Sunday, January 02, 2005

Ok some thoughts about a lifestyle correction.

I had a surreal New Years party. It was one of the swing parties I go to, and I was a hostess being the social butterfly. Got really drunk really fast and stoned by ball dropping time. I found out that apparently the new social etiquette for "Wanna Fuck" is a buck ass naked guy standing over you rattling a condom wrapper. And for the upteenth time at one of these parties, no orgasm. Oh don't misunderstand, there was a lot of pleasure, but I just couldn't cum. Then, after having a huge orgasm at home with the new sex toy, I actually took time to ponder something a friend asked me that I had no answer for at the time, "which is better, BDSM or Swinging?" Both supplied for me outlets to my sexual curiosity. Both have been huge learning experiences about myself. So I asked the friend to clarify the question, and he meant, quite literally, which produced the most orgasms. That was an easy answer, BDSM. But the answer did leave me wondering why. And after analyzing, I came up with an answer of my own: Intimacy.

In BDSM, you absolutely must have a partner you trust implicitly. If you don't know someone, you really shouldn't let them hog tie you to the bed. You must trust them to respect your limits, or gently push them. The Dom ( or Domme if she's female) and the sub have to dance an exquisitely intricate dance to get it right. Oh, but when you do the results are incredible. I learned more about my sexuality in the 4 months I had a dom than I had the past years of my life. I realized how free you can be if you just let go. Letting go frees you from the absolute shit and stress you have, because for that little while, you do not have to make a decision, or think. You do what you are told.

Now swinging has taught me lessons about myself as well. It has freed me of a great deal of my body issues. If you are on a bed with 7 other naked people, all body types are represented. No reason for shyness. It also taught me a lot about some marriages. It is a bit strange having sex with a married guy with his wife either watching or having sex with someone else nearby. However it is cool to watch a married couple make love to each other, cause you can see the level of intimacy that the years have built. They know where each sweet spot is on their bodies, where to touch and not. We had a strip contest at the party and no one stripped by themselves; they all striped as couples. Its easy to do if someone you know that well is up there with you. I stripped as well (going back to the body issue thing) with Mr. Cool, and it was fun but awkward cause we didn't know the way to move with each other. The married couples certainly did.

Both BDSM and Swinging have their bad spots. I didn't particularly enjoy the humiliation part of BDSM, since I had too many years of therapy to belittle myself for someone else. The pain aspect wasn't fun at times either. With swinging, you normally end up with a partner who has no idea what you like, or how to touch. Its like the first time with a boyfriend ALL the time. I wont lie-I had two partners on New Years. Both passionate, both fairly good. One was a different race, a first for me. But they both liked fingering, which I don't and had to remind them of a few times ( it hurts unless done properly, which it rarely is, but that's a personal preference) but I didn't seem to get through. I woke up that morning after 2 hrs of sleep with a hangover, which is usual. What wasn't was the overwhelming emptiness I felt inside. I wanted to chalk it up to several factors: the hangover, stuff going on with Mr. Cool, and the fact I loath New Years Day worse than Christmas but not as much as Valentines Day. I was PMSing and worried about shit going on existentially. But I boiled it down to the fact that as all things that catch my interest sexually usually run their course. And maybe Swinging has too.

Intimacy is not something I've had in many a moon. There is just something about having one person that shares individual sexual experiences with you than no one else knows about. Its like a secret you share and the world has to but out. I have two bed buddy relationships I have this with to a degree. I don't see either of them regularly. Once a month for each, and I do things with each that I do with no one else. These are the only lovers I have allowed into my private batcave ( apartment) in months. Each one I am a different kind of lover with. The problem is that I don't see either regularly enough to build the degree of intimacy I think I am starting to need. So this might be another new years thing to add to the list: find more consistent lover, one that doesn't smother but I see more often. As for swinging, I might go to one more party, maybe two to confirm my decision that I'm over it. Who knows.....