Monday, December 12, 2005


When people start relationships, they often wish the ghosts of relationships past would disappear. Unrealistic of me, but I was one of them. Daniel and I had a tiff last night over something trivial ( I feel now). He wanted to search for something on the internet, I knew another way of searching for it, and I annoyed him. Showing his emotional maturity, he walked out of the room until he cooled off. Now, if I had any emotional maturity, I would have been ok. But instead, that one adult act of him walking out until he controlled his temper sent me on a tail spin. I shook and cried, and it made it all worse. What should have been a situation where we just stuck our tongues out at each other or flipped each other off turned into a big production. Here's where the ghosts come in.

My late husband John had a temper. He was also very emotionally manipulative. He would stomp off at the least provocation, the least jealousy, and then give me the emotional cold shoulder for hours. He would sleep on the couch, and do everything in his power to make me feel small, for whatever offence. There were times in our marriage where we lived thousands of miles away from my family, and I don't make close friends easily, so I rarely had anyone to talk to when he did this. I would sit in empty rooms, feeling mortified and lonely and scared that he would just walk out and leave me in an isolated place so far away from help. The tables turned when he got sick and was dependent on me, and he did apologize for his behavior before he died. Scars on the psyche usually stay on the soul, and "I'm Sorry" normally isn't a strong enough salve to make them go away.

So, when Daniel walked out of the room, and wouldn't immediately return when I called, it sent a shockwave reaction right into the pit of my stomach. It was like a flashback. I instantly went into this "I'm-sorry-I-wont-do-it-again" appeasement-victim mode, sobbing. Daniel held me when I cried, and I tried to explain why I was so upset over something so stupid. He did rightly by assuring me that there was nothing to fear, he wasn't John. And he begged me not to be on eggshells with him, afraid of upsetting him. This is why I am writing this, to work it out so I never treat him that way. I know I am always safe with Daniel. It just triggered emotions I thought I had buried after John's death.

I love you Daniel, you are my rock. Just please be patient with your silly, skittish fiancee. She's afraid of Ghosts.