Open letter to Renee Zellweger (tongue in cheek)

Dear Stupid Cunt:
What the Hell are you thinking?!? For two years you had the most sublime example of the male gender on this planet, and you threw him away. For what: cornpone country cock. Jesus woman, I would kill and maim anything or anyone in my path for 5 MINUTES with Jack White, and you dropped him like a used tampon. He is everything that is brilliant and magical, and you didn't want him. So lets break this down: you dump Heaven, then date Damien Rice for about a nanosecond. Along comes Kenny Chesney, and you up and marry the guy after only 4 months. Hmmm three men in 8 months. Smells like desperation. Hearing that biological clock ticking are we dear? 36 and never been married kinda scare you?
But that's ok..go ahead and enjoy it while it lasts. Meanwhile, Ill be dialing Satan for a chance to heal Jacks heart, Bitch.