Communication breakdown Saturday night part 2

We had a swing party in Prestonsburg, Ky this weekend for our club. Daniel was hosting his first party, and I was bartending/representing the owner of the club. I was tired and miserably sick from both the withdrawal from Wellbutrin and the fibromyalgia. However, I am proud to the point of stupidity, so I tried to show as little of this as possible. Most of the day I had been getting rumblings that this would be the night Daniel would propose to me. We had the ring already, and most of our friends were there to begin with. Made sense to me. Daniel, sometime that afternoon, told me that a lady he had played with at Rocker's was coming up to the party, intending ONLY to play with him. Remember the previous post about gut feelings about women who have the capability to go nutso? The sirens were screaming loud for this one. Did I tell Daniel my fears? No, because I had no proof; she had always been nice but kind of cool to me, and she is married. So I generally assumed( never do this PLEASE), that since he was going to play he wasn't going to propose to me. Now I don't know why I felt so strongly about wanting him not to play the night he proposed. I was wacky from the withdrawal, and had a crazy-stupid romantic notion that the one night he proposed he wouldn't want anyone but me. So I was already disappointed and hurt before the party even started. Did I show it-no. Did I tell him my expectations-no. Like I said, I'm proud to the point of stupid.
The party started pretty well. I was stressed from trying to get the bar organized, but not overly so. Most everybody knew of my med situation, and were trying to keep me relaxed. The aforementioned lady showed up when Daniel had left for awhile, and though she was nice to me and I was nice to her, the alarm bells were screeching. Daniel got back and was playing host and talking, of course paying attention to her. I ignored the screeching and tended bar, but the projectile hissy fit was building. Daniel was showing my engagement ring to everyone, and it hit me hard that he just might propose to me, and he still wanted to play, with her. Ouch, big time. I was on the edge of maintaining my fragile emotional state. LOL it didn't last.

Communication breakdown Saturday night part 1

To set this story up, I need to tell two other stories first.
1)When John and I were working in Wyoming, he worked with a female Sous chef. She was friendly but I got a gut feeling she was wanting more than she could have from John. She would accidentally show up at certain places we were ( we later found from friends she was asking others about our location at certain times). She would do silly things at work so that he would have to stay late to work with her. She would show up at our apartment at weird times uninvited, or she would bug John to come over to her place to "hang out" (not including me in the invite). I told John about this gut feeling that she was trouble, but he just couldn't see it. He thought she was just being friendly. It got to the point that, after we both confronted her, she got mean and would leave letters, make phone calls and hang up, etc. Life was generally tense with her till the season ended and we left for Key West (parts unknown to her). He would get an occasional email from her, half flirtatious, half reproachful, until he died. So I have great trust in my intuition when it comes to other women and they wanting more than is offered from the men in my life. It already had happened once concerning a girl Daniel was playing with, who turned out to be psycho. My gut is usually never wrong about such things, even if it takes awhile for the proof to manifest.

2) I have never had a proper proposal of marriage. John proposed to me in the back seat of a car on the way back from a road trip in July, 1995, by saying "Hey, can we go get married soon?" And what I mean by "proper" is on one knee, romantic and wonderful. It was after the third time asking in the space of 6 weeks I finally relented, in late August. We were married in Sept., 1995 (another post for another time).

3) As I have stated in a previous post, I'm changing meds, and am wont to be extremely emotional and quite unable to control these emotions. I cry like a running faucet at the least provocation, despite my best efforts to try to maintain composure.

Now consider all these aspects when reading part 2 of this post.

This is getting old..The medwars and how they fuck up everything

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
-- Unknown --

This quote made me laugh, it was so true. Since I haven't posted for so long, most are out of the loop about my antidepressant situation. Simply, and as they are wont to do, my Wellbutrin quit working. This happens periodically, as my long time readers will know, happened about this time last year. Last year, there was no alternative meds available, so I had to go off the meds then restart them after a month. That was not a pleasant experience. This year, a new med called Cymbalta has been released that helps with depression AND fibromyalgia pain. WOO HOO! However, the same shitty experience has to be dealt with: tapering off the Wellbutrin. Even though it had quit working, it still hurts like hell to slowly wean ones self away. Now I can't even begin to dare to presume how horrible it is to withdrawal from other drugs, but antidepressants are pretty bad enough.

For one, your judgment is skewered. I am a walking, open seeping wound. The least remark, the most minor things annoy the hell out of me at best, tear my heart out at the worst. My poor baby Daniel is having to deal with this. All the things that meant nothing to me a month ago are now ripping at me. The biggest thing: sex. This is how I first could tell I was maxing out the Wellbutrin, I had lost interest in having sex with others who I wasn't well acquainted with first. This has effectively shut down the escort business, and that really doesn't break my heart any. It makes swing parties miserable as well, for two reasons: I don't feel like playing and that makes me feel guilty for letting Daniel down, and makes Daniel feel guilty for playing even though I have told him to do so. I just don't want anyone who isn't very close to me to touch me. No one new interests me. There are couples that only swap with other couples, and I don't feel like wanting a strange man to touch me, so that effectively knocks Daniel out of playing. This isn't putting too much of a strain on us so far, but it hurts me deeply to disappoint him.

Phobias that tend never be in my nature surface when I'm either maxing out of meds or tapering.
The updated list: http://www.phobialist.com/reverse.html
Anything new- Neophobia
being severely criticized- Rhabdophobia
Crowds -Enochlophobia, Demophobia or Ochlophobia
Noises, loud- Ligyrophobia
Places, crowded public- Agoraphobia
Strangers - Xenophobia
This normally will right itself when the new meds....but my patience wears thin. I just have to maintain until I have righted myself again and hope I don't drive Daniel away in the process.

3 years...Letter to a dead man.

Dearest John,
At 12:23PM today, it will have been three years since you have been gone. I am not the same woman you married, and I don't even know if you would like the woman I am now, much less love her. I have learned in your absence how low I can go, and how very base I can be. I have learned how to lie, cheat and steal very very well. I have sunk into the very pit of ugliness the human soul can dive to. And yet....

I have learned that pride is a very useless, trite thing, and that if I want to be generous, I need to let others be too. I have learned how to make less go way more. I have discovered I am a good artist. I have made very deep, loyal friends who love and respect me, despite the numerous flaws. I have discovered I am beautiful despite all the things I tell myself to the contrary, just like you said. And like you told me, I have survived your passing. I have survived it, not with the grace I would have liked, but I have.

As you also have said, I have moved on with my life. You would like Daniel, he is a wonderful man. He's not as jealous as you were, but just as kind and generous. He's also younger than I, which probably makes you laugh. We plan to marry and have children and plan a life together. It was marriage with you that prepared me for this new life, never forget that.

So I get ready to spend the day with Daniel, know that even though the distance in time keeps growing, you are always as close as a thought.

Love
Zezrie

The countdown begins...Differently....

In 9 days time, it will be the third anniversary of John's death. Last year I wrote a long extended series about his death. It was cathartic. But this past year my life has been blessed with joy and healing. Thus, I will be writing anecdotes and stories celebrating his life, his humor and stubbornness. Here is the first....

I met John at a Society for Creative Anachronisms event in Cincinnati, OH, on Feb. 1995. He was my friend LJ's dad. LJ and I were heavily into the SCA, and he suggested that we meet his dad, who lived in Cincy with his ex wife (who I never met, but the child they had, Jocelyn, is a wonder). LJ looked a lot like his dad, but he didn't talk much. He told me later he didn't know what to say to me; he was tongue tied. The may of the same year, John moved to Lexington to be closer to LJ. That's when I realized the whole quiet guy thing was a ruse. He was verbose and volatile, and funny. For the first two weeks, he was really nice, always seeming to have some little gift for me whenever he saw me. I thought that was weird, but didn't ponder on it much.

After being in town, John and I and a few friends decided to go to Lynaugh's for dinner. John proceeded to get sloppy, shitfaced drunk. He was hysterical. We all went back to LJ's that night and it was summer so I was on the porch. John came out to join me, and launched into this monologue about how he -was-always-a-gentleman-he-never-got-fresh speech. Of course he was drunk and this was coming out of left field. After about 20 minutes when he paused for breath I asked him what his point was. He looked surprised, then shamefaced then asked, "Well, since I've been a gentleman up to now...Do you want to 'fool around'"!
A feather could have knocked me over. I had no clue he was interested in me that way. I just considered him a friend, nothing remotely more. I kind of stammered I'd have to think about it, and fled the porch headed for home, kinda stunned. I was a virgin pretending I wasn't one so my friends wouldn't think I was a freak. I was not quite 24. I had know idea what my answer was going to be.

More places to help Hurricane Katrina Victims

The Federal Emergency Management Agency lists these organizations for those seeking to assist victims of Hurricane Katrina:

Donate cash
American Red Cross (800) HELP NOW (435-7669) English; (800) 257-7575 Spanish

Operation Blessing (800) 436-6348

America's Second Harvest (800) 344-8070

To donate cash or volunteer
Adventist Community Services (800) 381-7171

Catholic Charities, USA (703) 549-1390

Christian Disaster Response (941) 956-5183 or (941) 551-9554

Christian Reformed World Relief Committee (800) 848-5818

Church World Service (800) 297-1516

Convoy of Hope (417) 823-8998

Lutheran Disaster Response (800) 638-3522

Mennonite Disaster Service (717) 859-2210

Nazarene Disaster Response (888) 256-5886

Presbyterian Disaster Assistance (800) 872-3283

Salvation Army (800) SAL-ARMY (725-2769)

Southern Baptist Convention -- Disaster Relief (800) 462-8657, ext. 6440

United Methodist Committee on Relief (800) 554-8583

Loss

I was watching the news footage about Hurricane Katrina this morning online. There was a man with a small child, howling with grief when the news crew walked up. They asked where he had been; on top of a roof with his wife and family he tells them. "But where is your wife?"they ask. He sobbs that they cant find her body, that he tried to hold onto her but she slipped. Right before she lost her grasp she tells him to take care for their children and grandchildren. The she sank out of sight.
There was so much devastation that it overwhelms you and numbs you. But that one news cast will haunt me for I don't know how long. This is what people need to see, the human cost.
How you can help:

The American Red Cross
http://www.redcross.org/

The Salvation Army
http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/

Love and separation and love some more

Daniel and I have tried to keep a steady, every weekend visiting policy. He's been with me the past two weekends, and its been heaven. It is getting so painful to see him go, and it's always traumatic each time. I used to think people who tried to keep long distance love going were dumb to waste their time, and masochistic. LOL let me enter the club, because now I understand.
We are talking about deep, important things now: marriage, children, future. Our life views are amusingly different on so many things. He has a Protestant work ethic, whereas I will work like a Protestant only if the work has meaning. I tend to let stress either bounce off like water or just pile up until I have a huge anxiety attack, but Daniel hits it head on like a challenge.

The biggest thing is that he worries that I will fall out of love with him. I was crying on the way home from breakfast Sunday because: 1) He was leaving sooner than I had anticipated, since our friend who he was taking home needed to leave, and 2) My antidepressants aren't working that well and I've been crying at toilet paper commercials. It was the first time I'd let myself cry in front of him, the biggest sign of love and trust there is. If I cry in front of you, then I trust you enough not to hurt me, because when I cry, I am an open wound. He asked me if this was a "breaking up" kind of cry, which made me cry harder because it was the farthest thing from my mind. I wanted to keep him by my side, as long as I could, and short of cutting his tires or removing his distributor cap, I was helpless to make him stay.

Daniel,
I can honestly say that I have had two great loves in my life: John, and now you. I told you last night that I don't fall out of love, I just reshuffle people on my love hierarchy. You fill my heart, and will be there as long as I am breathing. I was scared to have children with John, and I never told him that. I am not scared to have them with you. In fact, this is the very first time in my life I have wanted to have a child this badly, and ONLY with you. You have such a caring, loving soul. Your are as wise as you are passionate ( and for a Scorpio passion is paramount so.....). To say you complete me is pretty damn cliche, but you bring out the very best in me, how's that ( saying you had me at hello is also true but pretty bad too...I hated Jerry McGuire). I just know life is too short, and I want things sooner rather than later, so I need patience. But know that I love you, you are my all.

POETRY ALERT!!!!!!!

I've said before that every craftsman searches for what's not there to practice his craft.
A builder looks for the rotten hole where the roof caved in. A water-carrier picks the empty pot. A carpenter stops at the house with no door.

Workers rush toward some hint of emptiness, which they then start to fill. Their hope, though, is for emptiness, so don't think you must avoid it. It contains what you need! Dear soul, if you were not friends with the vast nothing inside, why would you always be casting you net into it, and waiting so patiently?

This invisible ocean has given you such abundance, but still you call it "death", that which provides you sustenance and work.

God has allowed some magical reversal to occur, so that you see the scorpion pit as an object of desire, and all the beautiful expanse around it, as dangerous and swarming with snakes.
This is how strange your fear of death and emptiness is, and how perverse the attachment to what you want.

Now that you've heard me on your misapprehensions, dear friend, listen to Attar's story on the same subject.

He strung the pearls of this about King Mahmud, how among the spoils of his Indian campaign there was a Hindu boy, whom he adopted as a son. He educated and provided royally for the boy and later made him vice-regent, seated on a gold throne beside himself.

One day he found the young man weeping.. "Why are you crying? You're the companion of an emperor! The entire nation is ranged out before you like stars that you can command!"

The young man replied, "I am remembering my mother and father, and how they scared me as a child with threats of you! 'Uh-oh, he's headed for King Mahmud's court! Nothing could be more hellish!' Where are they now when they should see me sitting here?"

This incident is about your fear of changing. You are the Hindu boy. Mahmud, which means Praise to the End, is the spirit's poverty or emptiness.

The mother and father are your attachment to beliefs and blood ties and desires and comforting habits. Don't listen to them! They seem to protect but they imprison.

They are your worst enemies. They make you afraid of living in emptiness.
Some day you'll weep tears of delight in that court, remembering your mistaken parents!
Know that your body nurtures the spirit, helps it grow, and gives it wrong advise.
The body becomes, eventually, like a vest of chain mail in peaceful years, too hot in summer and too cold in winter.

But the body's desires, in another way, are like an unpredictable associate, whom you must be patient with. And that companion is helpful, because patience expands your capacity to love and feel peace. The patience of a rose close to a thorn keeps it fragrant. It's patience that gives milk to the male camel still nursing in its third year, and patience is what the prophets show to us.

The beauty of careful sewing on a shirt is the patience it contains.
Friendship and loyalty have patience as the strength of their connection.
Feeling lonely and ignoble indicates that you haven't been patient.

Be with those who mix with God as honey blends with milk, and say,
"Anything that comes and goes, rises and sets, is not what I love." else you'll be like a caravan fire left to flare itself out alone beside the road.

Rumi VI (1369-1420) from 'Rumi : One-Handed Basket Weaving

Hawthorne

Once again, Kelly (www.kellyrae.blogspot.com) posts a snippet about Portland, OR and it sends me into a tailspin of memories. The Hawthorne District of Portland is a hippy liberal paradise. I absolutely adored every sublime inch. The biggest memory her blog brought back was about a Goddess Temple there. I can't remember the name, and when I looked I couldn't find it online. It has been 6 years, and is probably gone by now.
But it was there when I needed it, after my aunt Tish died of lung cancer in October, 1999. It was a huge Victorian house with a wild and perfect garden on all four sides. They never questioned my motives, just gave me a tour of the house and told me I was welcome to all they had. Each public room was dedicated to a particular deity or usage.

I wanted only to commune with Kali Ma (http://www.themystica.org/mythical-folk/articles/kali_ma.html). My own patroness was, and still is, Hecate. Kali Ma is somewhat like Her, except where Hecate is old and wise, Kali Ma is furious. As I was furious and helpless over Tish's death, a death that came at such a young age (she was a few months shy of 40). I was 28, and hers was the closest death to me I had ever known at the time. I wanted to feel blood and taste blood. The Kali Room was blood, saguine red, with soft red pillows all laying on red carpet. I spent quite a few hours in that room, crying and asking why. I gradually came to the conclusion that it was not my place to ask why, just to deal with what happens. It was a cleansing, and very useful lesson that would serve me well later in life.

I often wish that a place like that was here in Lexington. But, I don't think magick like that really could exist anywhere else. Portland, especially Hawthorne district, has a spell all its own. McMennamins has the best beer, and the shops added a presence. Lexington is too Southern, a different vibe. I so miss it sometimes....thanks again Kelly.

Heros come from all places

I have been following Cindy Sheehan's story for the past week now. It's only been today that I have been compelled to write. To begin here is something about her:
Cindy Sheehan was a normal housewife from a normal family, with 4 healthy children from California. She bothered no one and minded her business. Many would have called her the picture of normal American middle class values. Then her son Casey, a father of twins himself, was killed in the line of duty in Iraq. Devastated by her loss, she eventually met with our "president" (my quotation marks). To Cindy, his reaction to her seemed remote and unfeeling. A few weeks later, Dubya called her son's death "noble". That's what set this otherwise placid woman off.
She wants to meet Bush again and ask him some fairly simple questions: what made her son's death noble? If it was so noble, why isn't Bush's two hellion daughters in the armed forces, in Iraq? And finally, she wants to ask him to quit using her son as an example to boost morale about an immoral war.
This is not an unreasonable request. She is camped out a few miles from his ranch in Crawford Texas until she gets her answers. What got my nickers in a bunch about the whole thing was one woman's criticism about Cindy Sheehan. This woman, the mother of a serviceman, claimed Cindy was disrespecting the troops, that Cindy doesn't support them.....
This woman is trying to make sense of her son's death, and have the troops that are on duty returned home safe and sound. What is disrespectful about wanting our troops out of harm's way? What is disrespectful on wanting accountability for the death of her son that was caused by a war based on a LIE!!! Bush started this war on a lie, there were never WMS in Iraq. What do you call a president that uses thousands of American troops in a personal vendetta, not giving a flying fuck if they live or die? What do you call a man who personal agenda is the ends that justifies the means, at the cost of American lives? I have many names for such a man: Satan, Hitler, despot, lunatic, sociopath. My favorite is Scumfuck....
I consider this woman my hero....and here are ways we can help her. The following comes from the website http://www.meetwithcindy.org/

What you can do to help:
1. Come to Crawford
We need your support. There is power in numbers. Join us in Crawford now!
Crawford Peace House
Mapquest
Directions to get there
2. Help Others Get to Crawford
If you can't come to Crawford, please contribute to a fund to cover the costs of assisting others with their travel and their stay in Crawford.
DONATE to the Crawford Peace House.
3. Contact the Media
Ask the media to cover Cindy Sheehan's request to meet with the President, and to cover the contrast between pre-war claims for why war was needed and current knowledge of what the facts were known to be. Here's how.
4. Call the White House
Call the White House and ask the staff there to contact the President on his ranch and ask him to meet with Cindy Sheehan.
Comments: 202-456-1111Switchboard: 202-456-1414FAX: 202-456-2461E-Mail comments@whitehouse.gov
Contact Congress
Sen. George Allen (Republican, Va.) has publicly encouraged the President to meet with Cindy Sheehan. Has your Congress Member and each of your Senators done so?Ask them to!

Hmmmmmmmm

Ok, here is an update to the status quo that is my life. Have heart, I shall return to posting pithy, intelligent entries in the near future.

* The money situation still sucks, but I did get another job at the university with my own office and everything, just not a raise.

*Ebay business is finally running, albeit slow.

* Escort business is pitiful, I wonder how long it will take for things to pick up.

* Daniel and I are better than ever, and very much in love....and looking at rings.

Some creative things going on, but not nearly enough.

WTF

Ok my life is now been broken down into a series of "what do to now" lists. Here is the breakdown:
Financial;
* Attempt to make a living at a 8-4:30 job at a university, failing miserably at it.
*Atempt to augment living with being an escort, but it is a slow spell.
* Attempt to augment living working for Mr B, but its sporadic.

Social;
* Attempt to run a swing club with limited resources (see above) while owner VERY SLOWLY recuperates from illness.
* Attempt to paint every blue moon.
* Attempt to keep a incredibly fulfilling relationship going despite distance and time constraints (luckily this one is working better than the rest).

Emotional;

*Attempt to avoid nervous breakdown....
*Attempt to avoid nervous breakdown....
*Oh did I mention I'm trying not to lose it?


It explains the existential funk I'm trying to stave off right now, just the hint of depression in the air. I had an interview with another department today and it went well, but wont be much more money. I wont be attending SCAD, and have no prospects in the future of doing so, unless I learn the ancient art of shitting 100$ bills. I have another business opportunity I'm checking into, but its vague as of right now. Do I have any creative outlets going right now? Besides my clandestine affair with a 16 year old (Harry Potter) and this blog, I have nil. I cant paint, it just makes me cry. my sewing has hit nothing. I'm just got my feet stuck in the knee deep mud you call life and I cant pull myself out, and the one person who could help me yank myself out is too far away to reach, with no fault of his own. Sigh...

The spell is broken..and its a good thing

I know it has been a long while since I have posted. This summer has been hot and hectic and monumental.
My pentacle broke away Saturday night. Ok a down and dirty lesson in magical items: they have a power all their own. When the reason for them being there is gone, they too will move on. When the chain breaks, the pentacle no longer wants to be worn. My husband's pentacle ( a pentacle is a 5 pointed star within a circle, one point up, worn around the neck, normally made out of sterling silver), which was hanging on his bed rail, disappeared 2 days before he died. It was the ultimate sign of his oncoming death. Thus, when he did draw his last breaths, my pentacle was on his heart to feel it's last beat. That pentacle has been around my neck for 6 years, only being removed for the most dire of reasons. It held John's essence, and his protection. It was the last remaining thing from that previous life I still actively wore. On Saturday afternoon, the chain snapped and fell beside me on the bed.
I cried for an hour, out of so many emotions: grief, fear, and loss mixed with unfathomable joy and renewal. John's pentacle, the one he had custom made for me, had decided it's purpose was done. All the lessons that needed to be learned from his life and death have been completed. I can now remarry and have children with absolutely no remorse. This means I get a new pentacle to represent the new life before me, purchased by the man who will be the biggest part of my life in the next stage. I didn't have to explain any of this to Daniel, he was overjoyed when I told him and he knew exactly what he needed to do. This new pentacle will be more important to me than an engagement ring, because even though Daniel is a Christian now, he knows its meaning and importance behind the pentacle and respects it.
I will still miss the man that pentacle represented, and the life I had and could have had. But the new life and the future is what's important.

A pop quiz kinda LYRICS ALERT

Here's a bit of a challenge: Tell me the name of this song, you get a bronze star. Tell me the band, and you get a sliver star. You translate it into English, and you not only get a gold star, you get my neverending admiration.

Ecce Mundi Gaudium
Ecce Salus Gentium
Virgo Parit Filium
Sine Violentia

Ave Virgo Regia
Dei Plena Gracia

Natus est de Virgine
Sine viri semine
Qui mundat a crimine
Rex qui regit omnia

Ave Virgo Regia
Dei Plena Gracia

Angelus pastoribus
Natus est in gentibus
Qui dat pacem omnibus
Sua provedentia

Ave Virgo Regia
Dei Plena Gracia

Regestria premia
Offerentis varia
Stella ducit previa
Ad salutis gaudia

Ave Virgo Regia
Dei Plena Gracia

Cumnul scira potuit
De nato rex fremuit
E tota gens tremuit
Christi natalitia

Ave Virgo Regia
Dei Plena Gracia

Cum mori per gladios
Rachel videt proprios
Mesta plorat filios
Nulla sont solatia

Tag..I'm Memed

Ok Kelly (dilettantes diary www.kellyrae.blogspot.com) has challenged me to name the top 10 historical events I would like to have witnessed. Hmmm, this could be fun.
In no particular order

* liked to have witnessed the first time humans witnessed fire, just to see the look on their faces.
* liked to been witness to the Salem Witch trials, to see madness in action.

* liked to have met the Marquis de Sade when he was in prison, just to see his mind work, or not in this instance.

*liked to have been at The Algonquin hotel in the 1930's to sit at the Round Table and talk shit with Dorothy Parker

* liked to have been a studio assistant to Michelangelo during the painting of the Sistine Chapel

* liked to have been at the first performance of Ravel's Bolero in 1928 Paris

* liked to have at in Marc Chagall's studio for an afternoon watching him paint love on a canvas

* Liked to have been in the streets of New York on VJ Day in 1945, kissing sailors.

*liked to have been shivering in the crowds at Gettysburg listening to Mr. Lincoln's Address, 1863.

* Liked to have played in the mud with a certain 20 year old at Woodstock, who would later become my husband.

Birthday Song..LYRICS ALERT

Birthday
Lennon/McCartney

You say it’s your birthday.
It’s my birthday too – yeah.
They say it’s your birthday.
We’re gonna have a good time.
I’m glad it’s your birthday
Happy birthday to you.
Yes we’re going to party party
Yes we’re going to party party
Yes we’re going to party party.
I would like you to dance – Birthday
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance – Birthday
I would like you to dance – Birthday dance
You say it’s your birthday.
It’s my birthday too – yeah.
You say it’s your birthday.
We’re gonna have a good time.
I’m glad it’s your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

I'm 34 today....big fucking deal...

Today I am 34 years old, or I will be at 5:30pm today. I am depressed, as usual on my birthday. I have lived this long and have accomplished nothing. I can't go to school. Daniel is 3 hrs away and wont be here today to be with me, from no fault of his own. I'll be running my own goddamn birthday party. I probably will get laid, so it won't be a total loss.
I just wish I could shed the skin of this life, grab Daniel and run away to live our own life together. I could bartend in a tiki bar somewhere. Daniel could run the business. I could paint in the evenings, and we could start having babies......sigh.
No I guess I will remain here and be a whore and be separate from him, for a while longer.

Omens good or bad?

It has been 19 days since I posted...LOL it sounds like the beginning of a confessional. I do consider this blog as a confessional of sorts, to allow the world to judge me honestly. Here I am, think what you will. I am 33 years old, and not really comfortable with he fact I'm turning 34 soon. Something happened, however, to change my outlook on aging.

I had a vision last night as I was getting ready for the swing party Daniel and I was attending. I saw a woman with deeply etched lines in her face, starting at her eyes. Those eyes were full of hope, even when shrouded with age. My hair was graying but still long. I was not unattractive. I had made a comment the previous day to Daniel, after he met my mother, that I hoped to age as well as she has. The vision only lasted seconds, maybe less. But it was long enough to scare me, and in a strange way comfort me.

I am a great believer in the powers that cannot be seen ( Goddess is the name I call it.). A week before my husband went into the ICU to die. I was walking home from a night shift at the university telephone center. I knew I had to rush home, shower, rush back to the cancer center, and tend to John's needs before I could sleep. I never really slept much at that point. Anyway, as I approached the corner of Washington and S.Limestone, a huge branch crashed out of a tree maybe 10 feet in front of me. Pieces of the bark hit my leg but I wasn't hurt, just very awake and scared. I stayed long enough to call the campus police to block off the street to clean it up, then started the walk home. It was then I noticed I wasn't alone. A huge flock of crows, as black as ink, were following me home. They would fly a block in front of me, land, and wait for me to catch up, then would take off again to repeat this over and over till I was home. I was so stunned from the tree branch, the the cloud of crows, that I didn't put the pieces together until I was in the shower. Crows are a omen of death. The were right in front of me, but slightly out of reach, and would always allow me to catch up. The tree branch was a wakeup call, the crows were telling me what was coming. I realized right then that John was never going to be well again, even though at that very moment he was responding to treatment. It was the Goddesses way of telling me to pay attention cause time was short.

I am grateful for the vision last night. It tells me I will be an old woman who has not given in to cynicism, and still believes in hope. I can deal with aging knowing that.

Waxing poetic about love

I was reading my friend Kelly's blog (www.kellyrae.blogspot.com),
and came across her posting on love. Her basic premise was why bother. I liked the answer I posted in her comment box so much, I figured I would share it will all:

Kelly:
I never thought I would fall in love again until I walked into a cabin in the woods and saw the man for me across the room. It wasn't meant to be love, it was a swingers party, for the love of Pete! I was supposed to screw him and then leave. The funny thing about fate and love is that it always happens when you least expect it or want it. When you are ready and not looking for it it will happen. As for falling for the wrong person..love is never wasted. Even if you are miserable, the lessons you learn is worth the pain and the passion. Love is like lightening Kelly, you can't plan it or control it. Like everything else in life, control is an illusion, especially where love is concerned.

Sometimes I can be wise..who would have thunk it :p

A Year

My blog is now a year old. This is the longest time I've ever kept a journal, and I think its been very successful. A lot has happened. I've rolled with several punches. I have grown as a human being, a lover and an artist. I have pushed not only my personal boundaries but those of society as well. I have felt pain and caused it. I have been the victim of violence, and the gainer of blessings. I have been let down and let down others. I have fallen out of love with a jerk and back into love with a more worthy man. My all time dream is within my grasp. And yet I still feel unsure sometimes, anxious. I am restless, sometimes too much. I hope the next year of this blog lets me work out the kinks in my life, and share even more.

What a disappointment

Jack, Jack, Jack.....There is so many things wrong with what has happened this week I really don't know where to begin. You have been my muse for the past year. I have painted you into my art, written about you, dreamed about you. I considered you an exceptional human being: brilliant, talented, creative and quirky in a way only a witch can appreciate. Your writing and music touched a part of me that I can't even explain. And even though I didn't like Renee, at least she was exceptional to be almost worthy of you. This week you became common to me.

Wow a rock star married a model in a freaky rock star kind of wedding, after little more than a month of dating. You speak of the truth in the liner notes of the new album I received today. I received the truth about you. You are banal, and ordinary. You are so desperate to want us to think you are a normal person who only wants to write songs and be an Artiste. You cannot create art in a vacuum. Artists need people, you need the publicity as much as you detest it. You cannot have it both ways Jack. You tripped yourself up in the contradictions. You are now no different from any other grasping, crude rock star. You manipulate the media to your advantage like any other celebrity. True, you might be in love, but its with an illusion. The illusion who is blank and is whatever people paint on her. No substance, only fog and mirrors. Certainly nothing extraordinary, like you were to me. You have sold yourself out to the Rock Star Personae. At least I am honest about being a whore. At least I am honest when I say I will do anything to be able to put forth my art to the world. To let the world judge whether or not I am an Artist. I do not pretend to be some sort of Artiste above the commercial world, then use the media to push myself forward to become no better than the Brittany Spears' and Justin Timberlakes of the music world. I once thought you were a kindred spirit, now you are just a Rock Star who shares my birthday. The absolutely splendid, breathtaking music you have just put out is no longer a diamond to me, just ordinary glass. May the Merciful Goddess have mercy on your heart and soul when it falls apart for you, Jack. Because it certainly will. And may the Merciful Goddess have mercy upon me for worshipping you like you were worth it. You will still be in my art, but now as a mere shadow who once was credible, beautiful and astonishing..but no longer.

Open Letter to you know who

Like I told you on the phone tonight, I slept peacefully for the first time since the last time I was in your arms. Want to know why? Cause I had my future wrapped around me, fitting my body and soul to a T. It seems that every time we are are together the fit becomes better and better. And even if I talk your ear off about trivial things, you still laugh at my jokes. You know who I am, and are the only person I trust to see the dark side. I love you Daniel.
Love,
Z

LYRICS ALERT>>>

- Go It Alone - Beck 2005

"I'm comin over
See me down at the station
By the lane
With my hands in my pocket
Jingling a wish coin
That I stole from a fountain
That was drowning all the cares in the world
When I get older
Climbin up on the back porch fence
Just to see the dogs runnin
With a ring and a question
And my shiverin voice is singing
Thru a crack in the window

I better go it alone

Down on the corner
See me standin
On a makeshift road
With the dust storm blowin
In a long black shadow
Pull a hammer from a coal mine
Down where your daddy was workin
Comb my hair back
Strike a match on a bathroom wall
Where my number was written
Drivin on the sidewalk
Lookin back and the sky is burning
In my rearview mirror

I better go it alone"

Guilt

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end"
Semisonic-1998


I'm feeling a huge amount of guilt about Mr. Cool. This man is offering to sell some of his property to send me to college. He loves me and has for months. And I do love him, but not in the way I used to. I am desperately in love with Daniel. Yet I cant tell him that. Nor can I tell him that I love him differently now. I feel stuck. Daniel knows this dilemma, and tries to comfort me. This is the core of my funk right now. I feel like I'm using Mr. Cool for school money, but I genuinely love him. And yet, I cant have a future with him. I cant have a baby with him. And under no circumstances can I take care of another dying man. I was devastated when John died. I cannot psychically survive another life experience like that. I know that our lives are not guaranteed, but the likelihood of Mr. Cool dying sooner rather than later is better than average. I just don't know what to do.

The Truth

I love epiphanies, especially when they hit you like a brick. I came to several realizations about my life tonight and who I truly am. I am a whore. I am fat; I am ugly. I have no artistic talent whatsoever. I'm lazy. I'm stupid. I'm poor. I will never amount to anything. I'm useless. I made my husband suffer the last week of his life cause I am selfish. I care only for myself. I'm am sitting in shithole of an apartment in Lexington KY realizing I am a complete waste of oxygen. Why I am even here on this planet in the first place is a mystery.
The only absolutes I have left in this world is this: I have a man who is wonderful and loves me. I have a mother and sister who love me. I have friends who love me. I have a Goddess who loves me. And maybe, if I can never love myself, they will teach me how.

Memorial Day memories

I need to take a few minutes to thank a few veterans in my life for their sacrifice...

Gary:
You were a shy country boy from up a holler when you were sent to Vietnam. You ended up becoming Forrest Gump. As a scout you looked for booby traps and retrieved pieces of bodies of kids your age to send home. When you came home yourself, you were almost shattered. You preservered. And in middle age, you married my mother. You have been the only true father figure I have ever had. I thank you.

Bill:
You were a kid from a upper middle class family from Virginia. You joined the Air Force because you knew the Army would draft you the next week. You went to Vietnam to be cook, and had to fight when the Tet Offensive came knocking at your kitchen door. You came home also a troubled, restless man. You married my mother first, and engendered me. You drug us all over the country looking for a greener pasture. Then you abandoned us, actually me, to the emotional abuse of my mother's family. I found you again 22 years later. I rarely talk to you but you have righted your life and gave me mine. I thank you.

C.C.
You were 21 years old when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. Three years later you were in the Pacific going from island to island to fight them. You were one of the first soldiers to step into Hiroshima, dressed only in summer fatigues, unaware of what radiation was. You were wounded, and got the Purple Heart and the Bronze Star. You came back to Eastern Kentucky to marry a little teenage girl with Rheumatic fever who needed your medical benefits. You ended up having 11 children with that little girl, and are still married to her now, 58 years later. One of those children is my mother. I never got along with you, I still don't, but I do love and respect you. Thank you.

Johnny:
You were a career Air Force man who flew bombing missions in Viet Nam while your family waited for you in the Philippines. During the Tet Offensive, you risked your life to keep flying into the combat zone to evacuate soldiers using a airstrip half blown away. For that, you got the Silver Star. You retired a Lieutenant Colonial, and raised your family, with my aunt your wife, contented in a job well done. Thank you.

Colin:
You went into the Army at the age of 19 for college money. You learned how to fly Chinook helicopters, and to maintenance them, probably too well. You flew combat missions in Panama. You flew combat missions in Somalia. You flew combat missions in Desert Storm, where you had friends die in front of you. You went to Afghanistan, then Iraq keep the Chinooks flying. You have 5 combat patches and a year of service left to go before you retire. You think George W. Is a genius, you poor deluded thing. For keeping your boots on and back to the wall, I thank you.

Daniel,
You went into the Navy for a better life. You became a corpsman, then started working with the Marines. You traveled around the world. Somewhere on this journey you met The Dragon, then started dancing with him, almost to your ruin and the cost of your life. You left the Navy in a way that you wish you could change, so much so you even mentioned going back in to right the wrong. I love you for showing me what true courage is. Thank you baby.

And thank you to all the service men and women who put your life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness on the line second by second. You serve voluntarily to protect what this country truly stands for, even if the Commander in Chief who sends you into harms way is unworthy to send you there. I thank you.

Mi-Su .:. Sexual Aesthestics... or "Rich people need love too"

I truly thought I had seen it all, until my friend Scott sent me a link to a unique web site

http://www.mi-su.com/homepage.asp

This site is exclusively for sex toys for the idle rich made out of obscenely expensive materials. You can get a dildo made out of titanium and covered in gems and precious metals for $2000. Butt plugs made out of semi-precious stone go for $600. My personal fave was the rose quartz butt plug. All I can say is this: it must be nice having the disposable income for this stuff.

Jenna Jamison's words of wisdom

In her book "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star", Jenna Jamison has a section called her 10 commandments. Here is an excerpt:


"II. THOU (men) SHALT NOT speak any of the following lines:

a. 'I'll just put the head in'

b. ' So does this mean im not getting any'

c. 'We dont have to use a condom, ive never had a problem before'

d. 'what do you mean you don't want to cuddle'

e. 'my friends will never believe this'

f. ' I can put all those guys youve worked with to shame'

g. ' I ran out of money, wheres your purse'

h. ' these sex toys are basically new'

i. ' We have to be quiet my mothers sleeping'

j. ' Your tits feel almost as good as my sisters'

k. ' I swear the camera isn't on'

l . 'Well, my ex-girlfriend used to do it'

m. ' if its the police tell them i'm not home'

n. 'its not contagious anymore'

VI. THOU(men) SHALT NOT be able to take a bigger dildo than i can.

IX. THOU(men) SHALT NOT pretend like it slipped (she is referring to back-door guy who tries to put it in your butt every other stroke)"

A very subtle explosion

I was really all set for depression today, as I was in 2003 and 2004. Like the previous two years, I awoke well aware of what day it was, and about what had happened 9 years before. But I felt the shift instantly. This had become like any other day. Work was as boring and mundane as it always was. I only mentioned once what today once meant to me, after seeing an engaged coworker's newly delivered wedding bands. I thought I would come home and watch the video for the first time since John died. The funny thing was I had no urge to now. Before, I was desperate to watch it, but too scared to. Instead I came home and power walked, then talked to Daniel for a long time on the phone. In the moment I listened to his voicemail I knew what had happened. I had come full circle.
John and I had two weddings, a handfasting in Sept 1995, and a legal full wedding on May 25, 1996. I always considered the former one the true anniversary, the the second one was the nightmare, overdone wedding most women want. I never thought I would reach the day where I could remember this day fondly but without a twinge of sadness. But that is indeed what happened today. I realize now that I have finished the grieving process, and a new love has entered my life. I am now more interested in the life ahead with Daniel than the live behind with John. Daniel and I have know each other for only 2 months and I am realistic enough to know that it is too soon to think about handfasting. But the potential is there, and that makes a future.

Kiss running goodbye

Well it has come to the point that I must bid running a sad farewell. A few weeks ago my doctor told me the ultimate warning that my hips and knees would not stand much more punishment. So I decided today on a long power walk that running was over for me. I am sad about this, since I did like the challenge. I can still get my heart rate up just as high with walking, so that's going to be it for me. There were some accomplishments I had in running: I did 2 5k's. Maybe one day when I can get the weight off it will be better for me and I might try again...who knows.

Sexual astrology public service announcement

LOL This was just published on a friends site, and with his permission I post it here. Go ahead, see where you and your lover stands! PS...Im a cancer :P



Jan 21 - Feb 19
Ruling Planet: URANUS

The God of unexpected sexual twists and turns. Aquarians make much
better friends than lovers, but when a typical Aquarian gets some
bang-bang, it's more an intellectual experience than an emotional
one. Looks aren't important to Aquarians in a relationship, it's the
mind and spirit of a lover that turns Aquarius on.

They are very entertaining in bed and are probably the most
inventive of all the signs. Mental stimulation is more important to
them than physical, which means that pornography gets them hot!

Aquarians are impatient and like sex to be fast and satisfying. They
are very particular about hygiene and contraception and sleeping
around holds little interest for them.

FAVE POSITION
Mutual masturbation.

BEST SEX TOY
A Dildo. Whether gay, straight, male or female, Aquarians will have
some fun with this.

AQUARIUS MALE IN BED
He has amazing staying power in the sack. He can keep at it and
control himself for as long as it takes for YOU to finish! He's up
for anything too. Role playing, S&M, posing nude in the backyard at
5am. He's into 3somes, swinging or open relationships if YOU are
involved. He'll do that for fun, but YOU are the only love of his
life.

AQUARIUS FEMALE IN BED
She's looking for a lover who will be upfront with her, but until
she finds him, she will make do with whoever is available. LOVE
freaks her out. She likes keeping her emotions under tight control
and may come across as cold, but she's just protecting herself.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON AQUARIUS
Lie down as if you are top and tailing and gently tickle and
stroke the ankles and the calves. Don't tickle for giggles, but
tease. After awhile, do the same with your tongue. Lick up, down and
all around. Anywhere above the foot and below the knee is fair game.
Lightly nip the ankle of your Aquarian, they may laugh, but it's not
laughter from tickles, it's a release of tension that will most
definitely lead to some action!

PISCES
Feb 20 - March 20
Ruling Planet: NEPTUNE

The God in charge of delicious dreams, dangerous deceptions and
sexual fantasies Sexually speaking, Pisces is putty in your hands.
Anything you want, anything, is only a question away. If you're
looking for someone who will go the extra mile to discover all your
secret moan zones, then Pisces is for you!

When a typical Piscean makes out, it's an act of romance rather than
pure pleasure. Pisces is the sign of love itself. They are so
romantic and want satin sheets and candles, poetry and a full moon.
Music also gets them in the mood.

One of their least appetizing traits is their ability to become
very, very jealous. Sometimes they are so scared of losing the fairy-
tale romance that they ruin the happy ending themselves.

FAVE POSITION
Pisces is all about Oral affections!

BEST SEX TOY
A copy of the Kama Sutra, since your fish is into almost anything

PISCES MALE IN BED
He is romantic and has the reputation of being a womanizer. The
girlfriend of a Piscean man should keep her eye on the ball as he
can be a bit flighty.

But he does make an excellent lover. He's from the old school that
sex should be an almost out of body experience, and if he's
showering his attentions on you, you're in for a hell of a good ride!

PISCES FEMALE IN BED
She needs romance. It's the very air that she breathes. She needs to
be held gently and whispered sweet nothings to but when it comes to
between the sheets action, she's never happy doing the same ol',
same ol' when she knows there are more exciting options at hand.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON PISCES
The Pisces Zesty-zone is their feet! If you want to make Pisces your
Love Slave, start with a warm, scented footbath and soak their feet
for 10 minutes. Then sit in front of them, cross-legged, and rub
their feet firmly through the water. Use kneading motions that run
from their ankles to the tips of their toes. After 5 minutes, get a
scrub brush and clean their tootsies with lots of TLC, dry them off
and lightly massage peppermint oil all over their feet, paying close
attention to between their toes. Pisces REALLY gets off on this!
Once oiled up, gently kiss each toe, one by one.
Then let your tongue take over and you're in baby!!!

ARIES
March 21-April 20
Ruling Planet: MARS

The bonk now/think later God of War, aggression and action!
Sexually, Aries is an explosion waiting to happen! The
excitement is often in the chase more than the actual conquest
though and while they may appear to want to dominate, they do not
want a submissive partner. Routine brings boredom to sex for Aries,
so if you're only comfortable with the missionary position, go for
another sign, but if you like forceful personalities and enjoy
pretending you're a human Twistie, then you've found
paradise with an Aries.

FAVE POSITION
Always on top and always in charge

BEST SEX TOY
Handcuffs! Like I said, Aries likes to take charge!

ARIES MALE IN BED
The Aries male is loud, domineering and 100% stud! He's from
the bump n grind school of lovemaking so if you're looking for
romantic dinners by candlelight and long walks on the beach, keep
looking! He's the original 5-minute man so if you're turned on by
ultra-macho grunt-and-groaning types, you've just found your ticket
to heaven! He's not prone to cheat unless you bore him in bed and he
likes sex fast and furious baby!

ARIES FEMALE IN BED
She views sex as more of a physical act than something from a soppy
romance novel. If you're a bored exec and want to find out what it's
like to be treated like a piece of meat, then go for a one night
stand with an Aries chick. She'll be gone before you wake up and may
not remember your name the next time you meet. She's got a touch of
KINK to her personality so don't get freaked out when she talks
dirty or puts you over her knee for a spanking. She's all woman, but
are you man enough to handle her?

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON ARIES
If you want to seduce an Aries, running your fingers through their
hair is an awesome starting point! And licking and nibbling around
their face or neck will get them going too! Just be careful to keep
your saliva at bay. Drool is not cool!

TAURUS
April 21 - May 21
Ruling Planet: VENUS

The Goddess in charge of love, beauty and sex. Taureans are
ahead of the game when it comes to love coz they are ruled by VENUS,
the planet of Love! Taurus has all the qualities a lover desires,
including sensuality, loyalty and faithfulness. When a typical
Taurus makes love, it's the most physical and natural pleasure in
the world. They believe the romantic approach to sex almost always
pays off so they will happily cook dinner, buy flowers, and light
candles for someone they wanna bang. They don't like to rush things
and take everything, including sex, slowly.

FAVE POSITION
The one Taurus enjoys most is the Missionary. Some may say this is
so unadventurous, but Taurus is very practical and this is the most
comfortable.

BEST SEX TOY
A battery powered "erotic massager"

TAURUS MALE IN BED
The Taurean man needs a woman who will want to stay home to
eat and make love. He can be stubborn and is known to sulk like a
little boy, but he LOVES making up!! (Rrrrow!) He likes to take
things slow and gently and can last for hours,
always waiting for HER to finish before rolling over to sleep.

TAURUS FEMALE IN BED
She is great at back massages and sex in general. She makes an art
of lovemaking. Just kissing her can bring some men to the big "O".
Her touch is gentle and tender, it excites and caresses and when in
the mood, she too can go for hours at a time, days on end.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON TAURUS
There's nothing Taurus enjoys more than having their neck
kissed and their earlobes nibbled. Light, feathery caresses up and
down the neck followed by gentle licks, no biting, will make a
female writhe with delight and a male stand at attention within
seconds.

GEMINI
May 22 - June 21
Ruling Planet: MERCURY

The swiftest God in the skies, who also happens to be in charge of
ultra-extreme raunchy talk. Talking about sex is Gemini's favorite
hobby and doing it comes a close second. Gemini's love flirting and
lap up attention from the opposite sex, but sometimes that's all
they're looking for. They need a lot of variety when it comes to
sex - dirty weekends away, a quickie in a shop doorway, serious
groping under the table at a fancy restaurant. A lot of Gemini's are
bisexual too and can often be drawn to those of the same sex.

FAVE POSITION
As long as it's different every time, they're not fussy, but if they
must choose, it's that naughty number right after 68, since they can
come up for air if they need to.

BEST SEX TOY
Any illustrated book about kinky sex, so Gemini can pick up
some wild, new ideas.

GEMINI MALE IN BED
He likes to give AND receive and can be quite inventive. He's a
lights on, in front of the mirror kinda guy and if you make a few
subtle noises and talk a wee bit dirty, he'll be very happy.

GEMINI FEMALE IN BED
She is more interested in IQ than private parts. If she can't
respect the intellect, then satisfaction is not possible for her.
She may sleep around forever and never find her true love and she is
not the most faithful of the signs. She likes sex on the run, in an
airplane toilet, in the storeroom at work, in the backseat of a
car....

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON GEMINI
Focus on the shoulders, arms and legs of a Gemini and you're
headed for the good books. They love a good massage and their hands
are so sensitive that even having their fingernails played with
sends shivers up their spine! Kiss up and down each of your Gemini's
arms, sneak in a few licks, nips and nibbles. If you get one or two
yelps, then you know you're doing something right. Then, move onto
the fingers, slowly kiss, lick, nip and nibble each fingertip, then
pull out the killer move - suck on each finger, slowly, as if it's a
lollipop. I'll almost offer a money back guarantee on this one
working!

CANCER
June 22 - July 23
Ruling Planet: THE MOON

Which isn't a planet at all but the satellite responsible for this
water sign's many mood swings! Love and sex go together for Cancer.
They need to feel secure in love before they can relax in sex and
Cancer often feels a little bit guilty after doing the deed because
they usually associate sex with babies, especially the women, who
either get pregnant at the drop of a hat or take longer than usual.
All Cancers WANT to be parents! Cancers become sexually excited when
they feel secure. They are turned on by home cooked meals and
partners who love kids. In so many ways, Cancer is the dream partner!

FAVE POSITION
Any position that's comfortable and involves Cancer lying flat on
their back with all their sensitive areas exposed!

BEST SEX TOY
A drink or joint that will relax the overly-cautious crab!

CANCER MALE IN BED
He is a sensitive lover and will put his partner's needs before his
own. He has a tenderness about him that drives women wild! If the
Cancer guy decides he's in it for the long haul, he'll do whatever
it takes to keep his lover happy in and out of the bedroom. Oh, and
he's a BREAST man!!

CANCER FEMALE IN BED
She oozes sexiness and is born to mate!! Compliments and
kissing will win her over, so as you're nibbling on her ear,
whisper "you're so beautiful" to get her quivering. Perhaps the
Vincent (Big Brother) growl would work on a Cancer woman?

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON CANCER
Concentrate on the breasts and pecs of Cancer to really get
them going. Start by kissing and brushing up against them.
Licking the Cancer female's nipple through her top will excite her,
but don't 'dive right in' coz you're likely to scare her.

It's the complete opposite for the Cancer male who will LOVE it if
you get straight to the point. Squeeze his pecs and bite his bod and
you'll have him bouncing off the walls in no time!

LEO
July 24 - August 23
Ruling Planet: THE SUN

Which isn't a planet at all, but a star, and just like Leo's
opinion of themselves, it's the center of our solar system! Leos can
be very 'into themselves' when they bonk. It's not that they don't
make their partner feel special, it's just that they often forget
about them as they secretly high-five themselves for scoring again!
Leo does actually want more from a partner than just sex though. Leo
wants love and friendship too. They can be very romantic, but when
they get into bed, it's not an experience they're about to have,
it's a show!

They like to perform... and they take requests! "Doing it" is the
ultimate stress buster for Leo and they are pretty damn good at it,
but they need constant praise for their outstanding performance.

FAVE POSITION
Receiving 'oral affections', since Leo is all about getting
serviced!

BEST SEX TOY
A camera, or a game of Strip Poker will get the cat purring or
perhaps you can use them both together!

LEO MALE IN BED
You are the King of the Jungle and expect to be treated that way!
You are a good lover because you don't like to fail at anything. You
are sexy and have an aura of sexiness that is difficult to deny.
But, you will let anyone adore you, so your partner has to make the
effort or you will pad off to your next Lioness!!

LEO FEMALE IN BED
You are elegant and sexy without even trying. Men love you and women
want to be you. You like to play cat and mouse with men and command
respect. In bed, you are a real panther and can scare the pants off
most men. You adore raw sex, so your
partner should go with you and enjoy it. You're a once in a
lifetime experience!

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON LEO
A Leo's 'moan zone' is his or her back. First of all, ask your Leo
to roll onto his/her tummy. Start with a gentle scratch that runs
from the top of the ass to the base of the skull. I'm not talking
about tender tickles or a tantalizing tease - I mean a REAL back
scratch, coz if there's one thing cats love, it's a scratch!

After a minute or so, get out the massage oil and spill it into a
snakey pattern on Leo's back. Then rub all over. Keep doing this
until you know Leo is ready to roll over. If they start falling
asleep, give them a gentle prod in a delicate place! Once Leo is
ready to roll over, don't let them! Leo will be excited by your
control. YOU decide when it's time to 'flip your feline' over and
get into the good stuff!

VIRGO
August 24 - September 23
Ruling Planet: Mercury

The God in charge of intellect and speed... but don't worry
because Virgo likes to take their time in the sack!! Virgos have two
sides to their personality. The Virgin and the Vixen. They may want
you to THINK they are all sweet and
virginal, but they are definitely NOT! However, Virgos are looking
for a long term partner, not a one night stand or an affair! They
tend to seduce with finesse, charm and subtlety so you may not even
realize you're being lured by a Virgo!! Once Virgo has been in a
relationship for awhile, they get engrossed in housework and things
like that, which can cause a serious dip in libido. Do NOT let this
happen! They are definitely more of a "can we cuddle instead" sign
that a 'let's get it on!' one when committed.

FAVE POSITION
Almost anything, as long as it involves eye contact!

BEST SEX TOY
It's more of a game. Write down five wild sex acts and put them in a
bowl. Get Virgo to pick one out at random, and then do what you're
told!! Virgo LOVES spontaneous sexuality!

VIRGO MALE IN BED
You can be quite boring at times because you have set views on how a
woman should be. You don't mean to criticize or offend, but your
perfectionist ways may drive your lover loopy! You DO have some
kinky ideas though, but it is difficult to get to the bottom of your
passion! You are a creature of habit, so if your lover can get you
into the habit of sleeping with her, who knows what might happen?

VIRGO FEMALE IN BED
You are hardworking and careful about your appearance, but you
really do fantasize about getting down and dirty! You are a secret
romantic and crave the perfect lover. Since the perfect lover
doesn't exist, you'll take what you can get! You are quite insecure
and need a partner who will adore you. You have strong passion
beneath that practical exterior and are just waiting for someone to
unearth it!

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON VIRGO
Virgo's have a VERY sexually sensitive tummy!! If you wanna
make them putty in your hands, stroke, lick and kiss their
stomach!! The area from the bellybutton DOWN! Once you have
them squirming, you can have anything you want!! Just
remember to keep one hand on their tummy at all times!!

LIBRA
September 24 - October 23
Ruling Planet: Venus

The planet in charge of beauty, love peace, and stirring
sensuality Libra is one of the sexiest signs in the zodiac, but if
Libra can't get what they want from one lover, they will opt for
two! They are notorious for having double standards in that
situation too. They'll look you in the eye and say "never cheat on
me, cuz I would never do it to you", even when they have a hot night
of passion planned with someone else! Librans are more turned
on 'giving' than 'receiving'. They have a big heart and are the
least
selfish sign of the Zodiac.

Libras are not very open about their thoughts or fantasies. They'd
rather say nothing than tell the truth and offend or embarrass you.
In bed, it takes a while for them to be comfortable enough to tell
you exactly what they want.

FAVE POSITION
As long as they are lying down, they're happy!

BEST SEX TOY
K.Y. Jelly. I will say no more!

LIBRA MALE IN BED
The Libra man sees sex as an exciting adventure and he'd be
very keen to do it in kinky places like a restaurant toilet! He
likes being a bad boy if there's a chance he might get caught. He'll
try out any fantasy you have, but whether or not you can keep a
tight hold on his heart remains to be seen. However, he can be a bit
of a pushover, and is perfect husband material, and he'd prefer his
lover to take the lead. He is romantic and considerate but may
suffer from Premature Ejaculation!

LIBRA FEMALE IN BED
The only thing that separates Libra men and women is what's
between their legs! Libra girl wants a strong man who
understands that she needs her individuality and freedom. She is
turned off by burping, farting, and bad breath.. Good personal
hygiene is crucial if you want to get to 2nd base. Librans are very
good at lying to get their own way. When your Libra girl groans in
bed, look into her eyes to make sure she's not 'faking it'.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON LIBRA
Libra's Love Zone is their lower back and butt, so please,
squeeze and pat your Libra's butt whenever you get a chance.
When you're kissing, reach under his or her top and stroke the lower
part of their back, starting in the middle and working your way down
to their butt. Take your time and be gentle! To really drive your
Libra wild? Have you ever heard of the term 'Rimming'??? Does it
surprise you that a high percentage of Libras are gay?

SCORPIO
October 24 - November 22
Ruling Planet: PLUTO

The Roman God of the dead, beginnings and endings. Which
basically means that Scorpios add novel differences to any
relationship. Scorpios are very possessive. They will tense up if
you even LOOK at another hottie across the room. But they can be
relied on to always be there for you if you need them. You may never
really know what your Scorpio is thinking though, because to them,
Knowledge is power and they are very good at putting on a straight
face to cover up any emotion they are feeling. Scorpios love sex.
The dirtier, the better. Get them excited by rvealing your filthiest
fantasy and offering to act it out.

FAVE POSITION:
Anything, as long as it involves dominating your ass.

BEST SEX TOY:
Ben Wah Balls for the girls, and a Riding Crop for the boys

SCORPIO MALE IN BED
His sexuality is so strong, it will make you dizzy!! If you are
lucky enough to be with a Scorpio boy, you will always be
satisfied!! There's a rumour that the Scorpio man is the most
skilled in bed. It's as true as a black man has a giant wang!!! Most
are pretty good!! The only thing you don't wanna do is piss him off.
Every little thing u do that he doesn't like, he will file away in
his little mental rolodex. Piss him off one too many times, and he
will wreak his revenge!!!

SCORPIO FEMALE IN BED
She may look like a quiet, shy girl, but in bed she is NOT! She is a
wildly passionate woman, who is DYNAMO is the bedroom. Just don't
piss her off either, cuz she can more vengeful than a Scorpio man,
and she has no problem causing a scene! Don't talk about other
women, or play hard to get, because she will get you back, and it's
a game of one-upmanship you will never win.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SCORPIO
Since this is one of the horniest signs, it makes sense that their
moan zone is between their legs! Then again, their big head (or
their mind) is just as easy to turn on. Talking dirty and teasing
your Scorpio will get them ready and randy in a flash!! Without
getting too graphic, the magic words for today are RUB, RUB, RUB.

SAGITTARIUS
November 23 - December 22
Ruling Planet: JUPITER

God of money, luck and good times between the sheets. Sagos are
playful, laid back and oh-so fun to party with. They are wild, and
may be the BADDEST party people you ever meet! One thing to be wary
of is that Sagos like to talk BULLSHIT! Don't believe everything
they tell you because they are kings at 'talking it up'. Sagos
probably make better friends than lovers, but if you happen to score
a one-nighter with them, be prepared to do stuff you've NEVER done
before! Sagos are spontaneous and adventurous and most have probably
been caught doing it somewhere public. When they find the right
lover, they will give it 100% as long as the commitment is returned.

FAVE POSITION:
They are up for anything. Quality AND Quantity.

BEST SEX TOY:
Handwrite a sexual fantasy of yours and leave it on their pillow.
You'll be surprised at what happens next!

SAGITTARIAN MALE IN BED
Even if he's fat, balding and middle aged, he can still pull the
chicks. It's his love and pursuit of happiness that draws the babes
to him. Think "Austin Powers" baby, yeah! He is a wee bit selfish
though, so be prepared for an "all about me" attitude in the sack.
He LOVES doing it, and if you start holding out on him, he's likely
to get it somewhere else. He will either amaze his partner with his
sexual expertise or be absolute trash in bed!

SAGITTARIAN FEMALE IN BED
The Sago woman is a handful! She changes her mind more
often than she shaves her armpits, is blunt, oversensitive and takes
offense at the strangest things. She's adventurous in the bedroom
and also has no problems cheating if her needs are not fulfilled.
But can u handle her open-minded sexuality? She will hide her
emotions from you, but don't make the mistake of hiding yours from
her. She's looking for someone she can trust 100%, but is quite
hypocritical since she can be very untrustworthy herself.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SAGITTARIUS
Hips and thighs are extremely sensual for a Sago, so
concentrate on massaging and stroking that area and the place in
between! Don't be afraid to ask your Sago if you're doing it right
cuz they would LOVE to tell you! The best way to get them going is
to grope their inner thigh in a public place!

CAPRICORN
December 23 - January 20
Ruling Planet: SATURN

The God who oversees time, discipline and dedication, which
means Capricorn can go the distance - with major staying power - in
bed and beyond!! Capricorns are very good at hiding their emotions,
so it's often hard to tell when they are truly, deeply in love. If
you have a load of cash, you can almost bet on admiration from a
Capricorn because the goat is turned on by money. Like I said
before, Capricorn has great sexual stamina and the ability to go all
night if they want to!

FAVE POSITION:
Spooning! Goat boys and girls love to take, or be taken from
behind.

BEST SEX TOY:
An office desk to "bond" on, or an erotic video will loosen up the
randy goat.

CAPRICORN MALE IN BED
Imagination isn't a strong suit for Capricorn so don't expect
acrobatics in the sack. Sex with him could possibly be as boring as
watching paint dry and he tends to be a little bit selfish in that
area too. BUT you can definitely count on him to be faithful if he
has committed to you.

CAPRICORN FEMALE IN BED
She is strong and confident and likes to run the show! She's a tough
nut to crack but once inside her shell, she's as sweet as caramel.
Her fave position may be missionary, but she seeks excitement in new
locations, so experiment with different venues to keep it
interesting.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON CAPRICORN
Capricorns are the most anal signs of the zodiac, so buttering them
up will take a bit of effort. Believe it or not, their erotic area
is the knees! Lightly stroke their legs, paying close attention to
the knee region. Licking, kissing, and nibbling the area will get
them squirming.

The NEWS

I was lying in bed with Daniel on Wednesday when the phone rang, about 4:45 PM. I looked at the caller ID and this is what it said: SCAD. I had to answer it. The caller answered like this,"Hi Ms. (my name removed to protect), this is {} from Savannah College of Art and Design. I just wanted to congratulate you in case you haven't received your acceptance letter yet......" I don't remember much more about the call. The feeling of stupefied disbelief was just too much to bear. I just began to cry. My lifelong dream of attending SCAD had come true. How the hell I got accepted is beyond me. My college grades have been uneven at best. But now, here I am, accepted to one of the best art school in the nation and now paying for it is the only thing standing in my way.

Long long week

I have had a pretty eventful week. Daniel came down Wednesday and we did the whole Star Wars blitz: the midnight showing at the average Lexington Green cinema, and the 6:30 the next day showing at the stellar Hamburg Pavilion. The joy I have felt the past 5 days has been just overwhelming. This has been the longest period of time I have spent with one man for a long time. The fact that we didn't kill each other actually proves we have a future, a real one. He is very forgiving of my many shortcomings, and for that I am grateful. We went to the Rocker's party this weekend as well, and it was fun to see his reaction to wholesale nudity and depravity. Daniel is rather shy, and had some problems talking to some of the women there. I didn't play myself because he didn't. It would not have been fair. We spent today just making love and downloading stuff. Now is the time we will start to try to figure out how to merge our lives I think, especially since I got some pretty momentous news Wednesday.

Open letter to Renee Zellweger (tongue in cheek)

Dear Stupid Cunt:
What the Hell are you thinking?!? For two years you had the most sublime example of the male gender on this planet, and you threw him away. For what: cornpone country cock. Jesus woman, I would kill and maim anything or anyone in my path for 5 MINUTES with Jack White, and you dropped him like a used tampon. He is everything that is brilliant and magical, and you didn't want him. So lets break this down: you dump Heaven, then date Damien Rice for about a nanosecond. Along comes Kenny Chesney, and you up and marry the guy after only 4 months. Hmmm three men in 8 months. Smells like desperation. Hearing that biological clock ticking are we dear? 36 and never been married kinda scare you?
But that's ok..go ahead and enjoy it while it lasts. Meanwhile, Ill be dialing Satan for a chance to heal Jacks heart, Bitch.

LYRICS ALERT>>>!!!!

It is no big secret that White Stripes are the band that rock my world. I have had my knickers in a bunch for weeks waiting for the first song of the album to be released..and I wasn't disappointed. Rumor had it Jack had gone soft since going producer. Trust me he's just as fine as ever.

White Stripes - Blue Orchid

You got a reaction
You got a reaction didn't, you?
You took a white orchid
You took a white orchid turned it blue

Something better than nothing
Something better than nothing, it's giving up
We all need to do something
Try keep the truth from showing up

How dare you
How old are you now, anyway?
How dare you
How old are you now, anyway?

You're given a flower
But I guess there's just no pleasing you
Your lips tastes sour
But you think that it's just me teasing you

You got a reaction
You got a reaction, didn't you?
You took a white orchid
You took a white orchid turned it blue

Get behind me
Get behind me now, anyway
Get behind me
Get behind me now, anyway

You got a reaction
You got a reaction, didn't you?
You took a white orchid
You took a white orchid turned it blue

Cool Band Alert!!

I got an IM from a member of the band Perigee (http://www.betarecords.com/artist.php?artist=perigee), a unit out of Connersville, IN. I went to the website to check them out, and I was quite impressed. They have three songs you can check out, my personal fave was "Happy". If you like original bands that rock, these guys are for you. I look forward to seeing them at The Dame this summer hopefully.

PROFILE
Career: Band / Ensemble
Genre: Rock, Top 40, Alternative
Repertoire: Original
Contact: (765) 821 - 2108
Email: perigee@betarecords.com
Website: n/a
Location: United States of America - IN - 47331

Beltane and an "oh Shit" moment part I

Daniel came down to spend time with me on Friday night, so he could take me and the bar set up to another Prestonsburg swing party. Mr. Cool was having domestic problems, and wanted us to take the bar on ahead in case he couldn't make it (he ended up not making it). We ended up going to Yamamoto's for dinner, since he hadn't been to a Japanese steak house in a while. Even though my asthma was killing me and I kept coughing, it was a glorious meal. It had been so very very long since I had went out with someone I had so much pent up passion and affection for. He was attentive and affectionate and funny and tender. We then went over to Mr. Cool's and sat in his hot tub in the rain with a bottle of Asti Spumanti, one of the truest romantic moments I've ever had. The rest of the night consisted of lovemaking and downloading music from my personal collection. The next day we went to the party. I sat up the bar after a few hours and the party was on. I told myself I could not be selfish with him, and I told him he was free to play with others. So he did and I bartended. I didn't feel mad or deprived at all. I was actually pleased at my open mindedness. The party was awesome and the tips were good and friends were all around. I went to our cabin after I closed the bar after 1 am, and he came up there to make sure I was ok and to neck. I told him it was fine for him to go back to the party since I was so tired. He sounded guilty I wasn't playing too, but I reminded him of why I wasn't: I was on my period, and I only really wanted to play with him by my choice. So I talked with some of our cabin mates for an hour then went to bed.

The trouble started at 6 am. I woke up to realize my friend Antoine had passed out in bed beside me and was snoring my ears off. Not Daniel. I got up and went to the other empty bed. I felt achy from the fatigue and the asthma and allergies. Then I felt it: jealousy. I was disappointed he wasn't with me, but someone else. The OH Shit moment had arrived. I knew then I was falling in love with him. And there was nothing I could do to stop it even if I wanted to. So I cried, both for the fact that I had let myself become vunerable again, and out of guilt for feeling jealous...

Beltane and an "oh Shit" moment part II

I realized it was Beltaine, so I decided to do my ceremony to ask for guidance. It went something like this," Dearest Mother Aphrodite (my patroness), please guide me to see that I do not need to feel insecure about Daniel. Please help me to see that what we feel for each other is real, and is right and good to pursue. Please give me a sign as to where this I all going and how I should go further...". I then heard the front door of the cabin open, and two people entered. One was female and really drunk. Daniel walked in to see if there was an empty bed. There wasn't so he left her on the couch. He then came to bed and sounded so sorry he hadn't been there, but he was taking care of a friend who showed up after I had left and had gotten wasted. Then he held me tight, and told me his feelings were getting really really deep for me and did I feel the same. My response was that I was glad he said it because I wanted to say the same thing. We held each other, and it was like coming home, and like answered prayers.

4 years ago today.

April 28, 2001

It rained buckets. Water was ankle deep in places, and Key West is not known for it's drainage. We lived 5 blocks away from El Siboney, and John wanted to go there for his birthday dinner. He was in remission but the treatments had left his once barrel frame of 220 lbs down to 123. He was skeletal and unable to walk more than a few feet. So I helped him into the wheelchair he detested, and we walked. And it poured endless gallons of water on our heads. We got there and they offered us towels, and teased John by carding him for his one beer (against doctors orders). We both ate Pallomina Steak and plantains (sp?). I took him home full and contented to leftover birthday cake from the previous weekend's trip to La Tratoria's with his sister and brother in law, a much less festive affair, since they were threatening to take him out of my care. It was a simple birthday, and the next year's (and last)birthday was with his kids, and very noisy. He said the rainy birthday was his favorite.
Well baby it's raining today, but cold instead of steamy. I'm in my apartment waiting for takeout salad and Survivor to come on ( a fave of yours). I am living a life now you would never have approved of. You would not recognize me now, looks or personality wise. But know this: men may come and men may go in my life, but I will never love as fiercely as I loved, and still love, you. I will love differently, passionately, but never again fiercely. Happy birthday baby.

Poetry alert on John's 56th Birthday

Kelly from Dilletante, a good but far flung friend of mine, left this on a coment from my last post. Since today would have been John's 56th birthday, I considered it very sweet of her to post it and extremely timely.

"I was reading a book of pagan poetry, and came across this:

HEARTSTONE By Patricia Wellington-Jones

Years after her husband died
she placed crushed mugwort in her left nostril,
stepped into the labyrinth, trod
the gravel path between lines of stone
A few twists an acorn rolling
between thumb and warm palm, she was surprised
to find her late love beside her deliberate steps.
the sun beat on her hated head, the path
wound and wound and wound.
After several turns she stopped resisting.
let him fill her body with tears
she'd long thought shed. Stunned
at an outer ring, her feet refused to move.
Amid rough lava and mica-chipped stone,
one not-too-large river cobble: smooth
and gray, inviting her fingers, with a heart
sunken in the matrix of white. She felt her love
take her hand, lead her to the center. There,
in a rock hollow, she added the acorn to lichen
cedar tip, faded flowers.
Expecting to feel calmed, she started
the outward trek, found tears spilling over
at the heartstone. With a sense of sacriledge,
she fished a tissue from her jeans and,
in one sharp blast, blew away the tears--
and mugwort. A final pat of stone,
a few steps further on the gravel, her hair lifted
in the refreshing breeze. She felt her husband's
smile rise over the oaks. Pace still deliberate,
heart and feet light, she stepped quickly from the guidance of the labyrinth
to the tangle of everyday."

Thanks Kelly :D

Water under the bridge-9 days

I realize I haven't been posting much, in fact for 9 days. I've been pondering what can happen in such a short time. In 9 days a new pope can be elected. Two small children can wander away from a home in Georgia, never to return. A chance to help start a business can fall into one's lap. A new possible love can begin to take root. I suppose I have been just swamped with too much to handle at once, and needed time to absorb it all in. I have been faithfully keeping up with Kelly's (dilettante) and Clint's(bluefairlane) blogs with a mix of pride of knowing them and jealousy of their prolific writing skills. Tomorrow John would have been 56 years old. I had my first encounter with a million dollar race horse, only for it to try to bite my left breast off lol.
In short, I feel like a piece of silly putty that can be enlarged by bulling in all directions. The putty can never be uniformly enlarged, and is always misshapen. But stretch it does in new directions.

Kentucky in Springtime and the allergies are in bloom..

I just about drowned in my own nasal fluids this weekend after whatever pretty flower or tree it was that does this bloomed. Spring is my favorite time of year, I absolutely adore the flowers; forsynthia, dogwoods, wisteria, etc. But they don't love me. I am an allergy sufferer that lives in the worst state for allergies in the US. Yes I am a moron. It's kinda hard to work either job when one is coughing up chunks of lung. So for the second time in as many weeks, I went to the fucking doctor's office. 40 bucks worth of co-pay later, I'm on Zyrtec. I haven't taken it yet, I'm waiting for dinner first. Maybe one day I will wise up and move back to Wyoming where allergies don't exist....

Nope Im not lost, call off the search party!!!

I know I have been short of posting the last few weeks. Im working two jobs now so no free time. I have been reading my friends blogs, and have been delighted on how spring has been decent to us all. My friendship with Daniel grows daily, and makes me happy. So I'm short of posting material, but knowing me, something will happen sooner or later:P

Daniel

YIKES!!!

I'm having a full blown, Danger Will Robinson moment. I went to a swing party in Prestonsburg, KY this weekend to bartend and play. I have decided not to do the second job during swing parties. It was suggested to me by a wise reader that I needed to have a spiritual-sexual outlet, and the swing parties will be it. So Mr. Cool, shackup, and myself got to Jenny Wiley State Park
(http://parks.ky.gov/jwiley2.htm) around 7 ish to met up with our friends who were hosting the party. Mr. Cool had rented a cabin beside theirs so the party could overflow one to the other. Anyway, we walked in and along with our friends there was a local there who was interested in the group: Daniel. He was, at first look, about my age, 5'9ish, dark hair and eyes. I was looking at him and warning bells started ringing, which I took note of but didn't really listen to. We started talking about computers, which snowballed to witchcraft (He had studied it) and books (we ended up having read the same obscure ones). More alarm bells, and more dismissal of them. He ended up getting stuck behind some parked cars and stayed talking to 3am. The next day I went hiking with more friends, but kept thinking about him. I decided if I played, he was going to be it. Daniel had another party so he didn't show up until later that night. As for the party, I bartened for tips, had lots of guys flirt. It was a good time. Then he walked through the door about midnight. I made it a point to close the bar at 12:30. There was another guy wanting to play with me, but he had been with 3 others in the space of 5 hours, so I wasn't interested. This guy persisted, so I caught Daniel in the bathroom and asked if he wanted to meet me outside to go to the other cabin and play. He agreed to my delight, and we went to the other cabin.

Now long-suffering readers will remember the incredibly good time I had at the Valentine's day dance with Tyler. Daniel turned into being a million times better. I was in heaven for 2 hours. Then we ended up at the other cabin with a room to ourselves, and ended up collapsing at 6 am. He was loving and kind and there was a chemistry there I hadn't felt in a LONG TIME, hence the warning alarms. I have been home about an hour and already got a quick note from him. He doesn't know that I'm an escort. He lives in John's Creek, 3 hours away from me. There are so many many ways this could kick the shit out of my heart. Daniel is the first guy I have had this feeling about in a long long time. All I can think is that he has the potential to turn my crazy world even more upside down. And yet....I am waiting for his IM feeling wistful: and ignoring those damn mental alarms:P

Living in the moment, and a lyrics alert at the same time!

"Blue Sky"
The Allman Brothers

Walk along the river, sweet lullaby, it just keeps on flowing,
It don't worry 'bout where it's going, no, no.
Don't fly, mister blue bird, I'm just walking down the road,
Early morning sunshine tell me all I need to know

You're my blue sky, you're my sunny day.
Lord, you know it makes me high when you turn your love my way,
Turn your love my way, yeah.

Good old sunday morning, bells are ringing everywhere.
Goin to Carolina, it won't be long and I'll be there

You're my blue sky, you're my sunny day.
Lord, you know it makes me high when you turn your love my way,
Turn your love my way, yeah.


I have been on an euphoric high for days. I have no idea what the hell is going on with me. It might be the fact that for the first time in years I'm not worrying about money. Maybe its the pure energy of exercise. My friend John claims he is sending me healing energy, which is possible. He packs some mean mojo. The best way to explain the feeling is that I feel serene. I got a comment from Outcast asking me if this was the way I was going to live my life, or just live in the moment and see what happens. Well the answer is this: if this is what it feels like to live in the moment, then the moment is where I will stay. Until the circle turns again.

Death and life and death.

My grandmother always says that with the rebirth of spring death steps up the pace. Saul Bellow. Terri Schiavo. Pope JP II. Prince Rainier. Plus millions of others not so famous or infamous. I suppose when Persephone returns from Hades, there's some sort of trade. The sap rises, and the decay of the previous year feeds the new growth. The lessons we have learned from the lives of those leaving feed and sustain us (if we are wise enough to listen). I wouldn't mind dying in the spring. The last vision in my eyes being the blooming flowers, hopefully the first roses of the season. Everything fresh and green and wholesome. Sprinkle my ashes partially with the roses, the rest in the sea. And I would be pleased.

Some thoughts

Wikipedia(http://en.wikipedia.org)has a interesting definition of the word "Hierodule"

"In ancient Greece and Anatolia a hierodule, from Greek hiero- "holy" and doule "female slave", was a temple slave in the service of a specific deity, often with the connotation of religious prostitution. The priestesses of Inanna were known to be hierodules.
Among some neopagans, a hierodule may be a priestess who has sex in the role of whichever Goddess she serves in the divine union of hieros gamos."

My buddies at Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary are, as always, more direct:
"Main Entry: hi·ero·dule
Pronunciation: 'hI-(&-)rO-"dü(&)l, hI-'er-&-, -"dyü(&)l
Function: noun
Etymology: Late Latin hierodulus, from Greek hierodoulos, from hieron temple + doulos slave
: a slave or prostitute in the service of a temple (as in ancient Greece)"

I have been ruminating on this word for two weeks, as I have taken to being an escort. I will categorically state that I have no shame in what I am doing. I have met men that I would never EVER meet anywhere else. All of them (so far) have been educated, successful, intelligent men. I have been feted, complemented, and showered with attention. Once I was compared to a Renaissance painting (Ruebens naturally LOL) and called every variation of beautiful. Trust me, this is healing the inner Ugly Teenager that has been rampaging for several years. Far from feeling badly, I'm trying to figure out how to do this as my sole method of bread winning and painting in my spare time. Then as I was reading on the net and the word hierodule popped out. Is this what I am, or was at some point. I feel a spiritual communion during the act of sex. Love will always be the most essential ingredient to making sex perfect. But, this is satisfying a deep spiritual need as well as financial one. And, I seem to be very good at it. So where will this go? I don't know yet. I do know that this has opened a door into my psyche that wont close anytime soon.

Poetry alert!!

I was sent forth from the power,
and I have come to those who reflect upon me,
and I have been found among those who seek after me,
Look upon me, you who reflect upon me,
and you hearers, hear me.
You who are waiting for me, take me to yourselves
And do not banish me from your sight…

For I am the first and the last
I am the honored one and the scorned one,
I am the whore and the holy one…

I am the silence that is incomprehensible
and the idea whose remembrance is frequent.
I am the voice whose sound is manifold
and the word whose appearance is multiple.
I am the utterance of my name…

Excerpts from "The Thunder, Perfect Mind",
THE NAG HAMMADI LIBRARY