Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Female Chauvinist

I wrote about this about a year ago, and the subject rears it's ugly head again: why can't I get along with members of my own gender? Why is it that I don't, and can't, have many close female friends? As of right now, I have three: Edie, my sis Sam, and Margaret. I can tell these three anything ( well mostly, Margaret doesn't know I swing), without fear. There is something so catty, so untrustworthy about, many of the women I meet. Not that they are bad people, most are wonderful. There seems to be this feeling of cut throat competition, subversive friendliness, and mind games with many women that I simply cannot understand.

For example: there are several females in our group who don't particularly like each other, which is fine. No one person can be appealing to everyone. But at a recent party where these women happened to be in close proximity to each other, there was an undercurrent of tension, with each of them talking about the other behind their backs. Then, if they did get within talking distance of each other, they made snide remarks about the others within earshot. Why was this necessary? If I don't like some one, I avoid them. If I see them I am courteous and polite, but not snide. We had to put out the proverbial fires from a half dozen incidents from this party about this one talking about that one, this one being upset ant that one because of something that was said, etc. I am so sick of this drama I'm ready to scream!

The interesting thing is there are NO MEN causing these problems. If men don't like you they either tell you, or avoid you. No gossip, no badmouthing. I feel so uncomfortable around most women now that I usually (beside the three women mentioned by name beforehand) avoid having close relationships with women. I have no idea where this feeling of self protection came from. I know my sister and I were pitted against each other like gladiators in high school for fun by family members. The one person I did trust in my formative years was an uncle (thanks Ivan). I don't relate to women well, I don't feel the need to have what other women covet. I got yelled at by Daniel because I had 2 pairs of jeans for the fall, and didn't really have the urge or feel the need to have more clothes. I have 5 pairs of shoes, and besides the need for a pair of Doc Martens for winter, I really couldn't care less about having more. I wear makeup when needful, but not every time I exit the apartment. I'm not jealous of other women, nor do I feel threatened by them. I feel mostly indifferent at best, ambivalent at worst. I sometimes feel like an outcast as a swinger because I am not bi. I have had a few bi experiences, but really didn't enjoy them as much as sex with a man.

Yes, I love men. I love the way they think. I understand that love and sex are two different things, and sex is the primary force that drives our species. I don't feel like i need a man to survive, actually, I have done pretty well on my own. I do appreciate beyond words that I have a husband who wants me to stay home, so I can work on things I have always wanted to do and never had the time. I have always had more male friends, even since grade school. I don't know how to explain it I just feel more of an affinity for the male psyche.