What I look like

Just in case anyone wanted to see what I look like:
This is Daniel and I after we cut the cake.
The second pic is my father and I walking down the isle.

Moving....Again....

We have come to find out that Daniel will have a new job (same company) in a new area in a few weeks. Currently, he drives an hour and a half one way to get to work. The new job will add a extra half hour each way. So, in the best interest of keeping my husband sane, and our finances in the black, we have decided to move to West Virginia. We had a heads up about this a few weeks ago, but on the hearing the final decision, I had a full blown anxiety attack so bad that Daniel had to leave work to come home to settle me down (this will not become a regular occurrence!).

It's not that I hate West Virginia-on the contrary. There is plenty I love about WV. I went to college for 2 years at Marshal University in Huntington. Most of my college friends were from Charleston or northern WV, which is gorgeous. Most of West Virginia is highly underrated. My fear was about where we were moving: south central WV, more precisely the Logan area. Logan is a city of about 8500, and any city bigger is about an hours drive away. Its not the state per se, its the rural versus semi urban that is part of this region.

I love city life. The ability to walk to movies, concerts, museums, and such delights me. I love living in the middle of things. I lived right in the middle of several urban areas (Lexington, Portland, Savannah), and smaller tourist towns with lots packed into a small space (Jackson Hole, and Key West). It was heavenly. There is nothing worse than the feeling of being stranded in an area where you cant walk to anything. The Pikeville of my childhood wasn't this way, it has grown to be.

I felt these same feelings when I moved from Lexington to Pikeville. I happen to like Pikeville now. We have a mutually satisfying relationship. I want to make life easier on Daniel, he does so much and asks for so little in return. My anxiety attack was me worrying that I would go insane in such a small town. However, I have since calmed down into a more practical frame of mind. We will be close enough to Charleston and Huntington to see civilization on weekends. Daniel hates the rural as much as I do, so we will be able to escape as much as necessary.

I just hate the moving process. My dad was a wanderer, so was my first husband. I have lived in or traveled through 40 states. At one point I changed schools 3 times in one year. With my first husband, we got used to having all our worldly possessions pared down to 8 suitcases. I love to travel, I loathe to move residences. In my old age, I have become very resistant to change of residences. This is bad. Change is the norm, normalcy the exception. With help, I should make it through this change, and deal with my Cancer psyche wanting to cling to the same shell.

Thoughts on being 35

Last week, on July 9, I turned 35. We had a small swinger meet and greet and karaoke. I played, and enjoyed it. I kept thinking that I should be feeling one of two things: 1)euphoria that I made it to 35; or, 2) miserable as hell that I'm getting older. I felt neither. In fact, I felt rather blase about the whole thing.

I think I'm holding together pretty good, considering. I'm walking up to 35 minutes a day. Went to the doctor today and found out I lost 10lbs in 5 weeks...not bad. I have a gorgeous husband who adores me as I adore him. I wish I was doing more creative endeavors, but otherwise, I have no complaints nor regrets.

I actually like my age. All my older women friends still have it going on well past their mid-fifties. There's actually a sense of relief in some strange way. It seemed like from 18-34, I was working very hard to please my male partners, my family, or society in general. Now I have this nifty feeling of only having to please myself. I've come to the realization that there are some things I wanted to do that I can't now (like be in the military), and I'm OK with it. I feel comfy in my own skin, finally.

I feel pretty

The past year, since I quit escorting, has been a trying time with my sexuality. I felt like I no longer owned my body. I became selfish with my self concerning sex. I really didn't want to play with anyone. No one seemed to appeal to me except for Daniel and a very short list of longtime play partners. I figured out since I let anonymous people have me for money, only the the most select people I WANTED I played with. This has been hard to explain to Daniel. We would go to parties and nothing. The guy just wouldn't turn me on. There might have been nothing wrong with him; they just didn't appeal to me. Daniel kept thinking I wanted to leave the lifestyle, and it was nothing of the sort. I love swinging, and the friends we have made. Also, I didn't (and still don't) care if Daniel plays with others. I just wasn't interested.
Top this with a sudden weight gain from November to May, and I felt ugly and fat on top of not interested. There has been a change recently. I started walking again, and I've started to lose weight. Not a lot for people to notice right away, but enough for me to know. My wedding band set fits better. My clothes are feeling better. My energy is up. Before this I felt like no one would think me attractive because of the blubber. And, as a self-fulfilling prophesy, some guys in couples didn't want to play with me because of my size. Since that fell in a time of "I don't want to play anyway" , the rejection didn't bother me so much as Daniel not being able to play (Note: in Swinging, some couples will only play with another couple in the same room, called true swap.). Now, the past few parties I feel rejuvenated. So much so that the last house party I felt freer than I have in awhile. Yes I know I'm still fat, but I am doing something about it. Thus, I feel sexier. The true benefit of self responsibility.

Reawakening

Hello All,
Yes I have been damn lazy with the posting lately. I love summer and like to go outside, so not a lot of inside writing time. I have restarted the whole fitness process, like oiling a very rusty engine. It takes much time and effort to return to a place you were before. I have been walking three weeks now, almost every day. I hope to run/walk a 5k in September, and run/walk a 10k in November. My goal is to run a whole race with no walking. Of course, this plan takes time but I go forward, one day and one baby step at a time. I'm up to walking 25 minutes at a time and by the end of this walking program ( http://www.thewalkingsite.com/12week.html) I will be walking up to an hour every other day. I will then start the Couch-to-5K Running Plan http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml and see if I can be ready for the race in November. One day, if I don't destroy every joint in my body, Id love to run a half and full marathon. Being on my way to being fit again has made me feel better about myself.
Daniel is delighted that I am doing this. He is always worrying about my health, and this is helping. I have been having a spell of pain this week, from what I really don't know. Just general achyness in varying degrees. Right now at 2:03 pm, I just feel tired. Last night I was in so much pain I had to take a pain cocktail (2 arthritis strength Tylenol {1300 mg}, 2 Aleve, and a glass of anything caffeinated-AT THE SAME TIME). This concoction was told to me by a doctor, and only used maybe twice a month, since I happen to be really fond of my liver and kidneys. I think it is just my Fibromyalgia reminding me not to get cocky, its still there.

New look and what's been up for a month

I haven't heard any reviews about the new look of the site...proving my point that no one reads it! I have been fighting a extended period of existential lethargy (i.e laziness). I have partially set up a new painting studio in the garage. My sewing room has a dress pattern cut out and ready to put together. And I have done nothing, nada zip. I want my life to have some creative meaning, but I am paralyzed. It could be perfectionism-procrastination, or just being bored. I don't know.

My first month of marriage has been an idyllic one. WE are very much in love and in synch with each other. I made the right choice in following Daniel into the bathroom to say I wanted to play with him. I told an abbreviated version of that story to my niece before the wedding, and the logical mind of this 9 year old going on 20 was shock. How could I go into a bathroom after a BOY! My sage advice was that sometimes honey, you got to reach out and take what you want, and listen to your gut. I should be taking that advice personally about my creativity.

Questions with no good answers

There was a situation not too long ago that happened that I haven't had a chance to sort out in my writings, that I feel I need to address. We were at a swing party, Daniel and I, and were supposed to play with a couple we really liked, that we had been wanting to play with for awhile. Another couple (known here as couple X for privacy), decided to stay, and we couldn't really tell them that the playtime was private. The male part of Couple X I have know for a bit, and have never really been attracted to, decided to play with me. So I decided to take one for the team, because I didn't want to cause trouble by saying no. We started with oral, and I was feeling absolutely no pleasure, so I decided to fake it. The longer I played with him, the more icky I felt, and it didn't feel good. We were doing it doggie style and somehow, he almost penetrated me anally. By accident or on purpose, I don't know. Long time readers will know about my sexual assault-sodomy by my ex, and how I have been dealing with it. At that point I jumped up to the bathroom, and got sick. I just cried and shook. A few minutes later Daniel came in and I told him what happened. He got into the shower with me as I tried to scrub my skin off. I felt less dirty as an Escort.
I didn't come out of the bathroom until couple X left. Luckily, the other couple we were supposed to play with we are close to and I was able to tell them this wasn't their fault. So now the thought of playing with anyone I'm not absolutely 100% attracted too, gives me a kicked-in-the-stomach feeling. So here are a few of the problems this recent situation brings up.
First, I want to make it clear that I love the Swing lifestyle, and do NOT want to leave it. However, it feels like it will be impossible to play with anyone I do not want to play with 100%. And at this point, I could take playing or leave it. The problem is I don't want Daniel to feel guilty for playing himself, and I don't want to feel guilty for saying no. We have a play date set up in the near future, and the male partner of the couple is a nice guy, but too young for me and I'd rather just watch. I am afraid I will be nudged into playing and I'm not sure I'm ready to play with a new person yet. I'm also afraid that I will knock Daniel out of playing with a couple that only play with couples. The good side is that a party is coming up in a few weeks that I think I will be fine at, all the couples are cool and there are several couples there I would LOVE to play with. I hope this will work itself out.

Buddhist Wisdom

"Ananda said: 'Friendship with what is lovely, association with what is lovely, intimacy with what is lovely--that is half of the holy life.'

The Buddha responded: 'Don't say that, Ananda. It's the whole not the half of the holy life. One so blessed with what is lovely will develop a right way of being, a thinking that no longer grasps at what is untrue, an aim that is concerned and ready, a contemplation that is unattached and free. Association with what is lovely is the whole of the holy life.' "

-Samyutta Nikaya
From 'The Pocket Buddha Reader,' edited by Anne Bancroft, 2000.

POETRY ALERT

"I am standing upon a seashore. A ship at my side
spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and
starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty
and strength, and I stand and watch unitl at last she
hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea
and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then
someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'
Gone where? Gone from my sight...that is all. She is
just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was
when she left my side and just as able to bear her
load of living freight to the place of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at
the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she
goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and
their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here
she comes!' "
- Henry Van Dyke, A Parable of Immortality

The Announcement

We've decided on forever
and forever begins when we
Tabitha Ramos
and
Daniel Napier
get married on
May 13, 2006
at 5:00 PM
The ceremony and reception will be held at
Russel Acton Folk Center
212 Jefferson Street,
Berea, KY 40403
Semi-Formal Attire, or Pirate/"Princess Bride" Costume
R.S.V.P. to
http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/TabithaRamos&DanielNapier

Writing my new name

I found myself practicing my new name. It is only the second time in my life, after learning to write, that my signature has changed. The muscles in my hand is grumpy, they have been lazy. My signature was down to a science. Now, my hand and mind has to think about what its doing. Witches believe that life goes in circles. I can trace my circle: widow, slut, swinger, whore, friend, lover, girlfriend, fiancee, and now finally again, wife. Maybe I'll start a new circle, mother.

10 Days to go

Well the major things have been done. The clothes and tack have been ordered and in the process of delivery. Most of my bridal party has it together. There is so much minutia to a wedding. However I am blissfully happy and looking forward to the day.

Shakespeare's Sonnett 116

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Mabillard, Amanda. An Analysis of Shakespeare's Sonnet 116. Shakespeare Online. 2000. (04/25/2006 ) <>.

[ANALYSIS
[Lines 1-2]* T.G. Tucker explains that the first two lines are "[a] manifest allusion to the words of the Marriage Service: 'If any of you know cause or just impediment why these two persons should not be joined together in holy matrimony'; cf. Much Ado 4.1.12. 'If either of you know any inward impediment why you should not be conjoined.' Where minds are true - in possessing love in the real sense dwelt upon in the following lines - there can be no 'impediments' through change of circumstances, outward appearance, or temporary lapses in conduct". (T.G. Tucker, ed. Sonnets of Shakespeare. Cambridge: University Press, 1924, [192])[Line 5]* 'mark' = a beacon to warn mariners of dangerous rocks.
Sonnet 116 is about love in its most ideal form. It is praising the glories of lovers who have come to each other freely, and enter into a relationship based on trust and understanding. The first four lines reveal the poet's pleasure in love that is constant and strong, and will not "alter when it alteration finds". The following lines proclaim that true love is indeed an "ever-fix'd mark" which will survive any crisis. In lines 7-8, the poet claims that we may be able to measure love to some degree, but this does not mean we fully understand it. Love's actual worth cannot be known -- it remains a mystery. The remaining lines of the third quatrain (9-12), reaffirm the perfect nature of love that is unshakeable throughout time and remains so "ev'n to the edge of doom", or death. In the final couplet, the poet declares that, if he is mistaken about the constant, unmovable nature of perfect love, then he must take back all his writings on love, truth, and faith. Moreover, he adds that, if he has in fact judged love inappropriately, no man has ever really loved, in the ideal sense that the poet professes. The details of Sonnet 116 are best described by Tucker Brooke in his acclaimed edition of Shakespeare's poems:
[In Sonnet 116] the chief pause in sense is after the twelfth line. Seventy-five per cent of the words are monosyllables; only three contain more syllables than two; none belong in any degree to the vocabulary of 'poetic' diction. There is nothing recondite, exotic, or metaphysical in the thought. There are three run-on lines, one pair of double-endings. There is nothing to remark about the rhyming except the happy blending of open and closed vowels, and of liquids, nasals, and stops; nothing to say about the harmony except to point out how the fluttering accents in the quatrains give place in the couplet to the emphatic march of the almost unrelieved iambic feet. In short, the poet has employed one hundred and ten of the simplest words in the language and the two simplest rhyme-schemes to produce a poem which has about it no strangeness whatever except the strangeness of perfection. (Brooke, ed. The Sonnets. London: Oxford UP: 1936, 234)

18 Days to go

The wedding is shaping up nicely. The site is booked, the food is coming along. My dress is ready for final fittings, and Daniel's things are on the way. The minor snafus is making sure that all our attendants have their things and are ready. I have to ask one more person to take part in the ceremony: Dee. Her and Bob have been married 33 years so I think she is fully qualified to read Sonnet 116. I need to get the seating plan sent to the site so they can get everything set up for us. There is always something I'm forgetting. Oh yeah, got to order the wedding cake this weekend!

The DUH Factor, the first in an ongoing series

I am starting a new rant string called the DUH Factor, dedicated to news stories that insult our intelligence by being painfully obvious. Here is the first:

"Goth" youths more likely to self-harm: study - Yahoo! News

"LONDON (Reuters) - Young people who adopt the "Goth" lifestyle of dark clothes and introspective music are more likely to commit self-harm or attempt suicide than other youngsters, according to a study on Friday. "

"Michael van Beinum, a child-and-adolescent psychiatrist, said the Goth subculture might be attractive to young people with mental health problems, allowing them to find a community where their distress might be more easily understood. "

You have a subculture that digs gothic images, black clothing and makeup, vampire literature, and Marilyn Manson, made up mostly of young adults who are so alienated by our culture that they strike back by dressing like corpses, and scaring the crap out of high school administrations everywhere. It took a scientific study to tell the public that this group is more likely to commit or attempt suicide than their mainstream peers......

DUH !!!!!!

Ghosts and Dreams

Angel and Tish have been on my mind lately, a lot. Tish is my mothers younger sister, who died of lung cancer six years ago at the age of 39. Angel was her daughter, who died at the age of 12 three years ago. I have been having dreams about Tish. She had a set of wedding bands she loved that were worth quite a bit to her emotionally and financially. My dreams are that she tries to throw them away, to actually flush them down a toilet. I keep asking her what the hell she is doing, has she lost her mind? However, she never says anything back. She just continues to try to pull them off and disperse with them in one flush. She never succeeds, but I end up walking away disgusted, and waking up confused. I've had these dreams on and off for the past two weeks. Then I went on my 3 times weekly walkabout in Pikeville, and saw the ghost...

The holler (hollow, to those unfamiliar with the local vernacular) road that goes past the apartment to Riverfill Road goes past Pikeville hospital, where coincidentally, Tish died. I was walking past the hospital when I glanced down the hill and spotted a woman pushing a stroller with a handicapped child in it. I was about 50 yards up the hill, looking from a distance through weakening glasses. But, the child that woman was pushing was Angel,I would have sworn on my life. The dark curly hair that was so wiry it would not be brushed down was the same, fought into pig tails. Ice blue eyes stared back at me, and smiled. I actually almost stumbled when I saw her, going so far as slamming my eyes shut to make sure I wasn't seeing things. The vision did not change. The woman put the child in a car, and drove away. I was bereft. The last time I saw Angel was in her casket, and then she shows up where I least expect it. I cried, but kept on walking to gain composure before the natives thought I had lost my mind.

I never had closure with either of them. Tish died while I was in Oregon, and Angel died when I was in Lexington, 150 miles away. I never got to say goodbye properly. Its no question I miss them both terribly. It has even gone so far as for me to seek out where Tish's wedding rings actually went. To my relief, Tish's whole jewelry box is in my sisters possession. Would wearing those rings bring me any closure? I doubt it, and I wouldn't ask Raymond (Tish's widower, Angel's father) for the permission. It would be too painful. And yet....I had that dream again last night. This time she was pulling on them so hard her finger bled. The only explanations I can come up with is that I just miss them, and the upcoming wedding is making me feel their loss even more.

Rapture! A fan letter

I am always just tickled to death when people write me and tell me they not only read my blog, but enjoy it enough to write me about it! Here is the letter in its entirety"

"Actually I was browsing and came across your profile, which then led to your Blog, and just thought you enjoy hearing/reading that for some reason I just couldn't get enough/stop myself. Therefore, best of luck with all your new & wonderful adventures, and definitely please continue to contribute online material for all your (new)fans :)"

S.M [name withheld to protect the innocent, LOL]

Thanks!

ITMFA

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Thanks Dad

I haven't spoken about my biological father much on this blog. He was, and still is, a complex, troubled man. He was the youngest child of a very wealthy couple in South Western Virginia, who he found out later was really his aunt and uncle who adopted him. He went to Vietnam, and came back twisted. He has been an abuser, and is a cross dresser. He disappeared when I was 11 years old, and I found him at age 28. I've seen him once in that time. I speak about him now because his birthday is coming up this week, and I doubt I'll call him. The reason I wanted to write about him is to thank him.

Starting at about 9 years old, he started making me call people for him for information. He would listen to my speaking voice and correct my grammar, enunciation, and timing. He told me he did it because I was so shy I couldn't look someone in the face, much less talk to them clearly. He would make me call and order pizza. I would be the one he made to call about movie times (at a time you talked to a human being for such information). After the call it was nag nag nag if I spoke too fast, or stuttered. Sometimes I would cry it was so bad. He was known for his persuasive use of language, i.e, he could sell swampland in Florida. He told me he didn't want to be ashamed of me. Now, all these years later, I am known for being fairly articulate. I was a telephone operator, and don't mind public speaking. If I had to pick one trait I'm proud of, its my speaking. Thanks Dad

LYRICS ALERT...Z'S FEELING FRISKY

Ah yes...Spring is in the air. I'm getting married in 6 weeks, the antidepressants are working again, and I finally found this song, that I haven't heard in at least 13 years....It brings back very sexy memories



"Sex (I'm A...) "
Berlin

"Feel the fire, feel my love inside you it's so right
There's the sound and the smell of love in my mind
I'm a toy, come and play with me, say the word now
Wrap your legs around mine and ride me tonight

I'm a man - I'm a goddess
I'm a man - Well I'm a virgin
I'm a man - I'm a blue movie
I'm a man - I'm a bitch
I'm a man - I'm a geisha
I'm a man - I'm a little girl
And we make love together

Slip and slide in your wet delight, feel the blood flow
Not too fast, don't be slow, my love's in your hands

I'm a man - I'm a boy
I'm a man - Well I'm your mother
I'm a man - I'm a one night stand
I'm a man - Am I bi
I'm a man - I'm a slave
I'm a man - I'm a little girl
And we make love together

Skin to skin, tongue to oooh! Come on honey hold tight
Come inside, it's a passion play just for you
Let's get lost in that magic place all alone now
Drink your fill from my fountain of love, wet your lips

I'm a man - I'm a teaser
I'm a man - Well I'm a virgin
I'm a man - I'm a one night stand
I'm a man - I'm a drug
I'm a man - Well I'm your slave
I'm a man - I'm a dream divine
And we make love together

I'm a man - I'm a goddess
I'm a man - I'm a hooker
I'm a man - I'm a blue movie
I'm a man - I'm a slut
I'm a man - I'm a geisha
I'm a man - I'm babe
I'm a man - I'm a dream divine
And we make love together
And we'll make love forever"