally. Scot Kozar is the writer also responsible for Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror, so he knows how to literally creep the viewer out. But the end of the movie I was creeping in my own skin, an as exhausted as Trevor was. This movie is not easy to watch, but satisfying.

What zezrie wants for Yuletide if she had wealthy clientele..

A fellow blogging friend of mine was recently bitching on his blog about other bloggers putting useless lists on theirs (you know who you are !). Thus, to annoy him further, I am putting a list on mine. If I were a high class callgirl, these are the 10 things Id want for Yuletide., in no order. Hell for that matter, and generous fan of the blog can give me these too, I'm not proud.

The house on the corner of High and Rose.
A baby blue Ipod
An Ibook to go with the Ipod.
A house in Key West
A fully stocked studio
All expenses paid opportunity to finish my education
A years supply of Nike Shox TLs ( three pairs)
Unlimited spa visits for a year
Plastic surgery
Trip around the world..

And the 11th, peace on earth and goodwill toward all..but won't be getting that either.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Worshipping at the altar of psychobilly...

0n Friday night the heavens of rock and roll opened and The Rev. Horton Heat descended on The Dame. The good Rev. Has been a mainstay of my music collection since the early 90's. I didn't get to see him this past Feb. Because of the flu. This time I was nursing a hip injury from running ( actually a repeat of a injury from summer), but was determined to go if I had to crawl..And just about did. I held up the side of the bar right where the bands go backstage..Best place in the Dame.
Split Lip Rayfield started the night, a hot rockabilly trio from Kansas City. The hurled rockabilly bluegrass at us for a sold hour with no let up. The standing bass player's instrument was made out of what appearing to me as an old car radiator with a two strings attached..But he wailed on it. There was a couple in front of me, very involved with their music who swayed and jumped the whole set-it was fun to watch. Split Lip Rayfield will be back to the Dame, and I shall be there.
The Rev. came out about 11:30, by the time my hip started screaming. This was the very first time I had seen The Dame sold completely out. There were about 500 people there, conservatively. The music started, and crowd started moving in unison. Beer was flying through the air and no one cared at that point. Horton was dressed like Porter Wagner on acid-dayglow green with purple flames. Jimbo Wallace was on upright bass and Scott Churilla was on drums, dressed in black mechanic shirts. And as usual, all three leveled the building. They played old faves like Wiggle Stick, Big Blue Car, and Low Flying Plane. They did a takeoff on the instrumental Tequila called Marijuana and the crowd went nuts. The band covered swing, punkabilly, and country seamlessly from one song to the next. My only real disappointment was that Rev. Didn't do Sermon on the Jimbo at the end, but did do Psycobilly Freakout for the encore. I left the concert in a great deal of pain and covered in beer, but otherwise musically satisfied.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Biological clocks suck.

Lexington has a water problem, and it has nothing to do with ownership of the company. Today at the KY Clinic, as far as the eye could see, were babies. I'm not talking about annoying toddlers....But dozens of babies under the age of one, like I love them. Thus my conclusion was that pregnancy was in the water sometime last Feb, and somehow I didn't drink. The biological clock fired up, starting at a soft wrist watch tick to a screaming Big Ben Level blast. It drives me nuts too. At this particular place in time, there is not a man in my life I would even contemplate having a child with. Yet, there all the babies were perfect and sweet and loving. I am fully aware I cant even take care of myself properly, let alone another life. The yearning is still there...
For some crazed reason, I want to have a child the old fashioned way--with a husband. I grew up with a single mother, and saw how hard it was on her everyday to keep us afloat. And we were brats that didn't make it easier. I want to go through the experience of getting pregnant with a man who adores me, who wants a child as badly as I do. I want a child that is the reflection of love two people have with each other. This man has to be as excited with every step of the process. Now I know that it is possible that this might happen. Whether this is probable I rather much doubt. I'm 33, and yes I know there are stupid women popping out babies at 57. Not this girl. I wont have a child after 40. So that leaves me 7 years. Yes its possible.....
I will say this: I wont feel incomplete without a baby. Disappointed but not incomplete.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Two Faces

It always amazes me when I find out the truth about people. I always wonder why we all feel the need to put up a false front. As a race are we really that fragile, that afraid? Ive had a man professing his love for me, then tonight I find out what he truly is. It didnt hurt me, I really do not have feelings for this man. I like him but not love him. It bothers me more that Ive lost Dan's friendship. The amazing thing about this guy is that he tried to use honesty as a selling point with me. It just confounds me. Ive been lied to by men...Im not any different from any other woman. I trust people till they give me a reason not to. This man just crossed the line. I didnt trust him really, he was too good to be true. Im not a child, so any men who read this...dont insult my intelligence and you will be just fine.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

World AIDS Day...In my corner of the planet

I want to talk about Jerry for a moment. Jerry was my parents friend for 12 years. He worked with my father in the coal mines in Colorado. He was married to a much younger woman, Joanne, and they lived with three small children that my sister and I were older than. He had been born in France, and grew up in Missouri. He had been a Navy Seal in Viet Nam, and was a black belt in karate. This man spoke at least languages, and was the first real painter I had ever met. He got me interested in art, and Edith Piaf. Jerry went back to school and became a dentist in the mid 80s, eventually becoming an instructor in a dental school. And sometime in the 80s, caught HIV off of a patient. He died in the mid 90's.
I'm sharing this with you because I think every story of every victim in this pandemic is important. This disease is not faceless, sexless, or anonymous. It knows no borders, either of money, race, gender, or age. The powers that be would like to us to think that AIDS doesn't effect Americans anymore, that abstinence programs work and the need for easily available condoms are not necessary. This country has to wake the hell up and realize that this is serious, the whole world is being rocked from it, and to stop living in lala land. Before it's too late, if it isn't already.
Jerry would be in his 60s now. His kids are grown, he has grandchildren he never knew. His wife lives with her HIV under control, something he could not do. We have the technology to slow it down all over the world. Ingnorance is the worst perpetrator of this disease. Let us all band together loner than one day a year to stop it.

The first cool thing of Yuletide has arrived...Besides the damn weather...

Tonight is the official start of the holiday TV season: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer comes on at 8PM. Call me sentimental, silly, or childish if you must, but this time of year is only made tolerable by Xmas specials. Memories of my mom making fudge and us watching Rudolph, Frosty, Grinch ( the original, not the piece of crap movie) are some of the best memories I have of childhood. If I have to deal with all the horse shit that otherwise comes with this month, you better believe I'm enjoying my xmas cartoons with no guilt. I mean, I'm doing Yuletide in my own way, starting my own traditions, trying not to fall into the commercialism of it. So tonight at 8 I will be in front of the TV with popcorn, purple fuzzy blanky and the whole crew from the Island of Misfit Toys...never too late to have a happy childhood.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Wine for dummies

This is a funny guide to wine tasting from the website for the movie Sideways....enjoy...

"Wine Tasting is an educated art that combines experience, knowledge and the cultured use of the three senses involved: sight, smell, and taste. Though it takes many years of practice to recognize certain wines and their area of origin solely by taste, once you know the basics of Wine Tasting, anyone can find it quite enjoyable.

As you begin your journey into the wonderful world of wine, it is recommended that you keep a journal of the various wines you taste. This way, you will not only remember what you have tasted, but you may also compare it to other wines, track wines that you purchase or would like to purchase, and have a resource when describing wines to others in a pseudo-educated and pretentious way. If you so choose, you may also save wine bottle labels to remind you of the wine bottle appearance if you are searching for it later, since you may have been in a drunken stupor while initially viewing the wine bottle.

Make sure that your materials and environment are ideally suited for tasting. Your tapered wine glasses should be dry, clean and not washed in detergent, which may distract from the wine's aroma and flavor. The ideal tasting environment is a light-filled neutral setting, free of distracting odors such as a call girl's perfume or scented candles. It would also be helpful to have a white backdrop to hold the wine up against to gain a neutral perspective of the wine's color. Your best buddy's dirt-free white t-shirt will do just fine. You should not eat before tasting, as the flavors of your food may affect the tasting experience. Always taste white wines first, then rosés, then reds.

The Process: Sight, Aroma & Flavor
1) Spit out your gum into an appropriate trash receptacle.

2) Fill the glass to 1/3 full with your chosen wine.
No more, no less.

3) Hold the glass up at a 45 degree angle and examine the wine against the light and look for color and clarity. White wines start off on the light side with a straw or greenish hue, and as it ages, it becomes a dark golden or even brown color. Red wines are dark purple-red, and as they age, they can become a lighter red-brick to brown. The wine should be clear and bright, not cloudy or hazy.

4) Swirl the glass. Visually observe the body of the wine, and check for "Good legs," which may indicate a thicker body and a higher alcohol content or sweetness level. Swirling also releases the aroma of the wine or "bouquet."

5) Now stick your nose in your glass (don't be afraid to get in there) and smell the wine in a deep yet gentle whiff. The smell of a wine is called its "nose." Contemplate the condition (gentle, musty, earthy), intensity (weak or full) and character (fruit or flower) of the smell and make a note of it. Your nose is more sensitive than your mouth, and can pick-up on subtleties. Therefore, spend as much time as necessary determining the intricacies of what you smell.

6) The taste of the wine is known as its "palate," which you will determine next. Take a small mouthful and allow the wine to hit every part of your mouth, enveloping all of your taste buds. Don't be embarrassed to swish around a bit like you are using mouthwash. Check for Sweetness/Dryness, Acidity, Tannin, Weight or Body and Fruit.

7) Use your spittoon to discard the wine from your mouth, so that your mouth can contemplate the aftertaste. Or swallow if you're secretly seeking a nice buzz.

8) Take a moment and think about the experience of the taste, including your first impressions, the flavors while it was in your mouth, and the aftertaste. Make a note of these thoughts.

9) You are now on your way to becoming a wine connoisseur."

Sideways..A movie review..

I always enjoy waiting to go into a movie at the Kentucky Theatre. Seeing the intellectuals of Lexington leave a good quality movie reassures me. Last nights serving of movie genius was Sideways, the new work from director Alexander Payne. Payne was responsible for such fine works as Election and About Schmidt, and this movie ranks right up there with them in quality. The story is this- Miles (Paul Giamatti), an 8th grade teacher and failed writer, gives his buddy Jack (Thomas Haden Church) a has been actor, a gift of a wine tasting trip the week before Jack gets married. Naturally these two are polar opposites, Miles is still grieving over a divorce, and Jack wants to get laid a few more times before he gets hitched. Also, Miles is a wine expert, Jack could drink Mad Dog 20/20 and not care. The only thing that joins these two is a common past and fear of the future. They make it to the wine country of Coastal California, where trouble soon follows. Miles re-meets a divorced waitress and fellow wine expert, Maya (Virginia Madsen). Jack hooks up with one of Maya's friends Stephanie (Sandra Oh), a local vineyard worker and single mother. Of course the guys have two different agendas, Miles falls in love, Jack wants a bed buddy and tells Stephanie what she wants to hear. Through the course of both relationships they wander the Central California coast wineries in all their beauty, till Jack starts talking about giving up wedding plans and Miles finds his book will not be published. Of course Stephanie finds out the truth from Maya, and everything blows up.
This movie has an abundance of great acting. I personally liked Virginia Madsen's performance. She was all soul. Thomas Hayden Church was also hilarious as Jack. He played the aging actor afraid to lose his mojo to perfection. I hadn't seen him in anything since the series Wings. The most prominent characters were actually the Central California locations and the process of wine tasting itself. Payne seems to use both as a metaphor for the lives of the characters: wine needs nurturing, some years are better than others, and some wines mature faster than others. Payne also shows a good contrast of the aristocratic business of wine with the ordinary Wal-mart locals who work in the trenches with it.
This is a must see for people who like a well written movie with an education enjoined with it. You enjoy the movie and learn about wine at the same time..Perfect.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Life imitates art.

I found this story in :

(1996) Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on state Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-giggin' trip.
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck's headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston (shot his intimate parts off) or we might have been dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught.
Incorrectly attributed to the Arkansas Democrat Gazette, 25 July 1996. The Gazette issued a decisive statement denouncing this story as a hoax on October 17, 1997.

Now in Episode 10 Season 1 of Mythbusters ( Jamey Hyneman and Adam Savage proved this was indeed possible, witht he same ball busting results. Amazing how rednecks can actually found science...HAHHAh

Me windswept in the mountains of Kentucky Posted by Hello

An average crazy two weeks

As everyone can tell, I haven't been on in while. I've kinda been on an emotional roller coaster. Met a guy, he wanted me way too fast too soon, and of course I freaked and almost blew it. Well all but blew it. Anyway it cooled as fast as it heated up, so it makes a bit of twisted sense. Been working on my embroidery, and not my painting, but art is art. I wanted to go see Gaelic Storm at Woodsongs, but they of course sold out before I could make the reservations. Never fear, I cheated and watched the netcast of it..The reason I pay my cable bill-broadband rocks. I went ahead and bought my Horton Heat ticket early, so I'm set. The holiday's are upon me once more. They suck as badly as they ever did. Thus I will have my first holidays completely alone, with my art supplies and pot and own good company. I'm trying to run a turkey trot on thurs, the Throroughbred 5000 at Keeneland, but having trouble finding a ride...A taxi will have to do in a pinch. I'm running at 7 minute stresses at a time now..I hope to make it to 10 minutes by xmas. Probably alienated Dan too. He found out I had sex since we broke up, which I guess I wasn't supposed to do since we broke up 4 months ago :P he's been moody all week, probably not all because of me but I always play my part to annoy...Its my best quality LOL.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Being clumsy with the Clumsy Lovers

Yes my favorite band was in town again: The Clumsy Lovers. The flew back into The Dame as they promised this summer. I went by myself since Dan has moved in with his trainwreck and her deliquents, and bailed. Typical. Anyway, the show started with an opening band familiar and new to Lexington audiences, Parlor Tricks. They are made up of members from several local bands, including Big Maracas, The Yonders, and Stoll Vaughn. They has a melancholy sound, but they were good. The second band was the Navigators, a New York 4 piece touring with CL. They had a good feeling rock sound, but the bassist stood out. Imagine Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers on a standing Bass and you have this guy. He was amazing.
Then Clumsy Lovers hit the stage roaring. If you sit still during one of their shows, you have to be comatose. They only played 2 songs from the current CD, which disappointed me, but the played the important one, Everything's OK. They played a few older pieces, and some newly written material. Andrea was incredible, her fiddle has never sounded better, and she adorable. Trevor and Chris took turns signing. Gord was solid on the kit, and the encore was Jason playing a classical piece on the banjo. Members of the Navigators even came back on stage for a song. It was rollicking and fun, a good way to forget winter's coming and the election sucked. It was a delightful time for all.

The Liberal's lament....

This hit our office from somewhere on the net...I appreciated it.

Psalm 2004

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for his cronies' sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found,
He makest me continue to fear Evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointest me with never-ending debt:
Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

hahhah amen

Friday, November 05, 2004

Me now..the current pic.. Posted by Hello

The best headline in the World Posted by Hello

The British have it right

Here is a link to the cover of the Mirror in Britain......It is now my wallpaper on my puter...

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Resources for the Struggle..

Since I am staying in this country I love to fight the Regime, I thought I might share some info for those who wish to join me...

Civil Liberties:
--The American Civil Liberties Union (
This is the one group that has stood toe to toe with this administration and won. They are battling the Patriot Act as hard as they can. The ACLU protects all assaults on the Constitution. You can join, or just register on the web site and they have an online letter system where you can email your representatives and (ahem) President directly. This is the big group to protect us here, please support them.

--Amnesty International USA ( ) This group has been fighting the good fight for human dignity and rights for decades, and have been trying to keep the current administration honest about there own failures, Guantánamo and Abu Ghraib are the most open. They choose no favorites, they fight any country committing atrocities, even our own.

Reproductive Rights:
--Planned Parenthood (
The oldest reproductive choice group in the country. They are on the front lines trying to protect choice, along with the ACLU. Abortion Rights is something Bush will go after big time, and this group have the power to fight.

--National Organization for Women ( They are on the forefront of women's rights, gay or straight. They also have the political clout to fight for reproductive, and sexual rights. This, on top of social issues such as equal pay, and other gender issues Bush has blown off.

--Greenpeace USA ( Fearless or foolhardy, Greenpeace fights for the environment with the gloves off. They like to get in the face of anyone destroying out planet, including our president. They may be extreme, but these are extreme times. Bush will tear down 20 years of environmental law, they will fight.
--Sierra Club ( They are a bit more subtle than Greenpeace, but carry as much clout. This is the oldest environmental group in the USA, and have influence in Congress.

As with the ACLU, all of these organizations have a Take Action Now Section, where you can log in and send faxes and emails for free to you legislative reps, leader, or any other entity that can be made to listen. I get malicious glee thinking about my various leaders getting faxed bombed by pissed off constituents. This is the best place to begin..Give them a try.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

The War Pigs Won

I thought this extremely appropriate considering. I want to figure out a way for this song to play through Bush's fillings, with the screams of all the dead he killed. I no longer will sit in silence. Half this country has been cheated. I will not sit still.

War Pigs/Luke's Wall (7:55)

Gen'rals gathered in their masses,
Just like witches at black masses
Evil minds that plot destruction,
Sorcerer of death's construction
In the fields the bodies burning,
As the war machine keeps turning
Death and hatred to mankind,
Poisoning their brainwashed minds
Oh Lord Yeah!

Politicians hide themselves away
They only started the war
Why should they go out to fight?
They leave thier role to the poor, yeah

Time will tell on their power minds,
Making war just for fun
Treating people just like pawns in chess,
Wait 'till their judgement day comes, yeah

Now in darkness world stops turning,
Ashes where the bodies burning
No more War Pigs have the power,
And as God has struck the hour
Day of judgement, God is calling
On their knees the war pigs crawling,
Begging mercies for their sins
Satan, laughing, spreads his wings
Oh Lord Yeah!"

Tuesday, November 02, 2004


Today, I was proud to be an American, for the first time in four years. I walked to Woodland School to do my part. I Walked in and was stunned by what I saw. It wasn't the line that shocked me, I expected that. It was the age of the voters. The majority were under 30. I've participated in 4 presidential elections all over the country, and I've never seen the number of 18-25 yr. olds like I did today. It looks like most of the staff and student body old enough at the University of Kentucky participated: it's why Fayette Co. Is the most liberal in the state. They were pouring in when I left, but my wait was only 15 minutes. I suppose younger voters realized that is is probably the most important election in their lifetimes. Looks what's on the line for them: a draft, cut financial aid, no jobs when they graduate, and deep debt where the schools have to raise tuition because of budget cuts. This is the most critical decision they may make. Now true, Kerry wasn't as bold as I would have liked. I wanted Howard Dean, ass would have been kicked in government if he had made it. Kerry will play it safe, but still better than Dubya.

My wants are simple for this country. We need to get back our credibility over seas. We need to get the deficit down. We need to open up research to science and not religion. We need an equal rights amendment not only for women, but gays and lesbians too. We need to get the fuck out of Iraq. We need to catch Bin Laden. We need to be responsible with our environment and cut our oil usage--find alternative energy sources. Medical care and education must be a priority. And religion must be separated from state and politics once and for all. And the only way to accomplish this is to one day get a president who is not afraid, or crazy. Maybe in my lifetime...

Monday, November 01, 2004

Lyrics alert..

"Johnny Tarr:" Gaelic Storm

Lemme tell you a little story about a man named Johnny Tarr.
He was a hard drinking son of a preacher, he was always at the bar.
Lager from the tap or shots of Paddy from the shelf.
He could open his throttle and throw back a bottle as quick as the devil himself.
Johnny Tarr!
Word got around that Johnny Tarr was no pretender.
From Clare to here they'd lock up the beer when Johnny went on a bender.
Down at Dickey Mack's, the Rising Sun, or at the Swan
if he was drinking at seven by ten to eleven well all the booze would be gone!
Johnny Tarr!

Even if you saw it yourself, you wouldn't believe it.
And I wouldn't trust a person like me, if I were you.
I wasn't there. I swear I have an alibi.
I heard it from a man who knows a fellow who says it's true!

It was nine in the morning on a cold rainy night.
Johnny rolled into the Castle Bar, looking to get tight.
He had money in his pocket, he had whiskey in his eye.
He said, "Get up off your asses and set up the glasses. I'm drinking this place dry!"
Now all the serious boozers, they were soon broken hearted
when Johnny finished off six and he was only getting started.
Guzzling down the pints, knockin' em back like candy.
He was lookin' alright to be drinkin' all night, then Nora brought out the Brandy!
Johnny Tarr!


Johnny drank the whole damn bottle, had another pint or two.
When it made no impression he started his session with Murphy's Millenium Brew.
He was waiting for his pint when his face turned green
Jesus, Johnny fell down after only fifteen!
You could have heard a pin drop, then the crowd let out a ROAR!
It took five Cork women to lift Johnny off the floor!
The doctor looked him over and said, "you better call the hearse,
but it's not what you're thinkin'. It wasn't the drinkin'! This man died of thirst!!"


Sunday, October 31, 2004

Rewards: Z as sex goddess?

I went to the first party I've been to in along while last night. I was treated like I was beautiful, intelligent and seductive. I actually believed it. I am sitting at home now with an afterglow. Many firsts last night: first time naked in front of 7 people of mixed genders in a hot tub. I had my first threesome, mFF, and it was very very cool. And I fufilled a mans fantasy this morning, on tape. I really haven't felt this sexy, well, ever.
This whole weight loss thing has me topsy turvy. I really don't know who the hell I am anymore, especially when I'm out of my normal social circle. People I see everyday do not react like these people at the party did. lol familiarity breeds boredom. My confidence is much better. I always envied these women who seemed irresistible to men. I have never ever been that way. If its going this well now...Wonder what will happen when I hit 150?

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Running for cover

Ok, so there weren't any major acts of the almighty during the Red Sox win, the win was enough. Speaking of unlikely people feeling like a champion, I finally did a 5-1-5 today. To define, I ran 5 minutes/1 minute walk/ran 5 minutes. 5 minute warm up walk/5 minute cool down walk. Before I hear any crap from a marathoner who just stumbled over this, listen: this time last year I was 300 pounds. I was always out of breath, even though I walked everywhere. Now I'm roughly 200. 5/1/5 means I'm at the point where I will be running more than I walk. This goal has been with me since I met Scott in 1991. He was about 5'8, 135, and the first marathoner I had ever met. I thought he was a lunatic. Then I saw him eat...And eat...And eat. He consumed, we counted, 10,000 calories a day. That was what convinced me. And yet, through, the years I never found the courage, till now, to try. I saw what the human body could endure through John. Now I look down at my legs and see calf muscles. I can run up Rose St. Hill from High to Maxwell with no stopping. I can climb stairs, I can wear a size I haven't worn in 17 years. I had a 19 yr old tell me I looked 24 the other day to my face, seriously. I feel beautiful and sexy. Getting rid of the rest of it will be the challenge, but I'm up to it. I can see myself doing a marathon. I can see me wearing a size 6 ( my sick goal). These things are close for me. It feel damn good.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Incompetence...I feel so loved.

Today was my first day at work since vacation. I found my office cubby hole totally changed around, and the one duty that I loved, dissertation checking for format, has been taken away. I am now a glorified secretary. Now I'm being told by Dan and other friends that this is a good thing-less stress, less headache. So why do I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach? Did I get off on the stress? It's like, I feel like I am not competent. Just because of my depression, I cannot do what I used to....Or is that the depression talking? I just want to paint for a living, then I could work alone and not deal with the pressures of coworkers and the shit that comes with it. I am trying to get another job at UK though. I think it is time to move on. I don't feel useful there.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Legends go quickly

John Peel

The man who was responsible for promoting most of the best in English rock is gone. John Peel died yesterday at the age of 65. Now, most of America do not know of him unless you are a hard core obscure band buff like I am. This man is single handedly responsible for music from David Bowie, the whole damn Punk movement, and of course the newest hottest music on the scene now. Peel was the longest running DJ at BBC radio, and played demo tapes of nobody bands that exploded later. He was the cutting edge of music. I wish to the Goddess that we had DJS here in America that had the balls to play the obscure bands, the unheard of talent.
He will be missed by all of us true music fans.

LOL he's a freak but I like his style

I just read the Hunter S. Thompson article in Rolling Stone. Fear and Loathing, Campaign 2004, Dr. Thompson pulls no punches, he never did. He calls a spade a spade, or rather, "Bush is a natural-born loser with a filthy-rich daddy who pimped his son out to rich oil-mongers. He hates music, football and sex, in no particular order, and he is no fun at all." Thompson rails against the Bush Machine with all the vitriol he's famous for. This article actually makes me glad he didn't turn his brain to mush in the Sixties after all, though that point can be argued against. This article is furious and funny and too timely..A must read.

The beginning of Samhain week..The year in review..

First, I would like to define Samhain for those not of the faith. Samhain (pronounced Sowain) is the beginning of the wheel of the year for those in the pagan and witch communities. Happy new year to us! It is a time where we remember those who have gone on, and what we want to accomplish in the new year. This is considered the most sacred day in the pagan and witch year. Since joy is supposed to be tied in with all our holidays, I think Halloween is a hoot. It is my favorite time of the year. I especially get a kick out of all the people who dress as witches, seeing their faces when I tell them I'm a real one. I revel in all the good scary stuff on TV, especially witch documentaries. Its out one chance to dispel the misinformation about our faith. The cream of the witch crop get out and try their best with the time they have to make people understand we don't eat Christian babies. To Laurie Cabot, Selena Fox, Silver RavenWolf, Starhawk (my girl!!) Phyllis Corot, I salute you sisters...Blessed BE!!!!
Last year at this time I was 100 lbs heavier, in a dead end section of U of KY, and not back in school. I asked for all three to be changed, I got all three done. The Mother blessed me and I am grateful, so grateful. The love life section wasn't the hottest, but hey. I was happy with Dan for a while, till the old patterns resurfaced. So, I must come up with three things I want for next year...hmmmmm.

ONE: To make huge progress in my art. I want to be working on and close to being ready for a gallery show by this time next year with my paintings. I want to be approaching the ability to support myself with my art.

TWO: To get the rest of the weight off. I am between 200 and 228 (which ever doctors office scale you believe), I claim 200. I want to be 130. 70 lbs to go. I want to be training for something larger than a 5k, either a 10k or even a half marathon. I want to be healthy, and damnit, look really hot. I'm craven enough to admit it.

THREE: The third choice is usually something whimsical or simply out of reach in my view. Last year it was getting back to school. This year I am asking for something I consider insane. I want to find and meet jack. I want to find out the truth about what he is exactly. Is he an astral projection of a real person that he looks like, or is he a spirit using an appearance of someone I am insane about to help me without freaking me out. I want to find out once and for all, meeting the real person and seeing if he is aware of all this ( or he will send me to jail or a mental hospital LOL if he's freaked enough).

That is my manifesto for the upcoming year. Let's see if it works.

Monday, October 25, 2004

The difference is already felt.

Ok I've been back on the wellbutrin for 3 days now. Sweet Merciful Goddess, the difference is felt. I have had more stamina in my running. I have had so much energy. Sleep is not there quite yet but it will be. So, the conclusion I have come to is that Wellbutrin, until something better is made, is my permanent friend. I am the best functioning person I can be on it, and if it wears down again, I just go off and on it, again. It is the best I can do. And that annoys me, but hey at this point I'm not proud. I just want to live.

Lyrics alert

by Carbon Leaf

Chase the higher ground – where you’d rather be
Where you might be found
Face all aglow, to leave from here
To pack up and go
But it takes some time to get away
And you will have to build from what remains
To run it takes the courage of a lamb
To love, the fierceness of a storm

Paloma you wonder if you’ll miss the thunder
And everyone’s staring, but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch on to the breeze
Just take the leap…and you’re free

Chase the higher ground – where you’d rather be
Where you might be found
This move may erase the troubles in your head
Or expose the absence of your soul
And so, it takes some time to get away
And you will have to tear down what remains
And I can’t stand by for goodbyes
So hold on to me, or lead the way
Paloma you wonder if you’ll miss the thunder
And everyone’s staring but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch on to the breeze
Just take the leap…and you’re free

Pace yourself when outrunning fear
Take cover when it’s dark
And keep an even keel
In your would you’re only a phone away
But in my world you’re too far to feel
And it may take some time to learn what’s real
And you may have to beg and borrow
And you will surely steal
Remember all those lonely lessons
Turned into yesterday’s lessons
To never forget love. To never forget love

Paloma you wonder if you’ll miss the thunder
And everyone’s staring but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch on to the breeze
Just take the leap…and you’re free

Paloma you cry out you beg for connection
The dreams you seek are straight ahead in every direction
Now you’re free
Now that you’re free
Now that you’re free
You’re free

Today I watched the greatest thing of all
A flock of birds, preparing for the Fall

I might know the answer to my problem...

I had a realization just now, not an epiphany exactly, but a possible reason for my problems. During my married life I moved 4 times, big moves. These kind of moves involved selling all our stiff except three bags each and going. This happened approximately every two years. It has now been two years since I moved back here with John. Thus, maybe it is time for a move. The question is first, where? I have lived all over the place just about. There are a few places Id like to try. New Orleans would be wonderful. Taos, New Mexico is another consideration, beautiful and spiritual.
There are criteria for this move. The place has to be spiritual in some way. It has to be big enough for nightlife. It has to have a thriving arts scene. Detroit fills two of the requirements..Spiritual is debatable. Warm it is not either, and that's another consideration. I thought about Key West or Savannah again..That's also an idea. Whether I would be happy there, since I have a history there, is a question. But, they would be different cities now. This will be my big ponderance the next little while.

Hmm...On Love

I was thinking about love tonight...I'm doing a pastel work on love entitled "Let Us Be Lovers". In the middle of being covered in red pastel I started thinking about what it would take for me to love again. I'm not talking about sex and fondness, I'm talking about full blown, all out Love. The kind of love that makes you abandon every fear you have an trust the other. The kind of love that people die over. The great muse of all art. This would be the kind of love I would have a child for. I got very sad and just quit the drawing for the night to think hard, since I was so disturbed by the thought. I wasn't passionately in love with John when we married. In fact, I worried hard for the first two years about whether I loved him enough to continue the marriage. I grew up a lot those first two years. I realized that I had a man who loved me no matter what the hell happened. This guy thought I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. And, the most important part of all, I never lost a wink of sleep about him cheating on me, ever. He had lost two marriages to infidelity (they, not him). The next three years of our marriage I was in love, the big L kind of love. When he quit breathing in my arms, I loved him so passionately it was unreal.
Is that the way its supposed to be? Just get married to a guy you are fond of, then hope for the best? I have been head over heels in love, before and after my marriage. The free falling, all or nothing kind that ended up more nothing than all. I have had lovers that made me feel alive in bed who had the personality of a work boot outside the sheets. What I don't get is why it has to be one way or the other? Or, why is it working out that way for me so far? I mean I can't really complain about my life. I like my own company, and enjoy it. My space is mine, and I am very skittish about living with someone EVER again. I can do as I please, when I please, how I please. And yet....Is this my biological clock screaming? I'm 33, and time is not on my side anymore. I have felt this gigantic urge to kick myself in the ass and DO SOMETHING with this life. I want to be an artist, I want to be in love with a man I didn't have to settle for, I want to be famous (LMAO). I want, want, want......I need to figure out what I need to do to live and love exactly on my terms. Will I have to move, quit my job, do something drastic to be what I want to be, and who I want to be with? Will passionate, do-stupid-things Love ever come back my way?
Sigh...I am no closer to finishing my painting. Love is still the BIG MYSTERY, and always will be. And I will never be satisfied.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Speaking of Coincidences

Speaking of strange goings on, I had a few coincidences of my own today. Went window shopping on Woodland today, with my cross stitch ( I thought there was a embroidery store in the Woodland corridor, I don't know why.). On the way up I saw Fred. Fred is a local musician, and former coworker of mine that I drove nuts during my grieving period (poor guy). I waved and walked on-he doesn't talk much with me anymore, for good reason (lol). Then, I headed to Common Grounds, the local coffee kasbah. I found out by going there last weekend for the first time in ages that the hot artsy guys congregate there. Thus, I sat my happy ass down with my Plantation blend cuppa joe and my Witchy pic to finish up. People watched a bit as I sat there, seeing plenty of the sexy deep artistic looking men I'm apt to lust over. Took note I needed to go back on Sunday, and loaded back to the Cave ( my attic apartment, henceforth known as...) in the rain. I saw a flyer for a political get together at Mecca from 6-9pm, so after being counselor for my friend Todd on the phone, I sauntered out, in the rain.
Got to Mecca at 7:00 ish. Who should be working the door but a guy I saw at Grounds earlier. I remembered him because he had the nerve to go to this flimsy looking little blonde thing in front of me, sit down and commence flirting. I was amused and impressed at his audacity. Went though the liberal political carnival, playing such games as Bust the war balloon, find the bullshit darts and putting toy soldiers into a put-put golf Iraq..You get the picture. Left about 8 after winning some nifty anti Bush stuff for the Office. I decided to head down main street to see if the Lexington Arts Center was still open. Since Alfalfa's has gotten there it has had plenty of business. I got there, marveled and ate my heart out at all the paintings there that weren't mine, and talked to Lexie, who I used to be in a Sculpture class with. As I was heading out the door, and getting ready to Jwalk across to Phoenix park, I heard some guy shout HEY. I swung around to see one of the patron's answering his cell, then I glanced behind him. Sure enough, there stood Fred, smoking. Apparently he had a gig at Alfalfa's tonight, he plays there a lot.
So, I head home in a wet and pensive mood. I saw two guys at two different places, one I know well, one was a stranger. Since seeing I Heart Huckabees I've been pondering coincidences. Is it just a quirk that I see Fred twice in one day? He does live half a block away from my house and I rarely see him. That at one places I see a guy and kinds wistfully wished he was coming on to me, then get to talk to him a little longer somewhere else? Does this mean I just crazy, which is entirely possible. The cranky, pessimistic side thinks that the Lexington arts scene is just way too damn small and I am apt to see people over and over. But this is the first time I have ever seen two people twice in one day by accident. Sigh...Am I so desperate for magic that I'm looking for it where its not? Or should I just quit de boning it, take another puff off the happy hay, and trust My Lady Goddess Hecate's will? Hmm choice two looks like a plan.....

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Movie night .."I Heart Huckabees"

LOL I thought that What the Bleep would be the end of my mind bending movie experiences. Then, I went out and saw I Heart Hucakbees last night: similar theme, much easier to grasp, and really funny. The premise is this: Albert (Jason Schwartzman) sees this tall black kid in a picture store, once again as the doorman at a building, and in a car going past him. He freaks out about the coincidence of it, and goes to a pair of "Existential Detectives" ( played brilliantly by a very gracefully aging Lilly Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman) to figure it out. Of course chaos when the pair starts delving into his life, every part of it, including watching his every move. This digs up Albert's complicated life: He is the head of a save the green space coalition that has brought in a "friend" ( the kind that makes you appreciate your enemies) Brad ( Jude Law). Brad is an executive for Huckabee's, a Walmart like store chain, and there to supposedly help Albert with fundraising for the coalition. As the movie progresses, Brad comes to the detectives to try to make Albert look bad. Add in Brad's girlfriend Dawn ( Naomi Watts), who gets pulled into the investigation with life problems of her own, and things get uglier. Albert gets teamed up with a life buddy, Tommy ( Mark Wahlburg) a fire fighter who is having a existential crisis. Tommy leads him to the Detectives arch rival, Catherine (Isabelle Huppert), who approach to Albert's predicament is a polar opposite of the Dectectives. The Detectives point it that the world and everything in it is connected, and Albert's problem is tied to Brad. Catherine's approach is that life sucks, nothing is connected and you deal with it ( very Sartre). Meanwhile, everybody's life spins out of control till the end, when Albert realizes that Brad and he are kindred spirits in misery, and that both the Detectives and Catherine were right. This is an ensemble cast, which normally doesn't give any of the starts enough exposure, but I liked the balance of the movie. Mark Wahlberg makes this movie, as a good hearted yet troubled( after the "September Incident" as Lilly Tomlin's character Vivian remarks) fire fighter that turns into the real friend Albert didn't have in Brad. Also, Naomi Watts is hilarious as the model who has appearance issues and regresses to dressing in overalls and a bonnet (think Little House on the prairie) to deal with them, losing her spokesmodel job with Huckabee's.
It's a good thing these kinds of dectectives don't exist in real life, they would be overran with business. I found it hilarious that, as someone suffering through my own existential funk, a movie finally was made to tackle the Why-the-Hell-am-I-Here question in a funny way. I enjoyed it.

I Heart Huckabee's now showing at the Kentucky Theatre.

I told you so.....

Yep, I just saw on Yahoo a few minutes ago...There is set to be a lunar eclipse during game 4 of the World Series. Seeing that Fenway Park hasn't seen a world series game since 1903, my theory of hell freezing over is coming closer. I'm expecting raining frogs tonight, ala "Magnolia". "There is a 50 minute raining Frog delay for the game this evening, thank you for your patience." So should we expect fire and brimstone? Beer to start to turn to blood on game three? How much cosmic chaos could this cause?

Friday, October 22, 2004

The BIG Message

This is the one section of What the Bleep Do We Know that warped my its entirety.
I Create My Day

"The most often referenced interview in the film is Dr. Joe Dispenza's comments on creating his day. In response to the numerous requests, the following is the transcript of that part of the interview.

'I wake up in the morning, and I consciously create my day the way I want it to happen. Now, sometimes, because my mind is examining all the things that I need to get done, it takes me a little bit to settle down, and get to the point, of where I'm actually intentionally creating my day. But here's the thing. When I create my day, and out of nowhere, little things happen that are so unexplainable, I know that they are the process or the result of my creation. And the more I do that, the more I build a neural net, in my brain, that I accept that that's possible. Gives me the power and the incentive to do it the next day. So, if we're consciously designing our destiny, if we're consciously, from a spiritual standpoint, throwing in what the idea that our thoughts can affect our reality or affect our life, because reality equals life. Then, I have this little pact that I have when I create my day.

"I say, I'm taking this time to create my day, and I'm infecting the Quantum Field. Now, if it is in fact, the observer's watching me the whole time that I'm doing this, and there is a spiritual aspect to myself. Then, show me a sign today, that you paid attention to any one of these things that I created, and bring them in a way that I won't expect. So, I'm as surprised as the- as the- at my ability to be able to experience these things, and make it so that I have no doubt that its come from you. And so, I live my life, in a sense, all day long, thinking about being a genius, or thinking about being the glory and the power of God, or thinking about being Unconditional Love. I'll use living as a genius, for example. And as I do that, during parts of the day, I'll have thoughts that are so amazing, that cause a chill in my physical body, that have come from nowhere. But then, I remember that that thought has an associated energy, that's produced an effect in my physical body. Now, that's a subjective experience, but the truth is is that I don't think that unless I was creating my day to have unlimited thought, that that thought would come.'"

(Dr. Joe Dispenza in “What the #$BLEEP*! Do We Know!?”)

Thursday, October 21, 2004

My social calendar for next 2 months..Music wise

These are the places that I will be the next two months on my calendar, come hell or high water (probably both, see earlier post).
--10/29/04 Cross Canadian Ragweed, The Dame Lexington, KY--
A good blues country band getting airplay on CMT.

--11/08/04 Clumsy Lovers, The Dame Lexington, KY
Are they bluegrass? Celtic?Mutant? Who knows, who cares..They kick ass and are back for their third tour of duty in Lex.

--11/22/04 Gaelic Storm, (at Woodsongs Old Time Radio Hour ) The Kentucky Theatre, Lexington, KY,
A fun Celtic band on a fun show. Woodsongs is broadcast all over the world on public radio. And if you remember the part in third class in Titanic..You know this band.

--12/03/04 The Reverend Horton Heat, The Dame, Lexington, KY
WOO HOO...The Good Reverend will be back in town. I missed his last show because of the flu in Feb. Honky Tonk psychobilly shit kicking music with a sense of humor sorely lacking in country music.
All show times subject to change, that's why I gave you websites..All except The Dame
This is where Ill be rocking out and being in heaven..Check them out.


I have lived through hurricanes, earthquakes, a few tornadoes. I have seen blue moons, they happen a few times a year. I got to see Haley's comet as a kid. There have been situations where I've seen hell or high water show up. Now I have seen the two final impossibilities left. One: the Boston Red Sox have won the pennant. After 86 years. Miracles never cease. So thus, the last impossibility looms: hell freezing over. And it can't be far, since Boston won. Let's bundle up and wait for the World series.....

Lyrics alert

"LoveYour Way"

I got to keep moving to stay warm 'cause I'm freezing in this room
And if I prove no good here I'll skip to where I should
It's only an imaginary vigil that we keep
You salvage what you need I'll take the love you leave

I love your way
I can't explain
What made me change

I'm wading in deeper ever deeper as I go
I drown the whole idea as I drift away from you
It's only and imaginary vigil that we keep
You salvage what you need I'll take the love you leave

And as the memory gathers dust, buried in its crust
Are the remains of what we've done and the seeds of what we just begun
The tapping of the rain beats a corrugated drum
And the city glow well it pulses on to the city hum
Until the day is done
a very cool aussie band..check them out

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Way too uncommon and interesting medical condition LOL

I was talking to my friend Todd last night, and the discussion of an interesting phenomenon came up. It seems that all the white males over 6'2 that are skinny suffer from the same thing...SKINNY WHITE BOY SYNDROME. The main thing that sets these types of men apart is..Well..An inordinately large member. Now the really tall thin guys I've dated have had this condition, all of them (probably why I tend to end up with them even though I'm 5'4). This was all news to Todd, who incidentally is about 6'5, white, and rail thin. And no, I did not ask for proof, didn't have to. So, to see if this was the rule and not the exception, I got online and IMed some of my female friends. Sure enough, all the skinny tall white guys they have dated tend to be packing heat, in a good way. Here is a caveat: just because they are blessed in size does not necessarily mean they know what to do with it...Use the mental image if a battering ram, and you will get the picture.
So, for all you women who see tall skinny white guys as as awkward, geeky, and not appealing..WAIT! The likelyhood of them having a secret surprise is great..Give them a chance! (this in no way was scientifically proven..But if any women out there want to testify to this syndrome..Email me..)

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Poetry alert...

Glenda, the poet laurete of lexington, wants all us good (lol) writers to post poetry when she does...OK...

I. Please.
At first sight if I told you
I am sorry,
I know I am wrong.

II. Nearby
The best looking guy
I have seen.
Or is that some
beautiful god.
Walking by again,
SMILE! I thought...
at first sight too
I think
before my dream
walks out of my world.

III. Jack
Black and rhythm are
He is symbol, mess,
passion and experiment.
Why say be surreal?
He is free,
Alive eating angels.
Make me deep,
or drunk
in your world.

Ok now what...

Want to hear a catch 22? My insurance pays only 50% of mental health costs, which would end up being 125$ first visit. The I call Comprehensive Care, a local mental health agency. Because I have insurance, they will not scale the fee and I must pay 162$ before I can see a psychiatrist. Here is the rub: my ordinary doctor insists that I get a psychiatrist, because they have run out of meds to give me. I have quit reacting to my favorite medicine, and she wants me to see a specialist. Makes sense. However, if this were a fucking cardiologist, Id be paying 10 bucks. But NO, this is psych and I have to pay everything. I am stuck. If I don't figure out something soon I'm going to self destruct. Depression is just as dangerous as a heart attack untreated. So what the hell am I supposed to do !!!!!!

Monday, October 18, 2004

The great experiment failed....

Well I had a meltdown at work on Friday, then went to a doctor's appointment. The great experiment has failed for right now. So I have to start retaking the meds. I don't feel guilty though. I think I went about it too quickly. I will continue to study quantum mechanics and cognitive theory, just on the safe side of antidepressants. I am now on an enforced vacation being lazy. I have decided to hit the mind over matter manner in a different direction. I am terrorfied of failure. The best way to deal is to put yourself in the spot that makes you scared. I'm going to paint this week and write, as painful as it may be. Just get it done is all I can do.

Political perversion and pleasure...

I have been passed on the sickest funniest political cartoon of this season:
They finally mixed my two favorite things: politics and Rocky Horror Picture show. This is so wrong in so many ways...Delicious..

Friday, October 15, 2004

dropped in mid air

Well it is official. My doctor jerked me from work for 7 days. I am on a mental health vacation. Broke down at work all day. So, I am home until the 26th. Now what? A lot of painting, alot of writing hopefully. The who net week will be a challenge.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


" Solar Plexus Chakra

Also known as: Power Center, Manipura

Location: Solar plexus

Color: Yellow

Parts of the Body: The parts of the body associated with this chakra include the muscular system, the skin as a system, the solar plexus, the large intestine, stomach, liver, and other organs and glands in the region of the solar plexus. Also the eyes, as the organs of sight, and the face, representing figuratively the face one shows the world.

Endocrine Gland: The pancreas

Sense: Eyesight

Consciousness: Parts of the consciousness associated with this chakra include perceptions concerned with power, control, freedom, the ease with which one is able to be themselves - ease of being. Mental activity and the mental body is also associated with this chakra. The solar plexus chakra is also associated with the level of being we call the personality, or ego.

The relationship a person has with fire, or the sun, can be seen to have its parallels in the person’s relationship with the parts of their consciousness that this chakra represents. Someone sensitive about the sun, then, can be seen to have particular sensitivities about power, or control, or freedom.

Element: Fire, the sun. "

--from the website --

It feels like a sick churning in the solar plexus, traveling under your stomach through to your back. Like the muscle is actually twisting your guts into macrame. This feeling is also normally accompanied by heart ache, impotence, anxiety, cold dread fear. All rapped up it makes one state of being: RAGE.

"Pronunciation: 'rAj
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old French, from Late Latin rabia, from Latin rabies rage, madness, from rabere to be mad; akin to Sanskrit rabhas violence
1 a : violent and uncontrolled anger b : a fit of violent wrath c archaic : INSANITY
2 : violent action (as of wind or sea)
3 : an intense feeling : PASSION"

-- Merriam-Webster Online --

LOL an intense feeling, to put it sweetly. And at this precise moment I am positively seething with it. Uncontrollable, inexplicable, implacable. I am being held by it like a steel wire corset. It has been building for days. I am so sick of the work I do, even if it does help people and gives me prestige. I am sick that I had to drop my sculpture class because I have no money, but a prissy job. My apartment looks like hell hit it, and I am too immobilized by strong emotion to deal with it. My senses are being bombarded. I am furious that I cannot deal with all these feelings at once because I have been so heavily medicated in the past few years I have lost my conditioning to deal with them properly..If I even had that ability to begin with. So my experiment with forcing my emotions to my will to change my physiology is not going well. I want another life, I am the one solely resposible for making this happen. When I go to make the first step to do this, I look down to see that my feet are bound. What (or for that matter who) the hell do I have to do to accomplish this? It is boiling down to the one thing I have been avoiding: strong magic.
it is the 13th of the month, on the night of a dark moon. It is time to talk with Hecate. I do not like disturbing the Mother unless the need is great..Now its dire. Hecate is stern but kind, exacting but loving. She will at least hear me.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Cool Lyrics alert

bring me to life

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where i've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become

now that i know what i'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become
bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time i can't believe i couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life


Sunday, October 10, 2004

Forcing my old mind to learn new tricks.

One of the premises of Quantum mechanics and the human mind (from my limited grasp) is that the mind can be reprogrammed to handle emotions differently. The idea is this: the body gets used to feeling certain feelings, and gets addicted to the hormones released when that situation is realized. For example, if one gets used to depression, or aggression, or being a victim, the mind will set up situations so it can feel those emotions and get the high from the hormones released. Now the Quantum theory on this is that you can decide to handle situations differently, to reprogram the body to loose the addiction to the situation, and then replace the negative addiction with the positive. Now this hits some sensitive areas within the mental illness issue. What if the mind is incapable of making that kind of concentrated effort to change its body chemistry? It begs the question: if a person shows signs of mental illness, is it truly an illness or an addiction to the cause/affects of the hormones released? It has taken years to remove the stigma of mental illness from being a personality fault to a legitimate medical condition. Is it reasonable to think someone who is schitzophrenic, or psychotic and actually change their behavior by force of will alone? What if they don't have the capacity to even realize there is anything "wrong" with their behavior? Depression is way different. I know I have been depressed my whole life, and I know that is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. Am I actually addicted to the way I feel when I'm depressed? Sweet Goddess, I really don't see how I could be? I feel miserable as hell. I have trouble functioning sometimes. But I find it intriguing that I could possibly change my life by forcing myself to react differently to everyday stimuli that causes me to feel depressed. Like today for example. I was stood up on a date. I normally would have walked home sobbing and feeling like it was my fault, with a dollop of self loathing I-deserved-it emotions on top of it ( the poor me reaction). I decided differently. I was justifiably pissed, but I didn't cry. I didn't kick the crap out of my own self esteem, I merely decided it wasn't meant to be, and went on. Yes I am disappointed, but it is not going to debilitate me the rest of the day. I have been fighting the feeling of depression though, and that's harder. The feeling of on the verge of tears, anxious and worthless. So far this experiment has been mixed. I have always considered myself a work in progress anyway. Maybe after the next week when the no meds mode stabilizes, I will have a better grasp of this theory.

My Saturday night.

Well, so far the whole experiment with no meds, to explore my true psyche in relation to quantum mechanics, has been mixed. I sat most of yesterday in front of the computer trying to decide what to do last night. I am tired of being alone, and yet I have to force myself to be around people. I found my friend Ron online, who said he was DJing at 141 Club, on of the local gay bars. I figured I go out and see him spin and see the people. I started getting ready at 10, even wore the little black dress that looks better and better on me the more I wear it. I got to 141 at 11ish, after walking around the block to get the courage to go in...This is a new thing. Normally I'm not shy about going into a club; I'm assigning this to no meds. I found Ron eventually, and smoked a bowl with him before I went to go see John Doe at the Dame, in my ignorance I though he was a band..He was just another DJ. I did get to see the last 10 minutes of Goose Creek Symphony, the band I should have paid 15 bucks to see the whole show. I stayed at the Dame for almost an hour, not being impressed with John Doe, but liking the white people dancing. Then I went back to 141 to talk to Ron, who had finished their set. I had imbibed on about three Fuzzy Navels and a bowl of homegrown. I was feeling no pain. I was trying to talk to Ron, and he wasn't that responsive, even pulling away from me when I touched his leg accidentally. Oh well. I went home at 1 am. The started talking to Keith online, a guy I was interested in. We set up a date for today, and he stood me up.
Sigh. So for the experiment on making my social life spin..It was a failure.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Thinking Quote alert!!!

All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force… We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent Mind. This Mind is the matrix of all matter.
~ Max Planck, Nobel Prize-winning Father of Quantum Theory

If I could take all your words away and give you but a sparse few, they would be: ‘I now know, I am absolute, I am complete, I am God, I am.’ If there were no other words but these, you would no longer be limited to this plane.
~ Ramtha

The truth dazzles gradually, or else the world would be blind.
~ Emily Dickinson

Although each of us obviously inhabits a separate physical body, the laboratory data from a hundred years of parapsychology research strongly indicate that there is no separation in consciousness.
~ Russell Targ

Not only does God play dice, but... he sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
~ Stephen W. Hawking

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity...and I'm not sure about the universe.
~ Albert Einstein

When a man undertakes to create something, he establishes a new heaven, as it were, and from it the work that he desires to create flows into him... For such is the immensity of man that he is greater than heaven and earth.
~ Philipus Aureolus Paracelsus

The movie of a lifetime

First, a definition that needs to be stated:
Epiphany:1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery b : a revealing scene or moment (

I haven't had an epiphany in a long time. I consider such a thing as a moment when all cylinders of the mind, soul, and universe fire at once. It is a moment where your whole life is turned upside down, which is where it is supposed to be in the first place. Stagnation melts away; infinite doors open. A new life beckons. I can only truly say this has happened three time in my life. The first was when I was 18 and learned what a witch really was. The second was when my husband took his last breath. The third was tonight. With a move, simple though it sounds. I had hear good reviews of " What the Bleep do We know". A movie about Quantum mechanics and metaphysics probably would not blow the skirt up of many people, but this movie is making waves. It came to the Kentucky Theatre, so I went to check it out. The opening scene stopped my breath. There was Portland Oregon. The Goose Hollow light rail stop, right before the tunnel to the zoo. My old neighborhood. The last normal, happy place in my marriage. There was my dentist office, right beside the little bar we went to. I know that city like the back of my hand. It proceeded to have the following first few scenes in every single place John and I had ever cherished. It was too big a coincidence. This movie had a message for me, with a sledgehammer's delicacy.
The premise is that a photographer, Amanda (Marlee Matlin), going though a existential funk from hell. She caught her husband fucking a chick he was flirting with at their wedding. She was unhappy in her career, and is popping anti ainxiety pills like M&Ms. Then things start to happen. She starts having what most people consider hallucinations. These visions turn her view of her reality upside down. Interspersed with her story, there are talks from several famous scientists and theologians of different faiths. This is part movie, part documentary.
The theory behind her visions is not easy to grasp in whole chunks. The message is that reality is not reality. The human mind in its infiniteness can change the reality around it. The body is affected by the pure power of the mind. Nothing is solid, nothing is finite. The concept of deity cannot be held by mere religion, it transcends it.
Now before you roll your eyes, listen. These people speaking aren't quacks: they are the preeminent scientists and thinkers of our time. At first, Amanda fights the visions. The she realizes that she has to learn, and opens up. A little boy in the movie, Reggie, asks her an important question, "How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?" I am still falling.
This movie fell into my lap at a critical juncture. I am off my antidepressants, nothing. I am dissatisfied with my life. The message I got from this movie was clear: reality is what you make it, and only you are totally responsible for making reality suit you. I am going to stay off my meds for a while to test this theory. I am asking myself so many questions. Is the reason why I'm not at my potential because I have been medicated too long? Have I been living in fear of how infinite the choices are, and too afraid to open my eyes? My head is spinning from all the possibilities, all the things I could do.
Please, all who read this: GO SEE THIS MOVIE. It will change your life.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Life in S>L>O>W motion.

I feel like I'm moving in 78 rpm instead of 45 rpm (for all those not old enough to know what I'm talking about..Record speeds on a turntable). The Effexor has made its way into my bloodstream and I'm working in two modes..slow and stop. I'm at home today from work since I can barely stand from the fatigue. I call my useless internal medicine doctor and she says stop the Effexor and talk to my psychiatrist. Here is the rub: I can't afford a shrink. University of Kentucky medical insurance does not pay full price for psychiatric, just 50%. This doesn't help me a damn bit, since a shrink costs about 350$ an hour. So, I've been winging it with the antidepressants. My only choice seems to be going off the Effexor and back to the Wellbutrin, hoping a week is long enough to make it work normally. Notice I am not holding my breath.
The apartment is a mess, so I am making myself move to try to shake the lethargy. I washed my dishes, which I consider a major accomplishment. I might add I am no Martha Stewart when it comes to home keeping. I am famous for my clutter. I consider myself a champion breeder of show dust bunnies. The Effexor is working fine if the fatigue wasn't there. Sex is not a problem..Had sex the other night and had an orgasm just fine (actually a really good one but I digress..). I wish science and society would catch up to the reality of mental illness. Does the world think I want to be on meds my whole life to function? It pisses me off that society still has this stigma against something that's just another illness. So I will wander around the apartment today like a freaking zombie trying to figure out what the hell to do.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Who let the rednecks

A silent message went out amongst the mountains and plains of Kentucky. A great gathering was to be held in Lexington, and all of their kind were to assemble in festivity and beer. Kid Rock was coming to town, the redneck Messiah, and every holler in East Kentucky emptied out to come see him.
Yeah, I was there too. I call it communing with my inner redneck, the same feeling I get when I watch NASCAR and hear Lynard Skynard. I grew up amongst hicks, and even though I don't like to be grouped with them, I still understand them. They are my people. So, I was there last night in my filmy black short dress and sandals, ready to go. I got to the civic center and I was surrounded by biker chick wannabes in faded denim and tank tops. They were checking for weapons at the door, but not cigarettes (Lexington has a smoking ban), and security spent the rest of the show telling people to put the smokes out. Hemigod, a Detroit unit, opened up. They were nothing ground breaking, but they were soundly schooled in old blues rock. They did a cover of "War Pigs" by Black Sabbath that rocked.
Then the Kid came out with the Twisted Brown Trucker band. And for a skinny white boy from Michigan, he delivered the goods. He mixed riffs and sections from old classics, from Lynard Skynard to Alman Brothers, even the Dukes of Hazard theme into his original songs. There were 4 strippers, two on each side of the stage, adding something else for the guys to look at. The show was reminiscent of old 70's and 80's blowouts with lights and fireworks. There was a section where they used flaming gas torches where you could actually feel the flashes of heat.
The best part was where the Kid took turns plating all the instruments, including the turntable. The show was a success: Kid Rock was playing to his kind of crowd, and his disciples loved him.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

A strange influence rediscovered.

At the aforementioned gathering, I got to get reacquainted with the biggest influence of my formidable teen years. Ivan was my uncle by marriage, married to my aunt Jeanie for well over 15 years before they divorced. He is only 11 years older than I. When my father decided to bail, and the rest of my mother's family decided to treat me like an emotional kicking post, Ivan and Jeanie were the only ones who tried to shelter and protect me. More so Ivan, he was the great guide. In more ways than one. Ivan had three great passions: sex, drugs, and music. The sexual aspect was not the vanilla kind either. He liked porn, and thought sexuality was to be explored openly with no shame, no matter what you were into. He was also the county connection for pot. He smoked my first joint with me, goddess knows how old I was. As for music, Alice Cooper, David Bowie, Pink Floyd, and Black Sabbath was what he introduced me to. Did he make sexual advances toward me? Sure he did, starting at about 13ish. However, there was no shame implied when he touched me. It was not so much him trying to take advantage. It was more like he understood the curiosity teenage girls felt, and was offering me a safe place to explore it. I never accepted his offers. It felt like I would have ceased to be his special, favorite one if I had. He talked to me about all the things he had done, and answered every possible question I with candor and humor. I never felt any shame with him. He and Jeanie were in an open relationship their whole marriage, so my relationship with him never felt wrong. I was no one's favorite but theirs, in a family where being the favorite was a survival tool.
Years later, in my early 20's, Jeanie decided she wanted a child. He didn't, and told her that if she got pregnant, the marriage was over. She didn't and it was. I saw less and less of him from that point on. It annoyed me that he wanted to be a "father" figure to me, but not to his own flesh and blood. He moved in with another woman as sexually freaky as he was, and they are still together. They had a son of their own. He started down a path of stronger drugs and stranger, cruder sexual tastes. I was trying to be an adult. Ivan never met John to my knowledge, and probably would have been shocked to know I lost my virginity at 24, to the man I married. As a widow and a single woman, the lessons I learned from Ivan about sexual independence and shamelessness have indeed carried me through some tough times relearning how to relate to my own sexuality. I will always be grateful to him for that.
I saw Ivan for the first time in about 5 years at the funeral. He was looking every second of his 44 years. I was getting complements on how I had not aged. I saw him across the room and he started at seeing me. I jumped at seeing him as well. I walked over and he did what he always did: motioned for me to sit on his knee. He looked at his wife and said," I was hoping to see my baby and here she is." For one more time I was the favorite. It soothed so much pain from Angel's death for me to hear him say that. We talked for several hours about what we had done with our lives. He hadn't even known about John's death; I didn't know he had fathered another child. It was an oasis in a stormy time, and I am so grateful.


The funeral is over finally. I am grateful. Normally I tell you details of my adventures, but this one would hurt to much to share a direct hit with you. It is too soon, too raw. I will say this: I now understand the story of sleeping beauty. Angel looked like the teenage princess she was becoming. Tall, with wild dark brown hair and ice blue eyes that were the very example of what the color should look like. Her grandfather's eyes: neither of her parents eyes were blue. The fact that they were closed forever was the closest thing to a travesty I will probably ever come. You could see the disability still. Her left hand was still bent at an awkward angle. She never could lie straight, so she was placed in her coffin lying on her back with her legs folded to the side. Despite that, she was beautiful. Her parents often worried about that, about how they could protect her. She was helpless in a wheelchair, and yet she was stunning. The fact that she was not alive, never able to achieve all that promise, eats at me even now.
And the aggravation of the service is almost beyond description. The United Baptist service the night before was an insult. How any preacher could sand beside her coffin and preach about sin and hellfire was beyond me. She had never experienced the former, so she would never see the latter. All the preacher did was tell us all we were going to burn if we didn't use her death as a warning. The only warning I got from it was not to snore, horse laugh, and snarl in disgust all at once, and too noticeably. The actual funeral service was much better. Yes, there was the usual Christian propaganda, but it was humanely short. The service actually reflected her personality, who she was. A former teacher of hers shared how Angel was in the first class she ever taught after she graduated from college later in life. And, after teaching her a year, Angel inspired her to specialize in teaching special education for the rest of her career. That was what truly needed to be said, how Angel had influenced us all. I went to her casket to say goodbye, slipped off my pinky garnet ring and placed it in her hand for the journey. And all I could do was walk away.
An aside now. To give credit where it was due, my extended family actually behaved like adults. I was both astounded and relieved. Usually, this bunch use family gatherings to pretty much try to slash each other to emotional (and sometimes physical) ribbons. They may not have talked to one another, but at least they didn't fight. Kudos.

Saturday, September 25, 2004


I just got back from seeing the latest John Water's flick A Dirty Shame. If you are prudish, please do us all a favor and either see this movie to be cured, or do not read further. The fact that a John Water's flick got a NC17 rating surprised me, until tonight. This is Water's raunchiest, filthiest, funniest movie in years people. It tells the story of Sylvia (Tracy Ullman), a completely frigid housewife in Baltimore (its a Water's flick..Go figure on Baltimore). She gets a head injury from a passing lawn mower handle and her life changes for the horny better. Basically she goes completely horn dog beserk. This movie is no where near subtle, and the concept of innuendo does not exist. The imagery is blantant and obvious, genital trees and all. That said, this movie was hilarious. If you are a fan of movies such as Porky's or Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, this is your movie. John Water's casting is always central to the success of his pictures; sometimes its downright bizarre. Chris Isaak plays Vaughn, Sylvia's long suffering husband. Selma Blair is Caprice, or otherwise known as Ursula Udders ( if you have seen any adds for this movie you will understand), their daughter under house arrest for public indecency. Finally, Johnny Knoxville, of Jackass fame, as Ray Ray, the mechanic/leader of the sex addicts of the neighborhood. The cameos are what Water's is best known for, look for David Hasselhoff, Ricky Lake, and Patricia Hearst. Hearst has been in 5 of Water's films now, and she gets stranger in each additional one. The Baltimore neighborhood of Hartford Road is a real neighborhood, and used for the first time in a Water's flick. John Water's does so much research for his films: all the fetishes the sex addicts have really do exist. My favorite was the Bears (large hairy sub culture for gay men for those who don't know).
What I think made this movie great is not only the over the top sex. John Water's is fearless. For him to make this kind of movie in today's political climate takes balls. The audience was still laughing as the credits rolled. If that doesn't testify to the humor of a movie I don't know what will. It is currently showing at the Kentucky Theatre in Lexington, KY. Get the courage up to go see it..I dare you.