Sunday, June 19, 2005

Omens good or bad?

It has been 19 days since I posted...LOL it sounds like the beginning of a confessional. I do consider this blog as a confessional of sorts, to allow the world to judge me honestly. Here I am, think what you will. I am 33 years old, and not really comfortable with he fact I'm turning 34 soon. Something happened, however, to change my outlook on aging.

I had a vision last night as I was getting ready for the swing party Daniel and I was attending. I saw a woman with deeply etched lines in her face, starting at her eyes. Those eyes were full of hope, even when shrouded with age. My hair was graying but still long. I was not unattractive. I had made a comment the previous day to Daniel, after he met my mother, that I hoped to age as well as she has. The vision only lasted seconds, maybe less. But it was long enough to scare me, and in a strange way comfort me.

I am a great believer in the powers that cannot be seen ( Goddess is the name I call it.). A week before my husband went into the ICU to die. I was walking home from a night shift at the university telephone center. I knew I had to rush home, shower, rush back to the cancer center, and tend to John's needs before I could sleep. I never really slept much at that point. Anyway, as I approached the corner of Washington and S.Limestone, a huge branch crashed out of a tree maybe 10 feet in front of me. Pieces of the bark hit my leg but I wasn't hurt, just very awake and scared. I stayed long enough to call the campus police to block off the street to clean it up, then started the walk home. It was then I noticed I wasn't alone. A huge flock of crows, as black as ink, were following me home. They would fly a block in front of me, land, and wait for me to catch up, then would take off again to repeat this over and over till I was home. I was so stunned from the tree branch, the the cloud of crows, that I didn't put the pieces together until I was in the shower. Crows are a omen of death. The were right in front of me, but slightly out of reach, and would always allow me to catch up. The tree branch was a wakeup call, the crows were telling me what was coming. I realized right then that John was never going to be well again, even though at that very moment he was responding to treatment. It was the Goddesses way of telling me to pay attention cause time was short.

I am grateful for the vision last night. It tells me I will be an old woman who has not given in to cynicism, and still believes in hope. I can deal with aging knowing that.


Clint said...

Omens ... an interesting period of history for those.

I have omens of my own, of course ... not of the type you have, but of my own making. I live by my own type of intuition, which I think is in its own way from the same realm as yours. I know what is coming as well as you do, and it scares me some times.

But it'sgood that you can find something in your omens to give you peace, confidence, to let you know that in at least some way, all will be well.

I'm glad your life has taken the turn it has in recent weeks. I'm glad to know you've found this companionship you always deserved. I wish you the very best in this.


KR said...

On Tuesday, Jan 11, 2005, Zezrie wrote in her blog:
I am yearning for a certain man. A very very specific one. A man who is full of magic and energy and innocence. One who loves with every pore and cell he has. Passion as deep and wide and fathomless as the sea. He opens his mouth and poetry and jazz pours forth. This man is in my very deepest soul. I can taste him in my mouth and smell him on my clothes. I feel his skin holding mine. I read his words and cry and rejoice. I strain to hear his voice on every memory of sound. I ache for another soul I will never have...

Were you wrong? Did you find it, sweetie?

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KR said...

Post again, already!
How the hell are you?