Saturday, August 14, 2004

spiritual exhaustion and intimacy...

I got an interesting offer tonight from an old lover, who, as you could say, has exotic sexual tastes. I am lonely and out of sorts, but really do not want to see him again. I'm actually torn. This old lover has means (excellent pot he can afford), but is selfish in bed. I laugh at myself because I want to explore the polyamory side of me, just not with lovers from my past. jack thinks I'm cracked: love is love, he says, take whats offered and enjoy the benefits. I disagree. Sex is a wonderful, powerful experience but it should make you feel better than you did afterward, not worse. This is how I felt with this lover: drained and unsatisfied afterwards. I saw him because he liked things in bed that I had never done before, and I saw a side of myself I didn't know existed. But I always felt worse emotionally afterwards. There was no benefit, besides weird experiences and a good buzz. I need to find a new lover, or two, that makes me feel wonderful from just spending time with them, not just fucking (though I am no prude..I have had adventures of my own). I suppose I need intimacy. Intimacy doesn't have to engulf you in chains like many think it does. It has alot to do with this notion of "friends with benefits" that is going around now. The kind of intimacy I need is just being touched by a man without having my cervix ripped out with hard fucking without even a kiss (Dan's version of sex). I really have trouble putting it into words. Here's an example: when John was sick, we never had sex for the last year of his life. However, just holding him quietly and feeling his warmth fill me was in alot of ways more satisfying than intercourse. It all comes down to allowing ones self to be vunerable, which takes a hellova lot of trust. And I'm pitifully short of trust with anyone from the past two years that I had sex with. I am the kind of woman who trusts untill givien a reason not to: and when it is broken it never heals. Maybe that's why I need new men in my men have the benefit of the doubt, until they fuck up. This is very likely reason I seek jack so much astrally, I can control the interactions to a degree. And since he has access to my mind the work of "getting to know you" is not necessary. Thus, intimacy, at least mentally.
And the only intimacy I am getting now is from my own company. I think I'm going to get carpal tunnel from the I did ask my patroness Hecate for guidance through another transition in my life.