Friday, June 30, 2006

I feel pretty

The past year, since I quit escorting, has been a trying time with my sexuality. I felt like I no longer owned my body. I became selfish with my self concerning sex. I really didn't want to play with anyone. No one seemed to appeal to me except for Daniel and a very short list of longtime play partners. I figured out since I let anonymous people have me for money, only the the most select people I WANTED I played with. This has been hard to explain to Daniel. We would go to parties and nothing. The guy just wouldn't turn me on. There might have been nothing wrong with him; they just didn't appeal to me. Daniel kept thinking I wanted to leave the lifestyle, and it was nothing of the sort. I love swinging, and the friends we have made. Also, I didn't (and still don't) care if Daniel plays with others. I just wasn't interested.
Top this with a sudden weight gain from November to May, and I felt ugly and fat on top of not interested. There has been a change recently. I started walking again, and I've started to lose weight. Not a lot for people to notice right away, but enough for me to know. My wedding band set fits better. My clothes are feeling better. My energy is up. Before this I felt like no one would think me attractive because of the blubber. And, as a self-fulfilling prophesy, some guys in couples didn't want to play with me because of my size. Since that fell in a time of "I don't want to play anyway" , the rejection didn't bother me so much as Daniel not being able to play (Note: in Swinging, some couples will only play with another couple in the same room, called true swap.). Now, the past few parties I feel rejuvenated. So much so that the last house party I felt freer than I have in awhile. Yes I know I'm still fat, but I am doing something about it. Thus, I feel sexier. The true benefit of self responsibility.

Thursday, June 29, 2006


Hello All,
Yes I have been damn lazy with the posting lately. I love summer and like to go outside, so not a lot of inside writing time. I have restarted the whole fitness process, like oiling a very rusty engine. It takes much time and effort to return to a place you were before. I have been walking three weeks now, almost every day. I hope to run/walk a 5k in September, and run/walk a 10k in November. My goal is to run a whole race with no walking. Of course, this plan takes time but I go forward, one day and one baby step at a time. I'm up to walking 25 minutes at a time and by the end of this walking program ( I will be walking up to an hour every other day. I will then start the Couch-to-5K Running Plan and see if I can be ready for the race in November. One day, if I don't destroy every joint in my body, Id love to run a half and full marathon. Being on my way to being fit again has made me feel better about myself.
Daniel is delighted that I am doing this. He is always worrying about my health, and this is helping. I have been having a spell of pain this week, from what I really don't know. Just general achyness in varying degrees. Right now at 2:03 pm, I just feel tired. Last night I was in so much pain I had to take a pain cocktail (2 arthritis strength Tylenol {1300 mg}, 2 Aleve, and a glass of anything caffeinated-AT THE SAME TIME). This concoction was told to me by a doctor, and only used maybe twice a month, since I happen to be really fond of my liver and kidneys. I think it is just my Fibromyalgia reminding me not to get cocky, its still there.

Monday, June 12, 2006

New look and what's been up for a month

I haven't heard any reviews about the new look of the site...proving my point that no one reads it! I have been fighting a extended period of existential lethargy (i.e laziness). I have partially set up a new painting studio in the garage. My sewing room has a dress pattern cut out and ready to put together. And I have done nothing, nada zip. I want my life to have some creative meaning, but I am paralyzed. It could be perfectionism-procrastination, or just being bored. I don't know.

My first month of marriage has been an idyllic one. WE are very much in love and in synch with each other. I made the right choice in following Daniel into the bathroom to say I wanted to play with him. I told an abbreviated version of that story to my niece before the wedding, and the logical mind of this 9 year old going on 20 was shock. How could I go into a bathroom after a BOY! My sage advice was that sometimes honey, you got to reach out and take what you want, and listen to your gut. I should be taking that advice personally about my creativity.