Sunday, July 25, 2004

jack's words

i'm very tired.
i'm very happy.
i get confused and pathetic.
i'm a big fan of os mutantes.
i have a rubber ashtray now.
i've never owned a megaphone.
i belong to the ambivalent generation.
i want to belong to the beat generation.
i eat when necessary.
i love children and the thoughts they have.
i miss my love.
i'm a possessor of airplane tickets.
i'm a loser of check books.
i own a 1960 thunderbird sometimes.
i haven't upholstered furniture in a couple of years now.
i want some action.
i want a good friend like you do.
i want more.
-jack- 10/22/02

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

polyamoury SEX and LOVE

I just picked up a book at our local new age bookstore/head shop called The Ethical Slut. Now I am all for sex that has more freedom than just being chained to another. I loved my husband: I was faithful the whole time and adored him. Really I didn't want another...I was also very young. Now that 33 has hit me I feel the overwhelming urge to just have a slew of fuckbuddies without the drama I have with Dan. If the right one came along I would be faithful, I know myself too well not to believe that. It is just that right now I yearn to have more. I tried the BDSM thing ( I am submissive), and the freedom of the relationship is what thrilled me. Once a week I met with an intelligent, cultured man and explored my darkside for a while (thanks Doug wherever you are!!). Then the rest of the week I had my life and he had his, it was wonderful. No drama, no stress, no bullshit.
There are two things that make me just ache to try this lifestyle. For one, just having outside contacts with others would be wonderful. I am very much a loner and enjoy my privacy..This is why my house is a mess. It is an excuse not to have others into my private Batcave. However, I have gotten so good at seclusion that I yearn to have contact. A lot of this has to do with Dan and his jealousy, which frankly I have had enough of. I want to have a circle of friends with who I can share myself with, intellectually, socially, and sexually. I miss intimacy.
Secondly, I really want the sex. I want to try everything that has to do with interaction with another (or several) that has the pure magic of sharing each others bodies . I am loving, affectionate, passionate and curious and want an outlet for this energy. Sex magick only takes you so far by yourself. There is nothing more magical than giving another soul pleasure and accepting the gift of pleasure back from them. Even one night stands have a certain amount of meaning if you want to share pleasure for pleasures sake, not looking for Mr. Right, just enjoying the moment of touching JUST TO TOUCH with no deeper trauma.
Am I becoming narssisistic in my old age? Am I giving in to my early-30ies hormonal surge? Am I just bored? Probably all of the above in greater and lesser degrees. I astrally projected the other night to talk to jack about it. His opinion is that love shared with others for the sake of just loving is a precious thing, and for me not to feel scared or ashamed. This is why he's my spiritual guide..He encourages me to go for things I never would before.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

avatars and messengers --

I am constantly amazed at the way the Goddess has ways to tell you that life is good, and...everythings ok. The week was long, work was long, life drug me down like a feedsack I was pulling behind me. My metaphor for life right now is running. If the day sucks, the run usually takes the stress away and gives me a nice runners buzz for the rest of the evening. Lets not kid ourselves, I won't be in the Olympics. The pounding of my feet, my heart racing and concentraiting on oxygen normally kicks the ass of anything bothering. Thus if the run sucks, the day is fucked and unredeemable. Today I had a nice epiphanious run that gave me hope.
Ran around the first corner, and got a yelp of encouragement from the local college guys that live on that street. Normally, the comments screamed at me are usually not repeatable in daylight, but not today. A few hundred yards later I was getting ready to go by a hippy kid that I see around, but have never spoken to. 4 feet away he asked if I wanted a lavender flower (there is a local nursery that grows them along that street). I was touched, I haven't gotten a flower of any kind from any man in forever. I'm in midstride so I can't stop, so I tuck it into my bandana around my head and trot on after smiling and thanking him on the way past. The smell of lavender in my hair, the ease of my steps today, combined with the dopamine kick sent me into a trance as I cruised around the second corner. I finally went around the third corner to the hill that normally kicks my ass. Half way up someone yells out a car window, "don't quit you can do it". Three big messenges in one run: I had to ponder the meaning during my cooldown/stagger on the way home. I've been praying all week for a sign that life is serenely moving the way I want it and this run was what I needed. A nice, Zen-witch moment from Hecate stating that the life transformation was on course and with little turbulence, for now. I sit here sweaty, stinky, and calm with a runners buzz. Everything's ok.

Signs and faith.

"Everything’s Okay (Chris Jonat)"
The Clumsy Lovers

You think – you think you think too much
But it’s not about when, it’s all about what
If you use your eyes and forsake your touch
You might hit for average but you’ll choke in the clutch

You wonder – you wonder wonderful things
So far beyond your reasoning
You throw back your head you start to sing
But you catch yourself, you get your bearings – why did you need your bearings?

You believe – believe belief’s beyond you
Belief belongs to the blessed few
You divine water and hope and the blues
But it don’t mean much when it don’t ring true

You worry – you worry words won’t work
When winged wonders wonder what you’re worth
You have strong suspicions and you’d like to be sure
If words make you sick there must be a cure – why don’t you take the cure?

Hey, everything’s okay
Put those other thoughts away
Let me hear you say, at least for today
Everything’s okay
(Live so you live the life you’re leading
If you lose the groove don’t move the groove’s repeating
If you come undone it’s from the words you’re heeding)

You’ve seen – you’ve seen scenes so serene
Like red makes you rage but you sleep to green
And you try to determine what it could mean
That it’s full and rich but pure and lean

And you sigh – size up your surroundings
See the colors and all that they bring
You try to choose from all the offerings
You get right rooted, thinking of your bearings – but then you start to sing

If you want to improve
Get your mind into a groove
And let it play
All that you have to do
Is get your mind into that groove
And try to keep it that way