Friday, June 30, 2006

I feel pretty

The past year, since I quit escorting, has been a trying time with my sexuality. I felt like I no longer owned my body. I became selfish with my self concerning sex. I really didn't want to play with anyone. No one seemed to appeal to me except for Daniel and a very short list of longtime play partners. I figured out since I let anonymous people have me for money, only the the most select people I WANTED I played with. This has been hard to explain to Daniel. We would go to parties and nothing. The guy just wouldn't turn me on. There might have been nothing wrong with him; they just didn't appeal to me. Daniel kept thinking I wanted to leave the lifestyle, and it was nothing of the sort. I love swinging, and the friends we have made. Also, I didn't (and still don't) care if Daniel plays with others. I just wasn't interested.
Top this with a sudden weight gain from November to May, and I felt ugly and fat on top of not interested. There has been a change recently. I started walking again, and I've started to lose weight. Not a lot for people to notice right away, but enough for me to know. My wedding band set fits better. My clothes are feeling better. My energy is up. Before this I felt like no one would think me attractive because of the blubber. And, as a self-fulfilling prophesy, some guys in couples didn't want to play with me because of my size. Since that fell in a time of "I don't want to play anyway" , the rejection didn't bother me so much as Daniel not being able to play (Note: in Swinging, some couples will only play with another couple in the same room, called true swap.). Now, the past few parties I feel rejuvenated. So much so that the last house party I felt freer than I have in awhile. Yes I know I'm still fat, but I am doing something about it. Thus, I feel sexier. The true benefit of self responsibility.


KR said...

I'm so pleased to hear that things are looking better for you, sweetie. Keep up the baby steps.
And I like the new setup.