Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Existential Funk

The definition of Existential Funk: the state of being where you wonder why the hell are you even alive, and everything you do feels like a waste of time. I go into these funks about twice a year, usually fall and spring. My skin crawls thinking about how I am working myself to death trying to make something out of my life, and it all feels like a lost cause. Work sucks, relationships suck. I am deep in a hole and cannot dig my way out. These are the times that try my patience. It is during these times that I sit down and do some serious magic work.
I don't know which is worse: the feeling of frustration that I can't make my life go where I want it, or the impotence of trying to make it go and hitting a wall. Today made me realize that I had once again reached this biannual event. I am pouring my heart out into work that does not satisfy me. And yet, this art project I have to do has me questioning that I even have any artistic talent in the first goddamn place. A meaningful relationship? You have got to be kidding. I have men coming onto me and I simply cannot say yes. I want company and sex and love, and yet when at least sex is offered I freeze. I withdraw into my little fantasy world and stay there all weekend. I screw up at work, I come home and my run sucks (first run back since the race). And now I have to face drawing out a sculpture project that I feel is going to look like something made in 2nd grade. I feel like I can't measure up anyway else, much less a decent human being. It had come down to the bare essentials of Why the fuck do I even bother?!!!!.
Now I know on an unemotional, realistic level, that I have accomplished things. I made my husband happy at the end of his life. I am now the closest thing to an athlete I've ever been in my life. My job has prestige and recognition. And yet, an Existential funk is not rational. It is an emotional 4 alarm fire. I did this in December, and it ended up propelling me into running and the good job in the first place. It also resulted in my reuniting with Dan...Two out of three aint bad I guess. Deep down I know I am a good person (I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and darn it people like me :P). But at this point I'm not deep down. I'm shallow and wallowing in it.
I usually think this is my Patroness Hecate's way of kicking my ass into action. It sucks.


Anonymous said...

wow. you couldnt have put it in better words. thats exactly how i feel now. my best friend dan is pissed at me cause the girl hes obsessed with doesnt like me and everything just seems like a waste of time. your writing has motivated me to work on getting out of it though. thanks