Thursday, September 29, 2005

Big Decision

I had decided after many days of soul searching, do remove myself from my meds, then I chickened out. I cant risk all the things I have rebuilt, including Daniel. SO I'm waiting for a call from my Dr. to advise me the best way to go about this, and what it will take to right the ship. Daniel and I just talked and he assured me I wouldn't lose him by trying this. In just told him this momentous news right as he was waking up. I had to or I would have chickened out. So I promised the next time I threw a news grenade at him, Id yell a heads up first LOL.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Cool Poetry Alert!

Do not go after the past,
Nor lose yourself in the future.
For the past no longer exists,
And the future is not yet here.
By looking deeply at things just as they are,
In this moment, here and now,
The seeker lives calmly and freely.
You should be attentive today,
For waiting until tomorrow is too late.
Death can come and take us by surprise--
How can we gainsay it?
The one who knows
How to live attentively
Night and day
Is the one who knows
The best way to be independent.

-Bhaddekaratta Sutra

Thursday, September 22, 2005


Have mercy on me baby
I'm down upon my knees
Have mercy on me baby
I'll do just as you please
Well you know that I love you
I'll put noone else above you
Have mercy on me baby, have mercy

Have mercy on me baby
Please have a little heart
Have mercy on me baby
You're tearing me apart
The way that you do me
You know you done got to me
Have mercy on me baby, have mercy

She's got you hypnotized
And your brain is paralyzed
You know she's only playing with you
Like a puppet on a string
Remember just one thing
She can't love you like I do, no

Have mercy on me baby
Please give this heart a break
Have mercy on me baby I
'll do just what it takes
You know you won't regret it
So hey there now I said it
Have mercy on me baby, have mercy

Have mercy
Have mercy on me baby
Have mercy on me baby
Have mercy on me
Have mercy on me baby
Please have mercy on me

Loretta Lyn "Have Mercy" 2004 Van Lear Rose


"Writing is a lot like sex. At first you do it because you like it. Then you find yourself doing it for a few close friends and people you like. But if you're any good at end up doing it for money." - Unknown

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Communication breakdown Saturday night part 3

*CAVEAT: some of the next part of the story I am remembering the best way I can, I was really upset and tired and hurting when the next part happened, so I will try to be as exact as possible, in the name of fairness*

Sometime about 11PM, Daniel walked up to me and wrapped his arms around me and asked me if I was ok with the whole situation. Um....I started shaking and the first tears rolled. So we walked back to our room and closed the door and the sobbing began, And I let spew forth as much as I could make coherent between sobs. I told him my fears about the lady, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea to propose to me and still play. So he said that's fine, Ill propose another time. That made it worse, because I wanted to be proposed to that night. It finally broke down to him saying I didn't want to be in the lifestyle anymore because I never played at parties anymore, and that him playing made him look like an ass (see previous posts). That in turn made me feel even more shitty and the crying got worse. The he asked me if I even wanted him to play with this lady. I couldn't answer him, he took it as no and walked out to tell her. That pretty much finished me for the night. I tried to finish bartending but I couldn't I was crying so hard. I was so hurt and miserable. Wayne, my friend and partner in the bar, took over while I went back to a back room to try to calm down. I was hurt that she was there in the first place, hurt that he didn't truly understand what I was thinking and trying to tell him concerning her. I was frustrated that I couldn't make him understand the pain of the withdrawal was making the emotions worse. I felt I FELT LIKE A HYSTERICAL, JEALOUS SHREW THAT WAS BEING A BIG BABY. A bit later he came back to the room and held me so I calmed down enough to wash up and go to sleep. He came to bed and we made love and I felt safe again.

I know that most of the problems was a lack of communication on my part, as well as my perception being skewered. Daniel has asked me to talk to this lady, and I have. We have never said a cross word to each other. And I won't tell him he can't play with her, that is his decision. Al I wanted was to have my concerns acknowledged, and he has. Now what happens, happens. I love this man and I just want to protect him from all things that can harm him or our relationship. However, I can't go too far, or the only threat to our future will be me. But, I won't quit listening to my intuition, it has protected me and has worked. So we shall see. He is moving here to be with me, we want to get married and we will. We want to have children, and we will. And (this is for you Daniel) I want to reaffirm my belief in this lifestyle. Swinging is respect and freedom and I am committed to staying in it, contrary to my recent behavior that may be seen as otherwise. All I need is to get through this transition, and all will be better.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Communication breakdown Saturday night part 2

We had a swing party in Prestonsburg, Ky this weekend for our club. Daniel was hosting his first party, and I was bartending/representing the owner of the club. I was tired and miserably sick from both the withdrawal from Wellbutrin and the fibromyalgia. However, I am proud to the point of stupidity, so I tried to show as little of this as possible. Most of the day I had been getting rumblings that this would be the night Daniel would propose to me. We had the ring already, and most of our friends were there to begin with. Made sense to me. Daniel, sometime that afternoon, told me that a lady he had played with at Rocker's was coming up to the party, intending ONLY to play with him. Remember the previous post about gut feelings about women who have the capability to go nutso? The sirens were screaming loud for this one. Did I tell Daniel my fears? No, because I had no proof; she had always been nice but kind of cool to me, and she is married. So I generally assumed( never do this PLEASE), that since he was going to play he wasn't going to propose to me. Now I don't know why I felt so strongly about wanting him not to play the night he proposed. I was wacky from the withdrawal, and had a crazy-stupid romantic notion that the one night he proposed he wouldn't want anyone but me. So I was already disappointed and hurt before the party even started. Did I show it-no. Did I tell him my expectations-no. Like I said, I'm proud to the point of stupid.
The party started pretty well. I was stressed from trying to get the bar organized, but not overly so. Most everybody knew of my med situation, and were trying to keep me relaxed. The aforementioned lady showed up when Daniel had left for awhile, and though she was nice to me and I was nice to her, the alarm bells were screeching. Daniel got back and was playing host and talking, of course paying attention to her. I ignored the screeching and tended bar, but the projectile hissy fit was building. Daniel was showing my engagement ring to everyone, and it hit me hard that he just might propose to me, and he still wanted to play, with her. Ouch, big time. I was on the edge of maintaining my fragile emotional state. LOL it didn't last.

Communication breakdown Saturday night part 1

To set this story up, I need to tell two other stories first.
1)When John and I were working in Wyoming, he worked with a female Sous chef. She was friendly but I got a gut feeling she was wanting more than she could have from John. She would accidentally show up at certain places we were ( we later found from friends she was asking others about our location at certain times). She would do silly things at work so that he would have to stay late to work with her. She would show up at our apartment at weird times uninvited, or she would bug John to come over to her place to "hang out" (not including me in the invite). I told John about this gut feeling that she was trouble, but he just couldn't see it. He thought she was just being friendly. It got to the point that, after we both confronted her, she got mean and would leave letters, make phone calls and hang up, etc. Life was generally tense with her till the season ended and we left for Key West (parts unknown to her). He would get an occasional email from her, half flirtatious, half reproachful, until he died. So I have great trust in my intuition when it comes to other women and they wanting more than is offered from the men in my life. It already had happened once concerning a girl Daniel was playing with, who turned out to be psycho. My gut is usually never wrong about such things, even if it takes awhile for the proof to manifest.

2) I have never had a proper proposal of marriage. John proposed to me in the back seat of a car on the way back from a road trip in July, 1995, by saying "Hey, can we go get married soon?" And what I mean by "proper" is on one knee, romantic and wonderful. It was after the third time asking in the space of 6 weeks I finally relented, in late August. We were married in Sept., 1995 (another post for another time).

3) As I have stated in a previous post, I'm changing meds, and am wont to be extremely emotional and quite unable to control these emotions. I cry like a running faucet at the least provocation, despite my best efforts to try to maintain composure.

Now consider all these aspects when reading part 2 of this post.

This is getting old..The medwars and how they fuck up everything

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
-- Unknown --

This quote made me laugh, it was so true. Since I haven't posted for so long, most are out of the loop about my antidepressant situation. Simply, and as they are wont to do, my Wellbutrin quit working. This happens periodically, as my long time readers will know, happened about this time last year. Last year, there was no alternative meds available, so I had to go off the meds then restart them after a month. That was not a pleasant experience. This year, a new med called Cymbalta has been released that helps with depression AND fibromyalgia pain. WOO HOO! However, the same shitty experience has to be dealt with: tapering off the Wellbutrin. Even though it had quit working, it still hurts like hell to slowly wean ones self away. Now I can't even begin to dare to presume how horrible it is to withdrawal from other drugs, but antidepressants are pretty bad enough.

For one, your judgment is skewered. I am a walking, open seeping wound. The least remark, the most minor things annoy the hell out of me at best, tear my heart out at the worst. My poor baby Daniel is having to deal with this. All the things that meant nothing to me a month ago are now ripping at me. The biggest thing: sex. This is how I first could tell I was maxing out the Wellbutrin, I had lost interest in having sex with others who I wasn't well acquainted with first. This has effectively shut down the escort business, and that really doesn't break my heart any. It makes swing parties miserable as well, for two reasons: I don't feel like playing and that makes me feel guilty for letting Daniel down, and makes Daniel feel guilty for playing even though I have told him to do so. I just don't want anyone who isn't very close to me to touch me. No one new interests me. There are couples that only swap with other couples, and I don't feel like wanting a strange man to touch me, so that effectively knocks Daniel out of playing. This isn't putting too much of a strain on us so far, but it hurts me deeply to disappoint him.

Phobias that tend never be in my nature surface when I'm either maxing out of meds or tapering.
The updated list:
Anything new- Neophobia
being severely criticized- Rhabdophobia
Crowds -Enochlophobia, Demophobia or Ochlophobia
Noises, loud- Ligyrophobia
Places, crowded public- Agoraphobia
Strangers - Xenophobia
This normally will right itself when the new meds....but my patience wears thin. I just have to maintain until I have righted myself again and hope I don't drive Daniel away in the process.

Friday, September 09, 2005

3 years...Letter to a dead man.

Dearest John,
At 12:23PM today, it will have been three years since you have been gone. I am not the same woman you married, and I don't even know if you would like the woman I am now, much less love her. I have learned in your absence how low I can go, and how very base I can be. I have learned how to lie, cheat and steal very very well. I have sunk into the very pit of ugliness the human soul can dive to. And yet....

I have learned that pride is a very useless, trite thing, and that if I want to be generous, I need to let others be too. I have learned how to make less go way more. I have discovered I am a good artist. I have made very deep, loyal friends who love and respect me, despite the numerous flaws. I have discovered I am beautiful despite all the things I tell myself to the contrary, just like you said. And like you told me, I have survived your passing. I have survived it, not with the grace I would have liked, but I have.

As you also have said, I have moved on with my life. You would like Daniel, he is a wonderful man. He's not as jealous as you were, but just as kind and generous. He's also younger than I, which probably makes you laugh. We plan to marry and have children and plan a life together. It was marriage with you that prepared me for this new life, never forget that.

So I get ready to spend the day with Daniel, know that even though the distance in time keeps growing, you are always as close as a thought.


Thursday, September 01, 2005

The countdown begins...Differently....

In 9 days time, it will be the third anniversary of John's death. Last year I wrote a long extended series about his death. It was cathartic. But this past year my life has been blessed with joy and healing. Thus, I will be writing anecdotes and stories celebrating his life, his humor and stubbornness. Here is the first....

I met John at a Society for Creative Anachronisms event in Cincinnati, OH, on Feb. 1995. He was my friend LJ's dad. LJ and I were heavily into the SCA, and he suggested that we meet his dad, who lived in Cincy with his ex wife (who I never met, but the child they had, Jocelyn, is a wonder). LJ looked a lot like his dad, but he didn't talk much. He told me later he didn't know what to say to me; he was tongue tied. The may of the same year, John moved to Lexington to be closer to LJ. That's when I realized the whole quiet guy thing was a ruse. He was verbose and volatile, and funny. For the first two weeks, he was really nice, always seeming to have some little gift for me whenever he saw me. I thought that was weird, but didn't ponder on it much.

After being in town, John and I and a few friends decided to go to Lynaugh's for dinner. John proceeded to get sloppy, shitfaced drunk. He was hysterical. We all went back to LJ's that night and it was summer so I was on the porch. John came out to join me, and launched into this monologue about how he -was-always-a-gentleman-he-never-got-fresh speech. Of course he was drunk and this was coming out of left field. After about 20 minutes when he paused for breath I asked him what his point was. He looked surprised, then shamefaced then asked, "Well, since I've been a gentleman up to now...Do you want to 'fool around'"!
A feather could have knocked me over. I had no clue he was interested in me that way. I just considered him a friend, nothing remotely more. I kind of stammered I'd have to think about it, and fled the porch headed for home, kinda stunned. I was a virgin pretending I wasn't one so my friends wouldn't think I was a freak. I was not quite 24. I had know idea what my answer was going to be.