jack's words

i'm very tired.
i'm very happy.
i get confused and pathetic.
i'm a big fan of os mutantes.
i have a rubber ashtray now.
i've never owned a megaphone.
i belong to the ambivalent generation.
i want to belong to the beat generation.
i eat when necessary.
i love children and the thoughts they have.
i miss my love.
i'm a possessor of airplane tickets.
i'm a loser of check books.
i own a 1960 thunderbird sometimes.
i haven't upholstered furniture in a couple of years now.
i want some action.
i want a good friend like you do.
i want more.
-jack- 10/22/02

polyamoury SEX and LOVE

I just picked up a book at our local new age bookstore/head shop called The Ethical Slut. Now I am all for sex that has more freedom than just being chained to another. I loved my husband: I was faithful the whole time and adored him. Really I didn't want another...I was also very young. Now that 33 has hit me I feel the overwhelming urge to just have a slew of fuckbuddies without the drama I have with Dan. If the right one came along I would be faithful, I know myself too well not to believe that. It is just that right now I yearn to have more. I tried the BDSM thing ( I am submissive), and the freedom of the relationship is what thrilled me. Once a week I met with an intelligent, cultured man and explored my darkside for a while (thanks Doug wherever you are!!). Then the rest of the week I had my life and he had his, it was wonderful. No drama, no stress, no bullshit.
There are two things that make me just ache to try this lifestyle. For one, just having outside contacts with others would be wonderful. I am very much a loner and enjoy my privacy..This is why my house is a mess. It is an excuse not to have others into my private Batcave. However, I have gotten so good at seclusion that I yearn to have contact. A lot of this has to do with Dan and his jealousy, which frankly I have had enough of. I want to have a circle of friends with who I can share myself with, intellectually, socially, and sexually. I miss intimacy.
Secondly, I really want the sex. I want to try everything that has to do with interaction with another (or several) that has the pure magic of sharing each others bodies . I am loving, affectionate, passionate and curious and want an outlet for this energy. Sex magick only takes you so far by yourself. There is nothing more magical than giving another soul pleasure and accepting the gift of pleasure back from them. Even one night stands have a certain amount of meaning if you want to share pleasure for pleasures sake, not looking for Mr. Right, just enjoying the moment of touching JUST TO TOUCH with no deeper trauma.
Am I becoming narssisistic in my old age? Am I giving in to my early-30ies hormonal surge? Am I just bored? Probably all of the above in greater and lesser degrees. I astrally projected the other night to talk to jack about it. His opinion is that love shared with others for the sake of just loving is a precious thing, and for me not to feel scared or ashamed. This is why he's my spiritual guide..He encourages me to go for things I never would before.

avatars and messengers --http://www.clumsylovers.com

I am constantly amazed at the way the Goddess has ways to tell you that life is good, and...everythings ok. The week was long, work was long, life drug me down like a feedsack I was pulling behind me. My metaphor for life right now is running. If the day sucks, the run usually takes the stress away and gives me a nice runners buzz for the rest of the evening. Lets not kid ourselves, I won't be in the Olympics. The pounding of my feet, my heart racing and concentraiting on oxygen normally kicks the ass of anything bothering. Thus if the run sucks, the day is fucked and unredeemable. Today I had a nice epiphanious run that gave me hope.
Ran around the first corner, and got a yelp of encouragement from the local college guys that live on that street. Normally, the comments screamed at me are usually not repeatable in daylight, but not today. A few hundred yards later I was getting ready to go by a hippy kid that I see around, but have never spoken to. 4 feet away he asked if I wanted a lavender flower (there is a local nursery that grows them along that street). I was touched, I haven't gotten a flower of any kind from any man in forever. I'm in midstride so I can't stop, so I tuck it into my bandana around my head and trot on after smiling and thanking him on the way past. The smell of lavender in my hair, the ease of my steps today, combined with the dopamine kick sent me into a trance as I cruised around the second corner. I finally went around the third corner to the hill that normally kicks my ass. Half way up someone yells out a car window, "don't quit you can do it". Three big messenges in one run: I had to ponder the meaning during my cooldown/stagger on the way home. I've been praying all week for a sign that life is serenely moving the way I want it and this run was what I needed. A nice, Zen-witch moment from Hecate stating that the life transformation was on course and with little turbulence, for now. I sit here sweaty, stinky, and calm with a runners buzz. Everything's ok.

Signs and faith.

"Everything’s Okay (Chris Jonat)"
The Clumsy Lovers

You think – you think you think too much
But it’s not about when, it’s all about what
If you use your eyes and forsake your touch
You might hit for average but you’ll choke in the clutch

You wonder – you wonder wonderful things
So far beyond your reasoning
You throw back your head you start to sing
But you catch yourself, you get your bearings – why did you need your bearings?

You believe – believe belief’s beyond you
Belief belongs to the blessed few
You divine water and hope and the blues
But it don’t mean much when it don’t ring true

You worry – you worry words won’t work
When winged wonders wonder what you’re worth
You have strong suspicions and you’d like to be sure
If words make you sick there must be a cure – why don’t you take the cure?

Hey, everything’s okay
Put those other thoughts away
Let me hear you say, at least for today
Everything’s okay
(Live so you live the life you’re leading
If you lose the groove don’t move the groove’s repeating
If you come undone it’s from the words you’re heeding)

You’ve seen – you’ve seen scenes so serene
Like red makes you rage but you sleep to green
And you try to determine what it could mean
That it’s full and rich but pure and lean

And you sigh – size up your surroundings
See the colors and all that they bring
You try to choose from all the offerings
You get right rooted, thinking of your bearings – but then you start to sing

If you want to improve
Get your mind into a groove
And let it play
All that you have to do
Is get your mind into that groove
And try to keep it that way

yearning

The moon is almost half full. I'm staring at it through my window, listening to george carlin and pondering yearning. It has plagued me all week, a yearning for something, anything to make me feel. I often get these flights of dissatisfaction. There was a time I moved cross country on a whim and a weeks notice, with little money and no plans. I had a like minded Gypsy partner then who was just as fly by the seat of the pants as I was. Now that he has taken The Great Trip (death), I have seemed to have lost my verve. Now I sit waiting to go to bed to start the road to hell afresh tomorrow (the Desk Job). This is why I yearn: I have had it more exciting and can't seem to find my way back. I yearn for the time to pursue my art. I crave travel. Especially I crave jack. Maybe because he is freedom, or represents it. I want to be the little bohemian girl again, and it will take a grand statement to do it. It will take an act of courage or bravery so profound, or so stupid, to cause a seismic rift. All I need to find is the door. The night is ripe for a talk with Hecate to send in some Chaos to stir things up.

My fantasy self 

A good day

It amazes me how a day can start completely in the toilet and then redeem itself before sundown. The existence of once again another woman in Dan's life had me questioning my own desirability. Also, I was pondering the use of all the changes in my life, if they were worth the trouble. Distinguished job (though it's not what I want to do really), 60 lbs lost, and some semblance of balance has entered my life, sans a trustworthy lover. Thus, I was not in a good mood this morning. The work day was seamless enough, though busy as usual
(I work for a university graduate school). Then the cardiologist's appointment was upon me. Though I am a runner, I have heart palpitations and was worried. I got a confirmation that yes, I do have a heart beat problem, but I wasn't going to die for another 50 years. So I walked out of the doctor's office and looked down the street, where a previous lover owns a business. I had not seen Mark in about a year, and then I was a bald (I shaved my head), grieving basket case. An urge to see him just propelled me down the street. The look of delighted astonishment on his face when I walked in was worth all the crap I have endured this week. Now I am much thinner, my hair is on my shoulders, and my confidence is back. On my way home I had this thought: my life is good, I like my solitude, and a lover meant for me will come across my path sooner rather than later. The run tonight was fabulous, and the runner's high on top of the feel good ending to the day reconfirmed that all the lessons learned, pain endured, and humiliation has been worth it. I feel capable of going through the transition of moving away from Dan and to a better place with someone I deserve.

"I'm only waiting for the proper time to tell you
That its impossible to get along with you
Its hard to look you in the face when we are talking
So it helps to have a mirror in the room
I've not been really looking forward to the performance
But there's my cue and there's a question on your face
Fortunately I have come across an answer
Which is go away
And do not leave a trace"

-Jack-

AAAARRGGHH

My skin is crawling, hands shaking. I feel like I want to run, but don't know where to. Alas I am in the beginning stages of an anxiety attack. The magic I did last night feels like it went loopy, like I didn't ground right. Dan and I are probably separating. It is a good thing too, we may be good friends but he cannot offer me the future I need. I've been doing sex magic to try to stem the loneliness, but can't seem to shake the blues. Today is Midsummer, a high holiday, so doing magic tonight will be powerful. Maybe tonight I can shake some of this unease. Dreamed of Jack again last night, for whatever reason. I need to feel close to someone, so my astral buddy will have to do for now.

happiness

Move over children,
Let’s get comfortable now.
We can talk to the animals.
We can breathe with our brothers.
We can hope for the best.
We can challenge the mind.
We can open up and rush forward blood vessels upon the ground.
We can deliver fresh food to someone who cannot get it themselves.
So why do I worry so violet? Why do I need more from you and more from life?
Why is it that I don’t become satisfied?
Cannot we break that rule? Cannot we break the tradition of mind?
Satisfaction is death. Satisfaction is death. Satisfaction is death.
It is the pursuit of happiness that brings us happiness, and not the happiness achieved.
I thought about this yesterday too.
So violet, will you then ever be satisfied with me?
You need to constantly pursue me.
You need to chase after something in me,
Always.
You can never be satisfied with me,
I hope you cannot.
I hope you cannot.
Let’s pursue this further.

Jack 09/18/03

Concerts and memories....www.tonycandthetruth.com

Went to see Tony C and the Truth in concert again tonight, there second time in town. The blues was swirling round my mind and I felt him, for the first time in many months. A memory flashed...Savannah, GA on the waterfront. Walking past a saxophone player, John handed the man a 10 and asked him to play his wife some blues. He was like that, he remembered and did little things to never let me forget I was his kindred spirit. The songs, the guitars, the crowds must have stirred him. This man went to the first Woodstock, and followed the Rolling Stones on a tour. As the music roared, my pentacle grew warm and I had the memory. He was there beside me once again, laughing at the antics of the other concert goers...His arms around my waist as he always did during concerts. The pentacle that I wear was a gift from him and was over his heart when it had its last beat. I suppose his essence will always be part of it.
Dan, my current lover, does not give me that kind of joy. He is smart and funny, but not empathetic to me. He never remembers little things about me like John did. Dan doesn't take my faith seriously, whereas John converted to witchcraft for love of me and then grew into a splendid witch. I often sit and wonder if I am meant to have another man that connected to me, as John was. There has been times I have caught myself wistfully thinking of my astral lover Jack, his funny weird ways and formidable talent. The problem with astral lovers is that it is very likely you will never meet them in person. Some call astral lovers daydreams, projections of what you want ideally in yourself and others that usually are too perfect to be real. This I don't buy into. I believe that astral lovers come to you to give you comfort, to be there in times of crisis and joy. It is an intimacy that cannot be matched. I have heard of astral lovers meeting and actually marrying in like two days (LOL) after they see each other in person. To them the courtship has been ongoing..Why waste time. That is what happened with John and I: we met and then married after three months. I really don't think we were astral lovers, just two people who recognized connected souls when we saw them. I am thankful of this. I just sit and bide my time now, dallying with Dan and visiting Jack in my head when I have time. And feeling John's spirit in places and situations where we were once happy.