Thursday, July 28, 2005


Ok my life is now been broken down into a series of "what do to now" lists. Here is the breakdown:
* Attempt to make a living at a 8-4:30 job at a university, failing miserably at it.
*Atempt to augment living with being an escort, but it is a slow spell.
* Attempt to augment living working for Mr B, but its sporadic.

* Attempt to run a swing club with limited resources (see above) while owner VERY SLOWLY recuperates from illness.
* Attempt to paint every blue moon.
* Attempt to keep a incredibly fulfilling relationship going despite distance and time constraints (luckily this one is working better than the rest).


*Attempt to avoid nervous breakdown....
*Attempt to avoid nervous breakdown....
*Oh did I mention I'm trying not to lose it?

It explains the existential funk I'm trying to stave off right now, just the hint of depression in the air. I had an interview with another department today and it went well, but wont be much more money. I wont be attending SCAD, and have no prospects in the future of doing so, unless I learn the ancient art of shitting 100$ bills. I have another business opportunity I'm checking into, but its vague as of right now. Do I have any creative outlets going right now? Besides my clandestine affair with a 16 year old (Harry Potter) and this blog, I have nil. I cant paint, it just makes me cry. my sewing has hit nothing. I'm just got my feet stuck in the knee deep mud you call life and I cant pull myself out, and the one person who could help me yank myself out is too far away to reach, with no fault of his own. Sigh...

Monday, July 25, 2005

The spell is broken..and its a good thing

I know it has been a long while since I have posted. This summer has been hot and hectic and monumental.
My pentacle broke away Saturday night. Ok a down and dirty lesson in magical items: they have a power all their own. When the reason for them being there is gone, they too will move on. When the chain breaks, the pentacle no longer wants to be worn. My husband's pentacle ( a pentacle is a 5 pointed star within a circle, one point up, worn around the neck, normally made out of sterling silver), which was hanging on his bed rail, disappeared 2 days before he died. It was the ultimate sign of his oncoming death. Thus, when he did draw his last breaths, my pentacle was on his heart to feel it's last beat. That pentacle has been around my neck for 6 years, only being removed for the most dire of reasons. It held John's essence, and his protection. It was the last remaining thing from that previous life I still actively wore. On Saturday afternoon, the chain snapped and fell beside me on the bed.
I cried for an hour, out of so many emotions: grief, fear, and loss mixed with unfathomable joy and renewal. John's pentacle, the one he had custom made for me, had decided it's purpose was done. All the lessons that needed to be learned from his life and death have been completed. I can now remarry and have children with absolutely no remorse. This means I get a new pentacle to represent the new life before me, purchased by the man who will be the biggest part of my life in the next stage. I didn't have to explain any of this to Daniel, he was overjoyed when I told him and he knew exactly what he needed to do. This new pentacle will be more important to me than an engagement ring, because even though Daniel is a Christian now, he knows its meaning and importance behind the pentacle and respects it.
I will still miss the man that pentacle represented, and the life I had and could have had. But the new life and the future is what's important.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

A pop quiz kinda LYRICS ALERT

Here's a bit of a challenge: Tell me the name of this song, you get a bronze star. Tell me the band, and you get a sliver star. You translate it into English, and you not only get a gold star, you get my neverending admiration.

Ecce Mundi Gaudium
Ecce Salus Gentium
Virgo Parit Filium
Sine Violentia

Ave Virgo Regia
Dei Plena Gracia

Natus est de Virgine
Sine viri semine
Qui mundat a crimine
Rex qui regit omnia

Ave Virgo Regia
Dei Plena Gracia

Angelus pastoribus
Natus est in gentibus
Qui dat pacem omnibus
Sua provedentia

Ave Virgo Regia
Dei Plena Gracia

Regestria premia
Offerentis varia
Stella ducit previa
Ad salutis gaudia

Ave Virgo Regia
Dei Plena Gracia

Cumnul scira potuit
De nato rex fremuit
E tota gens tremuit
Christi natalitia

Ave Virgo Regia
Dei Plena Gracia

Cum mori per gladios
Rachel videt proprios
Mesta plorat filios
Nulla sont solatia

Tag..I'm Memed

Ok Kelly (dilettantes diary has challenged me to name the top 10 historical events I would like to have witnessed. Hmmm, this could be fun.
In no particular order

* liked to have witnessed the first time humans witnessed fire, just to see the look on their faces.
* liked to been witness to the Salem Witch trials, to see madness in action.

* liked to have met the Marquis de Sade when he was in prison, just to see his mind work, or not in this instance.

*liked to have been at The Algonquin hotel in the 1930's to sit at the Round Table and talk shit with Dorothy Parker

* liked to have been a studio assistant to Michelangelo during the painting of the Sistine Chapel

* liked to have been at the first performance of Ravel's Bolero in 1928 Paris

* liked to have at in Marc Chagall's studio for an afternoon watching him paint love on a canvas

* Liked to have been in the streets of New York on VJ Day in 1945, kissing sailors.

*liked to have been shivering in the crowds at Gettysburg listening to Mr. Lincoln's Address, 1863.

* Liked to have played in the mud with a certain 20 year old at Woodstock, who would later become my husband.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Birthday Song..LYRICS ALERT


You say it’s your birthday.
It’s my birthday too – yeah.
They say it’s your birthday.
We’re gonna have a good time.
I’m glad it’s your birthday
Happy birthday to you.
Yes we’re going to party party
Yes we’re going to party party
Yes we’re going to party party.
I would like you to dance – Birthday
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance – Birthday
I would like you to dance – Birthday dance
You say it’s your birthday.
It’s my birthday too – yeah.
You say it’s your birthday.
We’re gonna have a good time.
I’m glad it’s your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

I'm 34 today....big fucking deal...

Today I am 34 years old, or I will be at 5:30pm today. I am depressed, as usual on my birthday. I have lived this long and have accomplished nothing. I can't go to school. Daniel is 3 hrs away and wont be here today to be with me, from no fault of his own. I'll be running my own goddamn birthday party. I probably will get laid, so it won't be a total loss.
I just wish I could shed the skin of this life, grab Daniel and run away to live our own life together. I could bartend in a tiki bar somewhere. Daniel could run the business. I could paint in the evenings, and we could start having babies......sigh.
No I guess I will remain here and be a whore and be separate from him, for a while longer.