yearning

The moon is almost half full. I'm staring at it through my window, listening to george carlin and pondering yearning. It has plagued me all week, a yearning for something, anything to make me feel. I often get these flights of dissatisfaction. There was a time I moved cross country on a whim and a weeks notice, with little money and no plans. I had a like minded Gypsy partner then who was just as fly by the seat of the pants as I was. Now that he has taken The Great Trip (death), I have seemed to have lost my verve. Now I sit waiting to go to bed to start the road to hell afresh tomorrow (the Desk Job). This is why I yearn: I have had it more exciting and can't seem to find my way back. I yearn for the time to pursue my art. I crave travel. Especially I crave jack. Maybe because he is freedom, or represents it. I want to be the little bohemian girl again, and it will take a grand statement to do it. It will take an act of courage or bravery so profound, or so stupid, to cause a seismic rift. All I need to find is the door. The night is ripe for a talk with Hecate to send in some Chaos to stir things up.

My fantasy self 

A good day

It amazes me how a day can start completely in the toilet and then redeem itself before sundown. The existence of once again another woman in Dan's life had me questioning my own desirability. Also, I was pondering the use of all the changes in my life, if they were worth the trouble. Distinguished job (though it's not what I want to do really), 60 lbs lost, and some semblance of balance has entered my life, sans a trustworthy lover. Thus, I was not in a good mood this morning. The work day was seamless enough, though busy as usual
(I work for a university graduate school). Then the cardiologist's appointment was upon me. Though I am a runner, I have heart palpitations and was worried. I got a confirmation that yes, I do have a heart beat problem, but I wasn't going to die for another 50 years. So I walked out of the doctor's office and looked down the street, where a previous lover owns a business. I had not seen Mark in about a year, and then I was a bald (I shaved my head), grieving basket case. An urge to see him just propelled me down the street. The look of delighted astonishment on his face when I walked in was worth all the crap I have endured this week. Now I am much thinner, my hair is on my shoulders, and my confidence is back. On my way home I had this thought: my life is good, I like my solitude, and a lover meant for me will come across my path sooner rather than later. The run tonight was fabulous, and the runner's high on top of the feel good ending to the day reconfirmed that all the lessons learned, pain endured, and humiliation has been worth it. I feel capable of going through the transition of moving away from Dan and to a better place with someone I deserve.

"I'm only waiting for the proper time to tell you
That its impossible to get along with you
Its hard to look you in the face when we are talking
So it helps to have a mirror in the room
I've not been really looking forward to the performance
But there's my cue and there's a question on your face
Fortunately I have come across an answer
Which is go away
And do not leave a trace"

-Jack-

AAAARRGGHH

My skin is crawling, hands shaking. I feel like I want to run, but don't know where to. Alas I am in the beginning stages of an anxiety attack. The magic I did last night feels like it went loopy, like I didn't ground right. Dan and I are probably separating. It is a good thing too, we may be good friends but he cannot offer me the future I need. I've been doing sex magic to try to stem the loneliness, but can't seem to shake the blues. Today is Midsummer, a high holiday, so doing magic tonight will be powerful. Maybe tonight I can shake some of this unease. Dreamed of Jack again last night, for whatever reason. I need to feel close to someone, so my astral buddy will have to do for now.

happiness

Move over children,
Let’s get comfortable now.
We can talk to the animals.
We can breathe with our brothers.
We can hope for the best.
We can challenge the mind.
We can open up and rush forward blood vessels upon the ground.
We can deliver fresh food to someone who cannot get it themselves.
So why do I worry so violet? Why do I need more from you and more from life?
Why is it that I don’t become satisfied?
Cannot we break that rule? Cannot we break the tradition of mind?
Satisfaction is death. Satisfaction is death. Satisfaction is death.
It is the pursuit of happiness that brings us happiness, and not the happiness achieved.
I thought about this yesterday too.
So violet, will you then ever be satisfied with me?
You need to constantly pursue me.
You need to chase after something in me,
Always.
You can never be satisfied with me,
I hope you cannot.
I hope you cannot.
Let’s pursue this further.

Jack 09/18/03

Concerts and memories....www.tonycandthetruth.com

Went to see Tony C and the Truth in concert again tonight, there second time in town. The blues was swirling round my mind and I felt him, for the first time in many months. A memory flashed...Savannah, GA on the waterfront. Walking past a saxophone player, John handed the man a 10 and asked him to play his wife some blues. He was like that, he remembered and did little things to never let me forget I was his kindred spirit. The songs, the guitars, the crowds must have stirred him. This man went to the first Woodstock, and followed the Rolling Stones on a tour. As the music roared, my pentacle grew warm and I had the memory. He was there beside me once again, laughing at the antics of the other concert goers...His arms around my waist as he always did during concerts. The pentacle that I wear was a gift from him and was over his heart when it had its last beat. I suppose his essence will always be part of it.
Dan, my current lover, does not give me that kind of joy. He is smart and funny, but not empathetic to me. He never remembers little things about me like John did. Dan doesn't take my faith seriously, whereas John converted to witchcraft for love of me and then grew into a splendid witch. I often sit and wonder if I am meant to have another man that connected to me, as John was. There has been times I have caught myself wistfully thinking of my astral lover Jack, his funny weird ways and formidable talent. The problem with astral lovers is that it is very likely you will never meet them in person. Some call astral lovers daydreams, projections of what you want ideally in yourself and others that usually are too perfect to be real. This I don't buy into. I believe that astral lovers come to you to give you comfort, to be there in times of crisis and joy. It is an intimacy that cannot be matched. I have heard of astral lovers meeting and actually marrying in like two days (LOL) after they see each other in person. To them the courtship has been ongoing..Why waste time. That is what happened with John and I: we met and then married after three months. I really don't think we were astral lovers, just two people who recognized connected souls when we saw them. I am thankful of this. I just sit and bide my time now, dallying with Dan and visiting Jack in my head when I have time. And feeling John's spirit in places and situations where we were once happy.