Friday, March 04, 2005

Self Loathing...How interesting....

At the end of this average ho hum work week, I'm in the strangest mood. I suppose I'm still feeling the after effects of the flu, with a lot more fatigue then I usually have. I didn't run tonight after the scary incident at the gym Wednesday, with heart palps. So I feel like a lazy slug. There's a swing party tomorrow night, and I'm only half heartedly looking forward to. It seems that I've been overtaken by a feeling of Blah Ick Yuck, or otherwise known as Existential Funk. Longtime readers will be familiar with this state of mind in me. It happens every so often, like a toothache or low grade fever. Nothing satisfies me in this state. When this frame of mind sets in my art sucks, my body image is terrible and I just have a general sense that I would sell my soul to be anywhere or anyone else than I am now. There's been a lot of life stuff creeping into my mind. BDSM is starting to look attractive to me now. I'm scared to death about art school, since I have turned in all the required paperwork-my fate is sealed. The ex BF that assaulted me also reared his ugly head this week.
He called me a few days ago, all friendly and wanting to talk, and probing into my business. He has always wanted to read this blog, but I have never given him the address because this is the one place he cannot force himself. So besides the drama he inflicts, he has no idea about what my life truly is anymore: Mr. Cool, swinging, art. Especially the swinging. He has always had this attitude that I should be faithful to him no matter what state of together or untogetherness we are. So he called, and asked me what I had been up to. This turned into a case of be careful what you ask for....cause I told him everything. He got to hear all about Mr. Cool and what I did at the parties. He then started in on the why-are-you-doing-this-to-ME-I-still-love-you bullshit. He wanted to see me this weekend, I told him only if I didn't have a party to go to, which I do. So he's all well its cool. Then I get an email the next day:

"last night when we were on the phone you said
something that made me stop and think, and when I went
to bed it made me realize something......we were
talking about getting together one night and just
hanging out and watching tv and shit and you said
something along the lines like "i'll have to see if
there's a party scheduled...." and it made me realize
that you don't seem to have time for the people who
care about's a shame when I almost have to
make an appointment.....and you also said something
last time I saw you that you hadn't had sex w/anyone
since psycho boy {Mr.Cool}in january, but yet last night you
admitted that everytime you went to one of those
parties you got laid, and I know that you've been to
several since january and before I came over there it
made me realize that you have become exactly what we used to joke about
Julie {a mutual friend} being, someone who sleeps w/whom ever comes along, and even
though I told you that I don't agree w/what you're doing, you seemed to have
brushed it may call these people "friends" now, but last
night I don't think that any of them offered to give you a heater of
anything to keep you warm, and that one day you may meet the wrong
person and it won't be pretty......I guess that what i'm trying to say
is that if this is how you want to live, then I don't want any part of
it, and I know you're going to say that it's your life, then i'll leave
you to live your life the way you want to and that i'll kindly step out
of it because I don't want to be filler for the empty portions that you
feel in your life"

If I had know this is what it took to get him out of my life, I would have told him all this 6 months ago! I thought this was typical for him: he sexually assaults me and I'm the bad guy. He will call me again in 6 months, just watch. He has no clue that when he sodomized me that any love I had left for him died at the moment of penetration. But I think this is the stem of the existential funk. I actually feel deep in my marrow he's out of my life and I'm free again emotionally. Its a scary wonderful creepy feeling. I'm a big believer in self responsibility, and now I have more responsibility for myself than ever. This is probably why I started looking at the BDSM sites again. I feel the need to let some of this off my shoulders by being a sub again. Witches believe that life is all about circles, large and small ,and the wheel of my life like the wheel of time and space, has twirled again.