Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Questions with no good answers

There was a situation not too long ago that happened that I haven't had a chance to sort out in my writings, that I feel I need to address. We were at a swing party, Daniel and I, and were supposed to play with a couple we really liked, that we had been wanting to play with for awhile. Another couple (known here as couple X for privacy), decided to stay, and we couldn't really tell them that the playtime was private. The male part of Couple X I have know for a bit, and have never really been attracted to, decided to play with me. So I decided to take one for the team, because I didn't want to cause trouble by saying no. We started with oral, and I was feeling absolutely no pleasure, so I decided to fake it. The longer I played with him, the more icky I felt, and it didn't feel good. We were doing it doggie style and somehow, he almost penetrated me anally. By accident or on purpose, I don't know. Long time readers will know about my sexual assault-sodomy by my ex, and how I have been dealing with it. At that point I jumped up to the bathroom, and got sick. I just cried and shook. A few minutes later Daniel came in and I told him what happened. He got into the shower with me as I tried to scrub my skin off. I felt less dirty as an Escort.
I didn't come out of the bathroom until couple X left. Luckily, the other couple we were supposed to play with we are close to and I was able to tell them this wasn't their fault. So now the thought of playing with anyone I'm not absolutely 100% attracted too, gives me a kicked-in-the-stomach feeling. So here are a few of the problems this recent situation brings up.
First, I want to make it clear that I love the Swing lifestyle, and do NOT want to leave it. However, it feels like it will be impossible to play with anyone I do not want to play with 100%. And at this point, I could take playing or leave it. The problem is I don't want Daniel to feel guilty for playing himself, and I don't want to feel guilty for saying no. We have a play date set up in the near future, and the male partner of the couple is a nice guy, but too young for me and I'd rather just watch. I am afraid I will be nudged into playing and I'm not sure I'm ready to play with a new person yet. I'm also afraid that I will knock Daniel out of playing with a couple that only play with couples. The good side is that a party is coming up in a few weeks that I think I will be fine at, all the couples are cool and there are several couples there I would LOVE to play with. I hope this will work itself out.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. My fiancee and I have only a couple of "playing" experiences in the lifestyle so far, and are looking to get into a bit more,. We have been lucky that one thing our partners have told us from the get go is that niether of us should ever feel pressured to do something we don't want to do.

Having sex with someone who doesn't turn you on is NEVER going to be fun... you have to want sex to enjoy sex. And feeling obligated has got to be worse yet. The word for forced and unwanted sex is rape. I realize this wasn't your partner's intentions, and your feelings of being forced were self-inflicted, but the emotional effect would have to be similar, I would think.

I know I haven't been doing this as long as you probably have, and I'm not trying to pretend I am some kind of authority. I just wanted to offer some support and a hug, and maybe a perspective that could help you sort out your emotions on the matter. So just remind yourself that you live this lifestyle because you want to, not because you have to. If any partner or any action takes away from what you see as the benefits of swinging, just label that path what it is: counterproductive - and move on.

This kind of lifestyle is built on some pretty serious honesty and communication, so just tell any partner you don't want to be with that you don't want to play right now. They should understand.

Even if they flip out and tell Daniel he can't play with them, Daniel won't want you to be upset... and he'll have other oportunities. Pushy couples have no place in this lifestyle. We all get to draw our own lines.