Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Valentine's Day Massacre: sexual secret 2-The guy's turn

From my old friends Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary:

Main Entry: cun·ni·lin·gus
Pronunciation: "k&-ni-'li[ng]-g&s
Variant(s): also cun·ni·linc·tus /-'li[ng](k)-t&s/
Function: noun
Etymology: cunnilingus, New Latin, from Latin, one who licks the vulva, from cunnus vulva + lingere to lick; cunnilinctus, New Latin, from Latin cunnus + linctus, act of licking, from lingere -- more at LICK
: oral stimulation of the vulva or clitoris

I personally hate this word. It makes it sound like a disease. And men's approach to this is a bit different than with women with blowjobs. Most of the men I have spoken to about this claim they love to eat pussy. But get them to the mat and one of three things happen: they refuse, they do it badly or do it decently. Men who brag about their licking skills also tend to (pardon the pun) suck at it.
Guys, this is oral sex, not astrophysics. It takes so very precious little to make women happy when you eat us out. Here are a few crucial yet little discussed points that can make men better at it and women happy...
CAVEAT: This section is not for lesbians. Eating pussy is their specialty. I would never even start to presume to begin to give bi or lesbian girls pointers. It would be kinda hypocritical, seeing as I'm straight. That being said, here we go.

1) SLOW THE HELL DOWN!!!! This is the biggest problem I have personally found with men going down on me. Trust me guys, there is no speed record for this in Guinness Book of Records. A lot of men start fine, then go into hyperdrive. I know most women will not speak up about this during the act, but even when I do, it doesn't seem to help. If a man goes too fast he could lick for hours and I won't cum. Save us both some time and aggravation and pace yourself. Sam Kinison had the right approach to this: take the tongue, place it on the pussy and lick the shapes of the alphabet, starting with capital letters. This slows the man down instantly. Most times you won't get to lower case,trust me. And you can show your education was useful by licking the shape of Japanese symbols, Greek Alphabet, song lyrics. The possibilities are endless.

2) SHAVE!!! Or at least get past the stubble stage of a beard. Think of it as having rug burns where its the most inconvenient. When I was in the beginning stages of receiving oral I used to not say anything about this, till the blisters began to show up. Not anymore. Grown out facial hair actually ads a new dimention to this, but if you have stubble and rub it raw guys, you aren't getting anything else.

3) WATCH THE FINGERS!! Would someone please explain to me why men feel the need to try to tear you apart with their fingers during oral? Am I alone in thinking this is annoying? If I wanted to be fisted, Ill let you know. A guy might be doing a great job, then they start shoving the fingers too hard, too roughly, too deep, or way to many at a time. I know men must think they are giving us more bang for the buck, but for me, it ends any progress the guy has made. Save it.

These are such simple suggestions that will pay off so much if they are followed. Speaking for myself, as with men being swallowed, you will get a second chance with me if you do it well. Keep this in mind.


mokhster said...

thanks that was very enlightening. if i was told earlier in life that learning my ABC's would make me "orally" prepared for the challanges of the world in the "yeehaa!" kinda way, would have put in more effort in my english classes.