Ruminations of things to come-faith

Well after a year of very unsatisfying and frustrating Wicca, I came to the conclusion that instead of the usual existential fugue I normally get this time of year I am having a spiritual crisis. I no longer feel as attached to witchcraft as I used to be. Some would use the analogy that its like being in a long marriage , then waking up gradually to the fact that the person you sleep beside and count on for comfort and strength is a stranger. So what do I believe in now? I believe there is a supreme power, but that it is not necessarily male. I still believe that nature is sacred, and we have a moral and spiritual responsibility to take care of it. The biggest part is that I absolutely do not believe that Jesus of Nazareth is divine in any way. He is a spiritual leader like Mohammad and Buddha, no more no less. That part of my belief system hasn't changed.
However what has changed is a new found need for community. Daniel told me when we first met this is why he left witchcraft and became a christian. I didn't understand then. I was fine in my intellectual/spiritual isolation. It has been almost 3 years since that conversation, and I now realize how lonely this faith can be. I need interaction now, the warmth of a community of people who believe the same things. So, what core things do I need ? Ritual that is old and deep of meaning. Intellectual stimulation for the brain , and with the freedom to question without persecution. So the past few weeks I have admitted my crisis of faith to Daniel, and he has supported my search for a new path. I began the research a few weeks ago.
At first, Catholicism and Buddhism came out first. Catholicism has the fellowship I need, plus the ages old ritual. The minuses are that Catholicism, even though it takes a good brain to study it, isn't keen on people who ask questions and wont toe the doctrinal line. Oh, and that whole Jesus-is-Lord-and-savior thing. That sort of thing could have got you killed about 100 years ago, and could still get you killed in some places. As for Buddhism, at first I liked it. There is a growing population in the area so the fellowship might be there. The study of the faith takes my fancy intellectually, but...the doctrine leaves me cold. There is nothing in life but suffering? Giving up all worldly things leads to nirvana? Whatever, it just makes me cold.
So now I'm looking into Judaism. Ill keep all posted on how that goes.

Brother Bart

He died the way John would have wished it. He called the ambulance at 1am, and was dead at 1:30am. The coroner said he died of a massive Pulmonary Embolism, where blood clots form in you body, usually in your legs, then break loose and migrate to the lungs to cut off oxygen to the brain and heart. He most likely lost consciousness a few minutes after the phone call. No life support, no suffering.

My late husband's brother was a simple, sweet natured man. He never married, and lived independently the last few years despite his touch of Cerebral Palsy. He was a devoted christian and loved gospel music. He died at the age of 60, and I really shall miss him.

La Muerte

I have become extremely intrigued with death lately.

Not my death...Hell No!.

I've been thinking about the process of dying and death around me, culturally and metaphorically. I've been thinking about my fave blogger Brainhell ( http://brainhell.blogspot.com/) and how he and his family are dealing with his impending death. I wonder about John, and what he was thinking when he looked at his family around him in his final moments. I wonder why birth is so easy to deal with, and death is so hard. I wonder how Ned thought it was an option, and why I thought the same thing many years ago. I feel like I'm on more intimate terms with Death than most people. What I really wonder is how can I make the process better for others
I remember the nurse in the ICU at UK (if you have heard this story before, long suffering readers, forgive me), who calmly waited for me to walk away from John lying dead on the hospital bed. She told me exactly what I needed to hear, in a voice that was the definition of calmness.
"Go outside for air, go get some food, then come back to do the necessary paperwork. He will be here waiting for you."
I tried using that voice a lot the week Ned died for Daniel and his family. I don't know if I will ever gain that zen like calm in my voice, the calm that eases people whenever they hear it.
Maybe I just want to help others the way I was helped I don't know.

Samhain 2007

I was very uninspired this Samhain. I did my ceremony, did the separate ceremony for Ned, but it felt empty. I have no idea whats the matter with me. I remember my first few Samhains, being filled with wonder and delight. The energy seemed to throb around me. Ive done Samhain ceremonies alone and with groups, in all parts of the country. I just felt empty this time. So how can I reconnect ?

A touch of needed humor

I think a bit of Rodney Carrington is in order..and I love this song.

This should be fun to watch...

Hmmm, seeing that just about 1 out of 3 people in Pike county are addicted to something, if it isn't oxyxcontin, its something else, it will be interesting to watch and see if my home county has the balls to follow this up and play hardball with the big boys.
The drugs are just a symptom of the malaise of this area. Hopelessness does that to a people. If an area is under educated and has no way to get a better economic and social future, they have to kill the pain somehow......stay tuned.


Kentucky sues makers of OxyContin - Yahoo! News

By SAMIRA JAFARI, Associated Press Writer 1 hour, 9 minutes ago
PIKEVILLE, Ky. - Kentucky officials on Thursday sued the manufacturer of OxyContin, the prescription pain reliever dubbed "hillbilly heroin," because of widespread abuse in Appalachia.

A lawsuit filed by Kentucky Attorney General Greg Stumbo and Pike County officials demands millions in compensation from drug maker Purdue Pharma.

"Make no mistake about it — this is war," said Gary C. Johnson, the county's outside counsel who is handling the case.

The lawsuit seeks reimbursement for costs incurred in drug abuse programs, law enforcement and prescription payments through Medicaid and the Kentucky Pharmaceutical Assistance program.
In a statement, Purdue Pharma officials said OxyContin's packaging warns against the dangers of abusing the drug and that the company shouldn't be held responsible for individuals who choose to do so.

"We will defend this lawsuit vigorously and we expect to prevail," the statement said.
Filed in Pike County Circuit Court, the lawsuit seeks class-action status for other "similarly situated" counties in the state. It seeks unspecified punitive damages and the creation of a court-monitored fund, financed by Purdue Pharma, that would pay for a program that would notify users of the potential harms of the drug and spur research on the effects of the drug, among other initiatives.

OxyContin — the brand name for oxycodone — has been blamed for hundreds of deaths across the country in recent years. Its intended slow-release effect can be easily circumvented, and abuse has been especially high in Appalachian states such as Kentucky, Virginia and West Virginia.

Kentucky officials decided to pursue the lawsuit after the drug maker and three of its current or former executives pleaded guilty this year to misleading the public about the drug's risk of addiction.

The company said it accepted responsibility for "past misstatements" by company officials.
"We do not believe, however, that those misstatement were responsible for individuals' abuse of OxyContin," the statement said.

Religious crossroads

After nearly 18 years of witchcraft, I think I have reached a turning point religiously. Recently, I have been reading quite a bit about Buddhism in general and Zen in particular. I do not want to leave the faith I have happily been a part of for almost two decades, rather, I want to expand it. I see the tenets of Zen as being a complement to my Craft. I consider Zen to be more of a philosophy than a religion anyway. I will keep you informed on the next 4 weeks worth of thoughts and study.

The hammer fell on Burma...again

Well, as I suspected, the troops came out and started shooting. The uprising has been put down. Damn, I was hoping they would make it this time too.

Comments about Burma..I mean Myanmar

I was watching the news about the protests in Myanmar with a sinking feeling. Its not that I'm not thrilled that an oppressed people, lead by the otherwise peaceful Buddhist monks of their country, are trying to remove the military boot on their necks that holds them down. Quite the contrary. My concern is a memory I have of a weekend in June of 1989.

I had been following the developments in China the whole last 6 weeks of my high school career. The Sunday of the crackdown, my family and I were driving back from Virginia where we had attended my cousin's high school graduation, in preparation for my own graduation that Monday. They interrupted radio service to announce it. I will never forget the feeling of disgust, fear, and youthful shock when I finally got to a TV and saw one lone student, probably not much older than myself, taking on a tank. That memory will be burned in my brain forever.

So, 18 years later, I watch the news reports with baited breath and hope the people of Burma can pull off a revolution, without taking on tanks.

self editing for protection

After talking with Daniel, we have decided to take down the entry "read your medicine box insert". We found that a ambulance chasing lawyer in Texas had used an excerpt, almost word per word, from the blog on their site, including Ned's name. We can't do anything since I didn't have a copyright on my blog...that will change as of today.

The truth is that the truth is never black and white. We will never know what truly made Ned pull that trigger. The medicine could have had something to do with it, but we will never know for certain. All I wanted to do is make people aware that the drug you might be taking might have a dangerous side effect, and that one should ALWAYS be very careful and be a good medical consumer and know as much about your meds as possible. And from here on out....ANYONE WHO DOES AN EXCERPT FROM MY BLOG WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION WILL BE UP SHITCREEK....UNDERSTAND!!!!!

Self imposed writing cocoon

I have to admit, I have been in a self -imposed writing cocoon for the past few months. What started as a slow, boring, blissfully average summer turned dramatic and stressful in a blink of an eye. I'm sitting in our new house that we didn't even have a dream about having in June. Daniel and his family continue to reel from the suicide of his brother. My nursing plans were derailed after having to drop my Anatomy class because I got behind after Ned's death.

But... the garden is still blooming. The sun is still rising. The weather is still on the hot side of comfortable. Sometimes, a holding pattern is necessary. Tomorrow is the the Fall Equinox, and winter will soon be here..and normalcy will return.

How did they make it this long?!?

My grandparents will have their 60th wedding anniversary tomorrow!!!!!! Along the way, they had 11 kids, and have buried 2 already. The first 30 years he tried to beat her to death. Now she willingly takes care of him. They are having a party, so it will be interesting to see everyone.

reactions to previous entry

Well well it seems this blog gets read after all. A few days ago I got two emails, one from CBS 11 Dallas-Ft. Worth, and People magazine about using Ned's story for a news investigation and an article about Chantix and it's adverse reactions. I sent them to Daniel, and he has been talking to the Ft. Worth people. We don't want to sue Pfizer, we just want Ned's story to hopefully save someone else's life. Nothing will bring him back, we just don't want his senseless death to be in vain.

Our new house!!!!

Isn't it pretty? Our own little love shack on the hill. We came a cats ass of not getting it, but we worked it out in the end. We close tomorrow, then get ready to do the whole packing/moving thing (ick). It will be a long holiday weekend, but so worth it. At least one good thing happened this month.

sadness and anger are good bedfellows

HAZARD KY- Ned Napier, 28, died Aug 19, 2007. Visit 6-9pm Wed. Funeral 11am Thu at Maggard's Mt View Chapel

Ned Napier is my husband Daniel's little brother. Ned put a .45 magnum pistol in his mouth Sunday morning and pulled the trigger. We will bury him tomorrow. The family is devastated, and I am furious, at him and myself. To think I almost did this to my own family. I will talk more tomorrow.

BIGDEAL first of many first...

Daniel and I have been wanting a house for a long time. For the past several months, we have been fighting to get his VA loan, to no avail. So Monday morning, after I sent him off to work, I decided to do some investigating. We had been talking about looking into an online loan, and Quicken had a good reputation, so I went online and started an online chat with a mortgage officer. 4 hours later, I got us approved for a $100,000 mortgage!!!!! I called Daniel, and he was stunned. He made me check to make sure it wasn't a scam...it wasn't. We got the approval letter today, and the letter for the real estate agent. We can start looking this weekend. This a wonderful surprise for both of us, so the carnival ride of real estate shopping begins....

Second of many firsts..

The reason for the difficulty in ready my final is that I just got contacts for the first time in my life. I have been wearing glasses for 20 years, and was always scared to try contacts, fearing I;d poke my damn eye out or something. But lately, my vision has changed to the point where I thought I needed bifocals, so I went to the optometrist to get checked. Well, guess what...I need bifocals (a genetic thing for women in my family at this age, gee thanks mom). However for shits and giggles, I asked about contacts. I found out that I would need a regular one in my right eye, and one made for astigmatism in my left, both for long range vision. For close up, I could go to Wal-Mart and get a cheap pair of reading glasses. So I paid the 30$ extra dollars to be taught how to wear the damn things, and the adventure began.
For the past week, putting in the contacts have been an ordeal in of itself. The right one, no problem. The left I have lost up in my eyeball, dropped in the sink, and it usually takes 30 minutes to put the friggin thing in when I do get it aligned right. Why, because it is misshapen for the astigmatism so it doesn't cup like a regular contact. It has given me nothing but a pain in the eye for a week. If the doctor can't give me another shape tomorrow at the appointment to try again, I might be forced to go back to glasses.
The humor in all of this is the unknown habits one picks up after wearing glasses for so long. In the past, every time my eyes got blurry, it meant I needed to push my glasses up on my face. Do you know how silly a woman looks pushing at an imaginary pair of glasses 20 or so times a day? Yeah, Daniel has had no end of fun out of it.

First of many firsts...

It has been a productive few weeks. First off, I got an official A in my class. The final was a bit more difficult, but in all I loved the online system and would take another online class in a heartbeat. Plus, my father in law now owes me dinner! The new semester starts Aug. 13, and I'm looking forward to it.

The end of my affair with Harry

Tonight at 12:01 AM, Daniel and I will be at Wal-Mart waiting to get 2 copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. However, I don't want to read mine right away. I don't want the love affair to end. I have been crazy about Harry since it came out in 1997. Each book marks a period of my own life as well. For example, the first birthday present Daniel ever got me was a copy of Half Blood Prince. I feel butterflies in my stomach, hoping that by reading the last book wont leave a feeling of disgust like watching the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I realize that this book wont please every fan, and has a big chance of breaking my heart. So, I'm letting Daniel read it first. It will cushion the blow.

Ehk...and some disconnected ramblings before bed

Ehk....that's the way I feel. I have no better word for it. Summer is half gone, and the next semester starts Aug. 13. I'm getting an A in my Psych class. I have been basically just lonely/bored/unfulfilled lately. Its no ones fault, just the way it is right now. Took a fertility test to determine if my ovary follicles were working, whatever the hell that means. To my utter shock...I'm fertile, at least in that one way. Daniel is doing much better, and is almost back to his old mischievous self. I haven't painted in awhile, I believe I'm stuck again. Shit.