Wednesday, January 26, 2005


Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary has this entry for this word:

Main Entry:3 rape
Function: noun
1 : an act or instance of robbing or despoiling or carrying away a person by force
2 : unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent.

Main Entry: acquaintance rape
Function: noun
1: rape committed by someone known to the victim

I am always wondering how words pertain to, and define us as humans and individual souls. The English Language has over 100,000 words so I'm told, and a word for every thing and experience. My dilemma is that cannot discern if the above words pertain to or define what I have experienced. And if they do, how do I keep it from defining me?
Someone who I have had an off and on relationship for two years came over on Sunday. I had not talked to this individual in several months, and out of the blue he calls. He's leaving the train wreck he was living with, and had got his ex-wife to take him back. I was happy for him. First call was at noon, second call at 3:30. He wants to come over. I had a late xmas gift for him. So he comes over. We lay there watching football, I rub his back since he had worked that morning. We begin to kiss and touch. He whispers something in my ear about not doing something to me before. I'm half undressed, and he flipped me over. Then he tried to start anal sex, which he knows I don't like (mainly because of him in the first place). I tell him no, not interested. He does it anyway...

I really don't know how long this took, sort of blurry. I remember being flipped over after it seemed like 15 minutes of hard anal, legs up, him inside me the normal way a few strokes, then him pulling out and cumming on my belly. He kissed me, got up to go wash. I just laid there. He brought me a clean towel to clean up with and all I could think about was not wanting to ruin the towel for some reason. I told him no, I would go shower. And I did get up and walked to the bathroom. I was very shaky. I showered. I went back to the bed he was flipping channels. He laid beside me for about a half hour, and we talked. I remember talking, but not what I said. I even laughed I think. Then I walked him to the door. He kissed me goodbye, and left. I do remember he kept asking me if I was ok. And I kept saying yes I was. I was numb.

I've been numb all week. My boss gave me hell today, and I normally cry. I just was a blank. I donated blood. I worked out Monday and Tuesday even though I was so very very sore. I've told only three friends about this, two guys and a girl. The word rape came up all three times. And yet, I cant call it that. Why not? I was held down, I said no and kept saying no. He didn't stop. I keep using the word forced. I will not press charges. I have a submissive nature. Does my mind think I wanted it? Do I think that the word rape conjures up stalking and raping in back corners? Or do I know deep in my heart that if I acknowledge this word that I will freak? I'm already the posterchild for burned out depression. I know that unless I scraped the cum off and saved it I still couldn't prove it since I didn't fight or scream or call the cops right after. It would make life at a difficult job impossible. And then it comes down to being defined: "rape VICTIM" I get riled by that. I am no victim. I simply think I do not want to be defined by this so I'm numbing up. Will be interesting to see what happens If I do start feeling.