Sunday, October 31, 2004

Rewards: Z as sex goddess?

I went to the first party I've been to in along while last night. I was treated like I was beautiful, intelligent and seductive. I actually believed it. I am sitting at home now with an afterglow. Many firsts last night: first time naked in front of 7 people of mixed genders in a hot tub. I had my first threesome, mFF, and it was very very cool. And I fufilled a mans fantasy this morning, on tape. I really haven't felt this sexy, well, ever.
This whole weight loss thing has me topsy turvy. I really don't know who the hell I am anymore, especially when I'm out of my normal social circle. People I see everyday do not react like these people at the party did. lol familiarity breeds boredom. My confidence is much better. I always envied these women who seemed irresistible to men. I have never ever been that way. If its going this well now...Wonder what will happen when I hit 150?

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Running for cover

Ok, so there weren't any major acts of the almighty during the Red Sox win, the win was enough. Speaking of unlikely people feeling like a champion, I finally did a 5-1-5 today. To define, I ran 5 minutes/1 minute walk/ran 5 minutes. 5 minute warm up walk/5 minute cool down walk. Before I hear any crap from a marathoner who just stumbled over this, listen: this time last year I was 300 pounds. I was always out of breath, even though I walked everywhere. Now I'm roughly 200. 5/1/5 means I'm at the point where I will be running more than I walk. This goal has been with me since I met Scott in 1991. He was about 5'8, 135, and the first marathoner I had ever met. I thought he was a lunatic. Then I saw him eat...And eat...And eat. He consumed, we counted, 10,000 calories a day. That was what convinced me. And yet, through, the years I never found the courage, till now, to try. I saw what the human body could endure through John. Now I look down at my legs and see calf muscles. I can run up Rose St. Hill from High to Maxwell with no stopping. I can climb stairs, I can wear a size I haven't worn in 17 years. I had a 19 yr old tell me I looked 24 the other day to my face, seriously. I feel beautiful and sexy. Getting rid of the rest of it will be the challenge, but I'm up to it. I can see myself doing a marathon. I can see me wearing a size 6 ( my sick goal). These things are close for me. It feel damn good.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Incompetence...I feel so loved.

Today was my first day at work since vacation. I found my office cubby hole totally changed around, and the one duty that I loved, dissertation checking for format, has been taken away. I am now a glorified secretary. Now I'm being told by Dan and other friends that this is a good thing-less stress, less headache. So why do I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach? Did I get off on the stress? It's like, I feel like I am not competent. Just because of my depression, I cannot do what I used to....Or is that the depression talking? I just want to paint for a living, then I could work alone and not deal with the pressures of coworkers and the shit that comes with it. I am trying to get another job at UK though. I think it is time to move on. I don't feel useful there.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Legends go quickly

John Peel

The man who was responsible for promoting most of the best in English rock is gone. John Peel died yesterday at the age of 65. Now, most of America do not know of him unless you are a hard core obscure band buff like I am. This man is single handedly responsible for music from David Bowie, the whole damn Punk movement, and of course the newest hottest music on the scene now. Peel was the longest running DJ at BBC radio, and played demo tapes of nobody bands that exploded later. He was the cutting edge of music. I wish to the Goddess that we had DJS here in America that had the balls to play the obscure bands, the unheard of talent.
He will be missed by all of us true music fans.

LOL he's a freak but I like his style

I just read the Hunter S. Thompson article in Rolling Stone. Fear and Loathing, Campaign 2004, Dr. Thompson pulls no punches, he never did. He calls a spade a spade, or rather, "Bush is a natural-born loser with a filthy-rich daddy who pimped his son out to rich oil-mongers. He hates music, football and sex, in no particular order, and he is no fun at all." Thompson rails against the Bush Machine with all the vitriol he's famous for. This article actually makes me glad he didn't turn his brain to mush in the Sixties after all, though that point can be argued against. This article is furious and funny and too timely..A must read.

The beginning of Samhain week..The year in review..

First, I would like to define Samhain for those not of the faith. Samhain (pronounced Sowain) is the beginning of the wheel of the year for those in the pagan and witch communities. Happy new year to us! It is a time where we remember those who have gone on, and what we want to accomplish in the new year. This is considered the most sacred day in the pagan and witch year. Since joy is supposed to be tied in with all our holidays, I think Halloween is a hoot. It is my favorite time of the year. I especially get a kick out of all the people who dress as witches, seeing their faces when I tell them I'm a real one. I revel in all the good scary stuff on TV, especially witch documentaries. Its out one chance to dispel the misinformation about our faith. The cream of the witch crop get out and try their best with the time they have to make people understand we don't eat Christian babies. To Laurie Cabot, Selena Fox, Silver RavenWolf, Starhawk (my girl!!) Phyllis Corot, I salute you sisters...Blessed BE!!!!
Last year at this time I was 100 lbs heavier, in a dead end section of U of KY, and not back in school. I asked for all three to be changed, I got all three done. The Mother blessed me and I am grateful, so grateful. The love life section wasn't the hottest, but hey. I was happy with Dan for a while, till the old patterns resurfaced. So, I must come up with three things I want for next year...hmmmmm.

ONE: To make huge progress in my art. I want to be working on and close to being ready for a gallery show by this time next year with my paintings. I want to be approaching the ability to support myself with my art.

TWO: To get the rest of the weight off. I am between 200 and 228 (which ever doctors office scale you believe), I claim 200. I want to be 130. 70 lbs to go. I want to be training for something larger than a 5k, either a 10k or even a half marathon. I want to be healthy, and damnit, look really hot. I'm craven enough to admit it.

THREE: The third choice is usually something whimsical or simply out of reach in my view. Last year it was getting back to school. This year I am asking for something I consider insane. I want to find and meet jack. I want to find out the truth about what he is exactly. Is he an astral projection of a real person that he looks like, or is he a spirit using an appearance of someone I am insane about to help me without freaking me out. I want to find out once and for all, meeting the real person and seeing if he is aware of all this ( or he will send me to jail or a mental hospital LOL if he's freaked enough).

That is my manifesto for the upcoming year. Let's see if it works.

Monday, October 25, 2004

The difference is already felt.

Ok I've been back on the wellbutrin for 3 days now. Sweet Merciful Goddess, the difference is felt. I have had more stamina in my running. I have had so much energy. Sleep is not there quite yet but it will be. So, the conclusion I have come to is that Wellbutrin, until something better is made, is my permanent friend. I am the best functioning person I can be on it, and if it wears down again, I just go off and on it, again. It is the best I can do. And that annoys me, but hey at this point I'm not proud. I just want to live.

Lyrics alert

by Carbon Leaf

Chase the higher ground – where you’d rather be
Where you might be found
Face all aglow, to leave from here
To pack up and go
But it takes some time to get away
And you will have to build from what remains
To run it takes the courage of a lamb
To love, the fierceness of a storm

Paloma you wonder if you’ll miss the thunder
And everyone’s staring, but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch on to the breeze
Just take the leap…and you’re free

Chase the higher ground – where you’d rather be
Where you might be found
This move may erase the troubles in your head
Or expose the absence of your soul
And so, it takes some time to get away
And you will have to tear down what remains
And I can’t stand by for goodbyes
So hold on to me, or lead the way
Paloma you wonder if you’ll miss the thunder
And everyone’s staring but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch on to the breeze
Just take the leap…and you’re free

Pace yourself when outrunning fear
Take cover when it’s dark
And keep an even keel
In your would you’re only a phone away
But in my world you’re too far to feel
And it may take some time to learn what’s real
And you may have to beg and borrow
And you will surely steal
Remember all those lonely lessons
Turned into yesterday’s lessons
To never forget love. To never forget love

Paloma you wonder if you’ll miss the thunder
And everyone’s staring but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch on to the breeze
Just take the leap…and you’re free

Paloma you cry out you beg for connection
The dreams you seek are straight ahead in every direction
Now you’re free
Now that you’re free
Now that you’re free
You’re free

Today I watched the greatest thing of all
A flock of birds, preparing for the Fall

I might know the answer to my problem...

I had a realization just now, not an epiphany exactly, but a possible reason for my problems. During my married life I moved 4 times, big moves. These kind of moves involved selling all our stiff except three bags each and going. This happened approximately every two years. It has now been two years since I moved back here with John. Thus, maybe it is time for a move. The question is first, where? I have lived all over the place just about. There are a few places Id like to try. New Orleans would be wonderful. Taos, New Mexico is another consideration, beautiful and spiritual.
There are criteria for this move. The place has to be spiritual in some way. It has to be big enough for nightlife. It has to have a thriving arts scene. Detroit fills two of the requirements..Spiritual is debatable. Warm it is not either, and that's another consideration. I thought about Key West or Savannah again..That's also an idea. Whether I would be happy there, since I have a history there, is a question. But, they would be different cities now. This will be my big ponderance the next little while.

Hmm...On Love

I was thinking about love tonight...I'm doing a pastel work on love entitled "Let Us Be Lovers". In the middle of being covered in red pastel I started thinking about what it would take for me to love again. I'm not talking about sex and fondness, I'm talking about full blown, all out Love. The kind of love that makes you abandon every fear you have an trust the other. The kind of love that people die over. The great muse of all art. This would be the kind of love I would have a child for. I got very sad and just quit the drawing for the night to think hard, since I was so disturbed by the thought. I wasn't passionately in love with John when we married. In fact, I worried hard for the first two years about whether I loved him enough to continue the marriage. I grew up a lot those first two years. I realized that I had a man who loved me no matter what the hell happened. This guy thought I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. And, the most important part of all, I never lost a wink of sleep about him cheating on me, ever. He had lost two marriages to infidelity (they, not him). The next three years of our marriage I was in love, the big L kind of love. When he quit breathing in my arms, I loved him so passionately it was unreal.
Is that the way its supposed to be? Just get married to a guy you are fond of, then hope for the best? I have been head over heels in love, before and after my marriage. The free falling, all or nothing kind that ended up more nothing than all. I have had lovers that made me feel alive in bed who had the personality of a work boot outside the sheets. What I don't get is why it has to be one way or the other? Or, why is it working out that way for me so far? I mean I can't really complain about my life. I like my own company, and enjoy it. My space is mine, and I am very skittish about living with someone EVER again. I can do as I please, when I please, how I please. And yet....Is this my biological clock screaming? I'm 33, and time is not on my side anymore. I have felt this gigantic urge to kick myself in the ass and DO SOMETHING with this life. I want to be an artist, I want to be in love with a man I didn't have to settle for, I want to be famous (LMAO). I want, want, want......I need to figure out what I need to do to live and love exactly on my terms. Will I have to move, quit my job, do something drastic to be what I want to be, and who I want to be with? Will passionate, do-stupid-things Love ever come back my way?
Sigh...I am no closer to finishing my painting. Love is still the BIG MYSTERY, and always will be. And I will never be satisfied.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Speaking of Coincidences

Speaking of strange goings on, I had a few coincidences of my own today. Went window shopping on Woodland today, with my cross stitch ( I thought there was a embroidery store in the Woodland corridor, I don't know why.). On the way up I saw Fred. Fred is a local musician, and former coworker of mine that I drove nuts during my grieving period (poor guy). I waved and walked on-he doesn't talk much with me anymore, for good reason (lol). Then, I headed to Common Grounds, the local coffee kasbah. I found out by going there last weekend for the first time in ages that the hot artsy guys congregate there. Thus, I sat my happy ass down with my Plantation blend cuppa joe and my Witchy pic to finish up. People watched a bit as I sat there, seeing plenty of the sexy deep artistic looking men I'm apt to lust over. Took note I needed to go back on Sunday, and loaded back to the Cave ( my attic apartment, henceforth known as...) in the rain. I saw a flyer for a political get together at Mecca from 6-9pm, so after being counselor for my friend Todd on the phone, I sauntered out, in the rain.
Got to Mecca at 7:00 ish. Who should be working the door but a guy I saw at Grounds earlier. I remembered him because he had the nerve to go to this flimsy looking little blonde thing in front of me, sit down and commence flirting. I was amused and impressed at his audacity. Went though the liberal political carnival, playing such games as Bust the war balloon, find the bullshit darts and putting toy soldiers into a put-put golf Iraq..You get the picture. Left about 8 after winning some nifty anti Bush stuff for the Office. I decided to head down main street to see if the Lexington Arts Center was still open. Since Alfalfa's has gotten there it has had plenty of business. I got there, marveled and ate my heart out at all the paintings there that weren't mine, and talked to Lexie, who I used to be in a Sculpture class with. As I was heading out the door, and getting ready to Jwalk across to Phoenix park, I heard some guy shout HEY. I swung around to see one of the patron's answering his cell, then I glanced behind him. Sure enough, there stood Fred, smoking. Apparently he had a gig at Alfalfa's tonight, he plays there a lot.
So, I head home in a wet and pensive mood. I saw two guys at two different places, one I know well, one was a stranger. Since seeing I Heart Huckabees I've been pondering coincidences. Is it just a quirk that I see Fred twice in one day? He does live half a block away from my house and I rarely see him. That at one places I see a guy and kinds wistfully wished he was coming on to me, then get to talk to him a little longer somewhere else? Does this mean I just crazy, which is entirely possible. The cranky, pessimistic side thinks that the Lexington arts scene is just way too damn small and I am apt to see people over and over. But this is the first time I have ever seen two people twice in one day by accident. Sigh...Am I so desperate for magic that I'm looking for it where its not? Or should I just quit de boning it, take another puff off the happy hay, and trust My Lady Goddess Hecate's will? Hmm choice two looks like a plan.....

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Movie night .."I Heart Huckabees"

LOL I thought that What the Bleep would be the end of my mind bending movie experiences. Then, I went out and saw I Heart Hucakbees last night: similar theme, much easier to grasp, and really funny. The premise is this: Albert (Jason Schwartzman) sees this tall black kid in a picture store, once again as the doorman at a building, and in a car going past him. He freaks out about the coincidence of it, and goes to a pair of "Existential Detectives" ( played brilliantly by a very gracefully aging Lilly Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman) to figure it out. Of course chaos when the pair starts delving into his life, every part of it, including watching his every move. This digs up Albert's complicated life: He is the head of a save the green space coalition that has brought in a "friend" ( the kind that makes you appreciate your enemies) Brad ( Jude Law). Brad is an executive for Huckabee's, a Walmart like store chain, and there to supposedly help Albert with fundraising for the coalition. As the movie progresses, Brad comes to the detectives to try to make Albert look bad. Add in Brad's girlfriend Dawn ( Naomi Watts), who gets pulled into the investigation with life problems of her own, and things get uglier. Albert gets teamed up with a life buddy, Tommy ( Mark Wahlburg) a fire fighter who is having a existential crisis. Tommy leads him to the Detectives arch rival, Catherine (Isabelle Huppert), who approach to Albert's predicament is a polar opposite of the Dectectives. The Detectives point it that the world and everything in it is connected, and Albert's problem is tied to Brad. Catherine's approach is that life sucks, nothing is connected and you deal with it ( very Sartre). Meanwhile, everybody's life spins out of control till the end, when Albert realizes that Brad and he are kindred spirits in misery, and that both the Detectives and Catherine were right. This is an ensemble cast, which normally doesn't give any of the starts enough exposure, but I liked the balance of the movie. Mark Wahlberg makes this movie, as a good hearted yet troubled( after the "September Incident" as Lilly Tomlin's character Vivian remarks) fire fighter that turns into the real friend Albert didn't have in Brad. Also, Naomi Watts is hilarious as the model who has appearance issues and regresses to dressing in overalls and a bonnet (think Little House on the prairie) to deal with them, losing her spokesmodel job with Huckabee's.
It's a good thing these kinds of dectectives don't exist in real life, they would be overran with business. I found it hilarious that, as someone suffering through my own existential funk, a movie finally was made to tackle the Why-the-Hell-am-I-Here question in a funny way. I enjoyed it.

I Heart Huckabee's now showing at the Kentucky Theatre.

I told you so.....

Yep, I just saw on Yahoo a few minutes ago...There is set to be a lunar eclipse during game 4 of the World Series. Seeing that Fenway Park hasn't seen a world series game since 1903, my theory of hell freezing over is coming closer. I'm expecting raining frogs tonight, ala "Magnolia". "There is a 50 minute raining Frog delay for the game this evening, thank you for your patience." So should we expect fire and brimstone? Beer to start to turn to blood on game three? How much cosmic chaos could this cause?

Friday, October 22, 2004

The BIG Message

This is the one section of What the Bleep Do We Know that warped my its entirety.
I Create My Day

"The most often referenced interview in the film is Dr. Joe Dispenza's comments on creating his day. In response to the numerous requests, the following is the transcript of that part of the interview.

'I wake up in the morning, and I consciously create my day the way I want it to happen. Now, sometimes, because my mind is examining all the things that I need to get done, it takes me a little bit to settle down, and get to the point, of where I'm actually intentionally creating my day. But here's the thing. When I create my day, and out of nowhere, little things happen that are so unexplainable, I know that they are the process or the result of my creation. And the more I do that, the more I build a neural net, in my brain, that I accept that that's possible. Gives me the power and the incentive to do it the next day. So, if we're consciously designing our destiny, if we're consciously, from a spiritual standpoint, throwing in what the idea that our thoughts can affect our reality or affect our life, because reality equals life. Then, I have this little pact that I have when I create my day.

"I say, I'm taking this time to create my day, and I'm infecting the Quantum Field. Now, if it is in fact, the observer's watching me the whole time that I'm doing this, and there is a spiritual aspect to myself. Then, show me a sign today, that you paid attention to any one of these things that I created, and bring them in a way that I won't expect. So, I'm as surprised as the- as the- at my ability to be able to experience these things, and make it so that I have no doubt that its come from you. And so, I live my life, in a sense, all day long, thinking about being a genius, or thinking about being the glory and the power of God, or thinking about being Unconditional Love. I'll use living as a genius, for example. And as I do that, during parts of the day, I'll have thoughts that are so amazing, that cause a chill in my physical body, that have come from nowhere. But then, I remember that that thought has an associated energy, that's produced an effect in my physical body. Now, that's a subjective experience, but the truth is is that I don't think that unless I was creating my day to have unlimited thought, that that thought would come.'"

(Dr. Joe Dispenza in “What the #$BLEEP*! Do We Know!?”)

Thursday, October 21, 2004

My social calendar for next 2 months..Music wise

These are the places that I will be the next two months on my calendar, come hell or high water (probably both, see earlier post).
--10/29/04 Cross Canadian Ragweed, The Dame Lexington, KY--
A good blues country band getting airplay on CMT.

--11/08/04 Clumsy Lovers, The Dame Lexington, KY
Are they bluegrass? Celtic?Mutant? Who knows, who cares..They kick ass and are back for their third tour of duty in Lex.

--11/22/04 Gaelic Storm, (at Woodsongs Old Time Radio Hour ) The Kentucky Theatre, Lexington, KY,
A fun Celtic band on a fun show. Woodsongs is broadcast all over the world on public radio. And if you remember the part in third class in Titanic..You know this band.

--12/03/04 The Reverend Horton Heat, The Dame, Lexington, KY
WOO HOO...The Good Reverend will be back in town. I missed his last show because of the flu in Feb. Honky Tonk psychobilly shit kicking music with a sense of humor sorely lacking in country music.
All show times subject to change, that's why I gave you websites..All except The Dame
This is where Ill be rocking out and being in heaven..Check them out.


I have lived through hurricanes, earthquakes, a few tornadoes. I have seen blue moons, they happen a few times a year. I got to see Haley's comet as a kid. There have been situations where I've seen hell or high water show up. Now I have seen the two final impossibilities left. One: the Boston Red Sox have won the pennant. After 86 years. Miracles never cease. So thus, the last impossibility looms: hell freezing over. And it can't be far, since Boston won. Let's bundle up and wait for the World series.....

Lyrics alert

"LoveYour Way"

I got to keep moving to stay warm 'cause I'm freezing in this room
And if I prove no good here I'll skip to where I should
It's only an imaginary vigil that we keep
You salvage what you need I'll take the love you leave

I love your way
I can't explain
What made me change

I'm wading in deeper ever deeper as I go
I drown the whole idea as I drift away from you
It's only and imaginary vigil that we keep
You salvage what you need I'll take the love you leave

And as the memory gathers dust, buried in its crust
Are the remains of what we've done and the seeds of what we just begun
The tapping of the rain beats a corrugated drum
And the city glow well it pulses on to the city hum
Until the day is done
a very cool aussie band..check them out

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Way too uncommon and interesting medical condition LOL

I was talking to my friend Todd last night, and the discussion of an interesting phenomenon came up. It seems that all the white males over 6'2 that are skinny suffer from the same thing...SKINNY WHITE BOY SYNDROME. The main thing that sets these types of men apart is..Well..An inordinately large member. Now the really tall thin guys I've dated have had this condition, all of them (probably why I tend to end up with them even though I'm 5'4). This was all news to Todd, who incidentally is about 6'5, white, and rail thin. And no, I did not ask for proof, didn't have to. So, to see if this was the rule and not the exception, I got online and IMed some of my female friends. Sure enough, all the skinny tall white guys they have dated tend to be packing heat, in a good way. Here is a caveat: just because they are blessed in size does not necessarily mean they know what to do with it...Use the mental image if a battering ram, and you will get the picture.
So, for all you women who see tall skinny white guys as as awkward, geeky, and not appealing..WAIT! The likelyhood of them having a secret surprise is great..Give them a chance! (this in no way was scientifically proven..But if any women out there want to testify to this syndrome..Email me..)

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Poetry alert...

Glenda, the poet laurete of lexington, wants all us good (lol) writers to post poetry when she does...OK...

I. Please.
At first sight if I told you
I am sorry,
I know I am wrong.

II. Nearby
The best looking guy
I have seen.
Or is that some
beautiful god.
Walking by again,
SMILE! I thought...
at first sight too
I think
before my dream
walks out of my world.

III. Jack
Black and rhythm are
He is symbol, mess,
passion and experiment.
Why say be surreal?
He is free,
Alive eating angels.
Make me deep,
or drunk
in your world.

Ok now what...

Want to hear a catch 22? My insurance pays only 50% of mental health costs, which would end up being 125$ first visit. The I call Comprehensive Care, a local mental health agency. Because I have insurance, they will not scale the fee and I must pay 162$ before I can see a psychiatrist. Here is the rub: my ordinary doctor insists that I get a psychiatrist, because they have run out of meds to give me. I have quit reacting to my favorite medicine, and she wants me to see a specialist. Makes sense. However, if this were a fucking cardiologist, Id be paying 10 bucks. But NO, this is psych and I have to pay everything. I am stuck. If I don't figure out something soon I'm going to self destruct. Depression is just as dangerous as a heart attack untreated. So what the hell am I supposed to do !!!!!!

Monday, October 18, 2004

The great experiment failed....

Well I had a meltdown at work on Friday, then went to a doctor's appointment. The great experiment has failed for right now. So I have to start retaking the meds. I don't feel guilty though. I think I went about it too quickly. I will continue to study quantum mechanics and cognitive theory, just on the safe side of antidepressants. I am now on an enforced vacation being lazy. I have decided to hit the mind over matter manner in a different direction. I am terrorfied of failure. The best way to deal is to put yourself in the spot that makes you scared. I'm going to paint this week and write, as painful as it may be. Just get it done is all I can do.

Political perversion and pleasure...

I have been passed on the sickest funniest political cartoon of this season:
They finally mixed my two favorite things: politics and Rocky Horror Picture show. This is so wrong in so many ways...Delicious..

Friday, October 15, 2004

dropped in mid air

Well it is official. My doctor jerked me from work for 7 days. I am on a mental health vacation. Broke down at work all day. So, I am home until the 26th. Now what? A lot of painting, alot of writing hopefully. The who net week will be a challenge.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


" Solar Plexus Chakra

Also known as: Power Center, Manipura

Location: Solar plexus

Color: Yellow

Parts of the Body: The parts of the body associated with this chakra include the muscular system, the skin as a system, the solar plexus, the large intestine, stomach, liver, and other organs and glands in the region of the solar plexus. Also the eyes, as the organs of sight, and the face, representing figuratively the face one shows the world.

Endocrine Gland: The pancreas

Sense: Eyesight

Consciousness: Parts of the consciousness associated with this chakra include perceptions concerned with power, control, freedom, the ease with which one is able to be themselves - ease of being. Mental activity and the mental body is also associated with this chakra. The solar plexus chakra is also associated with the level of being we call the personality, or ego.

The relationship a person has with fire, or the sun, can be seen to have its parallels in the person’s relationship with the parts of their consciousness that this chakra represents. Someone sensitive about the sun, then, can be seen to have particular sensitivities about power, or control, or freedom.

Element: Fire, the sun. "

--from the website --

It feels like a sick churning in the solar plexus, traveling under your stomach through to your back. Like the muscle is actually twisting your guts into macrame. This feeling is also normally accompanied by heart ache, impotence, anxiety, cold dread fear. All rapped up it makes one state of being: RAGE.

"Pronunciation: 'rAj
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old French, from Late Latin rabia, from Latin rabies rage, madness, from rabere to be mad; akin to Sanskrit rabhas violence
1 a : violent and uncontrolled anger b : a fit of violent wrath c archaic : INSANITY
2 : violent action (as of wind or sea)
3 : an intense feeling : PASSION"

-- Merriam-Webster Online --

LOL an intense feeling, to put it sweetly. And at this precise moment I am positively seething with it. Uncontrollable, inexplicable, implacable. I am being held by it like a steel wire corset. It has been building for days. I am so sick of the work I do, even if it does help people and gives me prestige. I am sick that I had to drop my sculpture class because I have no money, but a prissy job. My apartment looks like hell hit it, and I am too immobilized by strong emotion to deal with it. My senses are being bombarded. I am furious that I cannot deal with all these feelings at once because I have been so heavily medicated in the past few years I have lost my conditioning to deal with them properly..If I even had that ability to begin with. So my experiment with forcing my emotions to my will to change my physiology is not going well. I want another life, I am the one solely resposible for making this happen. When I go to make the first step to do this, I look down to see that my feet are bound. What (or for that matter who) the hell do I have to do to accomplish this? It is boiling down to the one thing I have been avoiding: strong magic.
it is the 13th of the month, on the night of a dark moon. It is time to talk with Hecate. I do not like disturbing the Mother unless the need is great..Now its dire. Hecate is stern but kind, exacting but loving. She will at least hear me.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Cool Lyrics alert

bring me to life

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where i've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become

now that i know what i'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become
bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time i can't believe i couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life


Sunday, October 10, 2004

Forcing my old mind to learn new tricks.

One of the premises of Quantum mechanics and the human mind (from my limited grasp) is that the mind can be reprogrammed to handle emotions differently. The idea is this: the body gets used to feeling certain feelings, and gets addicted to the hormones released when that situation is realized. For example, if one gets used to depression, or aggression, or being a victim, the mind will set up situations so it can feel those emotions and get the high from the hormones released. Now the Quantum theory on this is that you can decide to handle situations differently, to reprogram the body to loose the addiction to the situation, and then replace the negative addiction with the positive. Now this hits some sensitive areas within the mental illness issue. What if the mind is incapable of making that kind of concentrated effort to change its body chemistry? It begs the question: if a person shows signs of mental illness, is it truly an illness or an addiction to the cause/affects of the hormones released? It has taken years to remove the stigma of mental illness from being a personality fault to a legitimate medical condition. Is it reasonable to think someone who is schitzophrenic, or psychotic and actually change their behavior by force of will alone? What if they don't have the capacity to even realize there is anything "wrong" with their behavior? Depression is way different. I know I have been depressed my whole life, and I know that is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. Am I actually addicted to the way I feel when I'm depressed? Sweet Goddess, I really don't see how I could be? I feel miserable as hell. I have trouble functioning sometimes. But I find it intriguing that I could possibly change my life by forcing myself to react differently to everyday stimuli that causes me to feel depressed. Like today for example. I was stood up on a date. I normally would have walked home sobbing and feeling like it was my fault, with a dollop of self loathing I-deserved-it emotions on top of it ( the poor me reaction). I decided differently. I was justifiably pissed, but I didn't cry. I didn't kick the crap out of my own self esteem, I merely decided it wasn't meant to be, and went on. Yes I am disappointed, but it is not going to debilitate me the rest of the day. I have been fighting the feeling of depression though, and that's harder. The feeling of on the verge of tears, anxious and worthless. So far this experiment has been mixed. I have always considered myself a work in progress anyway. Maybe after the next week when the no meds mode stabilizes, I will have a better grasp of this theory.

My Saturday night.

Well, so far the whole experiment with no meds, to explore my true psyche in relation to quantum mechanics, has been mixed. I sat most of yesterday in front of the computer trying to decide what to do last night. I am tired of being alone, and yet I have to force myself to be around people. I found my friend Ron online, who said he was DJing at 141 Club, on of the local gay bars. I figured I go out and see him spin and see the people. I started getting ready at 10, even wore the little black dress that looks better and better on me the more I wear it. I got to 141 at 11ish, after walking around the block to get the courage to go in...This is a new thing. Normally I'm not shy about going into a club; I'm assigning this to no meds. I found Ron eventually, and smoked a bowl with him before I went to go see John Doe at the Dame, in my ignorance I though he was a band..He was just another DJ. I did get to see the last 10 minutes of Goose Creek Symphony, the band I should have paid 15 bucks to see the whole show. I stayed at the Dame for almost an hour, not being impressed with John Doe, but liking the white people dancing. Then I went back to 141 to talk to Ron, who had finished their set. I had imbibed on about three Fuzzy Navels and a bowl of homegrown. I was feeling no pain. I was trying to talk to Ron, and he wasn't that responsive, even pulling away from me when I touched his leg accidentally. Oh well. I went home at 1 am. The started talking to Keith online, a guy I was interested in. We set up a date for today, and he stood me up.
Sigh. So for the experiment on making my social life spin..It was a failure.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Thinking Quote alert!!!

All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force… We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent Mind. This Mind is the matrix of all matter.
~ Max Planck, Nobel Prize-winning Father of Quantum Theory

If I could take all your words away and give you but a sparse few, they would be: ‘I now know, I am absolute, I am complete, I am God, I am.’ If there were no other words but these, you would no longer be limited to this plane.
~ Ramtha

The truth dazzles gradually, or else the world would be blind.
~ Emily Dickinson

Although each of us obviously inhabits a separate physical body, the laboratory data from a hundred years of parapsychology research strongly indicate that there is no separation in consciousness.
~ Russell Targ

Not only does God play dice, but... he sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
~ Stephen W. Hawking

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity...and I'm not sure about the universe.
~ Albert Einstein

When a man undertakes to create something, he establishes a new heaven, as it were, and from it the work that he desires to create flows into him... For such is the immensity of man that he is greater than heaven and earth.
~ Philipus Aureolus Paracelsus

The movie of a lifetime

First, a definition that needs to be stated:
Epiphany:1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery b : a revealing scene or moment (

I haven't had an epiphany in a long time. I consider such a thing as a moment when all cylinders of the mind, soul, and universe fire at once. It is a moment where your whole life is turned upside down, which is where it is supposed to be in the first place. Stagnation melts away; infinite doors open. A new life beckons. I can only truly say this has happened three time in my life. The first was when I was 18 and learned what a witch really was. The second was when my husband took his last breath. The third was tonight. With a move, simple though it sounds. I had hear good reviews of " What the Bleep do We know". A movie about Quantum mechanics and metaphysics probably would not blow the skirt up of many people, but this movie is making waves. It came to the Kentucky Theatre, so I went to check it out. The opening scene stopped my breath. There was Portland Oregon. The Goose Hollow light rail stop, right before the tunnel to the zoo. My old neighborhood. The last normal, happy place in my marriage. There was my dentist office, right beside the little bar we went to. I know that city like the back of my hand. It proceeded to have the following first few scenes in every single place John and I had ever cherished. It was too big a coincidence. This movie had a message for me, with a sledgehammer's delicacy.
The premise is that a photographer, Amanda (Marlee Matlin), going though a existential funk from hell. She caught her husband fucking a chick he was flirting with at their wedding. She was unhappy in her career, and is popping anti ainxiety pills like M&Ms. Then things start to happen. She starts having what most people consider hallucinations. These visions turn her view of her reality upside down. Interspersed with her story, there are talks from several famous scientists and theologians of different faiths. This is part movie, part documentary.
The theory behind her visions is not easy to grasp in whole chunks. The message is that reality is not reality. The human mind in its infiniteness can change the reality around it. The body is affected by the pure power of the mind. Nothing is solid, nothing is finite. The concept of deity cannot be held by mere religion, it transcends it.
Now before you roll your eyes, listen. These people speaking aren't quacks: they are the preeminent scientists and thinkers of our time. At first, Amanda fights the visions. The she realizes that she has to learn, and opens up. A little boy in the movie, Reggie, asks her an important question, "How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?" I am still falling.
This movie fell into my lap at a critical juncture. I am off my antidepressants, nothing. I am dissatisfied with my life. The message I got from this movie was clear: reality is what you make it, and only you are totally responsible for making reality suit you. I am going to stay off my meds for a while to test this theory. I am asking myself so many questions. Is the reason why I'm not at my potential because I have been medicated too long? Have I been living in fear of how infinite the choices are, and too afraid to open my eyes? My head is spinning from all the possibilities, all the things I could do.
Please, all who read this: GO SEE THIS MOVIE. It will change your life.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Life in S>L>O>W motion.

I feel like I'm moving in 78 rpm instead of 45 rpm (for all those not old enough to know what I'm talking about..Record speeds on a turntable). The Effexor has made its way into my bloodstream and I'm working in two modes..slow and stop. I'm at home today from work since I can barely stand from the fatigue. I call my useless internal medicine doctor and she says stop the Effexor and talk to my psychiatrist. Here is the rub: I can't afford a shrink. University of Kentucky medical insurance does not pay full price for psychiatric, just 50%. This doesn't help me a damn bit, since a shrink costs about 350$ an hour. So, I've been winging it with the antidepressants. My only choice seems to be going off the Effexor and back to the Wellbutrin, hoping a week is long enough to make it work normally. Notice I am not holding my breath.
The apartment is a mess, so I am making myself move to try to shake the lethargy. I washed my dishes, which I consider a major accomplishment. I might add I am no Martha Stewart when it comes to home keeping. I am famous for my clutter. I consider myself a champion breeder of show dust bunnies. The Effexor is working fine if the fatigue wasn't there. Sex is not a problem..Had sex the other night and had an orgasm just fine (actually a really good one but I digress..). I wish science and society would catch up to the reality of mental illness. Does the world think I want to be on meds my whole life to function? It pisses me off that society still has this stigma against something that's just another illness. So I will wander around the apartment today like a freaking zombie trying to figure out what the hell to do.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Who let the rednecks

A silent message went out amongst the mountains and plains of Kentucky. A great gathering was to be held in Lexington, and all of their kind were to assemble in festivity and beer. Kid Rock was coming to town, the redneck Messiah, and every holler in East Kentucky emptied out to come see him.
Yeah, I was there too. I call it communing with my inner redneck, the same feeling I get when I watch NASCAR and hear Lynard Skynard. I grew up amongst hicks, and even though I don't like to be grouped with them, I still understand them. They are my people. So, I was there last night in my filmy black short dress and sandals, ready to go. I got to the civic center and I was surrounded by biker chick wannabes in faded denim and tank tops. They were checking for weapons at the door, but not cigarettes (Lexington has a smoking ban), and security spent the rest of the show telling people to put the smokes out. Hemigod, a Detroit unit, opened up. They were nothing ground breaking, but they were soundly schooled in old blues rock. They did a cover of "War Pigs" by Black Sabbath that rocked.
Then the Kid came out with the Twisted Brown Trucker band. And for a skinny white boy from Michigan, he delivered the goods. He mixed riffs and sections from old classics, from Lynard Skynard to Alman Brothers, even the Dukes of Hazard theme into his original songs. There were 4 strippers, two on each side of the stage, adding something else for the guys to look at. The show was reminiscent of old 70's and 80's blowouts with lights and fireworks. There was a section where they used flaming gas torches where you could actually feel the flashes of heat.
The best part was where the Kid took turns plating all the instruments, including the turntable. The show was a success: Kid Rock was playing to his kind of crowd, and his disciples loved him.