Friday, September 09, 2005

3 years...Letter to a dead man.

Dearest John,
At 12:23PM today, it will have been three years since you have been gone. I am not the same woman you married, and I don't even know if you would like the woman I am now, much less love her. I have learned in your absence how low I can go, and how very base I can be. I have learned how to lie, cheat and steal very very well. I have sunk into the very pit of ugliness the human soul can dive to. And yet....

I have learned that pride is a very useless, trite thing, and that if I want to be generous, I need to let others be too. I have learned how to make less go way more. I have discovered I am a good artist. I have made very deep, loyal friends who love and respect me, despite the numerous flaws. I have discovered I am beautiful despite all the things I tell myself to the contrary, just like you said. And like you told me, I have survived your passing. I have survived it, not with the grace I would have liked, but I have.

As you also have said, I have moved on with my life. You would like Daniel, he is a wonderful man. He's not as jealous as you were, but just as kind and generous. He's also younger than I, which probably makes you laugh. We plan to marry and have children and plan a life together. It was marriage with you that prepared me for this new life, never forget that.

So I get ready to spend the day with Daniel, know that even though the distance in time keeps growing, you are always as close as a thought.



KR said...

The past year we've been through a lot, you and I. We've done a lot of growing, and been wrapped up in our pain and suffering and self-imposed loneliness, but we have good people in our lives, don;t we? Good people who have shown us that love isn't just about appearances, its about being there. Especially for yourself. Remembering how low you were at the beginning of the year, remembering how concerned I was for you, reading this entry is like--watching you hang fresh clean laundry out to dry. Free, Zezrie. Whether you realize it or not, you are free. I'd like to thank you, on behalf of yourself, for letting yourself love Daniel. *tearful kiss*