Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Communication breakdown Saturday night part 3

*CAVEAT: some of the next part of the story I am remembering the best way I can, I was really upset and tired and hurting when the next part happened, so I will try to be as exact as possible, in the name of fairness*

Sometime about 11PM, Daniel walked up to me and wrapped his arms around me and asked me if I was ok with the whole situation. Um....I started shaking and the first tears rolled. So we walked back to our room and closed the door and the sobbing began, And I let spew forth as much as I could make coherent between sobs. I told him my fears about the lady, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea to propose to me and still play. So he said that's fine, Ill propose another time. That made it worse, because I wanted to be proposed to that night. It finally broke down to him saying I didn't want to be in the lifestyle anymore because I never played at parties anymore, and that him playing made him look like an ass (see previous posts). That in turn made me feel even more shitty and the crying got worse. The he asked me if I even wanted him to play with this lady. I couldn't answer him, he took it as no and walked out to tell her. That pretty much finished me for the night. I tried to finish bartending but I couldn't I was crying so hard. I was so hurt and miserable. Wayne, my friend and partner in the bar, took over while I went back to a back room to try to calm down. I was hurt that she was there in the first place, hurt that he didn't truly understand what I was thinking and trying to tell him concerning her. I was frustrated that I couldn't make him understand the pain of the withdrawal was making the emotions worse. I felt I FELT LIKE A HYSTERICAL, JEALOUS SHREW THAT WAS BEING A BIG BABY. A bit later he came back to the room and held me so I calmed down enough to wash up and go to sleep. He came to bed and we made love and I felt safe again.

I know that most of the problems was a lack of communication on my part, as well as my perception being skewered. Daniel has asked me to talk to this lady, and I have. We have never said a cross word to each other. And I won't tell him he can't play with her, that is his decision. Al I wanted was to have my concerns acknowledged, and he has. Now what happens, happens. I love this man and I just want to protect him from all things that can harm him or our relationship. However, I can't go too far, or the only threat to our future will be me. But, I won't quit listening to my intuition, it has protected me and has worked. So we shall see. He is moving here to be with me, we want to get married and we will. We want to have children, and we will. And (this is for you Daniel) I want to reaffirm my belief in this lifestyle. Swinging is respect and freedom and I am committed to staying in it, contrary to my recent behavior that may be seen as otherwise. All I need is to get through this transition, and all will be better.