Monday, September 19, 2005

This is getting old..The medwars and how they fuck up everything

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
-- Unknown --

This quote made me laugh, it was so true. Since I haven't posted for so long, most are out of the loop about my antidepressant situation. Simply, and as they are wont to do, my Wellbutrin quit working. This happens periodically, as my long time readers will know, happened about this time last year. Last year, there was no alternative meds available, so I had to go off the meds then restart them after a month. That was not a pleasant experience. This year, a new med called Cymbalta has been released that helps with depression AND fibromyalgia pain. WOO HOO! However, the same shitty experience has to be dealt with: tapering off the Wellbutrin. Even though it had quit working, it still hurts like hell to slowly wean ones self away. Now I can't even begin to dare to presume how horrible it is to withdrawal from other drugs, but antidepressants are pretty bad enough.

For one, your judgment is skewered. I am a walking, open seeping wound. The least remark, the most minor things annoy the hell out of me at best, tear my heart out at the worst. My poor baby Daniel is having to deal with this. All the things that meant nothing to me a month ago are now ripping at me. The biggest thing: sex. This is how I first could tell I was maxing out the Wellbutrin, I had lost interest in having sex with others who I wasn't well acquainted with first. This has effectively shut down the escort business, and that really doesn't break my heart any. It makes swing parties miserable as well, for two reasons: I don't feel like playing and that makes me feel guilty for letting Daniel down, and makes Daniel feel guilty for playing even though I have told him to do so. I just don't want anyone who isn't very close to me to touch me. No one new interests me. There are couples that only swap with other couples, and I don't feel like wanting a strange man to touch me, so that effectively knocks Daniel out of playing. This isn't putting too much of a strain on us so far, but it hurts me deeply to disappoint him.

Phobias that tend never be in my nature surface when I'm either maxing out of meds or tapering.
The updated list:
Anything new- Neophobia
being severely criticized- Rhabdophobia
Crowds -Enochlophobia, Demophobia or Ochlophobia
Noises, loud- Ligyrophobia
Places, crowded public- Agoraphobia
Strangers - Xenophobia
This normally will right itself when the new meds....but my patience wears thin. I just have to maintain until I have righted myself again and hope I don't drive Daniel away in the process.


Anonymous said...

You are a sad, sad person. I feel bad for Daniel as well. I'd read more of your blog, but it is my nature to feel sympathy for really screwed-up people, and I suspect that my sympathies would be wasted on you.

angelkisses said...

I know this is an older post but I feel that I need to reply to a comment that was left,First of all depression can hit anyone at any time so dont be degrading a person because of the way their health is and the sympathies you didnt want to waste on the comment may some day be needed for yourself,you never know what type of situation your going to end up i n.To be so harsh to someone is just unreal.If you were such a normal person who has the perfect life, why didnt you sign your name instead of going as anonymous?? Tab your a sweet person and I know you and Daniel will be very happy with each other.I dont see him giving up on you in any situation, good nor bad.Just keep your faith and your love will grow stong right along with it.Love ya gurl!-CLARA