Cool new network site for artists.

The world famous Saatchi Gallery has a new section called Stuart (http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk/stuart/) especially for beginning, student, or under represented artists. Its essentially a MySpace for artists. The buzz is that artists are getting sales on this site that they normally wouldn't get so early in their careers. Since I have no illusions about my artistic ability, none of my stuff is there yet. It is, however , cool to look at the profiles and see what others are doing in the art world.

Xmas post..What love really means: The Best

This was posted on Xmas eve by brainhell (http://brainhell.blogspot.com/)
as a letter to his wife I assumed. He has ALS, and is deteriorating rapidly.

"You will probably feel a LOT of guilt over the circumstances of my death. This is because it is likely to seem like a preventable accident. I will probably suffocate somehow. And you will blame yourself for not being home, or not responding faster to that noise. I may even be trying to get to you, and might die in evident distress. Sure, suffocating scares me -- I'll be frightened. But unless you take a golf club to my head, know that I DON'T BLAME YOU. I do not want you feeling guilty over something that crept up on us so slowly. Listen to me: My death happened. The circumstances may have been desperate, but I'll know then as I know now: THERE'S NOTHING TO BLAME YOURSELF ABOUT. I lived much longer and much more happily because of you."

There are so many of his posts about his wife and how she takes very good care of him. Care giving is one of the most difficult and rewarding things you can do for a spouse. I had the privilege of being one once to John, and Goddess forbid, I would be one again in a heartbeat if Daniel ever needed me. Love at it's best is both selfless and appreciated. I dedicate this post to brainhell and his wife as a example on what love really is, and as a reflection of the love Christ meant us to feel, if you are a believer. This is the love Christmas is meant to bring out and reflect, I wish this to all people this day.

Xmas post..What love really means: The worst.

Christmas seems to bring out either the worst, or the best in all families. I've seen both this holiday weekend. As for the worst:

Daniel's mother is a very self-absorbed woman. Daniel had a small wreck in the truck last week, where the passenger window was broke. The weather wasn't so bad that we couldn't drive it locally, but to Hazard would have been a bit miserable, even though the weather wasn't as bad as it could have been. She has refused in the past to come visit here, and Daniel has had to be the one to make all the effort in their relationship. After 4 days of making excuses for not visiting ( my mom is here a lot, even though she lives 2 1/2 hours away), as of today Daniel has had enough of her. He told his mother today to never call again, he was tired of her loving him only when it was convenient to her. I cried when I was in the other room as I listened to the conversation, because as much as I want to mother his pain away, there is only one woman who can do that, and she refuses.

THE DUH FACTOR..AN ONGOING SERIES

"WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. growers produce nearly $35 billion worth of marijuana annually, making the illegal drug the country's largest cash crop, bigger than corn and wheat combined, an advocate of medical marijuana use said in a study released on Monday. "

It took a national study to figure this out? And, big surprise, here are the top 5 grower states: California, Tennessee, Kentucky, Hawaii and Washington. Any person on the damn street, let alone people like my self who live in one of those states , could have told the policy makers this. My own mother sold pot to keep us clothed and fed when we were only getting a 400$/month welfare check growing up. Pot revenue is feeding a lot of people in Appalachia. If there was any other sort of industry here besides coal, this wouldn't be a necessity. At at $1,606 per pound for the grower, can you blame anybody for having some cannabis amongst the tomatoes and corn in the garden?

Running a Swing club

Ive been doing a bit of research about the running of on-site Swing clubs recently. As many people as we have in this area that swing, it would be the coolest to have an on site establishment here in Pikeville. The closest to here would be Knoxville, Columbus, or Lexington. West Virginia has no on-site premises. There are a few very private resorts, but you have to know someone to get there, and they tend to be expensive. A small place with a social room and a few playrooms, a jacuzzi room, a locker room/shower room would be ideal. maybe a BYOB area with mixers, and maybe lite finger food. it would only be open on weekends. its a cool dream.

Not much going on...

As you might have noticed, I haven't been posting much lately. There has not been much happening in my world. It is winter, which means most of my time is fighting off illness. The fibro weakens my immune system, so the winters are a battle of one virus after another. The past 3 weeks has consisted of: 24 hr flu, laryngitis, and perpetual cough, and off and on low grade fever. There is no use going to the doctor, since there is nothing that can be done for viruses other than support stuff (liquids, rest, etc.), and I really don't need exposed to new stuff. We have a Rockers party New Years Eve weekend, and that plus holiday visiting will be the extent of my social life this month. I will be on the couch mostly.

recipe for my life

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary (http://www.m-w.com):

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

Function: noun: a disorder of unknown cause that is characterized by persistent profound fatigue usually accompanied by other symptoms (as headache and tender lymph nodes) unrelated to any preexisting medical condition -- abbreviation CFS

Fibromyalgia
Pronunciation: "fI-"brO-"mI-'al-j(E)&Function: noun
Etymology: New Latin: any of a group of rheumatic disorders affecting soft tissues and characterized by pain, tenderness, and stiffness of muscles and associated connective tissue structures

Take a heaping helping of Fibromyalgia and CFS, mix liberally with isolation and boredom, and fold in loneliness and frustration. Let stew for 5 days a week, every week. Watch the pot, it easily boils over.

Tye dyed hair

I started this hair adventure with the purest and best of intentions: I didn't want to wear a hot wig to Rockers this year. So, in my foolish innocence, I dyed it black, thinking it would be easy to fix......

I started last week by putting a red dye on the top to make it two toned. The reality was red roots and the rest still black. So, I pondered this problem this weekend and during that time I was in Wal-Mart in the hair color isles, and saw the bleaching kits. Once again, in a moment of innocence (ignorance/stupidity), i bought it and put it in last night. The black came out, but what I was left with probably has never been seen in nature before this moment.

My roots are a lovely shade of strawberry blond. From about an inch from my scalp to about 4 inches from the ends its a gorgeous copper-orange...The ends are a dark copper. My hair has a nice, waterfall effect going on. The fact of the matter is I wanted it different ...and now it is. Daniel hasn't seen it yet but thought the whole thing was hysterical.

The world's oldest and fattest Suicide Girl

The title is a statement about what I seem to be turning into. As of tonight, I will be stripping my hair down to platinum blond so i can eventually get it back to red. I have had 3 hair colors in as many months. I have gotten the overwhelming urge to get a nose ring. My tastes in clothes are getting a bit emo/punk/goth in nature. For some reason, my mind is not accepting old wives tale about 35 year olds supposing to be dowdy and respectable. I actually would love to do a goth photo shoot with fake tats and piercings and actually submit my pic to Suicide Girls.

What, for the love of Pete, is happening to me? Its like I'm turning into the teenager I wanted to be but couldn't because 1) it was the late 80's when I was a teen and goths didn't exist yet, and 2) I grew up between "bumfuckegypt" and "Boy-you-have-a-purdy-mouth" area of Appalachia. My husband doesn't seem to be minding this change, he LOVES goth chicks. To put it a better way, I feel like I'm in the middle of a transformation pattern I haven't seen in a decade. Z the swinging caterpillar is mutation into he inner Goth chick. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised. Look what Ive been since adulthood, and some of these I still am:

wife twice

sister

caregiver

college student

Hotel employee

witch

poet

Painter

Escort (prostitute)

SCAdian (member of the Society for creative Anachronism)

ultra liberal pinko commie girl

world traveller

Swinger

gypsy

fibromyalgia sufferer

runner

belly dancer

Speaker of gutteral german

Friend

Would middle aged goth chick be so out of place? Please feel free to post comments.

The Goddess has heard Our Prayers!!!

The Democrats have handily taken back the House of Representatives, and damn near have the Senate back. Donald "Militarily, I don't know my ass from my elbows" Rumsfeld finally saw the writing on the wall and resigned. Our Fucktard president will have a very bad final few years in office. So, The Goddess is in her Heaven and things are almost right with the world!!

Xmas shopping for the future

I don't know if I've mentioned it before but I'm an eBay freak. I have been known to spend several hours at a time lurking on eBay looking for my version of the holy grail. Its the truest version of Capitalism; you put it to market, people bid on it, highest bidder wins...simple. EBay also lets us who don't compete feel like we are on the gridiron because we get awfully down and dirty in the bidding war side of the chase. There is NOTHING that pisses me off more than someone stealing my bid at the last minute. Conversely, there is nothing more satisfying than getting the product at the last instant. The only place I can think of that has a more varied amount of sheer stuff is a back alley marketplace in Bangkok somewhere. Short of illicit drugs and human flesh, you can get anything on EBay.

It was Daniel's brilliant idea to do all of the Xmas shopping on ebay, and get it over with early this year. We budgeted 400$, put the money in the bank Friday, and only have one more gift to get with 61$ left on the budget as of today Tuesday. Daniel was never into eBay that much until this weekend, where I got to see the shopping animal come out. As we fought to get our bids in last minute, and win a bidding war, his nostrils flaring, his pupils dilating, the hunter came out in my otherwise mild mannered husband. It was rather amusing to watch. I can't get him to watch football or NASCAR with me, but the sportsman came out that day.

The good news about all this is that firstly, Daniel now understands my attraction to EBay. Secondly, we have money left over to get stuff for us. Lastly, the only time I have to be in Wal-Mart during the Xmas insanity is on the less crowded grocery section. A win-win-win situation!!!

Samhain 2006

This years' Samhain was a quiet, alone affair. I did my ceremony thanking The Mother for Her gifts of life, love, and sanity. I only asked for one thing for the coming year: creativity. I need to create something worthwhile. I also asked the Mother to bless the families of all who had died this year, and said hello to John . I feel that Samhain is a time to reconnect with my faith as the wheel of the year starts anew. Blessed Be!

First couple Picture

My mother, in her wisdom, decided to have family pictures taken at 11AM, AFTER a Rockers Party the night before. This is us after about 2 hours of sleep. I don't think it turned out too badly. It was the first time the whole family got to take pics together, including the new sons-in-law. At least the weather was good and we ate afterwards.

LYRICS ALERT!!! Sweet Transvestite

Sweet Transvestite

Frank:

How d'you do, I

See you've met my

Faithful handyman.

He's just a little brought down

Because when you knocked

He thought you were the candy man.

Don't get strung up by the way I look.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

I'm not much of a man by the light of day

But by night I'm one hell of a lover.

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transexual, Transylvania.

Let me show you around

Maybe play you a sound.

You look like you're both pretty groovy.

Or if you want something visual

That's not too abysmal,

We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.

Brad:

I'm glad we caught you at home,

Could we use your phone?

We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Janet:

Right.

Brad:

We'll just say where we are,

Then go back to the car.

We don't want to be any worry.

Frank:

Well you got caught with a flat, well, how `bout that?Well, babies, don't you panic.

By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.

I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transexual, Transylvania.

Why don't you stay for the night?

Riff Raff:

Night!!

Or maybe a bite?

Columbia:

Bite!!

I could show you my favourite obsession.

I've been making a man

With blond hair and a tan

And he's good for relieving my... ...tension

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transexual, Transylvania,

ha ha,

HEY, HEY!

I'm just a sweet transvestite. (Sweet transvestite)

From Transexual, Transylvania.

So - come up to the lab,

And see what's on the slab.

I see you shiver with antici - (4 seconds) - pation.

But maybe the rain

Isn't really to blame.

So I'll remove the cause. (chuckles)

But not the symptom.

he who completes me

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the man I have been driving crazy, and was crazy enough to marry me. I dont think Ive ever loved someone this much EVER. I miss him terribly, and miss being with him day to day. I love you baby.

Rede Of The Wiccae

Because Samhain is once again upon us, I have decided to give a sorta free education to those who have no clue about my faith, and, a refresher course for those who do. The first is the Rede of the Wiccae, whis is one of the tenets of Wicca, though it really can't be traced before Gerald Gardner in 1953 ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wiccan_Rede). This version comes from, in it's entirety, from The Wiccan Rede Project ( http://web.archive.org/web/20040415043123/www.draknetfree.com/sheathomas/ )


Rede Of The Wiccae
(Being Knowne As The Counsel Of The Wise Ones)
Submitted By Lady Gwen Thompson & Adriana Porter
First Published In Green Egg MagazineVol. III. No. 69 (Ostara 1975)
{definitions by the blogger}



Bide the Wiccan Laws ye must
In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust.
Live an’ let live - Fairly take an’ fairly give.
Cast the Circle thrice about To keep all evil spirits out.
To bind the spell every time - Let the spell be spake in rhyme.
Soft of eye an’ light of touch - Speak little, listen much.
Deosil {clockwise} go by the waxing Moon - Sing and dance the Wiccan rune.
Widdershins {counter clockwise} go when the Moon doth wane,
An’ the Werewolf howls by the dread Wolfsbane {Poisonous Medicinal Herb}.
When the Lady’s Moon is new, Kiss thy hand to Her times two.
When the Moon rides at Her peak Then your heart’s desire seek.
Heed the Northwind’s mighty gale - Lock the door and drop the sail.
When the wind comes from the South, Love will kiss thee on the mouth. When the wind blows from the East, Expect the new and set the feast. When the West wind blows o’er thee, Departed spirits restless be.
Nine woods {bonfire} in the Cauldron go - Burn them quick an’ burn them slow.
Elder be ye Lady’s tree - Burn it not or cursed ye’ll be.
When the Wheel begins to turn - Let the Beltane {May 1st} fires burn.
When the Wheel has turned a Yule {Dec. 22nd}, Light the Log an’ let Pan rule.
Heed ye flower bush an’ tree - By the Lady Blessèd Be.
Where the rippling waters go Cast a stone an’ truth ye’ll know.
When ye have need, Hearken not to others greed.
With the fool no season spend Or be counted as his friend.
Merry meet an’ merry part - Bright the cheeks an’ warm the heart.
Mind the Threefold Law ye should - Three times bad an’ three times good. When misfortune is enow, Wear the Blue Star {pentacle} on thy brow.
True in love ever be Unless thy lover’s false to thee.
Eight words ye Wiccan Rede fulfill - An’ it harm none, Do what ye will.

My Painting Hero--Duane Keiser

Duane Keiser has probably found the best marketing angle in art next to Thomas Kinkade. He is the proprietor of A Painting A Day (http://duanekeiser.blogspot.com/), an art site where he promotes and sells his card paintings he does about once a day now. I mean post card in the literal sense, 3 1/2 by 5 inch paintings and sometimes smaller. They are technically brilliant, photo realistic, and sell on eBay from no less than $100, and most times that I have seen, up to $500 to $750. He has a devoted following in the art world, and the sky seems to be the limit. He included a demo from YouTube, and I was floored on how damn easy he made it look. The painting is entitled "Candy Apple" ans ended up selling for $510 on Ebay. To see the demo, here is the link ; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rB-Qj3reFkY
This guy is my personal hero!

No more worries about oil paint...for another month

Well after 7 days of no period, we finally got a 4$ pregnancy test (negative). I started my period later in the day, yesterday. For the past week I haven't touched my oil paints, because I was worried about using turpenoid, and I don't have enough water soluble oils to do the job. Today I feel sick and crampy (sick from this weekend, apparently Daniel and I both caught a bug from the relations), and overly sensitive-cranky, like most menstruating women tend to be. I'm pissed off and relieved, at the same time, I'm not pregnant, which annoys the fuck out of me. I miss Daniel terribly, and he's only been gone not more than an hour. I'm unreasonably put out that Daniel told the new playmate she could sleep over most of the week if she wanted to. I KNOW nothing serious was meant by it, but hormonal women are rarely rational. We also didn't get to spend a lot of time together this weekend for one reason or another. So I'm just kinda feeling miserable, lonely, and grumbling to myself. Thanks for listening.

Desperately Seeking Somebody

I have actually started looking for a playmate for during the week, although its no better than half-assed. I'm just not feeling it. I don't see usefulness of paying $30 for a month of AdultFriendFinder, because they only people on there just want to fuck. That just leaves me cold. I want someone more to sit there and talk to me, spend time with me. I want someone to hang out with and watch crazy TV or watch me paint or want to go to artsy places. It doesn't even have to be more than 2 days a week. If we end up in the sack, all well and good, but I need a intellectual connection first and foremost.

If I don't end up finding someone, Daniel will feel terrible about having a play partner in WV. I don't want him to feel that way. He deserves companionship as much as I do. HE works to pay the bills so I can stay home, He's the one who rarely has free time. I think he's more deserving than I am. I don't contribute financially to this home-he does. Not that there is no value to what I do; I just don't feel that valuable. Daniel has told me that if I don't find someone, he will stop with his play partner and have me stay in the apartment during the week up there, and come home with him on weekends. Yes, I would see him more. But, I love my nest/shell/cocoon. It would be physically hard on me to do that as well. That apartment is kinda cold, and winter is damn near here. I do not want a substitute husband- I have the only husband I will ever want or need. I would like a good friend with benefits occasionally though.

So the best thing I knew to do is update my ad on witchvox.com. That way, I'd be targeting like minds that weren't there just for sex. Let's see how it goes..updates to follow.

preparing to paint..BEWARE!!!

Well I have no excuse not to paint anymore. The house is reasonably organized. Laundry is caught up for the most part, and all I have to do is print some cards and I'm caught up with all chores. I can now concentrate on teaching myself calligraphy, and watercolors. My oils will be out too. I need a new set of water soluble oils. I really have no urge to work with turpenoid since I'm trying to get pregnant. When I actually get something that's worth being posted, Ill show it to you. If I get super ambitious, Ill do another blog just for my art.. who knows.

The Human Barometer

Today is the first day under 50 degrees F. I could have told you that it was getting colder, since I felt it from the roots of my hair to the ends of my toenails. The fibromyalgia is back for the long winter. The fact that the news is forecasting a mild winter is not a comfort. I will be in some form of discomfort until April, ranging from mild flu-like body aches, all the way to being bedridden with teeth clenching pain I can't move through. I feel like my bones are made of lead, the fatigue is so bad. I have fond memories of exercising this summer, it was wonderful. I have belly dance videos Ill be doing this winter but not every day. It is times like this I miss Key West, LOL. I'm going to be trying new vitamins and such so we will see.

Unexplored world

Daniel and I went to a convention this past weekend for a 12 step program Daniel is a member of (I won't mention the name of it, because it has Anonymous as part of it's name). Daniel has dealt with extreme addictions in his past, and has been clean for 8 years. I have never had an addict in my family, and besides caffeine and Mythbusters, I have really never been addicted to anything personally. It's like trying to walk in someone else's shoes: you really can't. I like to tell myself I'm reasonably smart and well-read, but when dealing with what I have had no contact with in the past, I fell like a dunderhead.

So the whole day Friday, Daniel acted like a caged bear wanting to get their. Yes, he is wonderfully charming most of the time, but when he wants to get somewhere he can get a bit (understatement) cranky. I had to use my zen voice to calm him down a dozen times to keep him from going spastic. Especially in Lexington traffic; we were going down Versailles Rd just as Keeneland was letting out of its first day of the meet. However, I kept him from going into a killing rampage well enough to get us to Bardstown.

The first thing I felt when we got out of the truck was this overwhelming feeling of love and goodwill coming from all in attendance. During the process of the weekend, I don't think I had ever been hugged that much at one time in several years. Total strangers (to me) would come and hug me out of the blue, no matter the race, age or gender. There was an atmosphere of total and unconditional acceptance. All of these people had dealt with addiction, either as a recovering addict or the partner of one. Everyone was an equal to the other. I felt a complete sense of welcome, but also the feeling of being distanced because I could not share their life experience. Most of the spouses or partners of the recovered addicts there had been with them in the trenches of the illness. I had met and married Daniel at the point of being clean for several years. I did my best to be as open and attentive as possible.

Saturday was full of seminars on various topics dealing with addiction and the aspects of the program itself. There was only two I could go to, the -Anon meetings. Once again, I met wonderful people there, but only myself and another person there had met their spouse during the clean time, not the raging addiction. It did help to share my feelings of inadequacy and ignorance on how to handle situations that come up dealing with the addiction. For example, the needle pit scene in Saw II. He freaked, then dealt with it. I freaked because of seeing him freak, and not knowing what to do. Everyone at the meeting was very understanding. Between seminars, I was either cross stitching in the hospitality room, or napping ( since Daniel was so keyed up he didn't sleep at all Friday night, nor most of Saturday night).

Saturday night there was a banquet, a speaker, then an auction/dance. As I did Friday night, I went to bed when I felt the fatigue hit me, and let him alone to roam. I did this because these people were his people. They shared his experiences. It would have been a terrible injustice on my part to make him go to bed and miss this camaraderie. He thought it was very unselfish on my part, I just considered it reasonable. It was also practical, since I was rested enough to get him home on Sunday.

I hope we get to go to another convention in the future. Yes, I love swing parties. However, outings like this I think are more enriching to us both, and we need fun for the body as well as nourishment for the soul.

my gentle husband

Daniel,

I am so very sorry for letting it seem like I lost my faith in you, and our love. It has been a hard week, with fall coming and the pain and fatigue rearing its ugly head. I have worked hard this week to finally hold my end of the housekeeping bargain up. I never want to lose you, and I know I never will. I want you to be satisfied, emotionally and physically. It was wrong for me to believe that you would leave me for anyone else. Will you forgive me for feeling fat, ugly, lonely, horny, and PMSy?

I love you,
Z

The fat, middle aged harpy housewife from Hell

Daniel seems to have found a possible play partner in West Virginia. I have, once again, the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It feels like a mixture of slight jealousy with a pinch of inner turmoil, and a cup of self esteem issues thrown into the batter. Here is a woman who has the possibility of seeing more of my husband than I do. And, as I stated in the previous post, I have precious little trust of women in general and single ones in particular. I am well aware my baby has needs his hand just can't fulfill, and I don't have a problem with him satisfying them per se. However, there's this hot brunette with a great body who isn't married living in BFE, and here is a man who is sexy, articulate, and sexually skilled with an excellent paying job. Can you say bigger, better deal? If it was a married woman whose husband lets her play separately I wouldn't feel so icky about it.

I trust my husband. Period. I am just feeling like crap because I'm always tired, I look like hell, and I'm terrified of becoming boring to him. Trust me, you can be the sexiest woman in the world, but if you become boring, a man will go looking somewhere else. Being an escort taught me that. The fat, middle aged harpy housewife from Hell (lol say that fast 5 times), she is in the mirror staring back at me, justly or not.

Part of me thinks that maybe its time to find my own play partner. I am damn particular about who I fuck nowadays, also from being an escort. I am afraid I will get so lonely from being away from Daniel that whomever I end up playing with might become a crutch. But, it might just be the thing I need to do so Daniel can have the play partner he needs right now. As long as I have my weekend marriage, it will have to do.

Female Chauvinist

I wrote about this about a year ago, and the subject rears it's ugly head again: why can't I get along with members of my own gender? Why is it that I don't, and can't, have many close female friends? As of right now, I have three: Edie, my sis Sam, and Margaret. I can tell these three anything ( well mostly, Margaret doesn't know I swing), without fear. There is something so catty, so untrustworthy about, many of the women I meet. Not that they are bad people, most are wonderful. There seems to be this feeling of cut throat competition, subversive friendliness, and mind games with many women that I simply cannot understand.

For example: there are several females in our group who don't particularly like each other, which is fine. No one person can be appealing to everyone. But at a recent party where these women happened to be in close proximity to each other, there was an undercurrent of tension, with each of them talking about the other behind their backs. Then, if they did get within talking distance of each other, they made snide remarks about the others within earshot. Why was this necessary? If I don't like some one, I avoid them. If I see them I am courteous and polite, but not snide. We had to put out the proverbial fires from a half dozen incidents from this party about this one talking about that one, this one being upset ant that one because of something that was said, etc. I am so sick of this drama I'm ready to scream!

The interesting thing is there are NO MEN causing these problems. If men don't like you they either tell you, or avoid you. No gossip, no badmouthing. I feel so uncomfortable around most women now that I usually (beside the three women mentioned by name beforehand) avoid having close relationships with women. I have no idea where this feeling of self protection came from. I know my sister and I were pitted against each other like gladiators in high school for fun by family members. The one person I did trust in my formative years was an uncle (thanks Ivan). I don't relate to women well, I don't feel the need to have what other women covet. I got yelled at by Daniel because I had 2 pairs of jeans for the fall, and didn't really have the urge or feel the need to have more clothes. I have 5 pairs of shoes, and besides the need for a pair of Doc Martens for winter, I really couldn't care less about having more. I wear makeup when needful, but not every time I exit the apartment. I'm not jealous of other women, nor do I feel threatened by them. I feel mostly indifferent at best, ambivalent at worst. I sometimes feel like an outcast as a swinger because I am not bi. I have had a few bi experiences, but really didn't enjoy them as much as sex with a man.

Yes, I love men. I love the way they think. I understand that love and sex are two different things, and sex is the primary force that drives our species. I don't feel like i need a man to survive, actually, I have done pretty well on my own. I do appreciate beyond words that I have a husband who wants me to stay home, so I can work on things I have always wanted to do and never had the time. I have always had more male friends, even since grade school. I don't know how to explain it I just feel more of an affinity for the male psyche.

WTF?

I woke up yesterday thinking, in my cynical way, that I had seen just about everything human nature could throw up on society. Then, I opened up Yahoo and see the headline," Shooter goes on rampage in Amish school!"

I had to blink a few times to make sure I was seeing the words right. A shooting...at an AMISH SCHOOL!!! So I click on the link and read the story, then I turn the TV on and watch the news conference with Daniel, stunned. I'm thinking, Let me get this straight: a guy comes home from work, gets his own kids off to school, decides he's suicidal and wants to take a few with him, preferably young girls, and hits the nearest school, which happens to be an Amish school, guaranteed to have no phone or security. Then, shoots 9 of them, killing 3 instantly and himself. Three die later.

I would like to state first that it is horrible and indefensible that any child should die this way. I have a niece that is the age range these girls were (9 years old) . The fact that it's an Amish school makes it that much more horrible, because of their belief system that try to keep them away from the ills of modern society . This would be the LAST place you would figure a situation like this would happen. Can you imagine parents, trying to get to their children in hospitals states away, taking forever to get there because they morally can't fly, and barely let themselves be in cars? Then see their children in modern hospitals, with modern life support? Not only are they about to lose children, but the very fabric of their lives, their society, is rent asunder by one selfish motherfucker with guns?

This kind of nightmare is the worst kind of violation. To me, this proves that no place is safe, no children are safe. Now I know that safety is relative, and the fact that we are not in control of anything in our lives is the the only thing we can be absolutely sure of. I have a great deal of respect for the Amish culture. They only want to be left alone to practice their faith, raise their children, and live in peace. Like any of us. it will take them a very long time to recover from this. I pray to my goddess that it happens quickly.

Crossing a huge hurdle.

There comes a time in every woman's life when she is able to overcome a past sexual trauma, hopefully with the help of a loving man. I experienced such a case of sexual healing a few weekend's ago, with Daniel's loving, generous help. As my long suffering readers might recall, I was anally sexually assaulted in January, 2005, by an ex-boyfriend. Since, that part of my sexuality has been shut down. But then I found a wonderful, caring man I could trust with anything. A few months ago I decided enough was enough. I was tired of withholding a part of me from my husband, so we decided to act.

We started with toys, to gradually get me used to having that area touched and manipulated again. In these little play sessions Daniel was tender, slow and loving, and there always seemed to be a lot of laughter. Finally, a few weekends ago, I was so turned on I told him to slowly go for it...and he did. It was the hottest sexual experience I have had in a life full of sexual experiences. After we finished we held each other , laughed and talked well into the morning. It was magical.

I am grateful for Daniel's loving patience and forbearance during my healing process..Thank you Baby.

Coffee, croussant, and my uncle.

I am sitting here rested after getting up at 7am, instead of getting ready for bed. My parents made a rare 2 night stay to go see my uncle in Kingsport, TN, for quintuple bypass surgery. Bud has been one of the few stationary male members of my family; he and my maternal aunt Marilyn have been married since 1967. It was so hard to watch Marilyn yesterday, seeing her worry beside the bed of a husband she has had 39 years. I have sat that watch myself, and it hurt to watch. I couldn't even bring myself to go into ICU to see him with his ventilator and wires everywhere. Too many bad memories.

More bad memories to ponder on the drive home to Pikeville. My mother and I discussed her parenting skills, or lack of them ( in her opinion!!!). What had brought up the conversation was watching my cousin Dawn with her two little boys, ages 3 and 18 months. The boys were tired, hungry, cranky, whiny, and both threw a fit at the end of the evening. Dawn, who is also 7 months pregnant with her third boy, showed stress but never lost her composure. The discussion in the car on the way home went from me doubting my ability to be a parent to 3 children under the age of 5, to my mother's parenting skills. She had so many regrets, and she shouldn't have. It was not her fault my dad was a low life scum who wasn't man enough to help raise the children he fathered. She did what any single mother does: she did the best she could with what she had. Yes my sister and I have issues from childhood, but they are issues she in no way made worse from her parenting. She raised 2 daughters who got really good grades (my sister was 3rd in her class, I was in the top 10%), didn't get pregnant, and went on to live decent lives. You can't do better as a parent that turn out functional members of society. I hope and pray when and if my time comes to carry on the gene pool I can do as well.

As for my uncle, at 8am this morning, had been removed from the respirator, has sat up, and has done a short walk. His prognosis is excellent..Thank the Goddess.

Happy Birthday Sis

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Samantha,( the lil sis that strangers think is the older of us 2 hehe)
Happy Birthday to you!!!!!

Samantha is 33 today. You could not find two sisters more different in the world than us. She is a cost accountant for a big auto parts company. I am a housewife-artist-free spirit.
We share a set of parents, upbringing, and looks, and that's about it. It took us a long time to develop a friendship, since our family got a great deal of sadistic glee out of pitting us against each other in high school. After we both moved away from home, we were able to work on a friendship.

I can tell you the exact day we became friends on top of being sisters. Sam picked me up at Cincinnati airport in 1998, for our aunt's funeral. We drove 3 hours to get from Cincy to Inez, and in that time we finally got over all the crap from childhood and bonded. We talked about our childhoods, the abuse, the way we dealt with it differently (I withdrew, she acted out). We talked about our marriages and children and our aunt. I will never forget that drive.

An idea whos Time has come..

Madrid bans too-thin models from catwalk --AFP
"MADRID (AFP) - Excessively skinny fashion models will be barred from a major Madrid fashion show later this month for fear they could send the wrong message to young
Spanish girls, local media reported.

Madrid's regional government, which is co-financing the Pasarela Cibeles, has vetoed around a third of the models who took part in last year's show because they weigh too little.

The authorities collaborated with a Spanish health organisation to come up with a minimum body mass -- a height-weight ratio -- of 18 for the models.

Spanish daily ABC said it was the first time such restrictions had been imposed on a fashion show, although a recent wedding dress exhibition in Barcelona banned fashion models who took a dress size below 38 (British size 10, US size eight).

Several models at last year's show provoked a row when they claimed their careers would be under threat if they put on weight.

Organisers said they wanted to "help ensure public opinion does not associate fashion, and fashion shows in particular, with an increase in anorexia, a disease which, along with bulimia, is considered ... as a mental and behavioural problem'.

This is refreshing. I LOATHE the fashion industry. Yes I like cool clothes and shoes as much as the next woman. Also, I am realistic about my size. I have never been below a size 14 in my adult life, and never think I will. Yet, every fucking fashion magazine I pick up has women at least a size 4 (and that's generous) and below between its cover. I can't relate to these women, and the designers do not make haute couture or pret a porte in my size. So even if I could afford the damn clothes, I couldn't wear them. The fact that at least one of the major fashion shows is cracking down is a breath of fresh air. I just wonder where they found models big enough.

4 years...Letter to a dead man

Hello Honey,
You want to know something funny? I almost forgot this anniversary of your death. I was cleaning house, dealing with new meds, and getting ready to spend the weekend at the new in-laws, and it dawned on me. This past year I remarried, as you told me to. Daniel is an incredible man. You would like him, after being jealous, lol. I haven't talked to lil' John and Martha for over a year, or seen the kids. Sam and Charles and Rhea are thriving, despite Charles' health problems. I invited your brothers and sisters to the wedding, but didn't expect them to come. It would have been painful for them, but I thought it was the right thing to do. I am still cross stitching, and slowly planning to start painting again. I still have the easel you bought me for Yule. We are trying to have a baby, Daniel and I, and I don't know what you would think about that. we tried to have one, I know, but something just didn't connect. Intercede to the Goddess for me, John, so I can have a healthy baby, ok?
I love you always,
Zezrie

Primetime special on Swinging

I watched the special Primetime had on ABC about swinging. John Stossel is a good reporter, but his methods of asking the questions, condescending and judgemental, annoyed me. Yes, he asked the normal questions about swinging in a manner any outsider would ask them. Yet, there was so much that was left unsaid. They didn't mention that this lifestyle is normally more about having a group of friends in the lifestyle that you happen to play with, than it is being on the prowl for new strangers to fuck. I happen to LOATHE first time encounters with new people. Daniel and I see it as having a committed circle of friends-with-benefits. These same friends did as much to help us set up for our wedding as family did. And that's how we see them: as family.

As for the couples' therapists that saw swinging as damaging to a marriage, I have this to say: I consider trust to be the biggest part of my marriage. I have had previous relationships ruined by cheating. I would rather be open with the fact that we are both human and attracted to other people, than feeling the need to lie to ourselves and cheat.
One person cannot be all things to their spouse. Its a matter of respect that we give each other the freedom to grow.

The one thing I am glad Primetime showed is that all Swingers are NOT model types. Swingers come from all walks of life, in all shapes, sizes, and socio-economic levels. The couples they interviewed were respectable, fully contributing members of society. Not every body type appeals to all people, and The Lifestyle has all kinds.

I believe that Swingers have a more progressive life view than others. We realize that monogamy does not work to keep marriages solvent most times. The fact that more couples, otherwise known as "normal" to the outside world, are realizing this and opening up their relationships is a positive thing. Primetime was a good first step, but the media needs more positive programming to show this.

Answer to a common question

We have a friend we know locally that Daniel has been wanting to play with. I'll call her M. M posted an email to our MySpace account asking us about Swinging, and how we handled jealousy. Daniel, the prolific writer, wrote a huge email to her, and I enclosed my own 2 cents. Here they are:

"Hi Melissa,
Daniel told me about your question about jealousy. Yes,
sometimes I do get a little jealous. However, I consider
jealousy my problem, not his. If I get jealous of someone,
that's my insecurity coming through. When I feel a little
jealous, its normally caused by me not feeling good about
myself, and comparing myself to the other woman. It has
nothing to do with him. I respect him, love him with all of my
heart, and know that my trust in him and our marriage will
never be betrayed.
Mostly, I really enjoy seeing him have sex with other women. I
know how good in bed he is, and it gives me a sense of
fiendish delight in thinking, "Yes, this man is the hottest thing
in this room, and he's coming home with me!" I have a sense
of pride in being his wife, and it turns me on thinking I get the
lion's share of his skills, LOL. I hope this helps, and if you
have anymore questions, just let Daniel or I know.
Z"

heartsick

When I grew apart from Mr. Cool (the older man I dated who turned me to Escorting), I thought he would be an adult about it. Ever since January, he has went insane with accusations about me stealing off him. To answer some accusations:

1) I had permission, when we were dating, to put my Vonage bill and about 150$ of clothes on his Visa account, with his permission. Now that its all over, he calls it stealing. He is so strung out on drugs he doesn't remember giving permission for me to use it. Go figure. When I was sharing profits with him from the whoring, I gave him over $1000 dollars. Kind of makes the difference up for a 50$ Vonage bill and $150 worth of clothes.

2) He accused me of putting extra cabins on his credit card for parties. The only time we put a cabin on his credit card was in Aug. 2005 WITH HIS PERMISSION! The rest of the parties we held for him was paid for by the cover charge.

3) He accused me of taking the portable bar profits from him. We couldn't get access to the bar he paid for, so we bought our own, since it was easier to have the bar where the parties were. The profits went right back into the bar.

4) He accused me of taking membership fees, and not turning them in to him. We never collected any membership fees to give him. It was late in the year, and we were too busy trying to keep the club afloat in his absence.

So hes been bitching about this on his yahoo club site for months now. I haven't posted on his site since I left his group in late January. Today, we tried to broker a deal with "Buffy" his representative by agreeing to send him a membership invite to our club in the understanding he would lay off the accusations. He promptly turns around and posts this crap to Rockers, a regional swing group we are affiliated with. He was reprimanded for posting personal crap on the site, but the damage was done.

I do not know what its going to take to totally sever ties with him. He threatens to tell me stuff about Daniel he supposedly has, then tries to say "oh its not about money, I just want to be friends again-lets forget it all." When we agree to be friends again, he shoots off another post online belittling us. WTF?

I am ready to give our group over to other members, and leave the lifestyle, where all our other friends are, to have it over with him. Daniel says that allows him to win, but I don't know what else to do...

POETRY ALERT..Kubla Khan

Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Kubla Khan OR, A VISION IN A DREAM.A FRAGMENT.


In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree :
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round :
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree ;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh ! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !
A savage place ! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced :
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail :
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean :
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war !

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves ;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice !
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw :
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome ! those caves of ice !
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware ! Beware !
His flashing eyes, his floating hair !
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Renting from the backwoods mafia

The main reason for my bad temper lately is that my beloved husband is having to live with his boss closer to work, then comes home to me on the weekends. He was having to drive 2 hours each way besides working a 12 hour shift. Now hes 15 minutes away, and only makes the long trip twice a week. I miss him terribly, and am pretty isolated. The answer is to move closer to his work, right?

Easier said than done. Now, in most reasonably populated and civilized areas, if there was a house to rent it is either in the local paper, or there are For Rent signs. Not in Logan County WV. You have to actually know someone to get info on renting a property. I have called 3 dozen (no exaggeration) people, then get numbers of 3 dozen other people, to be told they don't have anything to rent. The few that are actually posted in the Logan Banner (http://www.loganbanner.com/) are usually trailers or small apartments. I refuse to live in trailers, since they are: 1) death traps, and 2) crappy to live in. So, since we are trying to have a child, a house is the way we want to go, but we might have to see about another apartment, and they are just as hard to find there.

The other option is moving to Beckley, WV, a decently populated city. The road from Beckley to Toneys Fork, where Daniel works, is not a safe one during the winter, so this has been shot down. I am going nuts trying to find something!!

I hate...a rant to make me feel better

I hate it that Daniel is working so far away. I hate not seeing him that much. I hate disappointing him. I hate disappointing myself. I hate being alone in this house all day. I hate not being able to go anywhere. I hate not being able to work. I hate being exhausted, and being sick. I hate being such a fuck up. I hate it that no one will teach me to drive. I hate it that I cant bring myself to paint. I hate it that I'm ugly. I hate the fact I haven't been to Key West in 4 years. I hate that I have no close friends that can come to the house. I hate that I just cant walk out the door anymore and do things. I hate being stupid. I hate I hate I hate......

The Duh Factor, an ongoing series: Report: Paramount Terminates Tom Cruise's Contract

" Aug. 22, 2006 — Paramount Pictures is terminating its 14-year relationship with Tom Cruise — one of the most successful actors in Hollywood history — because of the actor's off-screen behavior, according to a report published late Tuesday in the Wall Street Journal. "

Ok, was anyone surprised by this? Normally I tread lightly about dissing another person's religion, since I practice a misunderstood faith myself. However, I can't let this slip past. Has Tom Cruise gotten so hypnotised by Scientology that he has no concept about how the outside world works? When your religion has you so far outside the mainstream that you start to bite the hand that feeds you, i.e. the movie-going public that buy the tickets for your movies, you either need to wake up, or accept the consequences. In the real world, if any regular person acted as bizzarre as Tom Cruise has, their job would be on the line too. Except, if we get fired we don't lose millions.

As I said before, I am an elder in Witchcraft, so I have no right to criticise Scientology per se. I am , however, a firm believer in personal responsibility. Welcome to the real world, Tom.

HAHAHAHAH IM A RUNNER AGAIN!!!

After a week of building up, I can now state categorically I'm a runner again! Oh, how I have missed it, the nice endorphin rush. I am a almost ashamed of the smugness I now feel when I walk into Wal-Mart and see women bigger than I am, although I am by no means a small woman. Its just the satisfaction of knowing I'm TRYING, that I'm doing something about my weight and health. Daniel supports me 110%, and thinks I'm transforming in front of him. We want to have a baby, and I am worried about my fertility, so the weight loss will help.
Currently I have made it to: 5 minute warm up, then 1 minute of running-2 minutes of walking-repeat pattern 7 times, then 5 minute cool down. It reads like this on my sheet: 5mwarm-1m R &2 m Wx7, 5m cool. It has taken me 3 days to work up to this, the first day I was only able to do 5 repeats. After 4 days of that pattern, I go to 1m R-1mWx7, till eventually I am running 20 minutes straight. This will probably take me till late October to do. I am hoping to find a 5k to run in maybe by February. I'm overestimating everything cause I know how the fibromyalgia gets in the cold weather. So, wish me luck!

Art envy

My painting rut has lasted 8 months now. I have a basement to paint in, I have the supplies, just don't have the desire. And I see all these sites with all these painters doing good work, and I feel sick inside. I'm so afraid that I will truly find out I suck as a painter that I'm afraid to try. I love taking painting classes and make B's in them, but I feel like some big wannabe baby. Yes, I'm bitching. Yes, I'm a crybaby. Yes I should get off my lazy ass and do something. The fear is palpable. it goes to show you I am certifiable.

The few, the brave, and my message to them

I have this nifty counter linked to my blog called Tracksy. Tracksy has a cool extra that lets you see where some of the people who read you come from, and how many times they have visited your blog. Nothing else, though, to identify them. It lets me know that I have a fan in Dubai who has read my blog 5 times, and one in Atlanta who has read me some 27 times. I don't use tracksy to be nosy, it just fascinates me how small the internet has made the world. You know, you all don't have to be anonymous... Please leave comments, send me emails, anything!!! I think my writing lately has been boring and trite and I'm amazed anyone reads me anymore, LOL. I promise, once again to do better. And please, check out some of the bloggers I have links for, they are truly a humbling bunch.

help for Granny

Finn, the son of Liz, the author of Granny Gets a Vibrator, has created a paypal account on his site for his mom to help for medical bills. Here is the link: http://finwake.blogspot.com/2006/08/paypal-link.html. The name of the account is "The "New Shoes" for Liz Fund". As someone who, at the time of my husbands death, looked at a 3 MILLION DOLLAR medical bill, I know the challenge she faces. Every little bit helps.

Encouragement

The writer of one of my favorite blogs, Granny Gets A Vibrator, has just been diagnosed with cancer, either Lymphoma or Lung, they aren't sure yet. The first few posts have reminded me about my life with John, and his diagnoses. I posted a huge not on her comments page, and yet I am a stranger. She is tired and overwhelmed, has no insurance (as most people don't in this country), and is getting her first taste of the inhumanities of the medical profession. She needs the moral support of all readers and fellow bloggers, so either click the link on this entry, or in my links list, and check out this wonderful woman and support her in her struggle!!!

What I look like

Just in case anyone wanted to see what I look like:
This is Daniel and I after we cut the cake.
The second pic is my father and I walking down the isle.

Moving....Again....

We have come to find out that Daniel will have a new job (same company) in a new area in a few weeks. Currently, he drives an hour and a half one way to get to work. The new job will add a extra half hour each way. So, in the best interest of keeping my husband sane, and our finances in the black, we have decided to move to West Virginia. We had a heads up about this a few weeks ago, but on the hearing the final decision, I had a full blown anxiety attack so bad that Daniel had to leave work to come home to settle me down (this will not become a regular occurrence!).

It's not that I hate West Virginia-on the contrary. There is plenty I love about WV. I went to college for 2 years at Marshal University in Huntington. Most of my college friends were from Charleston or northern WV, which is gorgeous. Most of West Virginia is highly underrated. My fear was about where we were moving: south central WV, more precisely the Logan area. Logan is a city of about 8500, and any city bigger is about an hours drive away. Its not the state per se, its the rural versus semi urban that is part of this region.

I love city life. The ability to walk to movies, concerts, museums, and such delights me. I love living in the middle of things. I lived right in the middle of several urban areas (Lexington, Portland, Savannah), and smaller tourist towns with lots packed into a small space (Jackson Hole, and Key West). It was heavenly. There is nothing worse than the feeling of being stranded in an area where you cant walk to anything. The Pikeville of my childhood wasn't this way, it has grown to be.

I felt these same feelings when I moved from Lexington to Pikeville. I happen to like Pikeville now. We have a mutually satisfying relationship. I want to make life easier on Daniel, he does so much and asks for so little in return. My anxiety attack was me worrying that I would go insane in such a small town. However, I have since calmed down into a more practical frame of mind. We will be close enough to Charleston and Huntington to see civilization on weekends. Daniel hates the rural as much as I do, so we will be able to escape as much as necessary.

I just hate the moving process. My dad was a wanderer, so was my first husband. I have lived in or traveled through 40 states. At one point I changed schools 3 times in one year. With my first husband, we got used to having all our worldly possessions pared down to 8 suitcases. I love to travel, I loathe to move residences. In my old age, I have become very resistant to change of residences. This is bad. Change is the norm, normalcy the exception. With help, I should make it through this change, and deal with my Cancer psyche wanting to cling to the same shell.

Thoughts on being 35

Last week, on July 9, I turned 35. We had a small swinger meet and greet and karaoke. I played, and enjoyed it. I kept thinking that I should be feeling one of two things: 1)euphoria that I made it to 35; or, 2) miserable as hell that I'm getting older. I felt neither. In fact, I felt rather blase about the whole thing.

I think I'm holding together pretty good, considering. I'm walking up to 35 minutes a day. Went to the doctor today and found out I lost 10lbs in 5 weeks...not bad. I have a gorgeous husband who adores me as I adore him. I wish I was doing more creative endeavors, but otherwise, I have no complaints nor regrets.

I actually like my age. All my older women friends still have it going on well past their mid-fifties. There's actually a sense of relief in some strange way. It seemed like from 18-34, I was working very hard to please my male partners, my family, or society in general. Now I have this nifty feeling of only having to please myself. I've come to the realization that there are some things I wanted to do that I can't now (like be in the military), and I'm OK with it. I feel comfy in my own skin, finally.

I feel pretty

The past year, since I quit escorting, has been a trying time with my sexuality. I felt like I no longer owned my body. I became selfish with my self concerning sex. I really didn't want to play with anyone. No one seemed to appeal to me except for Daniel and a very short list of longtime play partners. I figured out since I let anonymous people have me for money, only the the most select people I WANTED I played with. This has been hard to explain to Daniel. We would go to parties and nothing. The guy just wouldn't turn me on. There might have been nothing wrong with him; they just didn't appeal to me. Daniel kept thinking I wanted to leave the lifestyle, and it was nothing of the sort. I love swinging, and the friends we have made. Also, I didn't (and still don't) care if Daniel plays with others. I just wasn't interested.
Top this with a sudden weight gain from November to May, and I felt ugly and fat on top of not interested. There has been a change recently. I started walking again, and I've started to lose weight. Not a lot for people to notice right away, but enough for me to know. My wedding band set fits better. My clothes are feeling better. My energy is up. Before this I felt like no one would think me attractive because of the blubber. And, as a self-fulfilling prophesy, some guys in couples didn't want to play with me because of my size. Since that fell in a time of "I don't want to play anyway" , the rejection didn't bother me so much as Daniel not being able to play (Note: in Swinging, some couples will only play with another couple in the same room, called true swap.). Now, the past few parties I feel rejuvenated. So much so that the last house party I felt freer than I have in awhile. Yes I know I'm still fat, but I am doing something about it. Thus, I feel sexier. The true benefit of self responsibility.

Reawakening

Hello All,
Yes I have been damn lazy with the posting lately. I love summer and like to go outside, so not a lot of inside writing time. I have restarted the whole fitness process, like oiling a very rusty engine. It takes much time and effort to return to a place you were before. I have been walking three weeks now, almost every day. I hope to run/walk a 5k in September, and run/walk a 10k in November. My goal is to run a whole race with no walking. Of course, this plan takes time but I go forward, one day and one baby step at a time. I'm up to walking 25 minutes at a time and by the end of this walking program ( http://www.thewalkingsite.com/12week.html) I will be walking up to an hour every other day. I will then start the Couch-to-5K Running Plan http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml and see if I can be ready for the race in November. One day, if I don't destroy every joint in my body, Id love to run a half and full marathon. Being on my way to being fit again has made me feel better about myself.
Daniel is delighted that I am doing this. He is always worrying about my health, and this is helping. I have been having a spell of pain this week, from what I really don't know. Just general achyness in varying degrees. Right now at 2:03 pm, I just feel tired. Last night I was in so much pain I had to take a pain cocktail (2 arthritis strength Tylenol {1300 mg}, 2 Aleve, and a glass of anything caffeinated-AT THE SAME TIME). This concoction was told to me by a doctor, and only used maybe twice a month, since I happen to be really fond of my liver and kidneys. I think it is just my Fibromyalgia reminding me not to get cocky, its still there.

New look and what's been up for a month

I haven't heard any reviews about the new look of the site...proving my point that no one reads it! I have been fighting a extended period of existential lethargy (i.e laziness). I have partially set up a new painting studio in the garage. My sewing room has a dress pattern cut out and ready to put together. And I have done nothing, nada zip. I want my life to have some creative meaning, but I am paralyzed. It could be perfectionism-procrastination, or just being bored. I don't know.

My first month of marriage has been an idyllic one. WE are very much in love and in synch with each other. I made the right choice in following Daniel into the bathroom to say I wanted to play with him. I told an abbreviated version of that story to my niece before the wedding, and the logical mind of this 9 year old going on 20 was shock. How could I go into a bathroom after a BOY! My sage advice was that sometimes honey, you got to reach out and take what you want, and listen to your gut. I should be taking that advice personally about my creativity.

Questions with no good answers

There was a situation not too long ago that happened that I haven't had a chance to sort out in my writings, that I feel I need to address. We were at a swing party, Daniel and I, and were supposed to play with a couple we really liked, that we had been wanting to play with for awhile. Another couple (known here as couple X for privacy), decided to stay, and we couldn't really tell them that the playtime was private. The male part of Couple X I have know for a bit, and have never really been attracted to, decided to play with me. So I decided to take one for the team, because I didn't want to cause trouble by saying no. We started with oral, and I was feeling absolutely no pleasure, so I decided to fake it. The longer I played with him, the more icky I felt, and it didn't feel good. We were doing it doggie style and somehow, he almost penetrated me anally. By accident or on purpose, I don't know. Long time readers will know about my sexual assault-sodomy by my ex, and how I have been dealing with it. At that point I jumped up to the bathroom, and got sick. I just cried and shook. A few minutes later Daniel came in and I told him what happened. He got into the shower with me as I tried to scrub my skin off. I felt less dirty as an Escort.
I didn't come out of the bathroom until couple X left. Luckily, the other couple we were supposed to play with we are close to and I was able to tell them this wasn't their fault. So now the thought of playing with anyone I'm not absolutely 100% attracted too, gives me a kicked-in-the-stomach feeling. So here are a few of the problems this recent situation brings up.
First, I want to make it clear that I love the Swing lifestyle, and do NOT want to leave it. However, it feels like it will be impossible to play with anyone I do not want to play with 100%. And at this point, I could take playing or leave it. The problem is I don't want Daniel to feel guilty for playing himself, and I don't want to feel guilty for saying no. We have a play date set up in the near future, and the male partner of the couple is a nice guy, but too young for me and I'd rather just watch. I am afraid I will be nudged into playing and I'm not sure I'm ready to play with a new person yet. I'm also afraid that I will knock Daniel out of playing with a couple that only play with couples. The good side is that a party is coming up in a few weeks that I think I will be fine at, all the couples are cool and there are several couples there I would LOVE to play with. I hope this will work itself out.

Buddhist Wisdom

"Ananda said: 'Friendship with what is lovely, association with what is lovely, intimacy with what is lovely--that is half of the holy life.'

The Buddha responded: 'Don't say that, Ananda. It's the whole not the half of the holy life. One so blessed with what is lovely will develop a right way of being, a thinking that no longer grasps at what is untrue, an aim that is concerned and ready, a contemplation that is unattached and free. Association with what is lovely is the whole of the holy life.' "

-Samyutta Nikaya
From 'The Pocket Buddha Reader,' edited by Anne Bancroft, 2000.

POETRY ALERT

"I am standing upon a seashore. A ship at my side
spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and
starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty
and strength, and I stand and watch unitl at last she
hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea
and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then
someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'
Gone where? Gone from my sight...that is all. She is
just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was
when she left my side and just as able to bear her
load of living freight to the place of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at
the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she
goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and
their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here
she comes!' "
- Henry Van Dyke, A Parable of Immortality

The Announcement

We've decided on forever
and forever begins when we
Tabitha Ramos
and
Daniel Napier
get married on
May 13, 2006
at 5:00 PM
The ceremony and reception will be held at
Russel Acton Folk Center
212 Jefferson Street,
Berea, KY 40403
Semi-Formal Attire, or Pirate/"Princess Bride" Costume
R.S.V.P. to
http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/TabithaRamos&DanielNapier

Writing my new name

I found myself practicing my new name. It is only the second time in my life, after learning to write, that my signature has changed. The muscles in my hand is grumpy, they have been lazy. My signature was down to a science. Now, my hand and mind has to think about what its doing. Witches believe that life goes in circles. I can trace my circle: widow, slut, swinger, whore, friend, lover, girlfriend, fiancee, and now finally again, wife. Maybe I'll start a new circle, mother.

10 Days to go

Well the major things have been done. The clothes and tack have been ordered and in the process of delivery. Most of my bridal party has it together. There is so much minutia to a wedding. However I am blissfully happy and looking forward to the day.

Shakespeare's Sonnett 116

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Mabillard, Amanda. An Analysis of Shakespeare's Sonnet 116. Shakespeare Online. 2000. (04/25/2006 ) <>.

[ANALYSIS
[Lines 1-2]* T.G. Tucker explains that the first two lines are "[a] manifest allusion to the words of the Marriage Service: 'If any of you know cause or just impediment why these two persons should not be joined together in holy matrimony'; cf. Much Ado 4.1.12. 'If either of you know any inward impediment why you should not be conjoined.' Where minds are true - in possessing love in the real sense dwelt upon in the following lines - there can be no 'impediments' through change of circumstances, outward appearance, or temporary lapses in conduct". (T.G. Tucker, ed. Sonnets of Shakespeare. Cambridge: University Press, 1924, [192])[Line 5]* 'mark' = a beacon to warn mariners of dangerous rocks.
Sonnet 116 is about love in its most ideal form. It is praising the glories of lovers who have come to each other freely, and enter into a relationship based on trust and understanding. The first four lines reveal the poet's pleasure in love that is constant and strong, and will not "alter when it alteration finds". The following lines proclaim that true love is indeed an "ever-fix'd mark" which will survive any crisis. In lines 7-8, the poet claims that we may be able to measure love to some degree, but this does not mean we fully understand it. Love's actual worth cannot be known -- it remains a mystery. The remaining lines of the third quatrain (9-12), reaffirm the perfect nature of love that is unshakeable throughout time and remains so "ev'n to the edge of doom", or death. In the final couplet, the poet declares that, if he is mistaken about the constant, unmovable nature of perfect love, then he must take back all his writings on love, truth, and faith. Moreover, he adds that, if he has in fact judged love inappropriately, no man has ever really loved, in the ideal sense that the poet professes. The details of Sonnet 116 are best described by Tucker Brooke in his acclaimed edition of Shakespeare's poems:
[In Sonnet 116] the chief pause in sense is after the twelfth line. Seventy-five per cent of the words are monosyllables; only three contain more syllables than two; none belong in any degree to the vocabulary of 'poetic' diction. There is nothing recondite, exotic, or metaphysical in the thought. There are three run-on lines, one pair of double-endings. There is nothing to remark about the rhyming except the happy blending of open and closed vowels, and of liquids, nasals, and stops; nothing to say about the harmony except to point out how the fluttering accents in the quatrains give place in the couplet to the emphatic march of the almost unrelieved iambic feet. In short, the poet has employed one hundred and ten of the simplest words in the language and the two simplest rhyme-schemes to produce a poem which has about it no strangeness whatever except the strangeness of perfection. (Brooke, ed. The Sonnets. London: Oxford UP: 1936, 234)

18 Days to go

The wedding is shaping up nicely. The site is booked, the food is coming along. My dress is ready for final fittings, and Daniel's things are on the way. The minor snafus is making sure that all our attendants have their things and are ready. I have to ask one more person to take part in the ceremony: Dee. Her and Bob have been married 33 years so I think she is fully qualified to read Sonnet 116. I need to get the seating plan sent to the site so they can get everything set up for us. There is always something I'm forgetting. Oh yeah, got to order the wedding cake this weekend!

The DUH Factor, the first in an ongoing series

I am starting a new rant string called the DUH Factor, dedicated to news stories that insult our intelligence by being painfully obvious. Here is the first:

"Goth" youths more likely to self-harm: study - Yahoo! News

"LONDON (Reuters) - Young people who adopt the "Goth" lifestyle of dark clothes and introspective music are more likely to commit self-harm or attempt suicide than other youngsters, according to a study on Friday. "

"Michael van Beinum, a child-and-adolescent psychiatrist, said the Goth subculture might be attractive to young people with mental health problems, allowing them to find a community where their distress might be more easily understood. "

You have a subculture that digs gothic images, black clothing and makeup, vampire literature, and Marilyn Manson, made up mostly of young adults who are so alienated by our culture that they strike back by dressing like corpses, and scaring the crap out of high school administrations everywhere. It took a scientific study to tell the public that this group is more likely to commit or attempt suicide than their mainstream peers......

DUH !!!!!!

Ghosts and Dreams

Angel and Tish have been on my mind lately, a lot. Tish is my mothers younger sister, who died of lung cancer six years ago at the age of 39. Angel was her daughter, who died at the age of 12 three years ago. I have been having dreams about Tish. She had a set of wedding bands she loved that were worth quite a bit to her emotionally and financially. My dreams are that she tries to throw them away, to actually flush them down a toilet. I keep asking her what the hell she is doing, has she lost her mind? However, she never says anything back. She just continues to try to pull them off and disperse with them in one flush. She never succeeds, but I end up walking away disgusted, and waking up confused. I've had these dreams on and off for the past two weeks. Then I went on my 3 times weekly walkabout in Pikeville, and saw the ghost...

The holler (hollow, to those unfamiliar with the local vernacular) road that goes past the apartment to Riverfill Road goes past Pikeville hospital, where coincidentally, Tish died. I was walking past the hospital when I glanced down the hill and spotted a woman pushing a stroller with a handicapped child in it. I was about 50 yards up the hill, looking from a distance through weakening glasses. But, the child that woman was pushing was Angel,I would have sworn on my life. The dark curly hair that was so wiry it would not be brushed down was the same, fought into pig tails. Ice blue eyes stared back at me, and smiled. I actually almost stumbled when I saw her, going so far as slamming my eyes shut to make sure I wasn't seeing things. The vision did not change. The woman put the child in a car, and drove away. I was bereft. The last time I saw Angel was in her casket, and then she shows up where I least expect it. I cried, but kept on walking to gain composure before the natives thought I had lost my mind.

I never had closure with either of them. Tish died while I was in Oregon, and Angel died when I was in Lexington, 150 miles away. I never got to say goodbye properly. Its no question I miss them both terribly. It has even gone so far as for me to seek out where Tish's wedding rings actually went. To my relief, Tish's whole jewelry box is in my sisters possession. Would wearing those rings bring me any closure? I doubt it, and I wouldn't ask Raymond (Tish's widower, Angel's father) for the permission. It would be too painful. And yet....I had that dream again last night. This time she was pulling on them so hard her finger bled. The only explanations I can come up with is that I just miss them, and the upcoming wedding is making me feel their loss even more.

Rapture! A fan letter

I am always just tickled to death when people write me and tell me they not only read my blog, but enjoy it enough to write me about it! Here is the letter in its entirety"

"Actually I was browsing and came across your profile, which then led to your Blog, and just thought you enjoy hearing/reading that for some reason I just couldn't get enough/stop myself. Therefore, best of luck with all your new & wonderful adventures, and definitely please continue to contribute online material for all your (new)fans :)"

S.M [name withheld to protect the innocent, LOL]

Thanks!

ITMFA

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Thanks Dad

I haven't spoken about my biological father much on this blog. He was, and still is, a complex, troubled man. He was the youngest child of a very wealthy couple in South Western Virginia, who he found out later was really his aunt and uncle who adopted him. He went to Vietnam, and came back twisted. He has been an abuser, and is a cross dresser. He disappeared when I was 11 years old, and I found him at age 28. I've seen him once in that time. I speak about him now because his birthday is coming up this week, and I doubt I'll call him. The reason I wanted to write about him is to thank him.

Starting at about 9 years old, he started making me call people for him for information. He would listen to my speaking voice and correct my grammar, enunciation, and timing. He told me he did it because I was so shy I couldn't look someone in the face, much less talk to them clearly. He would make me call and order pizza. I would be the one he made to call about movie times (at a time you talked to a human being for such information). After the call it was nag nag nag if I spoke too fast, or stuttered. Sometimes I would cry it was so bad. He was known for his persuasive use of language, i.e, he could sell swampland in Florida. He told me he didn't want to be ashamed of me. Now, all these years later, I am known for being fairly articulate. I was a telephone operator, and don't mind public speaking. If I had to pick one trait I'm proud of, its my speaking. Thanks Dad

LYRICS ALERT...Z'S FEELING FRISKY

Ah yes...Spring is in the air. I'm getting married in 6 weeks, the antidepressants are working again, and I finally found this song, that I haven't heard in at least 13 years....It brings back very sexy memories



"Sex (I'm A...) "
Berlin

"Feel the fire, feel my love inside you it's so right
There's the sound and the smell of love in my mind
I'm a toy, come and play with me, say the word now
Wrap your legs around mine and ride me tonight

I'm a man - I'm a goddess
I'm a man - Well I'm a virgin
I'm a man - I'm a blue movie
I'm a man - I'm a bitch
I'm a man - I'm a geisha
I'm a man - I'm a little girl
And we make love together

Slip and slide in your wet delight, feel the blood flow
Not too fast, don't be slow, my love's in your hands

I'm a man - I'm a boy
I'm a man - Well I'm your mother
I'm a man - I'm a one night stand
I'm a man - Am I bi
I'm a man - I'm a slave
I'm a man - I'm a little girl
And we make love together

Skin to skin, tongue to oooh! Come on honey hold tight
Come inside, it's a passion play just for you
Let's get lost in that magic place all alone now
Drink your fill from my fountain of love, wet your lips

I'm a man - I'm a teaser
I'm a man - Well I'm a virgin
I'm a man - I'm a one night stand
I'm a man - I'm a drug
I'm a man - Well I'm your slave
I'm a man - I'm a dream divine
And we make love together

I'm a man - I'm a goddess
I'm a man - I'm a hooker
I'm a man - I'm a blue movie
I'm a man - I'm a slut
I'm a man - I'm a geisha
I'm a man - I'm babe
I'm a man - I'm a dream divine
And we make love together
And we'll make love forever"