Monday, August 29, 2005

Love and separation and love some more

Daniel and I have tried to keep a steady, every weekend visiting policy. He's been with me the past two weekends, and its been heaven. It is getting so painful to see him go, and it's always traumatic each time. I used to think people who tried to keep long distance love going were dumb to waste their time, and masochistic. LOL let me enter the club, because now I understand.
We are talking about deep, important things now: marriage, children, future. Our life views are amusingly different on so many things. He has a Protestant work ethic, whereas I will work like a Protestant only if the work has meaning. I tend to let stress either bounce off like water or just pile up until I have a huge anxiety attack, but Daniel hits it head on like a challenge.

The biggest thing is that he worries that I will fall out of love with him. I was crying on the way home from breakfast Sunday because: 1) He was leaving sooner than I had anticipated, since our friend who he was taking home needed to leave, and 2) My antidepressants aren't working that well and I've been crying at toilet paper commercials. It was the first time I'd let myself cry in front of him, the biggest sign of love and trust there is. If I cry in front of you, then I trust you enough not to hurt me, because when I cry, I am an open wound. He asked me if this was a "breaking up" kind of cry, which made me cry harder because it was the farthest thing from my mind. I wanted to keep him by my side, as long as I could, and short of cutting his tires or removing his distributor cap, I was helpless to make him stay.

I can honestly say that I have had two great loves in my life: John, and now you. I told you last night that I don't fall out of love, I just reshuffle people on my love hierarchy. You fill my heart, and will be there as long as I am breathing. I was scared to have children with John, and I never told him that. I am not scared to have them with you. In fact, this is the very first time in my life I have wanted to have a child this badly, and ONLY with you. You have such a caring, loving soul. Your are as wise as you are passionate ( and for a Scorpio passion is paramount so.....). To say you complete me is pretty damn cliche, but you bring out the very best in me, how's that ( saying you had me at hello is also true but pretty bad too...I hated Jerry McGuire). I just know life is too short, and I want things sooner rather than later, so I need patience. But know that I love you, you are my all.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for reminding me what my heart is for...I Love You, Wayne