Sunday, June 19, 2005

Omens good or bad?

It has been 19 days since I posted...LOL it sounds like the beginning of a confessional. I do consider this blog as a confessional of sorts, to allow the world to judge me honestly. Here I am, think what you will. I am 33 years old, and not really comfortable with he fact I'm turning 34 soon. Something happened, however, to change my outlook on aging.

I had a vision last night as I was getting ready for the swing party Daniel and I was attending. I saw a woman with deeply etched lines in her face, starting at her eyes. Those eyes were full of hope, even when shrouded with age. My hair was graying but still long. I was not unattractive. I had made a comment the previous day to Daniel, after he met my mother, that I hoped to age as well as she has. The vision only lasted seconds, maybe less. But it was long enough to scare me, and in a strange way comfort me.

I am a great believer in the powers that cannot be seen ( Goddess is the name I call it.). A week before my husband went into the ICU to die. I was walking home from a night shift at the university telephone center. I knew I had to rush home, shower, rush back to the cancer center, and tend to John's needs before I could sleep. I never really slept much at that point. Anyway, as I approached the corner of Washington and S.Limestone, a huge branch crashed out of a tree maybe 10 feet in front of me. Pieces of the bark hit my leg but I wasn't hurt, just very awake and scared. I stayed long enough to call the campus police to block off the street to clean it up, then started the walk home. It was then I noticed I wasn't alone. A huge flock of crows, as black as ink, were following me home. They would fly a block in front of me, land, and wait for me to catch up, then would take off again to repeat this over and over till I was home. I was so stunned from the tree branch, the the cloud of crows, that I didn't put the pieces together until I was in the shower. Crows are a omen of death. The were right in front of me, but slightly out of reach, and would always allow me to catch up. The tree branch was a wakeup call, the crows were telling me what was coming. I realized right then that John was never going to be well again, even though at that very moment he was responding to treatment. It was the Goddesses way of telling me to pay attention cause time was short.

I am grateful for the vision last night. It tells me I will be an old woman who has not given in to cynicism, and still believes in hope. I can deal with aging knowing that.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Waxing poetic about love

I was reading my friend Kelly's blog (,
and came across her posting on love. Her basic premise was why bother. I liked the answer I posted in her comment box so much, I figured I would share it will all:

I never thought I would fall in love again until I walked into a cabin in the woods and saw the man for me across the room. It wasn't meant to be love, it was a swingers party, for the love of Pete! I was supposed to screw him and then leave. The funny thing about fate and love is that it always happens when you least expect it or want it. When you are ready and not looking for it it will happen. As for falling for the wrong is never wasted. Even if you are miserable, the lessons you learn is worth the pain and the passion. Love is like lightening Kelly, you can't plan it or control it. Like everything else in life, control is an illusion, especially where love is concerned.

Sometimes I can be wise..who would have thunk it :p

Thursday, June 09, 2005

A Year

My blog is now a year old. This is the longest time I've ever kept a journal, and I think its been very successful. A lot has happened. I've rolled with several punches. I have grown as a human being, a lover and an artist. I have pushed not only my personal boundaries but those of society as well. I have felt pain and caused it. I have been the victim of violence, and the gainer of blessings. I have been let down and let down others. I have fallen out of love with a jerk and back into love with a more worthy man. My all time dream is within my grasp. And yet I still feel unsure sometimes, anxious. I am restless, sometimes too much. I hope the next year of this blog lets me work out the kinks in my life, and share even more.

Monday, June 06, 2005

What a disappointment

Jack, Jack, Jack.....There is so many things wrong with what has happened this week I really don't know where to begin. You have been my muse for the past year. I have painted you into my art, written about you, dreamed about you. I considered you an exceptional human being: brilliant, talented, creative and quirky in a way only a witch can appreciate. Your writing and music touched a part of me that I can't even explain. And even though I didn't like Renee, at least she was exceptional to be almost worthy of you. This week you became common to me.

Wow a rock star married a model in a freaky rock star kind of wedding, after little more than a month of dating. You speak of the truth in the liner notes of the new album I received today. I received the truth about you. You are banal, and ordinary. You are so desperate to want us to think you are a normal person who only wants to write songs and be an Artiste. You cannot create art in a vacuum. Artists need people, you need the publicity as much as you detest it. You cannot have it both ways Jack. You tripped yourself up in the contradictions. You are now no different from any other grasping, crude rock star. You manipulate the media to your advantage like any other celebrity. True, you might be in love, but its with an illusion. The illusion who is blank and is whatever people paint on her. No substance, only fog and mirrors. Certainly nothing extraordinary, like you were to me. You have sold yourself out to the Rock Star Personae. At least I am honest about being a whore. At least I am honest when I say I will do anything to be able to put forth my art to the world. To let the world judge whether or not I am an Artist. I do not pretend to be some sort of Artiste above the commercial world, then use the media to push myself forward to become no better than the Brittany Spears' and Justin Timberlakes of the music world. I once thought you were a kindred spirit, now you are just a Rock Star who shares my birthday. The absolutely splendid, breathtaking music you have just put out is no longer a diamond to me, just ordinary glass. May the Merciful Goddess have mercy on your heart and soul when it falls apart for you, Jack. Because it certainly will. And may the Merciful Goddess have mercy upon me for worshipping you like you were worth it. You will still be in my art, but now as a mere shadow who once was credible, beautiful and astonishing..but no longer.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Open Letter to you know who

Like I told you on the phone tonight, I slept peacefully for the first time since the last time I was in your arms. Want to know why? Cause I had my future wrapped around me, fitting my body and soul to a T. It seems that every time we are are together the fit becomes better and better. And even if I talk your ear off about trivial things, you still laugh at my jokes. You know who I am, and are the only person I trust to see the dark side. I love you Daniel.

Friday, June 03, 2005


- Go It Alone - Beck 2005

"I'm comin over
See me down at the station
By the lane
With my hands in my pocket
Jingling a wish coin
That I stole from a fountain
That was drowning all the cares in the world
When I get older
Climbin up on the back porch fence
Just to see the dogs runnin
With a ring and a question
And my shiverin voice is singing
Thru a crack in the window

I better go it alone

Down on the corner
See me standin
On a makeshift road
With the dust storm blowin
In a long black shadow
Pull a hammer from a coal mine
Down where your daddy was workin
Comb my hair back
Strike a match on a bathroom wall
Where my number was written
Drivin on the sidewalk
Lookin back and the sky is burning
In my rearview mirror

I better go it alone"


Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end"

I'm feeling a huge amount of guilt about Mr. Cool. This man is offering to sell some of his property to send me to college. He loves me and has for months. And I do love him, but not in the way I used to. I am desperately in love with Daniel. Yet I cant tell him that. Nor can I tell him that I love him differently now. I feel stuck. Daniel knows this dilemma, and tries to comfort me. This is the core of my funk right now. I feel like I'm using Mr. Cool for school money, but I genuinely love him. And yet, I cant have a future with him. I cant have a baby with him. And under no circumstances can I take care of another dying man. I was devastated when John died. I cannot psychically survive another life experience like that. I know that our lives are not guaranteed, but the likelihood of Mr. Cool dying sooner rather than later is better than average. I just don't know what to do.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

The Truth

I love epiphanies, especially when they hit you like a brick. I came to several realizations about my life tonight and who I truly am. I am a whore. I am fat; I am ugly. I have no artistic talent whatsoever. I'm lazy. I'm stupid. I'm poor. I will never amount to anything. I'm useless. I made my husband suffer the last week of his life cause I am selfish. I care only for myself. I'm am sitting in shithole of an apartment in Lexington KY realizing I am a complete waste of oxygen. Why I am even here on this planet in the first place is a mystery.
The only absolutes I have left in this world is this: I have a man who is wonderful and loves me. I have a mother and sister who love me. I have friends who love me. I have a Goddess who loves me. And maybe, if I can never love myself, they will teach me how.