Wednesday, July 21, 2004

polyamoury SEX and LOVE

I just picked up a book at our local new age bookstore/head shop called The Ethical Slut. Now I am all for sex that has more freedom than just being chained to another. I loved my husband: I was faithful the whole time and adored him. Really I didn't want another...I was also very young. Now that 33 has hit me I feel the overwhelming urge to just have a slew of fuckbuddies without the drama I have with Dan. If the right one came along I would be faithful, I know myself too well not to believe that. It is just that right now I yearn to have more. I tried the BDSM thing ( I am submissive), and the freedom of the relationship is what thrilled me. Once a week I met with an intelligent, cultured man and explored my darkside for a while (thanks Doug wherever you are!!). Then the rest of the week I had my life and he had his, it was wonderful. No drama, no stress, no bullshit.
There are two things that make me just ache to try this lifestyle. For one, just having outside contacts with others would be wonderful. I am very much a loner and enjoy my privacy..This is why my house is a mess. It is an excuse not to have others into my private Batcave. However, I have gotten so good at seclusion that I yearn to have contact. A lot of this has to do with Dan and his jealousy, which frankly I have had enough of. I want to have a circle of friends with who I can share myself with, intellectually, socially, and sexually. I miss intimacy.
Secondly, I really want the sex. I want to try everything that has to do with interaction with another (or several) that has the pure magic of sharing each others bodies . I am loving, affectionate, passionate and curious and want an outlet for this energy. Sex magick only takes you so far by yourself. There is nothing more magical than giving another soul pleasure and accepting the gift of pleasure back from them. Even one night stands have a certain amount of meaning if you want to share pleasure for pleasures sake, not looking for Mr. Right, just enjoying the moment of touching JUST TO TOUCH with no deeper trauma.
Am I becoming narssisistic in my old age? Am I giving in to my early-30ies hormonal surge? Am I just bored? Probably all of the above in greater and lesser degrees. I astrally projected the other night to talk to jack about it. His opinion is that love shared with others for the sake of just loving is a precious thing, and for me not to feel scared or ashamed. This is why he's my spiritual guide..He encourages me to go for things I never would before.