Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Questions with no good answers

There was a situation not too long ago that happened that I haven't had a chance to sort out in my writings, that I feel I need to address. We were at a swing party, Daniel and I, and were supposed to play with a couple we really liked, that we had been wanting to play with for awhile. Another couple (known here as couple X for privacy), decided to stay, and we couldn't really tell them that the playtime was private. The male part of Couple X I have know for a bit, and have never really been attracted to, decided to play with me. So I decided to take one for the team, because I didn't want to cause trouble by saying no. We started with oral, and I was feeling absolutely no pleasure, so I decided to fake it. The longer I played with him, the more icky I felt, and it didn't feel good. We were doing it doggie style and somehow, he almost penetrated me anally. By accident or on purpose, I don't know. Long time readers will know about my sexual assault-sodomy by my ex, and how I have been dealing with it. At that point I jumped up to the bathroom, and got sick. I just cried and shook. A few minutes later Daniel came in and I told him what happened. He got into the shower with me as I tried to scrub my skin off. I felt less dirty as an Escort.
I didn't come out of the bathroom until couple X left. Luckily, the other couple we were supposed to play with we are close to and I was able to tell them this wasn't their fault. So now the thought of playing with anyone I'm not absolutely 100% attracted too, gives me a kicked-in-the-stomach feeling. So here are a few of the problems this recent situation brings up.
First, I want to make it clear that I love the Swing lifestyle, and do NOT want to leave it. However, it feels like it will be impossible to play with anyone I do not want to play with 100%. And at this point, I could take playing or leave it. The problem is I don't want Daniel to feel guilty for playing himself, and I don't want to feel guilty for saying no. We have a play date set up in the near future, and the male partner of the couple is a nice guy, but too young for me and I'd rather just watch. I am afraid I will be nudged into playing and I'm not sure I'm ready to play with a new person yet. I'm also afraid that I will knock Daniel out of playing with a couple that only play with couples. The good side is that a party is coming up in a few weeks that I think I will be fine at, all the couples are cool and there are several couples there I would LOVE to play with. I hope this will work itself out.

Buddhist Wisdom

"Ananda said: 'Friendship with what is lovely, association with what is lovely, intimacy with what is lovely--that is half of the holy life.'

The Buddha responded: 'Don't say that, Ananda. It's the whole not the half of the holy life. One so blessed with what is lovely will develop a right way of being, a thinking that no longer grasps at what is untrue, an aim that is concerned and ready, a contemplation that is unattached and free. Association with what is lovely is the whole of the holy life.' "

-Samyutta Nikaya
From 'The Pocket Buddha Reader,' edited by Anne Bancroft, 2000.


"I am standing upon a seashore. A ship at my side
spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and
starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty
and strength, and I stand and watch unitl at last she
hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea
and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then
someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'
Gone where? Gone from my sight...that is all. She is
just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was
when she left my side and just as able to bear her
load of living freight to the place of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at
the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she
goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and
their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here
she comes!' "
- Henry Van Dyke, A Parable of Immortality

Monday, May 15, 2006

The Announcement

We've decided on forever
and forever begins when we
Tabitha Ramos
Daniel Napier
get married on
May 13, 2006
at 5:00 PM
The ceremony and reception will be held at
Russel Acton Folk Center
212 Jefferson Street,
Berea, KY 40403
Semi-Formal Attire, or Pirate/"Princess Bride" Costume
R.S.V.P. to

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Writing my new name

I found myself practicing my new name. It is only the second time in my life, after learning to write, that my signature has changed. The muscles in my hand is grumpy, they have been lazy. My signature was down to a science. Now, my hand and mind has to think about what its doing. Witches believe that life goes in circles. I can trace my circle: widow, slut, swinger, whore, friend, lover, girlfriend, fiancee, and now finally again, wife. Maybe I'll start a new circle, mother.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

10 Days to go

Well the major things have been done. The clothes and tack have been ordered and in the process of delivery. Most of my bridal party has it together. There is so much minutia to a wedding. However I am blissfully happy and looking forward to the day.