Valentine's Day Massacre: Final Thoughts

I was in the process Saturday of writing the most scathing, vitriolic, hateful entry about Valentine's Day I could manage. Then I went to the Valentine's party held by Mr. Cool and his swing club. Mr. Cool and his shack up were fighting, so no Valentine's celebration with him. Did my usual thing with flirting with all the people I knew, and trying to make the newbie's comfortable. About 10pm after a decent sized joint and 4 Fuzzy Navels (http://www.idrink.com/drinks/Fuzzy_Navel.htm), I was reasonably relaxed to play. A new guy approached me, and started talking, I'll call him T. He was a reasonably pleasant guy, a bit on the yuppie side but funny. Turned my head a second, then turned it back and he was kissing me. Very well. What started to catch my attention was the he was in no hurry for anything else, just deep kissing. But after an hour of necking (HIGHLY UNUSUAL), one of us talked the other into heading to his room, I cant recall who. And what followed was about 3 hours of the hottest sex I've had in almost a year. What made it hot was not 22 positions, or technique. This guy treated me like a GODDESS. He continually praised me for my beauty. He kept saying how perfect I was, how incredible I tasted and smelled and felt under his mouth and hands. The best part was that after 2 mutual orgasms (Rare as Hell for me), he didn't run to the next partner. He laid there and held me and kept up the praise and affection, and kept up the long deep sensual kisses. He sought no other partner that night, as is common at a swing party. For three hours I was the sole universe of a member of the opposite sex. And it had been far too long.

It is so ironic about life. Just when I was getting ready to trash love in general, Valentine's Day in particular, and men specifically, I get a curve ball flung my way. And the biggest surprise at all, I hit a home run. After the past year of walking around supposedly holding myself above the messiness of romance, I got reminded about what it could be. In a one night stand of all things. The past few weeks have dealt me a beating, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I was questioning my self esteem. And then one perfect encounter reinforced my self worth. Logically I know I am an incredible woman with gifts and talents and passions, and my own version of beauty. Maybe I just need reminded more often? Who really knows. The goddess Aphrodite gave me a gift on Saturday I won't soon forget. As for Valentine's Day, it will forever continue to be an overhyped, media driven exercise in wholesale humiliation, until we can all learn that romance and love starts with the self, then we share it.

HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINE"S DAY

The day's here, let us all hope I get through it with as little carnage as possible.

The Grammy's Rehash..

Ray Charles swept it. I could have done without Freebird, but the Southern Rock bit was good. I want to congratulate Loretta Lynn and Jack White for their two grammy wins: Best Country Collaboration With Vocals, and Best Country Album. The Grammy's in the past has celebrated progressive country, and this was no exception. I was pleased the Grammy's no longer suck as badly as they did in the past.

A big thank you...

Kelly, thank you so much for your post about me, and for linking me on your site. You will never know the impact you had. Here is a copy of her post from her blog Dilettante's Diary (http://kellyrae.blogspot.com/)

"Sunday, February 13, 2005
When things go wrong
I've been following Zezrie's blog since about August. I've read of her residual pain after her husband's death a few years ago, her struggles with work, her art, her body, her sexuality. I've felt a lot of compassion and admiration for her, and today, more so than ever.

In January Zezrie was sexually assaulted by someone she knew well, someone she'd had sex with before... The things she says in some of her posts pluck something deep inside me, and that dark, dangerous rage starts to rise in me. MEN! But its not just men, women can violate people too, as Demming did me. Something in me wants to track him down and violate him. Something in me wants to visit upon him the law of consequences. I want Samuel Jackson's character from Pulp Fiction to pay him a visit. I want to tie him to the cell door of a Mississippi prison and let the men there call him bitch.

Sometimes I despair of there being any justice in the world, but I believe in balance. I believe that what we send out into the world comes back to us. Buck lost an eye in a car accident 3 years after he drugged me and raped me. It seems a fair trade. I hope the man who assaulted Zezrie is 'balanced' soon."

Thank you Kelly

Valentine's Day Massacre: Obsession

Valentine's Day tends to be the type of holiday that brings the stalker out in everyone. This is the favorite time to try to buy someone's love with flowers, candy, diamonds, etc. What is it that makes humans feel "love" for people who otherwise would never know of their existence, or have known it and want to forget? Before I get into it, I have a confession. I am obsessed with someone who I know for a fact will NEVER acknowledge my presence, and will never consider me fit as a romantic companion. That being said, I have a collection of pics of him on my Yahoo pictures account, 240 to be exact. There is a large poster of him at the foot of my bed. He is the only human I'm using in my artwork as a subject. Logically I know that this is not a suitable pastime or pursuit for a woman my age. And, this is kinda humiliating to actually come out and admit. But this is my point: obsessions just doesn't run with stalkers. All humans suffer from it, just in greater and lesser degrees. With my obsession this person can me anyone I need him to be. I can project whatever need I have on him, and he responds. I have a whole relationship in my mind NOONE can interfere with. However I consider myself relatively sane. Stalkers try to see if the projection equals the real person, and it never does. Thus all the freaky stuff they do. Can't blame the celebrity, they are just trying to get through this life like everyone else.
The closer to home obsessions are a bit more dangerous. We have all dealt with the psycho ex boyfriend or girlfriend that leaves the threatening messages,the notes. Breakups can go horribly awry. The ego and self esteem are all too often tied with what the love object relates about us. So many people can't be whole in themselves. And from painful experience, there is no such thing as another human being "completing" another. We want so much for something else outside of us to bring out what's already there. I went through a baptism by fire to figure this out, and I figured out it's impossible for another human being to make you into something you aren't already. This is why I am single, and happily so. I have had friends stalked, beaten up, terrorized by others obsessed with them. The papers are full of death from obsessions gone terribly wrong. We all know someone who's been through it if we haven't ourselves. Restraining orders are as good as the paper they are printed on. There will never be any solution with this, its as deep as human nature goes.

Post card tag with a really cool guy...Part 2

Got a postcard back from Ben Blackwell, from Cass Record's post card tag. It was of a absolutely gorgeous Egyptian necklace, and on the back?

"2-8-05
You have to assume that this necklace was at one time or another in the hands of a Grave robber. What you would not assume is that I am that grave robber. Enjoy.
Later....Ben"
So if anyone still wants to play, send a postcard, the more unique the better, to:
Cass Records HQ (3424 Bishop, Detroit, MI 48224. I sent mine on 2/4/2004, and got a card back on the 8th. Nothing to lose but 30 cents for card and stamp...

Valentine's Day Massacre: sexual secret 2-The guy's turn

From my old friends Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary: http://www.m-w.com/

Main Entry: cun·ni·lin·gus
Pronunciation: "k&-ni-'li[ng]-g&s
Variant(s): also cun·ni·linc·tus /-'li[ng](k)-t&s/
Function: noun
Etymology: cunnilingus, New Latin, from Latin, one who licks the vulva, from cunnus vulva + lingere to lick; cunnilinctus, New Latin, from Latin cunnus + linctus, act of licking, from lingere -- more at LICK
: oral stimulation of the vulva or clitoris

I personally hate this word. It makes it sound like a disease. And men's approach to this is a bit different than with women with blowjobs. Most of the men I have spoken to about this claim they love to eat pussy. But get them to the mat and one of three things happen: they refuse, they do it badly or do it decently. Men who brag about their licking skills also tend to (pardon the pun) suck at it.
Guys, this is oral sex, not astrophysics. It takes so very precious little to make women happy when you eat us out. Here are a few crucial yet little discussed points that can make men better at it and women happy...
CAVEAT: This section is not for lesbians. Eating pussy is their specialty. I would never even start to presume to begin to give bi or lesbian girls pointers. It would be kinda hypocritical, seeing as I'm straight. That being said, here we go.

1) SLOW THE HELL DOWN!!!! This is the biggest problem I have personally found with men going down on me. Trust me guys, there is no speed record for this in Guinness Book of Records. A lot of men start fine, then go into hyperdrive. I know most women will not speak up about this during the act, but even when I do, it doesn't seem to help. If a man goes too fast he could lick for hours and I won't cum. Save us both some time and aggravation and pace yourself. Sam Kinison had the right approach to this: take the tongue, place it on the pussy and lick the shapes of the alphabet, starting with capital letters. This slows the man down instantly. Most times you won't get to lower case,trust me. And you can show your education was useful by licking the shape of Japanese symbols, Greek Alphabet, song lyrics. The possibilities are endless.

2) SHAVE!!! Or at least get past the stubble stage of a beard. Think of it as having rug burns where its the most inconvenient. When I was in the beginning stages of receiving oral I used to not say anything about this, till the blisters began to show up. Not anymore. Grown out facial hair actually ads a new dimention to this, but if you have stubble and rub it raw guys, you aren't getting anything else.

3) WATCH THE FINGERS!! Would someone please explain to me why men feel the need to try to tear you apart with their fingers during oral? Am I alone in thinking this is annoying? If I wanted to be fisted, Ill let you know. A guy might be doing a great job, then they start shoving the fingers too hard, too roughly, too deep, or way to many at a time. I know men must think they are giving us more bang for the buck, but for me, it ends any progress the guy has made. Save it.

These are such simple suggestions that will pay off so much if they are followed. Speaking for myself, as with men being swallowed, you will get a second chance with me if you do it well. Keep this in mind.

Z's Horoscope for this week

This comes courtesy of Freewill astrology: http://www.freewillastrology.com

"CANCER (June 21-July 22): Happy Valentine Daze, Cancerian! As I
meditated on what advice might purify and supercharge your love life,
I got to thinking about a statement attributed to French poet Paul
Valery. "Love is being stupid together," he said. There's an element of truth to
this notion, but it's too corny and degenerate for my tastes. I prefer
to focus on a more interesting and complete truth, which is this: Real
love is being *smart* together. If you weave your destiny together with
another's, he or she should catalyze your sleeping potentials, sharpen
your perceptions, and boost your IQ. Your relationship should be a
crucible in which you deepen your understanding of the way the world
works. If you can't share your love with such a person this week,
don't share your love with anyone."
Yes I'm a Cancer...kinda all makes sense now doesn't it?

Living Vicariously... Amazing Race 6

I would like to congratulate Freddy and Kendra on their win on Amazing Race 6. This is the only reality show I can stomach really. This show doesn't insult the intelligence, and shows how to be a ugly American, or how to avoid it. Every week the past few months I've been able to travel the world with this bunch, living their adventures while trying to find mine closer to home. The real winners are the viewer, since I don't see this university employee hopping on a flight to Ethiopia, Sri Lanka, or China any time soon, as much as I'd be willing to sell my soul to do it. This show satisfies the gypsy in me and I'm non apologetic....

LYRICS ALERT>>>

Beck (Hanson) has been probably the most lyrically diverse and creative musicians on the scene for over 10 years now. To me, it all goes back to 1995 to the first song I heard from him, probably the coolest turns of phrase in lyrics...
-Loser-

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
butane in my veins so i'm out to cut the junkie
with the plastic eyeballs
spray paint the vegetables
dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
kill the headlights and put it in neutral
stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control
baby's in Reno with the vitamin D
got a couple of couches sleep on the love seat
someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain about
a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
don't believe everything that you breathe
you get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
so shave your face with some mace in the dark
savin' all your food stamps and burnin' down the trailer park
(yo cut it)

Soy un perdedor I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(double-barrel buckshot)
Soy un perdedor i'm a loser baby,so why don't you kill me?

Forces of evil in a bozo nightmare
banned all the music with a phony gas chamber
'cuz one's got a weasel and the other's got a flag
one's got on the pole shove the other in a bag
with the rerun shows and the cocaine nose job
the daytime crap with the folksinger slop
he hung himself with a guitar string
slap the turkey neck and it's hangin' on a pigeon wing
you can't write if you can't relate
trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
and my time is a piece of wax
fallin' on a termite who's chokin' on the splinters

Soy un perdedor I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(get crazy with the cheeze whiz)
Soy un perdedor I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(drive-by body pierce)
(yo bring it on down)
soooooooyy....
(I'm a driver I'm a winner things are gonna change I can feel it)

Soy un perdedor I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(I can't believe you)
Soy un perdedor I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
Soy un perdedor I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
[repeat]
(Sprechen sie Deutches, baby)
Soy un perdedor I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(Know what I'm sayin'?)

Valentine's Day Massacre: sexual secret 1

For those who read this regularly, this will not come as a surprise: I am a highly sexual person. And I have reached that certain age where I have figured out a few things sexually. So as a public service for all the little girls under 25 who haven't quite figured men out yet, here is a bit of advice. Men have an inherent weakness: blowjobs. Now anyone with the sense not to scrape teeth can give a moderately decent blowjob. Wanna know the simple key to knock up the skill level a bit? SWALLOW.
Seemingly a simple concept, but you would be amazed at the amount of women who are squeamish about this. WHY? If you can French kiss, you can swallow. Its all body fluids. According to a medical professional I know, as long as there are no open sores in the mouth, stomach acid kills anything swallowed. If women are afraid to swallow, don't be sucking cock in the first place. That being said, there is a way to do it where you taste nothing: just make sure you deep throat at the second of orgasm. The cum goes down the throat, and no taste. I don't need to do this anymore, but it is helpful to beginners.

Ok that's the biology behind it. The benefits? LOL ask a man. So few women even like to give blowjobs that the ones that do stand out. And if you swallow, there are so few women that do that you will never leave a guys subconscious. I did an admittedly informal poll of my guy friends, both intimate and non, about swallowing. At first their answers were that it didn't matter if a woman swallowed. Then I listened further and kept hearing an interesting comment. Most of the men kept saying it didn't matter if the woman "rejected" their cum. Rejected? I pursued this further and found an interesting train of thought. Men tend to take the whole swallowing thing, as they do most things, straight to the ego. Think about it from their point of view. The are looking down watching a woman suck their dick(they ALL watch), they cum, and the chica performing starts spitting semen like its battery acid. I would think this would be a bit disconcerting,if not downright insulting. Definitely a mood breaker. And sadly enough, most men tend to get used to this and not even bother to expect anything else. But if you swallow, it makes the man feel appreciated, cause if we swallow obviously we don't find them, ahem, distasteful. It shows that the woman likes them enough to make the effort. And the actual swallowing mechanism feels damn good so I'm told. Trust me ladies, if you want to make sure you get a second phone call, just swallow. Act like its the most natural thing in the world. This technique pays dividends. It will make you stand out from the crowd and thats the point.

The Superbowl rehash..

There is very little I can say, except the football was great (even if my team lost)and the half time show was sad and pathetic. NFL, this is the 21st. century. I'm not saying that Sir Paul McCartney sucks, but for a halftime show it was just boring as hell. Even though Janet showed us her unnaturally white tit, last years show still is superior to any the last 10 years. Michael Powell is gone from the FCC, maybe we can all grow up and be able to watch a good half time show next year?

Valentine's Day Massacre: Ex's

Would someone please explain the reason that some ex's just cant be gotten rid of? I have one who I have dated off and on for 2 years now. He's dumped me, I've dumped him, and once again he's coming back for more and I'm once again listening to him. I know good and well this relationship is going nowhere. We will never be together in a stable relationship. He is pathologically incapable of fidelity. I would trust him as far as I could throw him. And yet, he's calling again, wanting to see me again even though he wants to get back together with his ex wife. This is entirely sexual, I got over the love part months ago. I'm not the first person to notice the sort of behavior in humans. I've seen plenty of friends, some from different cultures, be off again on again with the same person for YEARS with no good results. One pair of friends actually married, divorced, remarried, then divorced again and just live together now. With their kids. Are we as humans so damn afraid of change that we put up with the same crap for the sake of safety? The multi-married couple say, "Well this person is a nightmare, but they are my nightmare." Huh?
This ex of mine is up for a dire surprise. I have other interests now, new friends and lovers. He's not getting the amount of attention he once got from me, and it is why he's pushing so hard. Sorry Cochise, not this time....

Hmmm you can't say you don't like art history with pics like this....This is a recently restored fresco from Pompeii http://www.spiegel.de/img/0,1020,145783,00.jpg  

Back in the Saddle

LOl Well well well, it seems that ghost hunting pays off I'm other more fruitful ways than pics with orbs. Got a call from my friend Mighty Ghost Hunter..He couldn't sleep; I couldn't sleep. Two non-sleeping people can come up with a plan of action better in the same bed. So, the three week self imposed exile from sex has ended. It helped that MGH has been a loyal friend and bedbuddy for 2 years now. He has talked me through the past three weeks after the attack (see earlier post: Definitions). He's been patient and steady. He's also really hot in bed. Does this mean me and MGH are in love and will play house? Please. We are both happily single and aren't "in love". So my worst fear about this whole thing was unfounded: that Id be too scared to have sex. Back to myself hopefully soon.

Ghosts are afraid of witches

Went ghost hunting with a guy friend tonight as various haunted areas of Lexington, and I came to a conclusion: ghost don't seem to like me. I know that some witches do ghost hunt, my friend in CT is especially gifted. They just are afraid of me. I've done a lot of work with getting rid of ghosts, so they saw me coming and ran like hell. For some of you who aren't familiar with ghost hunting, it goes like this: You go to a haunted site, then take pictures while you talk to them either with a cam carder or digital camera. Then when you replay them you look for orbs, ectoplasm, etc. Basically stuff that shouldn't be there. I've seen some of my friends pics and he gets all sorts of stuff. He's also a born again Christian. We went first to Ashland, Henry Clay's house (www.henryclay.org/) and took pics. Not as many orbs there as when he was alone. Then we got ambitious and climbed the fence into Lexington Cemetery
(http://www.lexcem.org/). All we got were red streaks from the orbs hauling ass in the other direction away from me. They can sense in me the training I have in helping (or making )them cross over. So I will probably be left home next time. It was cool walking in the cemetery though, very Goth...

Valentine's Massacre: Perfect Love Part 1

During my month long rant about love and sex and male/female interaction, I would like to stop and give credit where credit is due. This part is saved for the couples who actually made love look effortless, graceful, and sublime. Some are/were married, some aren't. The only criteria I'm using is quality of the love, not the length of marriage ( my grandparents have been married for almost 58 years with 11 children. They did their best to kill each other the first 45 of those years.). The first in this hall of fame of sorts: Johnny and June Carter Cash.
The Facts:They fell in love on tour in the early 60's. At one point June was the more famous of the two, from her days with the seminal country act The Carter Family. He proposed and the married in 1968. Their only child John Carter was born in 1970. They won Grammys together and apart. Their love was the inspiration for such classics as "Ring of Fire" and "If I were a Carpenter".
Why they are in this hall of fame? These two came together as two forces of nature and combined to form an equally hellacious partnership. They had their own careers, but it never seemed to interfere with the nucleus of who they were. June helped Johnny kick his addictions that plagued him for years. It breaks down to this: The met and married in a whirlwind. The had a rock solid, intense, passionate relationship of 35 years plus. The most important, tragic as well as romantic point: they died within 4 months of each other. They completed each other, and death was not an long obstacle to that fact. Thank you both for your inspiration.

Why record companies are morons...

This just popped up on my MyYahoo page from Weird News from the AP:

" CHARLESTON, W.Va. - Gertrude Walton was recently targeted by the recording industry in a lawsuit that accused her of illegally trading music over the Internet. But Walton died in December after a long illness, and according to her daughter, the 83-year-old hated computers.

More than a month after Walton was buried in Beckley, a group of record companies named her as the sole defendant in a federal lawsuit, claiming she made more than 700 pop, rock and rap songs available for free on the Internet under the screen name "smittenedkitten."

Of course, the poor freaked out daughter of the deceased apparently sent these assholes a death certificate, and they have since dropped the case. I have absolutely no respect for the Big Record Companies. The rip the consumers off by overcharging us for content and not signing less mainstream artists. The rip the artists off by not giving them nearly the profit and artistic integrity they deserve. The big labels are sucking the music industry dry, and then they wonder why we decide to go alternative routes for out tunes. Fuck them. I will stick to my tried and true method for music purchase. First, hear the new bands at The Dame, or on my personal radio station on Launch Cast (Yahoo). If I hear more than three songs from one band from one album I like, I go to Kaaza lite and download songs from the entire album to see if I like it. If the album passes my test ( no more than three songs that I have to FF through)I will go and buy the CD. Then I will erase the songs I took and replace it with songs from the purchased CD. I consider this fair. If there is only one or two songs I like , or the album is particularly rare and hard to find, I keep the downloaded songs till I find the CD. This way I am satisfied, the small record store I buy from stays healthy, and the artists get the money they have earned by me. Until the Big Labels get their heads out of their asses and wise up, I will continue to do this with no shame.

Valentine's Day Massacre: Pondering timing

The earlier strip about men v/s women's approach to sex had to be explored further. Why are men and women so out of synch sexually? Is there some sort of energy transference, and if there is why haven't women turned men into a slave race (some could argue we have)by now? LOL this is my slave race theory: women fuck men's brains out, then as they are recovering we use all that energy for taking over the world.
The missed wavelength during sex is the first problem. I am souped up by sex. I could run a 5k (and have) after a hot night under a guy. My partner didn't wake up till I got back from the race, showered and climbed back into bed. However, I had one lover that would jump up from bed RIGHT AFTER orgasm and run for the shower. This would then have him all energized and talking until I was the one that turned over and slept. So I don't think we are going to link our energy output anytime soon. Some of my thirtysomthing buddies have cured this problem by screwing much younger guys. This has its own host of problems so I haven't gone that rout yet. Thus we just keep having sex and figure it out as we go.

The trouble between the sexes.. 

A scary St. Valentine's threat... 

Want to play post card tag with a really cool guy?

Ben Blackwell is the owner of Cass Records in Detroit (www.cassrecords.com). He's all of about 22-23 years old and probably has seen more in the music industry in 5 years than any of us will in a lifetime. He just started this really cool postcard trade, and wants participants. Besides me, I thought I'd plug it to stir up some more players:

"Trade Postcards:
Ben at Cass Records truly believes in the beauty of the American Postal System. Having used the system his entire life, his main focus at the time is the classic post card. So here's the fun part: write Ben a message/ransom note/marriage proposal on a post card and send it to Cass Records HQ (3424 Bishop, Detroit, MI 48224) and Ben will send you a post card back. It's like a really confusing game of tag! Remember, the cooler, older and weirder the post card, the better. And Ben will most likely reward awesome post cards with even awesomer ones. He even made up special Cass Records stamps for the occasion. And don't be afraid to alter or goof with the images on your post card...in fact, we encourage it. Long live mail art!"

Skewered love quotes

"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian. "

Roger Matthews


"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free Is that sex for money usually costs a lot less!"

Brendan Francis


And here's a fave of mine:


"When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions
May wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
As the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you
so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth
So is he for your pruning."


The Prophet by Gibran Khalil Gibran

All courtesy of http://www.lovequote.com/

THE ST. VALENTINE'S MASSACRE AND MAMMOTH MONTH LONG RANT!!!!

This is a warning to all of you who think Valentines Day is this sweet, warm and fuzzy holiday that you an your honey-bunny can snuggle to and be smoochy-woochy. AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!! Valentines Day has always been the most hated of the holidays for me, with Xmas and New Years scoring a close second and third. There is no other holiday that can make a normal person feel humiliated, small and worthless. Even when I was married, Valentines Day would suck: one of us had to work, we were fighting or traveling or he was sick. Thus, I have taken a sacred oath to use this month in my blog to dissect why we as a human race have to humiliate ourselves with this day, with love in general, and why love is even pertinent in today's world. I also will address different kinds of love: gay, straight, bi, animal, vegetable, and mineral. Sex, which is also so intertwined with love, will also be explored in great length. Basically, this will be my opportunity to bitch to high heaven about shit that stems to not getting any valentines in kindergarten. My first bitch: Social Pressure.
Why the hell is it that single people are treated like shit on Valentines Day? One would think logically this would be the time to help singles out by helping to pair them up. NOOOO, this is a time where subtle humiliation us heaped upon those with no dates or relationships this time of year. How does one feel like when they get no offers for dates, flowers, candy, gifts? Like a worthless subhuman that's ugly, socially inferior, and humiliated. The media and Madison Ave. Advertising are all in on it. The commercials, the shows, all meant to render the single person to dorkdom. Right now, because of fate, circumstance, or happenstance. I am single. Happily. But to this very day when I see the Valentines stuff I feel like crap because I buy into the " Nobody finds me lovable enough to buy me crap, thus I'm not worthy of love". Yes, even though I consider myself fairly savvy, the programming is buried deep. To combat this, I'm including all valentines-related paraphenalia in to the category of our President: I will just start swearing and throwing things at the very sight of such disgust.

I need therapy..

I think since the attack, I have never been offered so much sex. And I'm creeping myself out about what I should do. I have no urge to let anyone into my apartment unless they are the most trusted. The problem was that I was attacked by a trusted (I thought) person. However I still have the same urges, and I cant afford the batteries I'm going though with my rabbit. Will it take one huge leap to get me back into the saddle? Do I want to? Will I freak when the time comes? Hell, will I turn into a bigger nypho (sans anal) than I am? All I know is that I feel ugly, when logically I know I'm not. That might be my period talking more than psyche. I haven't found the cure for the bloodless feeling yet, hopefully that will be next. Tomorrow is Imbolc, so maybe the Goddess will have some answers, or at least hints.

Painting step 2....Stomach Cramps

After I finished the sketching, I began to get the paint and implements of the job out. Had three different shades of red to choose. and I chose Napthol Red Medium acrylic, along with titanium white and black. The red and black I mixed to get a really cool black/purple color for the shading. Normally I paint the dark sections first, then go lighter. The good thing about Oils v/s Acrylics is that acrylics dry faster. The bad thing: lol the acrylics dry faster. I had to be very careful doing the shading not to over shade..If I screwed up I cant just scrape it off like oils. But acrylics are really opaque, so I can cover one color with another with no bleed through. As I was doing this I was assaulted with all of these thoughts of "This sucks". Thus the cramps. Now the bigger decisions occur: how much redder do I want this to be. Do I just take the mixed dark I have and ad white and make the lighter sections purplish, or, do I take a base red and make them redder?..

Painting step 1...Nausea

I took the first step on the new painting. I thought I'd include this for all people who think painting is romantic: HA.This painting is being done on canvas board,with acrylic. This is my first dance with this medium thus the nausea. I took the pic and with a charcoal pencil I did the proportion mark off. I then sketched the outline of various shade ranges, to know where the very darkest shades went, and so on. I would do a few more sketches on my way to and from the kitchen, as my studio is on my kitchen counter. It serves the purpose of making me feel guilty for not working on it, so I do every pass.

Cool Quote

"I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself."
--Anais Nin--
March 25, 1933 from Incest

Two Fisted Admiration

I remember in early November being in line to vote on election day. I was surrounded by college students and professors, and locals who worked for the university. The biggest worry I had, except that Bush would win, was about the piece of art work I was planning and taking my meds on time. Today is a Sunday, and a world away people, men and women, are standing in line to vote in the Iraqi elections. Their worries: if they will live to make it back to their homes, and if they will survive the following weeks from retribution attacks. The very survival of their families hang in the balance. We spoilt Americans cannot comprehend that kind of stake in an election, unless you are black and tried to vote in the south in the 1960's. This may not be a perfect system, but the Iraqi elections are showing democracy at its most vital, where the urge to have a choice overrides the fear of death. This must have been how early Americans felt, when actual participation in a system that beforehand had been denied them was so important that they would risk life and limb, honor and family, to have them. Let me make this clear: I think our President is a complete Idiot Scumfuck who has united the whole world against us. I hate this unnecessary war, its meaning, and its cost. However, I have a tremendous amount of respect for those people in line in Baghdad, Basra, Falluja, and the rest of the nation of Iraq who have the balls to do what 50% of Americans fail to do:VOTE.

And as a reminder to the people of this country, here is the Declaration of Independence in it's entirety:


The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

The signers of the Declaration represented the new states as follows:

New Hampshire
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts
John Hancock, Samual Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut
Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania
Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

This one might be my fave... 

Yes God has a sense of humor.. 

Red Meat is the most subversive comic in the universe..this is one of a series that explain why... 

Wake UP!!!

This week has been pretty grueling. Work sucks on a daily basis. I'm still not ready for the thought of intimate company yet but working on it. An I came to the realization last night as I was stoned out of my gourd that I truly have chosen this life. I chose to let a man in who assaulted me. I choose to get my ass kicked at work because I wont make a reason to leave. Enough passiveness. I want to be a goddamn artist...So I applied to the Savannah College of Art and Design. This is a pretty prestigious art school with one of the best Historic Preservation departments in the country, though I might just say fuck it and try painting. It will be a huge personal challenge. But, as you have all read in the past, I have faced worse. How am I paying for it: don't know. What will I do if not accepted: don't care yet. The very process of trying is invigorating. I've started a painting tonight because I need a portfolio done and don't have enough work to do one. Instead of life happening I'm making it happen. So I'm invigorated. Scared. Thrilled.

Definitions

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary has this entry for this word:

Main Entry:3 rape
Function: noun
1 : an act or instance of robbing or despoiling or carrying away a person by force
2 : unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent.

Main Entry: acquaintance rape
Function: noun
1: rape committed by someone known to the victim


I am always wondering how words pertain to, and define us as humans and individual souls. The English Language has over 100,000 words so I'm told, and a word for every thing and experience. My dilemma is that cannot discern if the above words pertain to or define what I have experienced. And if they do, how do I keep it from defining me?
Someone who I have had an off and on relationship for two years came over on Sunday. I had not talked to this individual in several months, and out of the blue he calls. He's leaving the train wreck he was living with, and had got his ex-wife to take him back. I was happy for him. First call was at noon, second call at 3:30. He wants to come over. I had a late xmas gift for him. So he comes over. We lay there watching football, I rub his back since he had worked that morning. We begin to kiss and touch. He whispers something in my ear about not doing something to me before. I'm half undressed, and he flipped me over. Then he tried to start anal sex, which he knows I don't like (mainly because of him in the first place). I tell him no, not interested. He does it anyway...

I really don't know how long this took, sort of blurry. I remember being flipped over after it seemed like 15 minutes of hard anal, legs up, him inside me the normal way a few strokes, then him pulling out and cumming on my belly. He kissed me, got up to go wash. I just laid there. He brought me a clean towel to clean up with and all I could think about was not wanting to ruin the towel for some reason. I told him no, I would go shower. And I did get up and walked to the bathroom. I was very shaky. I showered. I went back to the bed he was flipping channels. He laid beside me for about a half hour, and we talked. I remember talking, but not what I said. I even laughed I think. Then I walked him to the door. He kissed me goodbye, and left. I do remember he kept asking me if I was ok. And I kept saying yes I was. I was numb.

I've been numb all week. My boss gave me hell today, and I normally cry. I just was a blank. I donated blood. I worked out Monday and Tuesday even though I was so very very sore. I've told only three friends about this, two guys and a girl. The word rape came up all three times. And yet, I cant call it that. Why not? I was held down, I said no and kept saying no. He didn't stop. I keep using the word forced. I will not press charges. I have a submissive nature. Does my mind think I wanted it? Do I think that the word rape conjures up stalking and raping in back corners? Or do I know deep in my heart that if I acknowledge this word that I will freak? I'm already the posterchild for burned out depression. I know that unless I scraped the cum off and saved it I still couldn't prove it since I didn't fight or scream or call the cops right after. It would make life at a difficult job impossible. And then it comes down to being defined: "rape VICTIM" I get riled by that. I am no victim. I simply think I do not want to be defined by this so I'm numbing up. Will be interesting to see what happens If I do start feeling.

How close I came to Guessing Right: Oscars

Well I'm just now getting a chance to look at the Oscar nominations, and damn, I didn't do too bad. Here are the surprises in each category:

Best Picture:
I got 4 out of 5. The surprise was Finding Neverland, I chose Kinsey. The big no brainer was that Fahrenheight 911 and Passion of the Christ got nil. Oscar simply doesn't like controversy ever since Color Purple.

Best Director:
3 out of 5. The surprises were Taylor Hackford for Ray and Mike Leigh for Vera Drake. I picked Marc Forrester and Mike Nichols.

Best Actor:
Once again 3 out of 5. The surprises were Clint Eastwood, Don Cheadle was an outside pic. I would like to voice a big bitch right now: Paul Giamatti did not get a nomination for Sideways. This was a robbery, since he had one of the most touching and funny performances of the year.

Best Actress:

4 out of 5 baby. The surprise: Catalina Sandino Moreno for Maria Full of Grace, and deservedly so. It was a tough performance, and heartbreaking.

Best Supporting Actor:

4 out of 5. The surprise: Alan Alda for the Aviator. I love him an am pleased. If Thomas Hayden Church hadn't been nominated Id be rooting for him.

Best Supporting Actress:

4 out of 5 again. The surprise: Sophie Okonedo of Hotel Rwanda. This movie will be coming to the Kentucky Theatre in the next month, and it should live up to its hype.

The big shocker for me was Foreign Film. The Motorcycle Diaries, nor A very Long Engagement, got nominations. The did get nominations in the technical categories, as did Passion of the Christ.

So, its looking like The Aviator is the favorite with 11 nominations. I expect several surprises.

Life deficiency

I've been told that severe anemia feels like all the blood has drained out of the body. I think instead of iron deficiency, I'm having a life deficiency. All the joy I have feels like its been sucked away. The cold weather, along with the fibromyalgia and work just has drained me. I haven't been this weary in along time. Seems I have reached a reconciliation with Dan, for now, and friendship is as far as it goes. I have reached the stage where I really don't care if I leave the apartment on weekends. Pathetic. On a high note, there is a huge party next weekend and I have a honest to goddess date on Thursday. Maybe one more week will get by without me killing someone.

Poetry alert

pictures of Spain
the gentlest of throbbings
My Dearest…
finger pressing, gently
now the throbbing
delicately flushed
the leaves and photographs
of Spain; the most delicate
of throbbings; the rarest
of petals and a solitary
pearl; My Dearest…
these pictures of Spain
herein enclosed; the slightest
warmth; hands and fingers
alone; gently and with
great tenderness; My Dearest…
this most pleasant of throbbings.
And pictures of Spain.

-Scott Banville 2005-

Cool Quote

"my night train sippin', cult flippin', white punk jumpin', rum runnin', bathtub thumpin' approach to music could only be cool and nothing else really dog."
Jack White

Another Golden Globes and Oscar Race.

Well another Golden Globes has passed by. I was pleasantly surprised at the variety of winners this year.It looks like its setting up to be an exciting Oscars this year. The movies coming out on top look like Ray, Closer, The Aviator, Million Dollar Baby, and Sideways. Acting nominations will go out easily to Hillary Swank and Jamie Foxx, both winners. Also Leo Decaprio and Annette Bening. I was hoping that The Motorcycle Diaries would have won, but they will be nominated at the Oscars. Its funny that I pay attention so much to this. The Globes are the biggest indicator for Oscar time. My possible list of nominations for Oscar Time.....
Best Movie:
The Aviator
Sideways
Million Dollar Baby
Kinsey
Ray
outside shots:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Closer

Director:
Martin Scorsese
Clint Eastwood
Alexander Payne
Marc Forrester
Mike Nichols
outside shots: possibly Quentin Tarantino

Best Actor:
Leo Decaprio
Paul Giamatti
Liam Neeson
Johnny Dep
Jamie Foxx
outside shots: Don Cheadle, Jim Carrey, Jude Law

Best Actress:
Anette Bening
Hillary Swank
Imelda Staunton
Kate Winslet
Nicole Kidman
outside shots: Uma Thurman, Emmy Rossum (GOD I hope not Renee Zelleweger!!)
and Julia Roberts

Best Supporting Actor:
Thomas Hayden Church
Morgan Freeman
Clive Owen
Jamie Foxx
David Carradine

Best Supporting Actress:
Virginia Madsen
Cate Blanchet
Laura Linney
Natalie Portman
Merryl Streep

Those are my guesses. January 25 the nominations come out and I will see how good I am at this lol.

LYRICS ALERT!!

How
-Lisa Loeb, Firecracker, 1997-

I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me.
and now you want to ask me “how”?
It’s like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?

Why did you come here?
You weren't invited.
You were on the outside - Stay on the outside.
And now you want to ask me “why”?
It's like - why does your heart beat, and how do you cry?
How does your heart beat?

And there are some things that I like to figure out.
There are some things that I can do without -
like you, and your letters that go on forever,
And you, and the people that were never friends.

With all the things that you could be,
you never could learn how to be me.
And now you want to ask me “how”?.
It’s like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?

Random acts of kindness

I just now got an instant message from someone locally who reads Ponderings. He said, " it's poetry. In so many ways. And emotionally, so incredibly intense, it feels it could scorch a person." I felt a wave of..I don't know. Flattery? Fear? Shame and guilt and pride? Humble and bewildered is a good way to describe it. Holy hell, people actually read this and get something from it? From me and my crazy life and ideas? Since I consider the written word to be the closest path into a persons mind, it is a bit ironic that someone else likes and appreciates my thoughts. It reminds me I make myself vunerable by writing. That's the point. I am a recluse by nature and astrology (Cancer with moon in Aquarius). This is my way to let people in without physical danger. But which is more dangerous? Someone in your physical space, or mental? Somewhere I read that one word, like a pebble thrown in a body of water, reverberates outward and you never know where,or what, the ripples or word will touch. This week has been a tough one, mentally an physically. So thank you, all who have written and IMed me that like and appreciate my blog. You have made me put into perspective everything around me, and feel better about my world. Thank you.

A pain meds rant.....

Ok, being the dumbass that I am, I ran for the first time today after being off almost 2 weeks. Guess what? I FELL!! So now my whole right side is sore. So now I'm on some pretty good meds, ands I'm going to ramble for awhile on any goddamn subject I chose. Might be yearning is the subject of tonight's rant.

I am yearning for a certain man. A very very specific one. A man who is full of magic and energy and innocence. One who loves with every pore and cell he has. Passion as deep and wide and fathomless as the sea. He opens his mouth and poetry and jazz pours forth. This man is in my very deepest soul. I can taste him in my mouth and smell him on my clothes. I feel his skin holding mine. I read his words and cry and rejoice. I strain to hear his voice on every memory of sound. I ache for another soul I will never have. My days are empty wasting away living in my dreams. My life in my mind with him are the only true things that make my life bearable. This man would never notice me on the street, he would pass me by. I run and work out thinking some day he may see me and I want him to see the best I am. Songs pour forth, cause someday me may hear me an be touched. I want to write epics so one day he might read and he may be healed. Art worthy of the ages I want to paint so one day he might absorb them and be transformed, or transfixed. I want so much to scream through the ether "I AM HERE!!!FIND ME!!!" Please find me.....There are so many of us yearning, for impossible ethereal things. That can be solved by one look, or sigh, one caress on the cheek.....

Altered lyrics alert

Its no big secret that I LOVE old blues. I also appreciate bands that revive it. That being said, The White Stripes version of "Death Letter" kicks ass. They even did a partial version at last years Grammy's. I finally got to hear Son House's version, and man Jack left out a lot of lyrics. Here in their entirety, is the Son House version of "Death Letter", with my own notations on what was left out...


"We were always singing in the fields. Not real singing, you know, just hollerin', but we made up our songs about things that was happening to us at the time, and I think that's where the Blues started."

-- Son House --

All lyrics on this site are for private study, scholarship, or research purposes only. Read the copyright notice before printing/copying anything from this page.


Death Letter

by Eddie James "Son" House, Jr.
recording of 19 {?}
from , copyright notice

I got a letter this mornin, how do you reckon it read?
It said, "Hurry, hurry, yeah, your love is dead"
I got a letter this mornin, I say how do you reckon it read?
You know, it said, "Hurry, hurry, how come the gal you love is dead?"

So, I grabbed up my suitcase, and took off down the road
When I got there she was layin on a coolin' board
I grabbed up my suitcase, and I said and I took off down the road
I said, but when I got there she was already layin on a coolin' board

Well, I walked up right close, looked down in her face
Said, the good ol' gal got to lay here 'til the Judgment Day {not in WS version}
I walked up right close, and I said I looked down in her face
I said the good ol' gal, she got to lay here 'til the Judgment Day

Looked like there was 10,000 people standin' round the buryin' ground
I didn't know I loved her 'til they laid her down
Looked like 10,000 were standin' round the buryin' ground
You know I didn't know I loved her 'til they damn laid her down

Lord, have mercy on my wicked soul
I wouldn't mistreat you baby, for my weight in gold {not in WS version}
I said, Lord, have mercy on my wicked soul
You know I wouldn't mistreat nobody, baby, not for my weight in gold

Well, I folded up my arms and I slowly walked away
I said, "Farewell honey, I'll see you on Judgment Day" {not in WS version}
Ah, yeah, oh, yes, I slowly walked away
I said, "Farewell, farewell, I'll see you on the Judgment Day"

You know I went in my room, I bowed down to pray
The blues came along and drove my spirit away {not in WS version}
I went in my room, I said I bowed down to pray
I said the blues came along and drove my spirit away

You know I didn't feel so bad, 'til the good ol' sun went down
I didn't have a soul to throw my arms around
I didn't feel so bad, 'til the good ol' sun went down
You know, I didn't have nobody to throw my arms around

I loved you baby, like I love myself
You don't have me, you won't have nobody else {not in WS version}
I loved you baby, better than I did myself
I said now if you don't have me, I didn't want you to have nobody else

You know, it's hard to love someone that don't love you
Ain't no satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do
Yeah, it's hard to love someone that don't love you
You know it don't look like satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do

Got up this mornin', just about the break of day
A-huggin' the pillow where she used to lay
Got up this mornin', just about the break of day
A-huggin' the pillow where my good gal used to lay

Got up this mornin', feelin' round for my shoes
You know, I must-a had them old walkin' blues {not in WS version}
Got up this mornin', feelin' round for my shoes
Yeah, you know bout that, I must-a had them old walkin' blues

You know, I cried last night and all the night before
Gotta change my way a livin', so I don't have to cry no more {not in WS version}
You know, I cried last night and all the night before
Gotta change my way a livin', you see, so I don't have to cry no more

Ah, hush, thought I heard her call my name
If it wasn't so loud and so nice and plain {not in WS version}
Ah, yeah
Mmmmmm

Well, listen, whatever you do
This is one thing, honey, I tried to get along with you {not in WS version}
Yes, no tellin' what you do
I done everything I could, just to try and get along with you

Well, the minutes seemed like hours, hours they seemed like days
It seemed like my good, old gal outta done stopped her low-down ways {not in WS version}
Minutes seemed like hours, hours they seemed like days
Seems like my good, old gal outta done stopped her low-down ways

You know, love's a hard ol' fall, make you do things you don't wanna do
Love sometimes leaves you feeling sad and blue {not in WS version}
You know, love's a hard ol' fall, make you do things you don't wanna do
Love sometimes make you feel sad and blue

--------

Now I am aware of two things: 1) The White Stripes are known for their short running songs, and 2) this song is friggin long in its original state. TWS also shortened Blind Willie McTell's "Your Southern Can is Mine". But I hope that once in their careers Jack and Meg can do full versions of some of the old Blues classics they have covered. They could do them so much more justice.

Time Game

My friend Clint just had a nifty thing on his blog. Start at 25 years ago and go by five on where you were when...
25 Years Ago:
I believe I was in Centralia IL. We lived on a farm, and my dad I think was working in the coal mines there.I was in second grade. I remember the landscape the best, very flat, very cold.

20 years ago:
I was in Inez KY. My parents had been divorced for years. We lived with my grandparents and extended family who ignored the fact I was depressed, and just heaped emotional abuse on me my sister did not get. That was the year I tried to commit suicide 3 times. Eventually I just isolated myself from all people and stayed save in my little cancer shell. Most memories were surrounded by crushes, and a very bleak grey landscape, with mountains. The saving grace was Frank Baldridge, the academic team coach that saw more than what everyone else saw and expected more. Feeling a bit of worth saved me.

15 Years ago:
I was at Marshall University, Huntington WV. I was in the midst of my first real love, Shawn Gainer. Tall and skinny ( my first run in with skinny white boy syndrome) he was the tortured artist type who smoked and drank too much. He was also a year younger. I was once again depressed, but trying to fight it. I couldn't concentrate on classes to all my focus was on him. It was also the first time I encountered witchcraft. Later that year, I would go through my first spectacular breakup, hospitalizing and last suicide attempt. And the only thing that saved me was Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler. It was the first time in my life I felt I wasn't all alone.

10 years ago:
I was an undergrad at University of Kentucky. I was doing Society for Creative Anachronisms almost all my spare time. The depression was there but I was in the midst of trying all the drugs I could to control it. That Feburary at a SCA event in Cincinnati, OH I met my friend's dad John. He was really nice and helped me climb stairs in the big dress I was wearing. That May John would move to Lexington to stay with his son for only two weeks, he said. That September we were married.

5 Years Ago:
We were living in Portland, OR. John was working at Shriners Hospital and I was at the Oregon Zoo. We were both getting a case of wanderlust again so we applied to work at Grand Teton National park and were hired. We moved that May. John was weak that whole summer and had a lot of accidents because he was tired and dizzy. We moved again at the end of the season to Key West FL. We had 2 normal weeks, then John started getting weaker. He was diagnosed as having Leukemia after waking up with blue legs, then finding his body wasn't making blood. I descended into a hell of cargiving and stress and worry, and ballooned to 300lbs.

1 Year ago:
I was working at UK telephone operations. I was bored and trying to get another job, and did at the grad school. I was finishing up a very educational relationship with a dom. I was also empowered by that relationship to start to exercise, and began to run. Dan also started calling again, then wanting to get romantic but not date.LOL

Now:
I'm still living in Lexington. Still at the grad school. I've met someone but of course its complicated. I'm running and weight training, but have the flu. I cant afford to take classes or much of anything. I'm hoping the new friend might have ideas to change that.

Lyrics Alert!!!!

Changes in latitudes, Changes in attitudes
1978 Jimmy Buffett



I took off for a weekend last month
Just to try and recall the whole year.
All of the faces and all of the places,
wonderin' where they all disappeared.
I didn't ponder the question too long;
I was hungry and went out for a bite.
Ran into a chum with a bottle of rum,
and we wound up drinkin' all night.

It's those changes in latitudes,
changes in attitudes nothing remains quite the same.
With all of our running and all of our cunning,
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.

[Chorus:]
These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes,
Nothing remains quite the same.
Through all of the islands and all of the highlands,
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

Reading departure signs in some big airport
Reminds me of the places I've been.
Visions of good times that brought so much pleasure
Makes me want to go back again.
If it suddenly ended tomorrow,
I could somehow adjust to the fall.
Good times and riches and son of a bitches,
I've seen more than I can recall

[Chorus]

I think about Paris when I'm high on red wine,
I wish I could jump on a plane.
And so many nights I just dream of the ocean.
God, I wish I was sailin' again.
Oh, yesterdays are over my shoulder,
So I can't look back for too long.
There's just too much to see waiting in front of me,
and I know that I just can't go wrong
with these...

[Chorus]

Ok some thoughts about a lifestyle correction.

I had a surreal New Years party. It was one of the swing parties I go to, and I was a hostess being the social butterfly. Got really drunk really fast and stoned by ball dropping time. I found out that apparently the new social etiquette for "Wanna Fuck" is a buck ass naked guy standing over you rattling a condom wrapper. And for the upteenth time at one of these parties, no orgasm. Oh don't misunderstand, there was a lot of pleasure, but I just couldn't cum. Then, after having a huge orgasm at home with the new sex toy, I actually took time to ponder something a friend asked me that I had no answer for at the time, "which is better, BDSM or Swinging?" Both supplied for me outlets to my sexual curiosity. Both have been huge learning experiences about myself. So I asked the friend to clarify the question, and he meant, quite literally, which produced the most orgasms. That was an easy answer, BDSM. But the answer did leave me wondering why. And after analyzing, I came up with an answer of my own: Intimacy.

In BDSM, you absolutely must have a partner you trust implicitly. If you don't know someone, you really shouldn't let them hog tie you to the bed. You must trust them to respect your limits, or gently push them. The Dom ( or Domme if she's female) and the sub have to dance an exquisitely intricate dance to get it right. Oh, but when you do the results are incredible. I learned more about my sexuality in the 4 months I had a dom than I had the past years of my life. I realized how free you can be if you just let go. Letting go frees you from the absolute shit and stress you have, because for that little while, you do not have to make a decision, or think. You do what you are told.

Now swinging has taught me lessons about myself as well. It has freed me of a great deal of my body issues. If you are on a bed with 7 other naked people, all body types are represented. No reason for shyness. It also taught me a lot about some marriages. It is a bit strange having sex with a married guy with his wife either watching or having sex with someone else nearby. However it is cool to watch a married couple make love to each other, cause you can see the level of intimacy that the years have built. They know where each sweet spot is on their bodies, where to touch and not. We had a strip contest at the party and no one stripped by themselves; they all striped as couples. Its easy to do if someone you know that well is up there with you. I stripped as well (going back to the body issue thing) with Mr. Cool, and it was fun but awkward cause we didn't know the way to move with each other. The married couples certainly did.

Both BDSM and Swinging have their bad spots. I didn't particularly enjoy the humiliation part of BDSM, since I had too many years of therapy to belittle myself for someone else. The pain aspect wasn't fun at times either. With swinging, you normally end up with a partner who has no idea what you like, or how to touch. Its like the first time with a boyfriend ALL the time. I wont lie-I had two partners on New Years. Both passionate, both fairly good. One was a different race, a first for me. But they both liked fingering, which I don't and had to remind them of a few times ( it hurts unless done properly, which it rarely is, but that's a personal preference) but I didn't seem to get through. I woke up that morning after 2 hrs of sleep with a hangover, which is usual. What wasn't was the overwhelming emptiness I felt inside. I wanted to chalk it up to several factors: the hangover, stuff going on with Mr. Cool, and the fact I loath New Years Day worse than Christmas but not as much as Valentines Day. I was PMSing and worried about shit going on existentially. But I boiled it down to the fact that as all things that catch my interest sexually usually run their course. And maybe Swinging has too.

Intimacy is not something I've had in many a moon. There is just something about having one person that shares individual sexual experiences with you than no one else knows about. Its like a secret you share and the world has to but out. I have two bed buddy relationships I have this with to a degree. I don't see either of them regularly. Once a month for each, and I do things with each that I do with no one else. These are the only lovers I have allowed into my private batcave ( apartment) in months. Each one I am a different kind of lover with. The problem is that I don't see either regularly enough to build the degree of intimacy I think I am starting to need. So this might be another new years thing to add to the list: find more consistent lover, one that doesn't smother but I see more often. As for swinging, I might go to one more party, maybe two to confirm my decision that I'm over it. Who knows.....

Well it's 2005 Happy F...ing New Year

I survived another calendar year. I re-united with Dan, then dumped his ass. I changed jobs for what I thought was the better, then learned differently. I fell in love all over again with art and writing. I really hope the next calendar year is less stressful and more financially secure. I want to live and not simply exist..that probably will be the overall plan.

Innocence Lost

I finally caught the episode of 100 Greatest Metal moments, 20-1. There was a website mentioned, Metal Sludge ( www.metal-sludge.com ) a place where groupies have the last laugh by ranking the quality, and yes quantity, of various rock stars from the 80's and 90's. Mostly hair bands from the golden age of groupiedom was mentioned, the 1980's. I should have known better. I should have left well enough alone with my adolescent sexual fantasy, but this was like a car crash that begs to be rubbernecked at. Now in the early 90's I did a bit of backstage stuff. never fucked anyone, just smoked their dope. A few of these tidbits were no great surprise...some blew my mind. The dick chart was a revelation to say the least. Groupies give the lowdown, good bad and laughable. The fact that Tommy Lee sets the standard for length and girth is not a newsflash. The man can steer a boat with no hands. However, some who can either compare to him, or fail to measure up, surprised me. For example, and I quote;" Glenn Danzig / Danzig, The bottom line is his cock is just like him, short." ARGHHH I love him, and really didn't want to know that...too late! Another of my 80's faves Don Dokken, fared better:"Don has a good looking, nice sized dick and could go ALL night long. He will make sure you get off and is willing to do whatever it takes for it to happen. However, he will treat you as a prize the next morning and show you to the roadies like the catch of the day. Can be kind of crude that way!" A few current popular guys were mentioned, Like Fred Durst of Limp Biskit, supposedly a notorious ladies man in the press:"Fred is an average joe, or should I say an average Fred. Nothing too big but nothing too small. He loves to eat pussy and loves to get oral in return. He's a little on the kinky side and he really loves the freaky girls. Tries to use the press to get date and frequently comes off like a creepy stalker." A few of these reviews reconfirmed my liking of some rockers that my friends made fun of me for, Flea of Red Hot Chili Peppers:"Flea may seem the scruffy second choice to Anthony, but he's very attractive and intense in one hard compact package. He is highly intelligent, sensitive, a great writer and has a beautiful, extremely rock hard cock of well proportioned length and width. Can stay rock hard for a while. Incredibly intense building and fluidity." HA, my taste in rock stars has been reinforced by the pros! LMAO. Anyway to be fair, actual endowment isn't the only thing mentioned. These ladies also mention who are creeps and who are the really really hot ones that are nice and treat groupies like humans. If you are like me, in your early 30's and have an urge to flirt vicariously with your sexual fantasies from teenhood, this is the site for you.

Poetry alert!!!

AFTER LOVE
-Maxine Kumin-

Afterwards, the compromise.
Bodies resume their boundaries.

These legs, for instance mine.
Your arms take you back in.

Spoons of our fingers, lips
admit their ownership.

The bedding yawns, a door
blows aimlessly ajar

and overhead, a plane
singsongs coming down.

Nothing has changed, except
there was a moment when

the wolf, the mongering wolf
who stands outside the self

lay lightly down, and slept."

Swept Away..

You are sitting in your home close to the shore. Your family makes its living by the sea, for generations. You could be cooking, taking care of children. You could be preparing to work in one of the resorts. It is early. There might be several generations living in this house with you, grandparents, parents, children. The sound begins like a hissing, you think it is just a car or the wind. It then begins to sound like a growl, then a rumble. Then a roar..As your world explodes around you. A wall of water hits your fragile home. You get tumbled into debris and are hitting things as you are flung inland. You're in darkness till your head clears water. You don't recognize where you are. Wood, steel, and the remains of many homes float around you. You are being pummeled by what is floating around you. A hand floats amongst the wreckage, you grab it to realize it is a family member. You try to hang on but the surging water tears it away. You grab onto a tree as the water recedes back to the shore. Pulling as hard as you can, you manage to pull yourself onto some branches, out of the danger. For the first time you see, truly see what has happened. Houses, places that have always been there your whole life-gone. Wreckage, piled on top of each other, scattered around you. Then you start to see what else lies in the debris: bodies. Hundreds it seems, so many tangled arms and limbs and torsos. Faces can sometimes be seen, most are battered and cut.
You recognize some, none are family that you can tell. You find it hard to breathe. There is pain all over. Ribs and limbs probably are broken. But you are alive, and in the following days you wish you were not.
The day after the bodies start to pile up. It is hot, and the smell begins. There is no electricity, food or fresh water. Corpses float on shore like seaweed, and will do so for weeks. There is always the fear of another great wave with every tide. You work to help carry the bodies, hoping to find your family. You might find one, the rest may never be found. The survivors start to get sick from the lack of clean water, and from the rot of bodies. The government is overwhelmed. It is a poor place you live. All you can think about is survival, and the essential questions. Why you? Why them? Now what?

I survived another one...

I just got back from the backwoods from anonther xmas in Martin County. It will go down as another reminder whyI left in the first place. One uncle's current girlfriend was fighting with the ex, including a fight with pistol whipping. My grandfather still is a cranky old fart. More details to come.....

my fave Xmas song

Santa Baby
written by J. Javits and P. Springer

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me
I've been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue
I'll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be oh so good

If you'd check off my Christmas list Boo doo bee doo
Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that'sNot a lot
I've been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks
Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean a phone
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight

Not yet the end of the story...

An open letter to Clint...
We've had a short, but eventful friendship. You were there at the beginning of my Blog Journey, then only person I know who reads it occasionally. You inspired me to write, and write better. We only got to meet twice: once at Lynaughs, when I was fighting a migrane, and Ramsey's, when I was fighting off a cold. It never seemed to put you off that I was a witch, or poly, or just a plain freak. I enjoyed the fact you treated me as an intellectual equal even though I know I am a flake lol. The biggest thing I admire you for is being to deal with your depression and follow your hearts desire. And for you to pack up and go from frigid Lexington to insanely cold Chicago for that heart's desire proves you have a depth of courage I will probably never find, but am inspired to try. I wish you and Robin every happiness imaginable to humans, and don't forget your buddies you left behind here. Blessed be to you.
Affectionately,
zezrie.

Religion and sex are strange bedfellows....

Spent time with Mr. Cool this weekend. This man is a devout Christian, I am an equally devout witch. We were talking possibilities as all couples do, an he stated he could not marry outside his faith. Ok, I thought, I can respect that, I really don't have an urge to marry. Nor would I force my faith on another as a requirement to have a relationship with me. Now, here's the kicker: he said since we could not marry we could just shack up and have babies....
The riddle is: does this or does this not go against everything Baptists believe? He would rather live in sin and have kids out of wedlock than do the common sense thing and just get married first? The of course it dawns on me that like many fellow Christians ( not all, but many), he bends the rules that he thinks others should follow. All Humanity does this, to assuage guilt instead of just taking the step of being true to ones' self despite what archaic, unrealistic religious laws dictate. So I sighed inwardly, smiled at him outwardly, and just said maybe.....

A shocking announcement

This is an announcement for all those well meaning couples who want me to be part of a poly triad with them: I am not Bi. At one point I tried to talk myself into being at least curious, but that too has diminished. Women just don't turn me on. Now, if a woman wants to go down on me, fine, I will close my eyes and pretend its Russell Crowe. As for me doing the eating, this is an idea I just cant wrap my mind ( or tongue) around. I want to be part of triad, but with two men, not a couple. I just don't seem to relate well to other women. I don't understand the need to fight over men. I've recently seen a woman try to compete with me over a guy. She was catty, vindictive, petty, and just plain nasty. I walked away from both of them, woman and guy. I have enough drama in my life from the daily ins and outs, I don't need it over a guy. There are 5.2 BILLION humans on this planet, half are men. Now granted I wont be attracted to all of them, but there are enough around for there to be no need to fight. I just don't like to compete. If I live with two guys, hey there's a spare. Do I get jealous? Sure I do, but that has more to do with my own insecurities than worrying about the guy leaving. This happened with Dan this summer. I got tired of being put second for another woman, so I left him to her. It might be psychological: I will not compete with anyone over something that is not worth fighting over. If a guy wants me, he knows where I am. He wants another, fine go be with her.
Maybe that's why men like me. I don't give them a hard time over silly stuff. I don't smother. Rather, I like my space, and its a rare man who wants to smother back. I let them do their own thing. Like I said if they want to be with me, they know where I am. I'm not offended easily. I am moody, and some men are freaky about that, its why I live alone. So, I wont be part of a FFM triangle anytime soon. Just thought I'd let you know

The freakiest movie I've seen all year...And I watch strange movies...

Here is an admission I have never made here but friends and people who have actually slept with me know this as truth: I am an insomniac. I don't fall asleep easily, and I wake up 15 times a night. So I know what it feels like to go without proper sleep. That being said, I hadn't meant to go to the Kentucky Theatre last night to see a movie, but went anyway to take a chance on a movie I had heard nothing about. I'm glad and creeped out I did.
The Machinist ( http://www.machinistmovie.com/index2.asp ) shows just ho far into the depths of hell a human being can go with no sleep. Christian Bale, also excellent in American Psycho , is astonishing as Trevor Resnik, a machinist who has not slept in over a YEAR. He has no idea why and his life us unraveling at an accelerated place. He starts to see things all around him, his apartment, his work, and at his hooker girlfriend's place (played by a very appealing and not looking her age Jennifer Jason Leigh). His paranoia is rampant, and forgets simple things, like paying bills. He starts to see a guy named Ivan, a sort of evil shadow with no fingers, who supposedly works with him on third shift. It is as he's starting at this supposed person that a coworker gets his hand caught in a cutting bench because if his distraction. At the same time he starts to date a waitress with a little boy who gets sick in his company at an amusement park. The note he leaves to himself start to change, with a hang man on a post-it that changes every time he sees it. The most horrible part of Trevor's life is his appearance: his plummeting weight, showing the physical deterioration of no sleep. I have often heard the the phrase of looking like Hell before breakfast, but this guy is emaciated, Holocaust style. What Rene Zellweger did for actors gaining weight for a part, Christian Bale should do for extreme weight loss.
The movie quickly shows Trevor's speeding descent into hell. Directed by Brad Anderson (Happy Accidents) and written by Scot Kozar, the movie drags us along on the ride. Everything is set in greys. The cinematography is set so that the viewer feels as lost as Trevor does. He chases Ivan in a red sports car, and when he goes to the cops with the plate number, they tell him its his car. He starts to see either Ivan or pieces of his clothing everywhere, making him turn on everyone. Trevor even cut Ivan's throat in one scene, and when he tries to dump the body, the body rolls out of the carpet its placed in, but there is no body there literally. Scot Kozar is the writer also responsible for Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror, so he knows how to literally creep the viewer out. But the end of the movie I was creeping in my own skin, an as exhausted as Trevor was. This movie is not easy to watch, but satisfying.

What zezrie wants for Yuletide if she had wealthy clientele..

A fellow blogging friend of mine was recently bitching on his blog about other bloggers putting useless lists on theirs (you know who you are !). Thus, to annoy him further, I am putting a list on mine. If I were a high class callgirl, these are the 10 things Id want for Yuletide., in no order. Hell for that matter, and generous fan of the blog can give me these too, I'm not proud.

The house on the corner of High and Rose.
A baby blue Ipod
An Ibook to go with the Ipod.
A house in Key West
A fully stocked studio
All expenses paid opportunity to finish my education
A years supply of Nike Shox TLs ( three pairs)
Unlimited spa visits for a year
Plastic surgery
Trip around the world..

And the 11th, peace on earth and goodwill toward all..but won't be getting that either.

Worshipping at the altar of psychobilly...

0n Friday night the heavens of rock and roll opened and The Rev. Horton Heat descended on The Dame. The good Rev. Has been a mainstay of my music collection since the early 90's. I didn't get to see him this past Feb. Because of the flu. This time I was nursing a hip injury from running ( actually a repeat of a injury from summer), but was determined to go if I had to crawl..And just about did. I held up the side of the bar right where the bands go backstage..Best place in the Dame.
Split Lip Rayfield started the night, a hot rockabilly trio from Kansas City. The hurled rockabilly bluegrass at us for a sold hour with no let up. The standing bass player's instrument was made out of what appearing to me as an old car radiator with a two strings attached..But he wailed on it. There was a couple in front of me, very involved with their music who swayed and jumped the whole set-it was fun to watch. Split Lip Rayfield will be back to the Dame, and I shall be there.
The Rev. came out about 11:30, by the time my hip started screaming. This was the very first time I had seen The Dame sold completely out. There were about 500 people there, conservatively. The music started, and crowd started moving in unison. Beer was flying through the air and no one cared at that point. Horton was dressed like Porter Wagner on acid-dayglow green with purple flames. Jimbo Wallace was on upright bass and Scott Churilla was on drums, dressed in black mechanic shirts. And as usual, all three leveled the building. They played old faves like Wiggle Stick, Big Blue Car, and Low Flying Plane. They did a takeoff on the instrumental Tequila called Marijuana and the crowd went nuts. The band covered swing, punkabilly, and country seamlessly from one song to the next. My only real disappointment was that Rev. Didn't do Sermon on the Jimbo at the end, but did do Psycobilly Freakout for the encore. I left the concert in a great deal of pain and covered in beer, but otherwise musically satisfied.

Biological clocks suck.

Lexington has a water problem, and it has nothing to do with ownership of the company. Today at the KY Clinic, as far as the eye could see, were babies. I'm not talking about annoying toddlers....But dozens of babies under the age of one, like I love them. Thus my conclusion was that pregnancy was in the water sometime last Feb, and somehow I didn't drink. The biological clock fired up, starting at a soft wrist watch tick to a screaming Big Ben Level blast. It drives me nuts too. At this particular place in time, there is not a man in my life I would even contemplate having a child with. Yet, there all the babies were perfect and sweet and loving. I am fully aware I cant even take care of myself properly, let alone another life. The yearning is still there...
For some crazed reason, I want to have a child the old fashioned way--with a husband. I grew up with a single mother, and saw how hard it was on her everyday to keep us afloat. And we were brats that didn't make it easier. I want to go through the experience of getting pregnant with a man who adores me, who wants a child as badly as I do. I want a child that is the reflection of love two people have with each other. This man has to be as excited with every step of the process. Now I know that it is possible that this might happen. Whether this is probable I rather much doubt. I'm 33, and yes I know there are stupid women popping out babies at 57. Not this girl. I wont have a child after 40. So that leaves me 7 years. Yes its possible.....
I will say this: I wont feel incomplete without a baby. Disappointed but not incomplete.

Two Faces

It always amazes me when I find out the truth about people. I always wonder why we all feel the need to put up a false front. As a race are we really that fragile, that afraid? Ive had a man professing his love for me, then tonight I find out what he truly is. It didnt hurt me, I really do not have feelings for this man. I like him but not love him. It bothers me more that Ive lost Dan's friendship. The amazing thing about this guy is that he tried to use honesty as a selling point with me. It just confounds me. Ive been lied to by men...Im not any different from any other woman. I trust people till they give me a reason not to. This man just crossed the line. I didnt trust him really, he was too good to be true. Im not a child, so any men who read this...dont insult my intelligence and you will be just fine.

World AIDS Day...In my corner of the planet

I want to talk about Jerry for a moment. Jerry was my parents friend for 12 years. He worked with my father in the coal mines in Colorado. He was married to a much younger woman, Joanne, and they lived with three small children that my sister and I were older than. He had been born in France, and grew up in Missouri. He had been a Navy Seal in Viet Nam, and was a black belt in karate. This man spoke at least languages, and was the first real painter I had ever met. He got me interested in art, and Edith Piaf. Jerry went back to school and became a dentist in the mid 80s, eventually becoming an instructor in a dental school. And sometime in the 80s, caught HIV off of a patient. He died in the mid 90's.
I'm sharing this with you because I think every story of every victim in this pandemic is important. This disease is not faceless, sexless, or anonymous. It knows no borders, either of money, race, gender, or age. The powers that be would like to us to think that AIDS doesn't effect Americans anymore, that abstinence programs work and the need for easily available condoms are not necessary. This country has to wake the hell up and realize that this is serious, the whole world is being rocked from it, and to stop living in lala land. Before it's too late, if it isn't already.
Jerry would be in his 60s now. His kids are grown, he has grandchildren he never knew. His wife lives with her HIV under control, something he could not do. We have the technology to slow it down all over the world. Ingnorance is the worst perpetrator of this disease. Let us all band together loner than one day a year to stop it.

The first cool thing of Yuletide has arrived...Besides the damn weather...

Tonight is the official start of the holiday TV season: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer comes on at 8PM. Call me sentimental, silly, or childish if you must, but this time of year is only made tolerable by Xmas specials. Memories of my mom making fudge and us watching Rudolph, Frosty, Grinch ( the original, not the piece of crap movie) are some of the best memories I have of childhood. If I have to deal with all the horse shit that otherwise comes with this month, you better believe I'm enjoying my xmas cartoons with no guilt. I mean, I'm doing Yuletide in my own way, starting my own traditions, trying not to fall into the commercialism of it. So tonight at 8 I will be in front of the TV with popcorn, purple fuzzy blanky and the whole crew from the Island of Misfit Toys...never too late to have a happy childhood.