Thursday, August 31, 2006


When I grew apart from Mr. Cool (the older man I dated who turned me to Escorting), I thought he would be an adult about it. Ever since January, he has went insane with accusations about me stealing off him. To answer some accusations:

1) I had permission, when we were dating, to put my Vonage bill and about 150$ of clothes on his Visa account, with his permission. Now that its all over, he calls it stealing. He is so strung out on drugs he doesn't remember giving permission for me to use it. Go figure. When I was sharing profits with him from the whoring, I gave him over $1000 dollars. Kind of makes the difference up for a 50$ Vonage bill and $150 worth of clothes.

2) He accused me of putting extra cabins on his credit card for parties. The only time we put a cabin on his credit card was in Aug. 2005 WITH HIS PERMISSION! The rest of the parties we held for him was paid for by the cover charge.

3) He accused me of taking the portable bar profits from him. We couldn't get access to the bar he paid for, so we bought our own, since it was easier to have the bar where the parties were. The profits went right back into the bar.

4) He accused me of taking membership fees, and not turning them in to him. We never collected any membership fees to give him. It was late in the year, and we were too busy trying to keep the club afloat in his absence.

So hes been bitching about this on his yahoo club site for months now. I haven't posted on his site since I left his group in late January. Today, we tried to broker a deal with "Buffy" his representative by agreeing to send him a membership invite to our club in the understanding he would lay off the accusations. He promptly turns around and posts this crap to Rockers, a regional swing group we are affiliated with. He was reprimanded for posting personal crap on the site, but the damage was done.

I do not know what its going to take to totally sever ties with him. He threatens to tell me stuff about Daniel he supposedly has, then tries to say "oh its not about money, I just want to be friends again-lets forget it all." When we agree to be friends again, he shoots off another post online belittling us. WTF?

I am ready to give our group over to other members, and leave the lifestyle, where all our other friends are, to have it over with him. Daniel says that allows him to win, but I don't know what else to do...

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Samuel Taylor Coleridge

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree :
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man

Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round :
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree ;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh ! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !
A savage place ! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced :
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail :
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean :
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war !

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves ;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.

It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice !
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw :
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,

That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome ! those caves of ice !
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware ! Beware !
His flashing eyes, his floating hair !
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Renting from the backwoods mafia

The main reason for my bad temper lately is that my beloved husband is having to live with his boss closer to work, then comes home to me on the weekends. He was having to drive 2 hours each way besides working a 12 hour shift. Now hes 15 minutes away, and only makes the long trip twice a week. I miss him terribly, and am pretty isolated. The answer is to move closer to his work, right?

Easier said than done. Now, in most reasonably populated and civilized areas, if there was a house to rent it is either in the local paper, or there are For Rent signs. Not in Logan County WV. You have to actually know someone to get info on renting a property. I have called 3 dozen (no exaggeration) people, then get numbers of 3 dozen other people, to be told they don't have anything to rent. The few that are actually posted in the Logan Banner ( are usually trailers or small apartments. I refuse to live in trailers, since they are: 1) death traps, and 2) crappy to live in. So, since we are trying to have a child, a house is the way we want to go, but we might have to see about another apartment, and they are just as hard to find there.

The other option is moving to Beckley, WV, a decently populated city. The road from Beckley to Toneys Fork, where Daniel works, is not a safe one during the winter, so this has been shot down. I am going nuts trying to find something

Monday, August 28, 2006

I hate...a rant to make me feel better

I hate it that Daniel is working so far away. I hate not seeing him that much. I hate disappointing him. I hate disappointing myself. I hate being alone in this house all day. I hate not being able to go anywhere. I hate not being able to work. I hate being exhausted, and being sick. I hate being such a fuck up. I hate it that no one will teach me to drive. I hate it that I cant bring myself to paint. I hate it that I'm ugly. I hate the fact I haven't been to Key West in 4 years. I hate that I have no close friends that can come to the house. I hate that I just cant walk out the door anymore and do things. I hate being stupid. I hate I hate I hate......

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Duh Factor, an ongoing series: Report: Paramount Terminates Tom Cruise's Contract

" Aug. 22, 2006 — Paramount Pictures is terminating its 14-year relationship with Tom Cruise — one of the most successful actors in Hollywood history — because of the actor's off-screen behavior, according to a report published late Tuesday in the Wall Street Journal. "

Ok, was anyone surprised by this? Normally I tread lightly about dissing another person's religion, since I practice a misunderstood faith myself. However, I can't let this slip past. Has Tom Cruise gotten so hypnotised by Scientology that he has no concept about how the outside world works? When your religion has you so far outside the mainstream that you start to bite the hand that feeds you, i.e. the movie-going public that buy the tickets for your movies, you either need to wake up, or accept the consequences. In the real world, if any regular person acted as bizzarre as Tom Cruise has, their job would be on the line too. Except, if we get fired we don't lose millions.

As I said before, I am an elder in Witchcraft, so I have no right to criticise Scientology per se. I am , however, a firm believer in personal responsibility. Welcome to the real world, Tom.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


After a week of building up, I can now state categorically I'm a runner again! Oh, how I have missed it, the nice endorphin rush. I am a almost ashamed of the smugness I now feel when I walk into Wal-Mart and see women bigger than I am, although I am by no means a small woman. Its just the satisfaction of knowing I'm TRYING, that I'm doing something about my weight and health. Daniel supports me 110%, and thinks I'm transforming in front of him. We want to have a baby, and I am worried about my fertility, so the weight loss will help.
Currently I have made it to: 5 minute warm up, then 1 minute of running-2 minutes of walking-repeat pattern 7 times, then 5 minute cool down. It reads like this on my sheet: 5mwarm-1m R &2 m Wx7, 5m cool. It has taken me 3 days to work up to this, the first day I was only able to do 5 repeats. After 4 days of that pattern, I go to 1m R-1mWx7, till eventually I am running 20 minutes straight. This will probably take me till late October to do. I am hoping to find a 5k to run in maybe by February. I'm overestimating everything cause I know how the fibromyalgia gets in the cold weather. So, wish me luck!

Art envy

My painting rut has lasted 8 months now. I have a basement to paint in, I have the supplies, just don't have the desire. And I see all these sites with all these painters doing good work, and I feel sick inside. I'm so afraid that I will truly find out I suck as a painter that I'm afraid to try. I love taking painting classes and make B's in them, but I feel like some big wannabe baby. Yes, I'm bitching. Yes, I'm a crybaby. Yes I should get off my lazy ass and do something. The fear is palpable. it goes to show you I am certifiable.

The few, the brave, and my message to them

I have this nifty counter linked to my blog called Tracksy. Tracksy has a cool extra that lets you see where some of the people who read you come from, and how many times they have visited your blog. Nothing else, though, to identify them. It lets me know that I have a fan in Dubai who has read my blog 5 times, and one in Atlanta who has read me some 27 times. I don't use tracksy to be nosy, it just fascinates me how small the internet has made the world. You know, you all don't have to be anonymous... Please leave comments, send me emails, anything!!! I think my writing lately has been boring and trite and I'm amazed anyone reads me anymore, LOL. I promise, once again to do better. And please, check out some of the bloggers I have links for, they are truly a humbling bunch.

Monday, August 14, 2006

help for Granny

Finn, the son of Liz, the author of Granny Gets a Vibrator, has created a paypal account on his site for his mom to help for medical bills. Here is the link: The name of the account is "The "New Shoes" for Liz Fund". As someone who, at the time of my husbands death, looked at a 3 MILLION DOLLAR medical bill, I know the challenge she faces. Every little bit helps.

Friday, August 11, 2006


The writer of one of my favorite blogs, Granny Gets A Vibrator, has just been diagnosed with cancer, either Lymphoma or Lung, they aren't sure yet. The first few posts have reminded me about my life with John, and his diagnoses. I posted a huge not on her comments page, and yet I am a stranger. She is tired and overwhelmed, has no insurance (as most people don't in this country), and is getting her first taste of the inhumanities of the medical profession. She needs the moral support of all readers and fellow bloggers, so either click the link on this entry, or in my links list, and check out this wonderful woman and support her in her struggle!!!