Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the man I have been driving crazy, and was crazy enough to marry me. I dont think Ive ever loved someone this much EVER. I miss him terribly, and miss being with him day to day. I love you baby.
Because Samhain is once again upon us, I have decided to give a sorta free education to those who have no clue about my faith, and, a refresher course for those who do. The first is the Rede of the Wiccae, whis is one of the tenets of Wicca, though it really can't be traced before Gerald Gardner in 1953 ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wiccan_Rede). This version comes from, in it's entirety, from The Wiccan Rede Project ( http://web.archive.org/web/20040415043123/www.draknetfree.com/sheathomas/ )
Rede Of The Wiccae
(Being Knowne As The Counsel Of The Wise Ones)
Submitted By Lady Gwen Thompson & Adriana Porter
First Published In Green Egg MagazineVol. III. No. 69 (Ostara 1975)
{definitions by the blogger}
Bide the Wiccan Laws ye must
In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust.
Live an’ let live - Fairly take an’ fairly give.
Cast the Circle thrice about To keep all evil spirits out.
To bind the spell every time - Let the spell be spake in rhyme.
Soft of eye an’ light of touch - Speak little, listen much.
Deosil {clockwise} go by the waxing Moon - Sing and dance the Wiccan rune.
Widdershins {counter clockwise} go when the Moon doth wane,
An’ the Werewolf howls by the dread Wolfsbane {Poisonous Medicinal Herb}.
When the Lady’s Moon is new, Kiss thy hand to Her times two.
When the Moon rides at Her peak Then your heart’s desire seek.
Heed the Northwind’s mighty gale - Lock the door and drop the sail.
When the wind comes from the South, Love will kiss thee on the mouth. When the wind blows from the East, Expect the new and set the feast. When the West wind blows o’er thee, Departed spirits restless be.
Nine woods {bonfire} in the Cauldron go - Burn them quick an’ burn them slow.
Elder be ye Lady’s tree - Burn it not or cursed ye’ll be.
When the Wheel begins to turn - Let the Beltane {May 1st} fires burn.
When the Wheel has turned a Yule {Dec. 22nd}, Light the Log an’ let Pan rule.
Heed ye flower bush an’ tree - By the Lady Blessèd Be.
Where the rippling waters go Cast a stone an’ truth ye’ll know.
When ye have need, Hearken not to others greed.
With the fool no season spend Or be counted as his friend.
Merry meet an’ merry part - Bright the cheeks an’ warm the heart.
Mind the Threefold Law ye should - Three times bad an’ three times good. When misfortune is enow, Wear the Blue Star {pentacle} on thy brow.
True in love ever be Unless thy lover’s false to thee.
Eight words ye Wiccan Rede fulfill - An’ it harm none, Do what ye will.
Duane Keiser has probably found the best marketing angle in art next to Thomas Kinkade. He is the proprietor of A Painting A Day (http://duanekeiser.blogspot.com/), an art site where he promotes and sells his card paintings he does about once a day now. I mean post card in the literal sense, 3 1/2 by 5 inch paintings and sometimes smaller. They are technically brilliant, photo realistic, and sell on eBay from no less than $100, and most times that I have seen, up to $500 to $750. He has a devoted following in the art world, and the sky seems to be the limit. He included a demo from YouTube, and I was floored on how damn easy he made it look. The painting is entitled "Candy Apple" ans ended up selling for $510 on Ebay. To see the demo, here is the link ; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rB-Qj3reFkY
This guy is my personal hero!
Well after 7 days of no period, we finally got a 4$ pregnancy test (negative). I started my period later in the day, yesterday. For the past week I haven't touched my oil paints, because I was worried about using turpenoid, and I don't have enough water soluble oils to do the job. Today I feel sick and crampy (sick from this weekend, apparently Daniel and I both caught a bug from the relations), and overly sensitive-cranky, like most menstruating women tend to be. I'm pissed off and relieved, at the same time, I'm not pregnant, which annoys the fuck out of me. I miss Daniel terribly, and he's only been gone not more than an hour. I'm unreasonably put out that Daniel told the new playmate she could sleep over most of the week if she wanted to. I KNOW nothing serious was meant by it, but hormonal women are rarely rational. We also didn't get to spend a lot of time together this weekend for one reason or another. So I'm just kinda feeling miserable, lonely, and grumbling to myself. Thanks for listening.
I have actually started looking for a playmate for during the week, although its no better than half-assed. I'm just not feeling it. I don't see usefulness of paying $30 for a month of AdultFriendFinder, because they only people on there just want to fuck. That just leaves me cold. I want someone more to sit there and talk to me, spend time with me. I want someone to hang out with and watch crazy TV or watch me paint or want to go to artsy places. It doesn't even have to be more than 2 days a week. If we end up in the sack, all well and good, but I need a intellectual connection first and foremost.
If I don't end up finding someone, Daniel will feel terrible about having a play partner in WV. I don't want him to feel that way. He deserves companionship as much as I do. HE works to pay the bills so I can stay home, He's the one who rarely has free time. I think he's more deserving than I am. I don't contribute financially to this home-he does. Not that there is no value to what I do; I just don't feel that valuable. Daniel has told me that if I don't find someone, he will stop with his play partner and have me stay in the apartment during the week up there, and come home with him on weekends. Yes, I would see him more. But, I love my nest/shell/cocoon. It would be physically hard on me to do that as well. That apartment is kinda cold, and winter is damn near here. I do not want a substitute husband- I have the only husband I will ever want or need. I would like a good friend with benefits occasionally though.
So the best thing I knew to do is update my ad on witchvox.com. That way, I'd be targeting like minds that weren't there just for sex. Let's see how it goes..updates to follow.
Well I have no excuse not to paint anymore. The house is reasonably organized. Laundry is caught up for the most part, and all I have to do is print some cards and I'm caught up with all chores. I can now concentrate on teaching myself calligraphy, and watercolors. My oils will be out too. I need a new set of water soluble oils. I really have no urge to work with turpenoid since I'm trying to get pregnant. When I actually get something that's worth being posted, Ill show it to you. If I get super ambitious, Ill do another blog just for my art.. who knows.
Today is the first day under 50 degrees F. I could have told you that it was getting colder, since I felt it from the roots of my hair to the ends of my toenails. The fibromyalgia is back for the long winter. The fact that the news is forecasting a mild winter is not a comfort. I will be in some form of discomfort until April, ranging from mild flu-like body aches, all the way to being bedridden with teeth clenching pain I can't move through. I feel like my bones are made of lead, the fatigue is so bad. I have fond memories of exercising this summer, it was wonderful. I have belly dance videos Ill be doing this winter but not every day. It is times like this I miss Key West, LOL. I'm going to be trying new vitamins and such so we will see.
Daniel and I went to a convention this past weekend for a 12 step program Daniel is a member of (I won't mention the name of it, because it has Anonymous as part of it's name). Daniel has dealt with extreme addictions in his past, and has been clean for 8 years. I have never had an addict in my family, and besides caffeine and Mythbusters, I have really never been addicted to anything personally. It's like trying to walk in someone else's shoes: you really can't. I like to tell myself I'm reasonably smart and well-read, but when dealing with what I have had no contact with in the past, I fell like a dunderhead.
So the whole day Friday, Daniel acted like a caged bear wanting to get their. Yes, he is wonderfully charming most of the time, but when he wants to get somewhere he can get a bit (understatement) cranky. I had to use my zen voice to calm him down a dozen times to keep him from going spastic. Especially in Lexington traffic; we were going down Versailles Rd just as Keeneland was letting out of its first day of the meet. However, I kept him from going into a killing rampage well enough to get us to Bardstown.
The first thing I felt when we got out of the truck was this overwhelming feeling of love and goodwill coming from all in attendance. During the process of the weekend, I don't think I had ever been hugged that much at one time in several years. Total strangers (to me) would come and hug me out of the blue, no matter the race, age or gender. There was an atmosphere of total and unconditional acceptance. All of these people had dealt with addiction, either as a recovering addict or the partner of one. Everyone was an equal to the other. I felt a complete sense of welcome, but also the feeling of being distanced because I could not share their life experience. Most of the spouses or partners of the recovered addicts there had been with them in the trenches of the illness. I had met and married Daniel at the point of being clean for several years. I did my best to be as open and attentive as possible.
Saturday was full of seminars on various topics dealing with addiction and the aspects of the program itself. There was only two I could go to, the -Anon meetings. Once again, I met wonderful people there, but only myself and another person there had met their spouse during the clean time, not the raging addiction. It did help to share my feelings of inadequacy and ignorance on how to handle situations that come up dealing with the addiction. For example, the needle pit scene in Saw II. He freaked, then dealt with it. I freaked because of seeing him freak, and not knowing what to do. Everyone at the meeting was very understanding. Between seminars, I was either cross stitching in the hospitality room, or napping ( since Daniel was so keyed up he didn't sleep at all Friday night, nor most of Saturday night).
Saturday night there was a banquet, a speaker, then an auction/dance. As I did Friday night, I went to bed when I felt the fatigue hit me, and let him alone to roam. I did this because these people were his people. They shared his experiences. It would have been a terrible injustice on my part to make him go to bed and miss this camaraderie. He thought it was very unselfish on my part, I just considered it reasonable. It was also practical, since I was rested enough to get him home on Sunday.
I hope we get to go to another convention in the future. Yes, I love swing parties. However, outings like this I think are more enriching to us both, and we need fun for the body as well as nourishment for the soul.
Daniel,
I am so very sorry for letting it seem like I lost my faith in you, and our love. It has been a hard week, with fall coming and the pain and fatigue rearing its ugly head. I have worked hard this week to finally hold my end of the housekeeping bargain up. I never want to lose you, and I know I never will. I want you to be satisfied, emotionally and physically. It was wrong for me to believe that you would leave me for anyone else. Will you forgive me for feeling fat, ugly, lonely, horny, and PMSy?
I love you,
Z
Daniel seems to have found a possible play partner in West Virginia. I have, once again, the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It feels like a mixture of slight jealousy with a pinch of inner turmoil, and a cup of self esteem issues thrown into the batter. Here is a woman who has the possibility of seeing more of my husband than I do. And, as I stated in the previous post, I have precious little trust of women in general and single ones in particular. I am well aware my baby has needs his hand just can't fulfill, and I don't have a problem with him satisfying them per se. However, there's this hot brunette with a great body who isn't married living in BFE, and here is a man who is sexy, articulate, and sexually skilled with an excellent paying job. Can you say bigger, better deal? If it was a married woman whose husband lets her play separately I wouldn't feel so icky about it.
I trust my husband. Period. I am just feeling like crap because I'm always tired, I look like hell, and I'm terrified of becoming boring to him. Trust me, you can be the sexiest woman in the world, but if you become boring, a man will go looking somewhere else. Being an escort taught me that. The fat, middle aged harpy housewife from Hell (lol say that fast 5 times), she is in the mirror staring back at me, justly or not.
Part of me thinks that maybe its time to find my own play partner. I am damn particular about who I fuck nowadays, also from being an escort. I am afraid I will get so lonely from being away from Daniel that whomever I end up playing with might become a crutch. But, it might just be the thing I need to do so Daniel can have the play partner he needs right now. As long as I have my weekend marriage, it will have to do.
I wrote about this about a year ago, and the subject rears it's ugly head again: why can't I get along with members of my own gender? Why is it that I don't, and can't, have many close female friends? As of right now, I have three: Edie, my sis Sam, and Margaret. I can tell these three anything ( well mostly, Margaret doesn't know I swing), without fear. There is something so catty, so untrustworthy about, many of the women I meet. Not that they are bad people, most are wonderful. There seems to be this feeling of cut throat competition, subversive friendliness, and mind games with many women that I simply cannot understand.
For example: there are several females in our group who don't particularly like each other, which is fine. No one person can be appealing to everyone. But at a recent party where these women happened to be in close proximity to each other, there was an undercurrent of tension, with each of them talking about the other behind their backs. Then, if they did get within talking distance of each other, they made snide remarks about the others within earshot. Why was this necessary? If I don't like some one, I avoid them. If I see them I am courteous and polite, but not snide. We had to put out the proverbial fires from a half dozen incidents from this party about this one talking about that one, this one being upset ant that one because of something that was said, etc. I am so sick of this drama I'm ready to scream!
The interesting thing is there are NO MEN causing these problems. If men don't like you they either tell you, or avoid you. No gossip, no badmouthing. I feel so uncomfortable around most women now that I usually (beside the three women mentioned by name beforehand) avoid having close relationships with women. I have no idea where this feeling of self protection came from. I know my sister and I were pitted against each other like gladiators in high school for fun by family members. The one person I did trust in my formative years was an uncle (thanks Ivan). I don't relate to women well, I don't feel the need to have what other women covet. I got yelled at by Daniel because I had 2 pairs of jeans for the fall, and didn't really have the urge or feel the need to have more clothes. I have 5 pairs of shoes, and besides the need for a pair of Doc Martens for winter, I really couldn't care less about having more. I wear makeup when needful, but not every time I exit the apartment. I'm not jealous of other women, nor do I feel threatened by them. I feel mostly indifferent at best, ambivalent at worst. I sometimes feel like an outcast as a swinger because I am not bi. I have had a few bi experiences, but really didn't enjoy them as much as sex with a man.
Yes, I love men. I love the way they think. I understand that love and sex are two different things, and sex is the primary force that drives our species. I don't feel like i need a man to survive, actually, I have done pretty well on my own. I do appreciate beyond words that I have a husband who wants me to stay home, so I can work on things I have always wanted to do and never had the time. I have always had more male friends, even since grade school. I don't know how to explain it I just feel more of an affinity for the male psyche.
I woke up yesterday thinking, in my cynical way, that I had seen just about everything human nature could throw up on society. Then, I opened up Yahoo and see the headline," Shooter goes on rampage in Amish school!"
I had to blink a few times to make sure I was seeing the words right. A shooting...at an AMISH SCHOOL!!! So I click on the link and read the story, then I turn the TV on and watch the news conference with Daniel, stunned. I'm thinking, Let me get this straight: a guy comes home from work, gets his own kids off to school, decides he's suicidal and wants to take a few with him, preferably young girls, and hits the nearest school, which happens to be an Amish school, guaranteed to have no phone or security. Then, shoots 9 of them, killing 3 instantly and himself. Three die later.
I would like to state first that it is horrible and indefensible that any child should die this way. I have a niece that is the age range these girls were (9 years old) . The fact that it's an Amish school makes it that much more horrible, because of their belief system that try to keep them away from the ills of modern society . This would be the LAST place you would figure a situation like this would happen. Can you imagine parents, trying to get to their children in hospitals states away, taking forever to get there because they morally can't fly, and barely let themselves be in cars? Then see their children in modern hospitals, with modern life support? Not only are they about to lose children, but the very fabric of their lives, their society, is rent asunder by one selfish motherfucker with guns?
This kind of nightmare is the worst kind of violation. To me, this proves that no place is safe, no children are safe. Now I know that safety is relative, and the fact that we are not in control of anything in our lives is the the only thing we can be absolutely sure of. I have a great deal of respect for the Amish culture. They only want to be left alone to practice their faith, raise their children, and live in peace. Like any of us. it will take them a very long time to recover from this. I pray to my goddess that it happens quickly.
