Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A very subtle explosion

I was really all set for depression today, as I was in 2003 and 2004. Like the previous two years, I awoke well aware of what day it was, and about what had happened 9 years before. But I felt the shift instantly. This had become like any other day. Work was as boring and mundane as it always was. I only mentioned once what today once meant to me, after seeing an engaged coworker's newly delivered wedding bands. I thought I would come home and watch the video for the first time since John died. The funny thing was I had no urge to now. Before, I was desperate to watch it, but too scared to. Instead I came home and power walked, then talked to Daniel for a long time on the phone. In the moment I listened to his voicemail I knew what had happened. I had come full circle.
John and I had two weddings, a handfasting in Sept 1995, and a legal full wedding on May 25, 1996. I always considered the former one the true anniversary, the the second one was the nightmare, overdone wedding most women want. I never thought I would reach the day where I could remember this day fondly but without a twinge of sadness. But that is indeed what happened today. I realize now that I have finished the grieving process, and a new love has entered my life. I am now more interested in the life ahead with Daniel than the live behind with John. Daniel and I have know each other for only 2 months and I am realistic enough to know that it is too soon to think about handfasting. But the potential is there, and that makes a future.


Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I don't think you are done with the greving process though. Rather I think, you are at a point in the process where in some odd way you've made peace with it. But you've grown. Again, congratulations.