Sunday, May 01, 2005

Beltane and an "oh Shit" moment part I

Daniel came down to spend time with me on Friday night, so he could take me and the bar set up to another Prestonsburg swing party. Mr. Cool was having domestic problems, and wanted us to take the bar on ahead in case he couldn't make it (he ended up not making it). We ended up going to Yamamoto's for dinner, since he hadn't been to a Japanese steak house in a while. Even though my asthma was killing me and I kept coughing, it was a glorious meal. It had been so very very long since I had went out with someone I had so much pent up passion and affection for. He was attentive and affectionate and funny and tender. We then went over to Mr. Cool's and sat in his hot tub in the rain with a bottle of Asti Spumanti, one of the truest romantic moments I've ever had. The rest of the night consisted of lovemaking and downloading music from my personal collection. The next day we went to the party. I sat up the bar after a few hours and the party was on. I told myself I could not be selfish with him, and I told him he was free to play with others. So he did and I bartended. I didn't feel mad or deprived at all. I was actually pleased at my open mindedness. The party was awesome and the tips were good and friends were all around. I went to our cabin after I closed the bar after 1 am, and he came up there to make sure I was ok and to neck. I told him it was fine for him to go back to the party since I was so tired. He sounded guilty I wasn't playing too, but I reminded him of why I wasn't: I was on my period, and I only really wanted to play with him by my choice. So I talked with some of our cabin mates for an hour then went to bed.

The trouble started at 6 am. I woke up to realize my friend Antoine had passed out in bed beside me and was snoring my ears off. Not Daniel. I got up and went to the other empty bed. I felt achy from the fatigue and the asthma and allergies. Then I felt it: jealousy. I was disappointed he wasn't with me, but someone else. The OH Shit moment had arrived. I knew then I was falling in love with him. And there was nothing I could do to stop it even if I wanted to. So I cried, both for the fact that I had let myself become vunerable again, and out of guilt for feeling jealous...