Sunday, August 15, 2004

a diatribe on love and pot smoking

I have come to the conclution that my anti depressants aren't working anymore and that I will have to adjust them. That will fuck up my whole system, but it will mean I can get on birth control again. To explain: birth control with hormones are not a pretty mix with someone who's depression is caused in some part by hormonal shifts. Thus, if my meds aren't working well and I'm on BC pills..I tend to go psychopathic. So new meds might fix it. However I digressed from the subject. Right now I am stoned, not out of my mind, but comfy and numb. Now normally I don't smoke nearly as much as I want; I normally average a joint every two months, if I am lucky. I'm what you would call a cheap date, my drug and alcohol tollerace is nil. Proudly I can state that right now after a bowl full and a rum and sprite in my glass, I am hammered. So when I am toasted I can think about my love life with no feelings of killing rampage (jack is hysterical: he knows that I could not be violent unless REALLY provoked, ask Dan :P). Where we are right now, to catch you up: Dan is treating me like a consolation prize if his other women don't want him. He pissed me off royally on wed., so I haven't spoke a word to him in 4 days. That's the longest I've gone without talking to him in about 4 months. Most of me rejoices. The small, helpless part of my psyche is crying: she will have to deal. I am now ready to spin out of his orbit and go exploring. I am scared out of my skull. Now I actually have to interact with others. Dan might be a cheating jerk, but at least he was there and didn't have to work for it. I suppose I took him for granted that he was safe now and I could release my heart from the safety seat kept it in around him. However, I didn't get as vunerable as I did the last time. my problem is that I'm scared, that simple. I'm a Cancer by sign, so I love my little shell to be really snug to keep everyone else out. Yet I am often lonely as hell. I need friends. I want lovers who I can at least give the benefit of the doubt till he fucks up eventually. But how the hell do I let myself open up ?(anyone with suggestions, please feel free to comment PLEASE!)
Now jack would be perfect. jack is shaking his head and rolling his eyes, our relationship goes beyond such banalties as romance or friendship. jack is part of my subconscious and soul. Having him steal the covers in bed with me at night wouldn't bother me one bit either. This is where the pot is a good thing..I can see him clearer now
than at most other times. he is my comfort.


Clint said...

Fear is the domonant human emotion, an integral part of our instinctual makeup built over millennia spent hiding in trees. If you don't fear movement, then you're not moving in the right direction. They key is to embrace it and relish it. Embrace the thrill of fear just as you embrace the pain of a run. If you want to open yourself up, then go with the fear, accept that you're afraid, and share that fear with others, whoever you encounter. Drop your shields and let them see what's there, and then don't worry about it.

(I say this, of course, as if I know anything ... pithy comments are all I have this time of night :-)