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Friday, June 03, 2005

Guilt

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end"
Semisonic-1998


I'm feeling a huge amount of guilt about Mr. Cool. This man is offering to sell some of his property to send me to college. He loves me and has for months. And I do love him, but not in the way I used to. I am desperately in love with Daniel. Yet I cant tell him that. Nor can I tell him that I love him differently now. I feel stuck. Daniel knows this dilemma, and tries to comfort me. This is the core of my funk right now. I feel like I'm using Mr. Cool for school money, but I genuinely love him. And yet, I cant have a future with him. I cant have a baby with him. And under no circumstances can I take care of another dying man. I was devastated when John died. I cannot psychically survive another life experience like that. I know that our lives are not guaranteed, but the likelihood of Mr. Cool dying sooner rather than later is better than average. I just don't know what to do.

2 comments:

KR said...

1991 I was accepted to Smith college. I had the scholarship, I had the grants. I worked my ass off. Mid-August came around and I was short for my contribution. I panicked. My boyfriend at the time talked to his Grandparents. His Grandfather called me, asked me how much I needed. I refused to tell him. He wrote me a check anyway. I refused to cash it. He mailed it to the college and didn't tell me. I opened the dreaded invoice and saw that my tuition and fees were paid in full and I had a $1500.00 credit to use toward books and other incidentals. I asked him why he did it. He said I was a good investment. I told him I did not think Mark and I would marry. He said it didn't matter. He said he was in a position to make a difference in my life, and he had no expectations regarding me except that I do the same for someone else one day.

If Mr Cool wants to help you, no strings attached, accept his help. Some day, you can pay him back, or you can help someone else. Its really that simple.

Herb.. u know who I am said...

i understand ur quandery and i belive that u will make the corect decision. it is yours alone to make. i have only meet u one time and talked some on the net, but i feel that i do know some about u. and u are a very smart and capable woman. i have all the confidence in the world in u. dont let this world get u down hold ur head up walk tall and kick the shit out of any one who gets in your way. be ur own woman and follow ur heart, but use the commen sence that u have not to get ur self over the edge too far... living on the edge is the place to be all the time it keeps u sharp.. just balance it... iv fallen over the edge a few time... u can recover.. so let go live some and do what u need to get where u need to go.. even if u have to push the limits...

take care my lovley, sexy friend..
herb ur admirer...