Sunday, January 30, 2005

Painting step 1...Nausea

I took the first step on the new painting. I thought I'd include this for all people who think painting is romantic: HA.This painting is being done on canvas board,with acrylic. This is my first dance with this medium thus the nausea. I took the pic and with a charcoal pencil I did the proportion mark off. I then sketched the outline of various shade ranges, to know where the very darkest shades went, and so on. I would do a few more sketches on my way to and from the kitchen, as my studio is on my kitchen counter. It serves the purpose of making me feel guilty for not working on it, so I do every pass.

Cool Quote

"I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself."
--Anais Nin--
March 25, 1933 from Incest

Two Fisted Admiration

I remember in early November being in line to vote on election day. I was surrounded by college students and professors, and locals who worked for the university. The biggest worry I had, except that Bush would win, was about the piece of art work I was planning and taking my meds on time. Today is a Sunday, and a world away people, men and women, are standing in line to vote in the Iraqi elections. Their worries: if they will live to make it back to their homes, and if they will survive the following weeks from retribution attacks. The very survival of their families hang in the balance. We spoilt Americans cannot comprehend that kind of stake in an election, unless you are black and tried to vote in the south in the 1960's. This may not be a perfect system, but the Iraqi elections are showing democracy at its most vital, where the urge to have a choice overrides the fear of death. This must have been how early Americans felt, when actual participation in a system that beforehand had been denied them was so important that they would risk life and limb, honor and family, to have them. Let me make this clear: I think our President is a complete Idiot Scumfuck who has united the whole world against us. I hate this unnecessary war, its meaning, and its cost. However, I have a tremendous amount of respect for those people in line in Baghdad, Basra, Falluja, and the rest of the nation of Iraq who have the balls to do what 50% of Americans fail to do:VOTE.

And as a reminder to the people of this country, here is the Declaration of Independence in it's entirety:

The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

The signers of the Declaration represented the new states as follows:

New Hampshire
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

John Hancock, Samual Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

Friday, January 28, 2005

This one might be my fave... Posted by Hello

Yes God has a sense of humor.. Posted by Hello

Red Meat is the most subversive comic in the universe..this is one of a series that explain why... Posted by Hello

Wake UP!!!

This week has been pretty grueling. Work sucks on a daily basis. I'm still not ready for the thought of intimate company yet but working on it. An I came to the realization last night as I was stoned out of my gourd that I truly have chosen this life. I chose to let a man in who assaulted me. I choose to get my ass kicked at work because I wont make a reason to leave. Enough passiveness. I want to be a goddamn artist...So I applied to the Savannah College of Art and Design. This is a pretty prestigious art school with one of the best Historic Preservation departments in the country, though I might just say fuck it and try painting. It will be a huge personal challenge. But, as you have all read in the past, I have faced worse. How am I paying for it: don't know. What will I do if not accepted: don't care yet. The very process of trying is invigorating. I've started a painting tonight because I need a portfolio done and don't have enough work to do one. Instead of life happening I'm making it happen. So I'm invigorated. Scared. Thrilled.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005


Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary has this entry for this word:

Main Entry:3 rape
Function: noun
1 : an act or instance of robbing or despoiling or carrying away a person by force
2 : unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent.

Main Entry: acquaintance rape
Function: noun
1: rape committed by someone known to the victim

I am always wondering how words pertain to, and define us as humans and individual souls. The English Language has over 100,000 words so I'm told, and a word for every thing and experience. My dilemma is that cannot discern if the above words pertain to or define what I have experienced. And if they do, how do I keep it from defining me?
Someone who I have had an off and on relationship for two years came over on Sunday. I had not talked to this individual in several months, and out of the blue he calls. He's leaving the train wreck he was living with, and had got his ex-wife to take him back. I was happy for him. First call was at noon, second call at 3:30. He wants to come over. I had a late xmas gift for him. So he comes over. We lay there watching football, I rub his back since he had worked that morning. We begin to kiss and touch. He whispers something in my ear about not doing something to me before. I'm half undressed, and he flipped me over. Then he tried to start anal sex, which he knows I don't like (mainly because of him in the first place). I tell him no, not interested. He does it anyway...

I really don't know how long this took, sort of blurry. I remember being flipped over after it seemed like 15 minutes of hard anal, legs up, him inside me the normal way a few strokes, then him pulling out and cumming on my belly. He kissed me, got up to go wash. I just laid there. He brought me a clean towel to clean up with and all I could think about was not wanting to ruin the towel for some reason. I told him no, I would go shower. And I did get up and walked to the bathroom. I was very shaky. I showered. I went back to the bed he was flipping channels. He laid beside me for about a half hour, and we talked. I remember talking, but not what I said. I even laughed I think. Then I walked him to the door. He kissed me goodbye, and left. I do remember he kept asking me if I was ok. And I kept saying yes I was. I was numb.

I've been numb all week. My boss gave me hell today, and I normally cry. I just was a blank. I donated blood. I worked out Monday and Tuesday even though I was so very very sore. I've told only three friends about this, two guys and a girl. The word rape came up all three times. And yet, I cant call it that. Why not? I was held down, I said no and kept saying no. He didn't stop. I keep using the word forced. I will not press charges. I have a submissive nature. Does my mind think I wanted it? Do I think that the word rape conjures up stalking and raping in back corners? Or do I know deep in my heart that if I acknowledge this word that I will freak? I'm already the posterchild for burned out depression. I know that unless I scraped the cum off and saved it I still couldn't prove it since I didn't fight or scream or call the cops right after. It would make life at a difficult job impossible. And then it comes down to being defined: "rape VICTIM" I get riled by that. I am no victim. I simply think I do not want to be defined by this so I'm numbing up. Will be interesting to see what happens If I do start feeling.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

How close I came to Guessing Right: Oscars

Well I'm just now getting a chance to look at the Oscar nominations, and damn, I didn't do too bad. Here are the surprises in each category:

Best Picture:
I got 4 out of 5. The surprise was Finding Neverland, I chose Kinsey. The big no brainer was that Fahrenheight 911 and Passion of the Christ got nil. Oscar simply doesn't like controversy ever since Color Purple.

Best Director:
3 out of 5. The surprises were Taylor Hackford for Ray and Mike Leigh for Vera Drake. I picked Marc Forrester and Mike Nichols.

Best Actor:
Once again 3 out of 5. The surprises were Clint Eastwood, Don Cheadle was an outside pic. I would like to voice a big bitch right now: Paul Giamatti did not get a nomination for Sideways. This was a robbery, since he had one of the most touching and funny performances of the year.

Best Actress:

4 out of 5 baby. The surprise: Catalina Sandino Moreno for Maria Full of Grace, and deservedly so. It was a tough performance, and heartbreaking.

Best Supporting Actor:

4 out of 5. The surprise: Alan Alda for the Aviator. I love him an am pleased. If Thomas Hayden Church hadn't been nominated Id be rooting for him.

Best Supporting Actress:

4 out of 5 again. The surprise: Sophie Okonedo of Hotel Rwanda. This movie will be coming to the Kentucky Theatre in the next month, and it should live up to its hype.

The big shocker for me was Foreign Film. The Motorcycle Diaries, nor A very Long Engagement, got nominations. The did get nominations in the technical categories, as did Passion of the Christ.

So, its looking like The Aviator is the favorite with 11 nominations. I expect several surprises.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Life deficiency

I've been told that severe anemia feels like all the blood has drained out of the body. I think instead of iron deficiency, I'm having a life deficiency. All the joy I have feels like its been sucked away. The cold weather, along with the fibromyalgia and work just has drained me. I haven't been this weary in along time. Seems I have reached a reconciliation with Dan, for now, and friendship is as far as it goes. I have reached the stage where I really don't care if I leave the apartment on weekends. Pathetic. On a high note, there is a huge party next weekend and I have a honest to goddess date on Thursday. Maybe one more week will get by without me killing someone.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Poetry alert

pictures of Spain
the gentlest of throbbings
My Dearest…
finger pressing, gently
now the throbbing
delicately flushed
the leaves and photographs
of Spain; the most delicate
of throbbings; the rarest
of petals and a solitary
pearl; My Dearest…
these pictures of Spain
herein enclosed; the slightest
warmth; hands and fingers
alone; gently and with
great tenderness; My Dearest…
this most pleasant of throbbings.
And pictures of Spain.

-Scott Banville 2005-

Monday, January 17, 2005

Cool Quote

"my night train sippin', cult flippin', white punk jumpin', rum runnin', bathtub thumpin' approach to music could only be cool and nothing else really dog."
Jack White

Another Golden Globes and Oscar Race.

Well another Golden Globes has passed by. I was pleasantly surprised at the variety of winners this year.It looks like its setting up to be an exciting Oscars this year. The movies coming out on top look like Ray, Closer, The Aviator, Million Dollar Baby, and Sideways. Acting nominations will go out easily to Hillary Swank and Jamie Foxx, both winners. Also Leo Decaprio and Annette Bening. I was hoping that The Motorcycle Diaries would have won, but they will be nominated at the Oscars. Its funny that I pay attention so much to this. The Globes are the biggest indicator for Oscar time. My possible list of nominations for Oscar Time.....
Best Movie:
The Aviator
Million Dollar Baby
outside shots:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Martin Scorsese
Clint Eastwood
Alexander Payne
Marc Forrester
Mike Nichols
outside shots: possibly Quentin Tarantino

Best Actor:
Leo Decaprio
Paul Giamatti
Liam Neeson
Johnny Dep
Jamie Foxx
outside shots: Don Cheadle, Jim Carrey, Jude Law

Best Actress:
Anette Bening
Hillary Swank
Imelda Staunton
Kate Winslet
Nicole Kidman
outside shots: Uma Thurman, Emmy Rossum (GOD I hope not Renee Zelleweger!!)
and Julia Roberts

Best Supporting Actor:
Thomas Hayden Church
Morgan Freeman
Clive Owen
Jamie Foxx
David Carradine

Best Supporting Actress:
Virginia Madsen
Cate Blanchet
Laura Linney
Natalie Portman
Merryl Streep

Those are my guesses. January 25 the nominations come out and I will see how good I am at this lol.

Friday, January 14, 2005


-Lisa Loeb, Firecracker, 1997-

I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me.
and now you want to ask me “how”?
It’s like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?

Why did you come here?
You weren't invited.
You were on the outside - Stay on the outside.
And now you want to ask me “why”?
It's like - why does your heart beat, and how do you cry?
How does your heart beat?

And there are some things that I like to figure out.
There are some things that I can do without -
like you, and your letters that go on forever,
And you, and the people that were never friends.

With all the things that you could be,
you never could learn how to be me.
And now you want to ask me “how”?.
It’s like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Random acts of kindness

I just now got an instant message from someone locally who reads Ponderings. He said, " it's poetry. In so many ways. And emotionally, so incredibly intense, it feels it could scorch a person." I felt a wave of..I don't know. Flattery? Fear? Shame and guilt and pride? Humble and bewildered is a good way to describe it. Holy hell, people actually read this and get something from it? From me and my crazy life and ideas? Since I consider the written word to be the closest path into a persons mind, it is a bit ironic that someone else likes and appreciates my thoughts. It reminds me I make myself vunerable by writing. That's the point. I am a recluse by nature and astrology (Cancer with moon in Aquarius). This is my way to let people in without physical danger. But which is more dangerous? Someone in your physical space, or mental? Somewhere I read that one word, like a pebble thrown in a body of water, reverberates outward and you never know where,or what, the ripples or word will touch. This week has been a tough one, mentally an physically. So thank you, all who have written and IMed me that like and appreciate my blog. You have made me put into perspective everything around me, and feel better about my world. Thank you.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

A pain meds rant.....

Ok, being the dumbass that I am, I ran for the first time today after being off almost 2 weeks. Guess what? I FELL!! So now my whole right side is sore. So now I'm on some pretty good meds, ands I'm going to ramble for awhile on any goddamn subject I chose. Might be yearning is the subject of tonight's rant.

I am yearning for a certain man. A very very specific one. A man who is full of magic and energy and innocence. One who loves with every pore and cell he has. Passion as deep and wide and fathomless as the sea. He opens his mouth and poetry and jazz pours forth. This man is in my very deepest soul. I can taste him in my mouth and smell him on my clothes. I feel his skin holding mine. I read his words and cry and rejoice. I strain to hear his voice on every memory of sound. I ache for another soul I will never have. My days are empty wasting away living in my dreams. My life in my mind with him are the only true things that make my life bearable. This man would never notice me on the street, he would pass me by. I run and work out thinking some day he may see me and I want him to see the best I am. Songs pour forth, cause someday me may hear me an be touched. I want to write epics so one day he might read and he may be healed. Art worthy of the ages I want to paint so one day he might absorb them and be transformed, or transfixed. I want so much to scream through the ether "I AM HERE!!!FIND ME!!!" Please find me.....There are so many of us yearning, for impossible ethereal things. That can be solved by one look, or sigh, one caress on the cheek.....

Friday, January 07, 2005

Altered lyrics alert

Its no big secret that I LOVE old blues. I also appreciate bands that revive it. That being said, The White Stripes version of "Death Letter" kicks ass. They even did a partial version at last years Grammy's. I finally got to hear Son House's version, and man Jack left out a lot of lyrics. Here in their entirety, is the Son House version of "Death Letter", with my own notations on what was left out...

"We were always singing in the fields. Not real singing, you know, just hollerin', but we made up our songs about things that was happening to us at the time, and I think that's where the Blues started."

-- Son House --

All lyrics on this site are for private study, scholarship, or research purposes only. Read the copyright notice before printing/copying anything from this page.

Death Letter

by Eddie James "Son" House, Jr.
recording of 19 {?}
from , copyright notice

I got a letter this mornin, how do you reckon it read?
It said, "Hurry, hurry, yeah, your love is dead"
I got a letter this mornin, I say how do you reckon it read?
You know, it said, "Hurry, hurry, how come the gal you love is dead?"

So, I grabbed up my suitcase, and took off down the road
When I got there she was layin on a coolin' board
I grabbed up my suitcase, and I said and I took off down the road
I said, but when I got there she was already layin on a coolin' board

Well, I walked up right close, looked down in her face
Said, the good ol' gal got to lay here 'til the Judgment Day {not in WS version}
I walked up right close, and I said I looked down in her face
I said the good ol' gal, she got to lay here 'til the Judgment Day

Looked like there was 10,000 people standin' round the buryin' ground
I didn't know I loved her 'til they laid her down
Looked like 10,000 were standin' round the buryin' ground
You know I didn't know I loved her 'til they damn laid her down

Lord, have mercy on my wicked soul
I wouldn't mistreat you baby, for my weight in gold {not in WS version}
I said, Lord, have mercy on my wicked soul
You know I wouldn't mistreat nobody, baby, not for my weight in gold

Well, I folded up my arms and I slowly walked away
I said, "Farewell honey, I'll see you on Judgment Day" {not in WS version}
Ah, yeah, oh, yes, I slowly walked away
I said, "Farewell, farewell, I'll see you on the Judgment Day"

You know I went in my room, I bowed down to pray
The blues came along and drove my spirit away {not in WS version}
I went in my room, I said I bowed down to pray
I said the blues came along and drove my spirit away

You know I didn't feel so bad, 'til the good ol' sun went down
I didn't have a soul to throw my arms around
I didn't feel so bad, 'til the good ol' sun went down
You know, I didn't have nobody to throw my arms around

I loved you baby, like I love myself
You don't have me, you won't have nobody else {not in WS version}
I loved you baby, better than I did myself
I said now if you don't have me, I didn't want you to have nobody else

You know, it's hard to love someone that don't love you
Ain't no satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do
Yeah, it's hard to love someone that don't love you
You know it don't look like satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do

Got up this mornin', just about the break of day
A-huggin' the pillow where she used to lay
Got up this mornin', just about the break of day
A-huggin' the pillow where my good gal used to lay

Got up this mornin', feelin' round for my shoes
You know, I must-a had them old walkin' blues {not in WS version}
Got up this mornin', feelin' round for my shoes
Yeah, you know bout that, I must-a had them old walkin' blues

You know, I cried last night and all the night before
Gotta change my way a livin', so I don't have to cry no more {not in WS version}
You know, I cried last night and all the night before
Gotta change my way a livin', you see, so I don't have to cry no more

Ah, hush, thought I heard her call my name
If it wasn't so loud and so nice and plain {not in WS version}
Ah, yeah

Well, listen, whatever you do
This is one thing, honey, I tried to get along with you {not in WS version}
Yes, no tellin' what you do
I done everything I could, just to try and get along with you

Well, the minutes seemed like hours, hours they seemed like days
It seemed like my good, old gal outta done stopped her low-down ways {not in WS version}
Minutes seemed like hours, hours they seemed like days
Seems like my good, old gal outta done stopped her low-down ways

You know, love's a hard ol' fall, make you do things you don't wanna do
Love sometimes leaves you feeling sad and blue {not in WS version}
You know, love's a hard ol' fall, make you do things you don't wanna do
Love sometimes make you feel sad and blue


Now I am aware of two things: 1) The White Stripes are known for their short running songs, and 2) this song is friggin long in its original state. TWS also shortened Blind Willie McTell's "Your Southern Can is Mine". But I hope that once in their careers Jack and Meg can do full versions of some of the old Blues classics they have covered. They could do them so much more justice.

Time Game

My friend Clint just had a nifty thing on his blog. Start at 25 years ago and go by five on where you were when...
25 Years Ago:
I believe I was in Centralia IL. We lived on a farm, and my dad I think was working in the coal mines there.I was in second grade. I remember the landscape the best, very flat, very cold.

20 years ago:
I was in Inez KY. My parents had been divorced for years. We lived with my grandparents and extended family who ignored the fact I was depressed, and just heaped emotional abuse on me my sister did not get. That was the year I tried to commit suicide 3 times. Eventually I just isolated myself from all people and stayed save in my little cancer shell. Most memories were surrounded by crushes, and a very bleak grey landscape, with mountains. The saving grace was Frank Baldridge, the academic team coach that saw more than what everyone else saw and expected more. Feeling a bit of worth saved me.

15 Years ago:
I was at Marshall University, Huntington WV. I was in the midst of my first real love, Shawn Gainer. Tall and skinny ( my first run in with skinny white boy syndrome) he was the tortured artist type who smoked and drank too much. He was also a year younger. I was once again depressed, but trying to fight it. I couldn't concentrate on classes to all my focus was on him. It was also the first time I encountered witchcraft. Later that year, I would go through my first spectacular breakup, hospitalizing and last suicide attempt. And the only thing that saved me was Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler. It was the first time in my life I felt I wasn't all alone.

10 years ago:
I was an undergrad at University of Kentucky. I was doing Society for Creative Anachronisms almost all my spare time. The depression was there but I was in the midst of trying all the drugs I could to control it. That Feburary at a SCA event in Cincinnati, OH I met my friend's dad John. He was really nice and helped me climb stairs in the big dress I was wearing. That May John would move to Lexington to stay with his son for only two weeks, he said. That September we were married.

5 Years Ago:
We were living in Portland, OR. John was working at Shriners Hospital and I was at the Oregon Zoo. We were both getting a case of wanderlust again so we applied to work at Grand Teton National park and were hired. We moved that May. John was weak that whole summer and had a lot of accidents because he was tired and dizzy. We moved again at the end of the season to Key West FL. We had 2 normal weeks, then John started getting weaker. He was diagnosed as having Leukemia after waking up with blue legs, then finding his body wasn't making blood. I descended into a hell of cargiving and stress and worry, and ballooned to 300lbs.

1 Year ago:
I was working at UK telephone operations. I was bored and trying to get another job, and did at the grad school. I was finishing up a very educational relationship with a dom. I was also empowered by that relationship to start to exercise, and began to run. Dan also started calling again, then wanting to get romantic but not date.LOL

I'm still living in Lexington. Still at the grad school. I've met someone but of course its complicated. I'm running and weight training, but have the flu. I cant afford to take classes or much of anything. I'm hoping the new friend might have ideas to change that.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Lyrics Alert!!!!

Changes in latitudes, Changes in attitudes
1978 Jimmy Buffett

I took off for a weekend last month
Just to try and recall the whole year.
All of the faces and all of the places,
wonderin' where they all disappeared.
I didn't ponder the question too long;
I was hungry and went out for a bite.
Ran into a chum with a bottle of rum,
and we wound up drinkin' all night.

It's those changes in latitudes,
changes in attitudes nothing remains quite the same.
With all of our running and all of our cunning,
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.

These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes,
Nothing remains quite the same.
Through all of the islands and all of the highlands,
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

Reading departure signs in some big airport
Reminds me of the places I've been.
Visions of good times that brought so much pleasure
Makes me want to go back again.
If it suddenly ended tomorrow,
I could somehow adjust to the fall.
Good times and riches and son of a bitches,
I've seen more than I can recall


I think about Paris when I'm high on red wine,
I wish I could jump on a plane.
And so many nights I just dream of the ocean.
God, I wish I was sailin' again.
Oh, yesterdays are over my shoulder,
So I can't look back for too long.
There's just too much to see waiting in front of me,
and I know that I just can't go wrong
with these...


Ok some thoughts about a lifestyle correction.

I had a surreal New Years party. It was one of the swing parties I go to, and I was a hostess being the social butterfly. Got really drunk really fast and stoned by ball dropping time. I found out that apparently the new social etiquette for "Wanna Fuck" is a buck ass naked guy standing over you rattling a condom wrapper. And for the upteenth time at one of these parties, no orgasm. Oh don't misunderstand, there was a lot of pleasure, but I just couldn't cum. Then, after having a huge orgasm at home with the new sex toy, I actually took time to ponder something a friend asked me that I had no answer for at the time, "which is better, BDSM or Swinging?" Both supplied for me outlets to my sexual curiosity. Both have been huge learning experiences about myself. So I asked the friend to clarify the question, and he meant, quite literally, which produced the most orgasms. That was an easy answer, BDSM. But the answer did leave me wondering why. And after analyzing, I came up with an answer of my own: Intimacy.

In BDSM, you absolutely must have a partner you trust implicitly. If you don't know someone, you really shouldn't let them hog tie you to the bed. You must trust them to respect your limits, or gently push them. The Dom ( or Domme if she's female) and the sub have to dance an exquisitely intricate dance to get it right. Oh, but when you do the results are incredible. I learned more about my sexuality in the 4 months I had a dom than I had the past years of my life. I realized how free you can be if you just let go. Letting go frees you from the absolute shit and stress you have, because for that little while, you do not have to make a decision, or think. You do what you are told.

Now swinging has taught me lessons about myself as well. It has freed me of a great deal of my body issues. If you are on a bed with 7 other naked people, all body types are represented. No reason for shyness. It also taught me a lot about some marriages. It is a bit strange having sex with a married guy with his wife either watching or having sex with someone else nearby. However it is cool to watch a married couple make love to each other, cause you can see the level of intimacy that the years have built. They know where each sweet spot is on their bodies, where to touch and not. We had a strip contest at the party and no one stripped by themselves; they all striped as couples. Its easy to do if someone you know that well is up there with you. I stripped as well (going back to the body issue thing) with Mr. Cool, and it was fun but awkward cause we didn't know the way to move with each other. The married couples certainly did.

Both BDSM and Swinging have their bad spots. I didn't particularly enjoy the humiliation part of BDSM, since I had too many years of therapy to belittle myself for someone else. The pain aspect wasn't fun at times either. With swinging, you normally end up with a partner who has no idea what you like, or how to touch. Its like the first time with a boyfriend ALL the time. I wont lie-I had two partners on New Years. Both passionate, both fairly good. One was a different race, a first for me. But they both liked fingering, which I don't and had to remind them of a few times ( it hurts unless done properly, which it rarely is, but that's a personal preference) but I didn't seem to get through. I woke up that morning after 2 hrs of sleep with a hangover, which is usual. What wasn't was the overwhelming emptiness I felt inside. I wanted to chalk it up to several factors: the hangover, stuff going on with Mr. Cool, and the fact I loath New Years Day worse than Christmas but not as much as Valentines Day. I was PMSing and worried about shit going on existentially. But I boiled it down to the fact that as all things that catch my interest sexually usually run their course. And maybe Swinging has too.

Intimacy is not something I've had in many a moon. There is just something about having one person that shares individual sexual experiences with you than no one else knows about. Its like a secret you share and the world has to but out. I have two bed buddy relationships I have this with to a degree. I don't see either of them regularly. Once a month for each, and I do things with each that I do with no one else. These are the only lovers I have allowed into my private batcave ( apartment) in months. Each one I am a different kind of lover with. The problem is that I don't see either regularly enough to build the degree of intimacy I think I am starting to need. So this might be another new years thing to add to the list: find more consistent lover, one that doesn't smother but I see more often. As for swinging, I might go to one more party, maybe two to confirm my decision that I'm over it. Who knows.....

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Well it's 2005 Happy New Year

I survived another calendar year. I re-united with Dan, then dumped his ass. I changed jobs for what I thought was the better, then learned differently. I fell in love all over again with art and writing. I really hope the next calendar year is less stressful and more financially secure. I want to live and not simply exist..that probably will be the overall plan.