Saturday, August 21, 2004

Why must love be so screwed up.

First things first: the dry spell is over sexually. It was over due, and worth the wait..That all I am saying. Later I talked to a friend who's girlfriend is a freak, so he and I shared weird ex stories.
This led me to pondering about what attracts us to others in the first place. Are we flawed in the first place to attract people not good for us? Is there some innate need to fall for trolls? My friend's story just led me to remember all the bad choices I've made the past two years. What attracted me to someone like Dan, who was not healthy for me? Chemistry is a strange thing. My husband was pleasant looking, but I wasn't attracted to him physically at first. The fact is that what I found sexy years ago
really hasn't changed much at all, except I am more realistic now. I have a thing for dark hair and gorgeous (normally light colored) eyes. No one I grew up with looked this way for it to influence my preferences; most of my family are red heads with brown eyes. Do we naturally want the opposite of us, physically and personality wise? I happen to love artistic, extremely funny-smart men. No one like that in my childhood.
So where did it come from?
There is a theory that we either look for people like we want to be; or, people who will complete us. I have a problem with the latter theory. We will never cure this wanting the unrealistic until we as humans realize we are already complete in ourselves. How can a man complete me if he is a separate entity with a different background, preferences, and personality. I happen to like who I am, and consider myself whole. I do want someone to be with, a companion on the trip of life. But, I want a person who is whole in himself and not a doormat. The idea about wanting someone with characteristics we want to have or be makes a bit more sense. I believe you can be a separate person and want to improve oneself. Dating another artist would improve my skills, and let me live in the artistic world. Even if we are individuals, others preferences rub off. I didn't appreciate fine food until I married a Chef. Dan taught me all I know about computers. Did I sublimate my personality and disappear
into the other? With Dan I did and I'm glad I have found my footing again.
SOOOO..I assume that we stumble along in the dark and love who we love and hope for the best.