I'm here.

I know I have been absent for awhile, and the blog seems to be perpetually changing lately. I guess I'm just trying to figure out the direction the blog, and maybe, my life is going. I have made the decision to try to become a nurse, something I have sworn for years I wouldn't do. I have finished the painting of Daniel, and and am drifting, trying to figure out what the next project will be. The fibro, as always, is kicking my but, and the lethargy has been particularly bad this week (especially after a bee sting on Monday, and the related epipen adventure that goes with it.) I was playing Elderscrolls Oblivion, until I realized that it was, and could in the future, take up too much of my time. Oh, did I mention the puter was out for a couple of days....

Daniel is worrying me to death. It seems that he has lost all interest in swinging, to the extent he is totally ambivalent about going to the parties this weekend. Work is wearing him down, and tonight he lashed out at me from nowhere. I cannot stay mad, because I wasn't behaving my best this weekend ( I cried almost all day Sunday). He ASKED me to make a doctor's appointment for him on Friday, when normally he has to be dragged to the doctor. He won't confide in me. I don't know whether or not to stay home this weekend and relax, or to go to the party. I admit I haven't been holding up my end in arranging play dates. I just hate to do it that way. I'd rather go to the party, have fun, and see what happens. He categorically said that if I was the only one he was going to end up playing with this weekend, he'd rather not go. I don't know what to do. Do I make him go, and have him resent it, or do I cancel the whole thing, and have him resent it.....

Back in the School Saddle

Well, I took a wild hair and decided to take some community college classes this fall for shits and giggles. I was accepted. LOL Daniel doesn't even know yet. The local CC is reasonably inexpensive, so I wanted to see if I could actually be a student again. If I do well, I might consider trying to get my AAS in nursing. I was a nurse to John for two years, so I have the care giving down pat. I know I swore I wouldn't care give again for love or money. I just feel I need the challenge, to see if my brain isn't completely dead. And, I would be able to support us if anything happened to Daniel (John is still in my brain as an example). I figured I might take as many as 10 credit hours, I'm not sure yet. I need a math class (after all these years!), a psych class, and an anatomy class to fill out the prereqs for their nursing program. We shall see.

My Sweetie's Funk

I have the good fortune to be with Daniel this week in WV. It's probably a good thing, since he's been really down lately. I don't know if its just a bored phase, depression, dissatisfaction, or a major existential funk.
There is no question he has been under some pressure lately. He's bored at work, it doesn't challenge him. He's also under the constant strain of a possible layoff. Daniel always seems to be under the impression that he doesn't make enough money, and that there never is enough money, but the fact is that he is a wonderful provider. He makes a good living, and we have a decent rainy day fund.
Daniel has also seemed to get this blase attitude about swinging as well. He hasn't been chatting with our friends at all, and he really doesn't care if he plays with anyone. He's just indifferent to a lot of things. There was a time I was indifferent to playing myself, but I have since recovered. Maybe Daniel just needs a break. I am really worried about him.

My Ass is sore....

..and not for a fun reason. I am fat, out of shape, and took a nice long ride on the new bicycle to the dentists. The same bike that needs adjustments. I don't know what I had more anxiety about, the dentist, or making it there alive. The ride home was better, but it decided to rain cats and dogs. As I was walking the bike up a large hill (because I was in no shape to ride it), I remembered being an in shape runner in the rain running straight up a hill like this a few years ago. I laughed and cried the rest of the way home.

Most sages state that the beginner's mind is the best way to be. But when you are a beginner again after being good at something, it sucks. It is both humiliating and demoralizing. So I just have to put my sore ass on the bike seat again until I'm good at it, again.

Beltane 2007

Blessed be! Beltane 2007 is full of hope and promise. I didn't sleep much because of the long ceremony. I basically prayed for a long and hopefully fruitful summer and harvest, no matter what was bearing fruit. Today ended up being 88 degrees and a beautiful day for the Sabbath.