heartsick

When I grew apart from Mr. Cool (the older man I dated who turned me to Escorting), I thought he would be an adult about it. Ever since January, he has went insane with accusations about me stealing off him. To answer some accusations:

1) I had permission, when we were dating, to put my Vonage bill and about 150$ of clothes on his Visa account, with his permission. Now that its all over, he calls it stealing. He is so strung out on drugs he doesn't remember giving permission for me to use it. Go figure. When I was sharing profits with him from the whoring, I gave him over $1000 dollars. Kind of makes the difference up for a 50$ Vonage bill and $150 worth of clothes.

2) He accused me of putting extra cabins on his credit card for parties. The only time we put a cabin on his credit card was in Aug. 2005 WITH HIS PERMISSION! The rest of the parties we held for him was paid for by the cover charge.

3) He accused me of taking the portable bar profits from him. We couldn't get access to the bar he paid for, so we bought our own, since it was easier to have the bar where the parties were. The profits went right back into the bar.

4) He accused me of taking membership fees, and not turning them in to him. We never collected any membership fees to give him. It was late in the year, and we were too busy trying to keep the club afloat in his absence.

So hes been bitching about this on his yahoo club site for months now. I haven't posted on his site since I left his group in late January. Today, we tried to broker a deal with "Buffy" his representative by agreeing to send him a membership invite to our club in the understanding he would lay off the accusations. He promptly turns around and posts this crap to Rockers, a regional swing group we are affiliated with. He was reprimanded for posting personal crap on the site, but the damage was done.

I do not know what its going to take to totally sever ties with him. He threatens to tell me stuff about Daniel he supposedly has, then tries to say "oh its not about money, I just want to be friends again-lets forget it all." When we agree to be friends again, he shoots off another post online belittling us. WTF?

I am ready to give our group over to other members, and leave the lifestyle, where all our other friends are, to have it over with him. Daniel says that allows him to win, but I don't know what else to do...

POETRY ALERT..Kubla Khan

Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Kubla Khan OR, A VISION IN A DREAM.A FRAGMENT.


In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree :
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round :
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree ;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh ! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !
A savage place ! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced :
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail :
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean :
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war !

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves ;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice !
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw :
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome ! those caves of ice !
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware ! Beware !
His flashing eyes, his floating hair !
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Renting from the backwoods mafia

The main reason for my bad temper lately is that my beloved husband is having to live with his boss closer to work, then comes home to me on the weekends. He was having to drive 2 hours each way besides working a 12 hour shift. Now hes 15 minutes away, and only makes the long trip twice a week. I miss him terribly, and am pretty isolated. The answer is to move closer to his work, right?

Easier said than done. Now, in most reasonably populated and civilized areas, if there was a house to rent it is either in the local paper, or there are For Rent signs. Not in Logan County WV. You have to actually know someone to get info on renting a property. I have called 3 dozen (no exaggeration) people, then get numbers of 3 dozen other people, to be told they don't have anything to rent. The few that are actually posted in the Logan Banner (http://www.loganbanner.com/) are usually trailers or small apartments. I refuse to live in trailers, since they are: 1) death traps, and 2) crappy to live in. So, since we are trying to have a child, a house is the way we want to go, but we might have to see about another apartment, and they are just as hard to find there.

The other option is moving to Beckley, WV, a decently populated city. The road from Beckley to Toneys Fork, where Daniel works, is not a safe one during the winter, so this has been shot down. I am going nuts trying to find something!!

I hate...a rant to make me feel better

I hate it that Daniel is working so far away. I hate not seeing him that much. I hate disappointing him. I hate disappointing myself. I hate being alone in this house all day. I hate not being able to go anywhere. I hate not being able to work. I hate being exhausted, and being sick. I hate being such a fuck up. I hate it that no one will teach me to drive. I hate it that I cant bring myself to paint. I hate it that I'm ugly. I hate the fact I haven't been to Key West in 4 years. I hate that I have no close friends that can come to the house. I hate that I just cant walk out the door anymore and do things. I hate being stupid. I hate I hate I hate......

The Duh Factor, an ongoing series: Report: Paramount Terminates Tom Cruise's Contract

" Aug. 22, 2006 — Paramount Pictures is terminating its 14-year relationship with Tom Cruise — one of the most successful actors in Hollywood history — because of the actor's off-screen behavior, according to a report published late Tuesday in the Wall Street Journal. "

Ok, was anyone surprised by this? Normally I tread lightly about dissing another person's religion, since I practice a misunderstood faith myself. However, I can't let this slip past. Has Tom Cruise gotten so hypnotised by Scientology that he has no concept about how the outside world works? When your religion has you so far outside the mainstream that you start to bite the hand that feeds you, i.e. the movie-going public that buy the tickets for your movies, you either need to wake up, or accept the consequences. In the real world, if any regular person acted as bizzarre as Tom Cruise has, their job would be on the line too. Except, if we get fired we don't lose millions.

As I said before, I am an elder in Witchcraft, so I have no right to criticise Scientology per se. I am , however, a firm believer in personal responsibility. Welcome to the real world, Tom.

HAHAHAHAH IM A RUNNER AGAIN!!!

After a week of building up, I can now state categorically I'm a runner again! Oh, how I have missed it, the nice endorphin rush. I am a almost ashamed of the smugness I now feel when I walk into Wal-Mart and see women bigger than I am, although I am by no means a small woman. Its just the satisfaction of knowing I'm TRYING, that I'm doing something about my weight and health. Daniel supports me 110%, and thinks I'm transforming in front of him. We want to have a baby, and I am worried about my fertility, so the weight loss will help.
Currently I have made it to: 5 minute warm up, then 1 minute of running-2 minutes of walking-repeat pattern 7 times, then 5 minute cool down. It reads like this on my sheet: 5mwarm-1m R &2 m Wx7, 5m cool. It has taken me 3 days to work up to this, the first day I was only able to do 5 repeats. After 4 days of that pattern, I go to 1m R-1mWx7, till eventually I am running 20 minutes straight. This will probably take me till late October to do. I am hoping to find a 5k to run in maybe by February. I'm overestimating everything cause I know how the fibromyalgia gets in the cold weather. So, wish me luck!

Art envy

My painting rut has lasted 8 months now. I have a basement to paint in, I have the supplies, just don't have the desire. And I see all these sites with all these painters doing good work, and I feel sick inside. I'm so afraid that I will truly find out I suck as a painter that I'm afraid to try. I love taking painting classes and make B's in them, but I feel like some big wannabe baby. Yes, I'm bitching. Yes, I'm a crybaby. Yes I should get off my lazy ass and do something. The fear is palpable. it goes to show you I am certifiable.

The few, the brave, and my message to them

I have this nifty counter linked to my blog called Tracksy. Tracksy has a cool extra that lets you see where some of the people who read you come from, and how many times they have visited your blog. Nothing else, though, to identify them. It lets me know that I have a fan in Dubai who has read my blog 5 times, and one in Atlanta who has read me some 27 times. I don't use tracksy to be nosy, it just fascinates me how small the internet has made the world. You know, you all don't have to be anonymous... Please leave comments, send me emails, anything!!! I think my writing lately has been boring and trite and I'm amazed anyone reads me anymore, LOL. I promise, once again to do better. And please, check out some of the bloggers I have links for, they are truly a humbling bunch.

help for Granny

Finn, the son of Liz, the author of Granny Gets a Vibrator, has created a paypal account on his site for his mom to help for medical bills. Here is the link: http://finwake.blogspot.com/2006/08/paypal-link.html. The name of the account is "The "New Shoes" for Liz Fund". As someone who, at the time of my husbands death, looked at a 3 MILLION DOLLAR medical bill, I know the challenge she faces. Every little bit helps.

Encouragement

The writer of one of my favorite blogs, Granny Gets A Vibrator, has just been diagnosed with cancer, either Lymphoma or Lung, they aren't sure yet. The first few posts have reminded me about my life with John, and his diagnoses. I posted a huge not on her comments page, and yet I am a stranger. She is tired and overwhelmed, has no insurance (as most people don't in this country), and is getting her first taste of the inhumanities of the medical profession. She needs the moral support of all readers and fellow bloggers, so either click the link on this entry, or in my links list, and check out this wonderful woman and support her in her struggle!!!

What I look like

Just in case anyone wanted to see what I look like:
This is Daniel and I after we cut the cake.
The second pic is my father and I walking down the isle.

Moving....Again....

We have come to find out that Daniel will have a new job (same company) in a new area in a few weeks. Currently, he drives an hour and a half one way to get to work. The new job will add a extra half hour each way. So, in the best interest of keeping my husband sane, and our finances in the black, we have decided to move to West Virginia. We had a heads up about this a few weeks ago, but on the hearing the final decision, I had a full blown anxiety attack so bad that Daniel had to leave work to come home to settle me down (this will not become a regular occurrence!).

It's not that I hate West Virginia-on the contrary. There is plenty I love about WV. I went to college for 2 years at Marshal University in Huntington. Most of my college friends were from Charleston or northern WV, which is gorgeous. Most of West Virginia is highly underrated. My fear was about where we were moving: south central WV, more precisely the Logan area. Logan is a city of about 8500, and any city bigger is about an hours drive away. Its not the state per se, its the rural versus semi urban that is part of this region.

I love city life. The ability to walk to movies, concerts, museums, and such delights me. I love living in the middle of things. I lived right in the middle of several urban areas (Lexington, Portland, Savannah), and smaller tourist towns with lots packed into a small space (Jackson Hole, and Key West). It was heavenly. There is nothing worse than the feeling of being stranded in an area where you cant walk to anything. The Pikeville of my childhood wasn't this way, it has grown to be.

I felt these same feelings when I moved from Lexington to Pikeville. I happen to like Pikeville now. We have a mutually satisfying relationship. I want to make life easier on Daniel, he does so much and asks for so little in return. My anxiety attack was me worrying that I would go insane in such a small town. However, I have since calmed down into a more practical frame of mind. We will be close enough to Charleston and Huntington to see civilization on weekends. Daniel hates the rural as much as I do, so we will be able to escape as much as necessary.

I just hate the moving process. My dad was a wanderer, so was my first husband. I have lived in or traveled through 40 states. At one point I changed schools 3 times in one year. With my first husband, we got used to having all our worldly possessions pared down to 8 suitcases. I love to travel, I loathe to move residences. In my old age, I have become very resistant to change of residences. This is bad. Change is the norm, normalcy the exception. With help, I should make it through this change, and deal with my Cancer psyche wanting to cling to the same shell.

Thoughts on being 35

Last week, on July 9, I turned 35. We had a small swinger meet and greet and karaoke. I played, and enjoyed it. I kept thinking that I should be feeling one of two things: 1)euphoria that I made it to 35; or, 2) miserable as hell that I'm getting older. I felt neither. In fact, I felt rather blase about the whole thing.

I think I'm holding together pretty good, considering. I'm walking up to 35 minutes a day. Went to the doctor today and found out I lost 10lbs in 5 weeks...not bad. I have a gorgeous husband who adores me as I adore him. I wish I was doing more creative endeavors, but otherwise, I have no complaints nor regrets.

I actually like my age. All my older women friends still have it going on well past their mid-fifties. There's actually a sense of relief in some strange way. It seemed like from 18-34, I was working very hard to please my male partners, my family, or society in general. Now I have this nifty feeling of only having to please myself. I've come to the realization that there are some things I wanted to do that I can't now (like be in the military), and I'm OK with it. I feel comfy in my own skin, finally.

I feel pretty

The past year, since I quit escorting, has been a trying time with my sexuality. I felt like I no longer owned my body. I became selfish with my self concerning sex. I really didn't want to play with anyone. No one seemed to appeal to me except for Daniel and a very short list of longtime play partners. I figured out since I let anonymous people have me for money, only the the most select people I WANTED I played with. This has been hard to explain to Daniel. We would go to parties and nothing. The guy just wouldn't turn me on. There might have been nothing wrong with him; they just didn't appeal to me. Daniel kept thinking I wanted to leave the lifestyle, and it was nothing of the sort. I love swinging, and the friends we have made. Also, I didn't (and still don't) care if Daniel plays with others. I just wasn't interested.
Top this with a sudden weight gain from November to May, and I felt ugly and fat on top of not interested. There has been a change recently. I started walking again, and I've started to lose weight. Not a lot for people to notice right away, but enough for me to know. My wedding band set fits better. My clothes are feeling better. My energy is up. Before this I felt like no one would think me attractive because of the blubber. And, as a self-fulfilling prophesy, some guys in couples didn't want to play with me because of my size. Since that fell in a time of "I don't want to play anyway" , the rejection didn't bother me so much as Daniel not being able to play (Note: in Swinging, some couples will only play with another couple in the same room, called true swap.). Now, the past few parties I feel rejuvenated. So much so that the last house party I felt freer than I have in awhile. Yes I know I'm still fat, but I am doing something about it. Thus, I feel sexier. The true benefit of self responsibility.

Reawakening

Hello All,
Yes I have been damn lazy with the posting lately. I love summer and like to go outside, so not a lot of inside writing time. I have restarted the whole fitness process, like oiling a very rusty engine. It takes much time and effort to return to a place you were before. I have been walking three weeks now, almost every day. I hope to run/walk a 5k in September, and run/walk a 10k in November. My goal is to run a whole race with no walking. Of course, this plan takes time but I go forward, one day and one baby step at a time. I'm up to walking 25 minutes at a time and by the end of this walking program ( http://www.thewalkingsite.com/12week.html) I will be walking up to an hour every other day. I will then start the Couch-to-5K Running Plan http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml and see if I can be ready for the race in November. One day, if I don't destroy every joint in my body, Id love to run a half and full marathon. Being on my way to being fit again has made me feel better about myself.
Daniel is delighted that I am doing this. He is always worrying about my health, and this is helping. I have been having a spell of pain this week, from what I really don't know. Just general achyness in varying degrees. Right now at 2:03 pm, I just feel tired. Last night I was in so much pain I had to take a pain cocktail (2 arthritis strength Tylenol {1300 mg}, 2 Aleve, and a glass of anything caffeinated-AT THE SAME TIME). This concoction was told to me by a doctor, and only used maybe twice a month, since I happen to be really fond of my liver and kidneys. I think it is just my Fibromyalgia reminding me not to get cocky, its still there.

New look and what's been up for a month

I haven't heard any reviews about the new look of the site...proving my point that no one reads it! I have been fighting a extended period of existential lethargy (i.e laziness). I have partially set up a new painting studio in the garage. My sewing room has a dress pattern cut out and ready to put together. And I have done nothing, nada zip. I want my life to have some creative meaning, but I am paralyzed. It could be perfectionism-procrastination, or just being bored. I don't know.

My first month of marriage has been an idyllic one. WE are very much in love and in synch with each other. I made the right choice in following Daniel into the bathroom to say I wanted to play with him. I told an abbreviated version of that story to my niece before the wedding, and the logical mind of this 9 year old going on 20 was shock. How could I go into a bathroom after a BOY! My sage advice was that sometimes honey, you got to reach out and take what you want, and listen to your gut. I should be taking that advice personally about my creativity.

Questions with no good answers

There was a situation not too long ago that happened that I haven't had a chance to sort out in my writings, that I feel I need to address. We were at a swing party, Daniel and I, and were supposed to play with a couple we really liked, that we had been wanting to play with for awhile. Another couple (known here as couple X for privacy), decided to stay, and we couldn't really tell them that the playtime was private. The male part of Couple X I have know for a bit, and have never really been attracted to, decided to play with me. So I decided to take one for the team, because I didn't want to cause trouble by saying no. We started with oral, and I was feeling absolutely no pleasure, so I decided to fake it. The longer I played with him, the more icky I felt, and it didn't feel good. We were doing it doggie style and somehow, he almost penetrated me anally. By accident or on purpose, I don't know. Long time readers will know about my sexual assault-sodomy by my ex, and how I have been dealing with it. At that point I jumped up to the bathroom, and got sick. I just cried and shook. A few minutes later Daniel came in and I told him what happened. He got into the shower with me as I tried to scrub my skin off. I felt less dirty as an Escort.
I didn't come out of the bathroom until couple X left. Luckily, the other couple we were supposed to play with we are close to and I was able to tell them this wasn't their fault. So now the thought of playing with anyone I'm not absolutely 100% attracted too, gives me a kicked-in-the-stomach feeling. So here are a few of the problems this recent situation brings up.
First, I want to make it clear that I love the Swing lifestyle, and do NOT want to leave it. However, it feels like it will be impossible to play with anyone I do not want to play with 100%. And at this point, I could take playing or leave it. The problem is I don't want Daniel to feel guilty for playing himself, and I don't want to feel guilty for saying no. We have a play date set up in the near future, and the male partner of the couple is a nice guy, but too young for me and I'd rather just watch. I am afraid I will be nudged into playing and I'm not sure I'm ready to play with a new person yet. I'm also afraid that I will knock Daniel out of playing with a couple that only play with couples. The good side is that a party is coming up in a few weeks that I think I will be fine at, all the couples are cool and there are several couples there I would LOVE to play with. I hope this will work itself out.

Buddhist Wisdom

"Ananda said: 'Friendship with what is lovely, association with what is lovely, intimacy with what is lovely--that is half of the holy life.'

The Buddha responded: 'Don't say that, Ananda. It's the whole not the half of the holy life. One so blessed with what is lovely will develop a right way of being, a thinking that no longer grasps at what is untrue, an aim that is concerned and ready, a contemplation that is unattached and free. Association with what is lovely is the whole of the holy life.' "

-Samyutta Nikaya
From 'The Pocket Buddha Reader,' edited by Anne Bancroft, 2000.

POETRY ALERT

"I am standing upon a seashore. A ship at my side
spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and
starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty
and strength, and I stand and watch unitl at last she
hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea
and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then
someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'
Gone where? Gone from my sight...that is all. She is
just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was
when she left my side and just as able to bear her
load of living freight to the place of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at
the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she
goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and
their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here
she comes!' "
- Henry Van Dyke, A Parable of Immortality

The Announcement

We've decided on forever
and forever begins when we
Tabitha Ramos
and
Daniel Napier
get married on
May 13, 2006
at 5:00 PM
The ceremony and reception will be held at
Russel Acton Folk Center
212 Jefferson Street,
Berea, KY 40403
Semi-Formal Attire, or Pirate/"Princess Bride" Costume
R.S.V.P. to
http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/TabithaRamos&DanielNapier