Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Ranting...Terri Schiavo

In 2001, I was sitting in a doctors office in Key West Florida with my husband as he went through chemotherapy. We were surrounded by other cancer patients, since Key West has only one Hemo-Oncologist (to Dr. Stephen and Mary Catherine Krathan, all my love and thanks). On the TV comes a story about Terri Schiavo's case. That opened up a huge discussion in that Chemo suite about life, death, and the quality and dignity of both. Later, at the Hospice of the Keys ( this was also the conversation at the cancer support group. The main theme was how does one die as well as one lives? And who makes that choice. All in that room were luckier than Terri Schiavo: death was not a stranger and it was always outside our door. If one of the patients in that room died, it would have been welcome and embraced, but would not have been a surprise. All were, in some way, prepared. Several friends died that year, and my husband the following year. I faced the unimaginable duty of signing the papers to have my husband taken off life support because there was no hope left. His children, brother and sister supported my choice and there was a united front looking at him when he died. But in the end, only I was the sole bearer of the responsibility of carrying out John's wishes.

It is in that way I am infuriated and sickened by the whole Terri Schiavo case. Michael Schiavo has looked at the shell of what was his wife for 15 years. He grieved her. He knew her wishes. There are some things you do not share with your parents, and who would have shared death issues with a parent at her age at that time? The Christian right is arguing about the sanctity of life, but what about the sanctity of marriage? When someone becomes incapacitated, the responsibility doesn't just fall back to the family, its the spouse who ultimately bears the burden alone. I was lucky in that my husband was a articulate man with strong opinions who was educated on life and death issues and let his wished be know to all involved. Terri Schaivo was young and to all appearances healthy, and what happened to her was a tragedy. Her parents have let that tragedy linger for 15 years. They aren't trying to save her life, they are prolonging a death that should have happened years ago. They are trying to make themselves feel less guilty by trying to convince others Terri is there and can be helped. How can any parent want their child to live in that state? No dignity, no memory, no communication. They are flying in the face of the majority of the medical profession on her condition. I cannot presume to know the pain of losing a child. But I can imagine the pain Michael Schiavo has endured for years knowing he alone is responsible to carry out what she ultimately wanted to do. Yes he could have just divorced her and walked away years ago. I am more impressed that he has stayed for years trying to keep Terri's wishes upheld. People have criticized him for having a relationship with children while she was living. Her brain quit functioning 15 years ago. He held out hope for years, and nothing. He has gone through the fire of grief, and had come out on the other side. I pose these questions to you. Would you want your husband or wife to be alone the rest of their lives grieving you? My husband didn't even want me to grieve; he simply wanted me to put his memory away and live my life, and that would honor him enough. In closing this rant I will put to you a discussion I had with my step-sons a year or so later when this case once again reared its ugly head. And I will unequivocally state it here:

If my step-sons would have tried with me concerning their dad what Terri Schiavo's is doing to her, I would have caught their heads turned and smothered him with a pillow and gone to jail with a clear conscience, knowing he would have wanted to die rather than live without dignity.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Rockers Party..The myth-the legend-the reality.

Last night was the first Rockers party I had ever attended. Rockers is a huge swing club in the central Kentucky area. I went with Mr. Cool and his shack up. The Continental Inn was sold out with the Rockers, Sweet 16 basketball tourney, and other parties. The Continental Inn is the place in town where if it happens there, it stays there sort of place. I was wearing the same little short Kleenex thin black dress I always wear, and was instructed to look for business if it stumbled upon me. We got there and the place was full of about 250-300 semi dressed people of all shapes sizes and colors. The bar was expensive and people were groping anything that moved. I walked around to find members of our personal club to tell them Mr. Cool was there, seeing that he doesn't get out much. Kept bumping into the same guy, and I hadn't met him previously. He was hot though so I kept an eye out for him.

Its kinda fun to look at all the different people there. If you have a body issue, a swing party in general, and Rockers in particular, isn't the place to have them. There were women there that would make three of me, gloriously naked and enjoying. It was rather reassuring. So I made a few loops of the party, catching the UK score on my way around the conference room. LOL even an impending orgy can't stop diehard Cats fans: in Kentucky, basketball waits for no one. I kept stopping in checking on Mr. Cool to make sure he was ok. Soon I was talking to the cute guy who happened to end up where I was a lot. He was a fellow witch, and said he thought I was 23, which always puts you in my good graces. So finally he came out and said he wanted to play. It came down to the same thing that always happens at the parties. I'm supposed to work them and I end up playing for free, always to my benefit. So I told him to go ask Mr. Cool, then went to his room, for an hour of incredible sex. I had gotten a hold of another man who thought I was a goddess and gave me all he had.

This always seems to happen when I'm depressed too. I was having feelings of inadequacy be cause I don't think I have the looks for being an escort. Then, the Goddess provides a really cool guy to prop my ego up..Thank you Mother. After some cuddling he left ahead of me cause I had to go by our room to fix makeup. On the way back was stopped by a drunk basketball guy wanting to go to my room. LOL I told him how much and he wandered off. I got back and sat with the new guy and some friends we had in common, then decided to go back to my room this time, for another hour of mind blowingly hot sex. He left when Mr.Cool and the shack up wanted to go to bed (IE FUCK). I opened the door and there stood another basketball guy wanting some, he just happened to be walking by. I sent him on his way lol. The rest of the night was spent laying there as eye candy for Mr. Cool so he could stay hard to fuck the shack up. He did give me a new sex toy though. A girl can never have enough vibrators....

So this is my assessment of Rockers: I like our club better. Granted I would have never met this really cool guy at our small parties, but ours is a bit classier. We actually socialize for a few hours before going off in our groups to play. At Rockers, you can fuck in front of God and everyone in the middle of the main party. I found it amusing, but kind of tacky. I've also come to the conclusion that I will make no money at these things unless Mr. Cool or myself set them up before hand.

Saturday, March 19, 2005


I was doing my usual cruise through, and stumbled across Doug's add. Now for you really long suffering readers, Doug was my first foray into BDSM last year. I hadn't seen him in almost a year. And sure enough, jus when I had been thinking about him, there he was on ALT. I sent him a message and not 20 minutes later he was on Yahoo messenger talking with me. It seemed that we had separated because of a big breakdown in communication, not because of anything we had done in particular. This was Thursday, and we met up again last night. It was joyous.
There is something in the Dom/sub relationship that is very primal. It strikes a deep chord in me about a man wanting me in that deep a way. We smoked a joint, then went into his bedroom for a few hours of flogging and deep sex. I haven't came that deeply in a long time. Afterwards, we had a stoned munchie attack and watched some of the NCAA tourney. Then slept for 10 hours. I didn't tell him about turning tricks, or the attack. It was enough that I had a very deep personal need filled. Thanks Doug.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Week of firsts part III..Or Whoredom revisited..

Remember a few weeks ago when I had a brush with prostitution with a 50$ blowjob? Well I decided that instead of brushing up against it I would do a full contact collision with it. Had a guy come over and had pretty decent sex for an hour. And for that much exertion, I got 140$ for my time. This is the kind of money engineers and lawyers make. I have never made that kind of money, and that is what I make in a day and a half of work at the day job.
I think this goes back to being a ugly teenager. I saw all these girls I went to high school with go on dates and get treated to nice things because they were beautiful. It took me years to realize I have my own beauty. I have a certain charm men seem to like. And this is a statement you can take to the bank: IF MEN ARE WILLING TO PAY FOR SOMETHING I ENJOY GIVING AWAY FOR FREE, BY THE GODDESS I'M GOING TO DO IT. And, Im not falling for some of this ethics bullshit Im getting from a few of my guy friends. Men will screw one way or the other. And if this keeps me from eating PB and J for a week after I pay my rent, so fucking be it.

Week of firsts part II

I was going to start this post like this:
"Ever had something weird happen to you on a bed in the middle of 4 or 5 people having sex?"
Since to most that is weird, I need a new approach. So, here it goes:
Ever been in the middle of a bed with 4 or 5 people having sex and look down and realize the person going down on you isn't the gender you thought they were? LOL Last Saturday night, there I was at another swing party. We were all on the bed in a puppy pile and my eyes are closed. Someone starts eating me out. I had been fooling around with a guy so I thought it was him. It starts getting really really good so I go to put my hair in their hair..and it wasn't who I thought it was. It was a female party goer. I had two choices: freak or just go with it. I chose the latter. And I came. This female knows I'm not bi, meaning I'm not eating pussy, sorry. But I am philosophical about the situation. A tongue is a tongue, and if they want to eat me, hell Ill let them. I'm not about to shave my head and buy a Subaru and become butch, but it was a interesting experience.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Week of firsts part I.

This past week has been rather bipolar with different things in my life swinging in all directions. I've been told at work they want me gone as much as I want to be gone. My latest painting is stalled. However, sexually things kinda rocked. Wednesday I got an IM from a guy I've been talking to for a few months. I had never met him so I said sure, come over. I was shocked at what stood at my door. He was adorable,19 years old with light blue ( he says green :P) eyes and dark brown hair. I knew he was a virgin from an earlier post. So he came in and started an evening of so much fun. He was so playful and unexpected. We talked about witchcraft and metaphysics and sex and the world. And we wrestled and ticked and kissed. I never had any experience with teenage boys even when I was a teenager because I was such a nerd. This was what I wished I had experienced when I was 18. And of course talking and wrestling turned to kissing and necking...and cherry popping. I think he learned a lot. I know I did.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

hmm a walk on the wild side

"Fly by night, away from here
Change my life again
Fly by night goodbye my dear
My ship isn't coming and I just can't pretend"

--Rush--"Fly By Night"

I have decided I want to dye my hair blue. And I'm not speaking about baby blue I'm talking shocking electric blue. I want to go completely nuts with my hair. I've done it before, I shaved it shiny 2 years ago. Now my hair is long and red and I wish I could just go for it and dye it all blue. This isn't all about my hair. This has more to do with lifestyle. I wish I was in a place in my life where I could be so creative as to do something so dramatic and not have negative repercussions: for example, getting fired. I'm trapped. I'm going nowhere. Like my friend said...I'm a bobbing cork down a stream going in a general direction with know idea how to get there any faster. This is all tied into the current existential funk and I should just drink a soda and go to be and dream of a place and time I can have blue hair and wear Doc Maartens.

Last nights party

Well I survived another swing party. I was co-hostessing this one. Including me, there were 2 men and 5 women. So what did I do? Got stoned and drunk and kept the younger of the two all to myself, and used him to the point where noone else got any from him...Im such a thoughtful hostess.LOL

Friday, March 04, 2005

Self Loathing...How interesting....

At the end of this average ho hum work week, I'm in the strangest mood. I suppose I'm still feeling the after effects of the flu, with a lot more fatigue then I usually have. I didn't run tonight after the scary incident at the gym Wednesday, with heart palps. So I feel like a lazy slug. There's a swing party tomorrow night, and I'm only half heartedly looking forward to. It seems that I've been overtaken by a feeling of Blah Ick Yuck, or otherwise known as Existential Funk. Longtime readers will be familiar with this state of mind in me. It happens every so often, like a toothache or low grade fever. Nothing satisfies me in this state. When this frame of mind sets in my art sucks, my body image is terrible and I just have a general sense that I would sell my soul to be anywhere or anyone else than I am now. There's been a lot of life stuff creeping into my mind. BDSM is starting to look attractive to me now. I'm scared to death about art school, since I have turned in all the required paperwork-my fate is sealed. The ex BF that assaulted me also reared his ugly head this week.
He called me a few days ago, all friendly and wanting to talk, and probing into my business. He has always wanted to read this blog, but I have never given him the address because this is the one place he cannot force himself. So besides the drama he inflicts, he has no idea about what my life truly is anymore: Mr. Cool, swinging, art. Especially the swinging. He has always had this attitude that I should be faithful to him no matter what state of together or untogetherness we are. So he called, and asked me what I had been up to. This turned into a case of be careful what you ask for....cause I told him everything. He got to hear all about Mr. Cool and what I did at the parties. He then started in on the why-are-you-doing-this-to-ME-I-still-love-you bullshit. He wanted to see me this weekend, I told him only if I didn't have a party to go to, which I do. So he's all well its cool. Then I get an email the next day:

"last night when we were on the phone you said
something that made me stop and think, and when I went
to bed it made me realize something......we were
talking about getting together one night and just
hanging out and watching tv and shit and you said
something along the lines like "i'll have to see if
there's a party scheduled...." and it made me realize
that you don't seem to have time for the people who
care about's a shame when I almost have to
make an appointment.....and you also said something
last time I saw you that you hadn't had sex w/anyone
since psycho boy {Mr.Cool}in january, but yet last night you
admitted that everytime you went to one of those
parties you got laid, and I know that you've been to
several since january and before I came over there it
made me realize that you have become exactly what we used to joke about
Julie {a mutual friend} being, someone who sleeps w/whom ever comes along, and even
though I told you that I don't agree w/what you're doing, you seemed to have
brushed it may call these people "friends" now, but last
night I don't think that any of them offered to give you a heater of
anything to keep you warm, and that one day you may meet the wrong
person and it won't be pretty......I guess that what i'm trying to say
is that if this is how you want to live, then I don't want any part of
it, and I know you're going to say that it's your life, then i'll leave
you to live your life the way you want to and that i'll kindly step out
of it because I don't want to be filler for the empty portions that you
feel in your life"

If I had know this is what it took to get him out of my life, I would have told him all this 6 months ago! I thought this was typical for him: he sexually assaults me and I'm the bad guy. He will call me again in 6 months, just watch. He has no clue that when he sodomized me that any love I had left for him died at the moment of penetration. But I think this is the stem of the existential funk. I actually feel deep in my marrow he's out of my life and I'm free again emotionally. Its a scary wonderful creepy feeling. I'm a big believer in self responsibility, and now I have more responsibility for myself than ever. This is probably why I started looking at the BDSM sites again. I feel the need to let some of this off my shoulders by being a sub again. Witches believe that life is all about circles, large and small ,and the wheel of my life like the wheel of time and space, has twirled again.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Poetry Alert!

This was given to me today in an email:

whatever happens
to the world around
show me your purpose
show me your source

even if the world
is Godless and in chaos
show me your anchor
show me your love

if there is hunger
if there is famine
show me your harvest
show me your resource

if life is bitter
everywhere snakes everywhere poison
show me your garden
show me your meadow

if the sun and the moon fall
if darkness rules the world
show me your light
show me your flame

if I have no mouth
or tongue to utter
words of your secrets
show me your fountain

I'll keep silence
how can I express
your life when mine
still is untold

-- Rumi, translated by Nader Khalili

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Z's Horoscope for this week 03/02/2005

CANCER (June 21-July 22): 'The average river requires a million years
to move a grain of sand one hundred miles,'says science writer James
Trefil. The work you've been doing on yourself these past two years,
Cancerian, must sometimes have seemed as maddeningly gradual.The
good news is that you are now in the last few months of this slow-motion, long-term project. If you can sustain your focus, you'll finish up around your birthday, having created such a strong inner sense of sanctuary that you will forever after be able to feel at home in the world no matter where you are."