Wednesday, June 23, 2004

A good day

It amazes me how a day can start completely in the toilet and then redeem itself before sundown. The existence of once again another woman in Dan's life had me questioning my own desirability. Also, I was pondering the use of all the changes in my life, if they were worth the trouble. Distinguished job (though it's not what I want to do really), 60 lbs lost, and some semblance of balance has entered my life, sans a trustworthy lover. Thus, I was not in a good mood this morning. The work day was seamless enough, though busy as usual
(I work for a university graduate school). Then the cardiologist's appointment was upon me. Though I am a runner, I have heart palpitations and was worried. I got a confirmation that yes, I do have a heart beat problem, but I wasn't going to die for another 50 years. So I walked out of the doctor's office and looked down the street, where a previous lover owns a business. I had not seen Mark in about a year, and then I was a bald (I shaved my head), grieving basket case. An urge to see him just propelled me down the street. The look of delighted astonishment on his face when I walked in was worth all the crap I have endured this week. Now I am much thinner, my hair is on my shoulders, and my confidence is back. On my way home I had this thought: my life is good, I like my solitude, and a lover meant for me will come across my path sooner rather than later. The run tonight was fabulous, and the runner's high on top of the feel good ending to the day reconfirmed that all the lessons learned, pain endured, and humiliation has been worth it. I feel capable of going through the transition of moving away from Dan and to a better place with someone I deserve.

"I'm only waiting for the proper time to tell you
That its impossible to get along with you
Its hard to look you in the face when we are talking
So it helps to have a mirror in the room
I've not been really looking forward to the performance
But there's my cue and there's a question on your face
Fortunately I have come across an answer
Which is go away
And do not leave a trace"